SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a long long time, since I have posted here. Short version of my story: I was told by WW (Dday was 1-12-13) that she had a 15 year A with former boss and “best friend”. Sadly OM’s DD was the one to discover the A. I won’t go into specifics on how we are doing as this post is about the innocent lives that get destroyed.

We have had no contact for over 5 years with OM and his family. Then out of the blue his daughter contacts WW and wants to send her a letter. WW did show me the Facebook DM and was very upset by it and did not respond. She explained how horrible she felt about what she had done and would just like to forget and that is not who she is anymore. My thoughts were WW should have to face this as

“Forgetting” might not be the best way to deal. Also I admit I was curous as to what OM’s DD had to say. So I contacted her and said if she emailed me the letter I would attempt to get WW to read it. Below is OM’s DD letter. It was incredible hard to read and I felt horrible for the pain this caused. I think anyone thinking about having an A should have to read this and if it doesn’t have their mind, they are horrible human beings.

WW-

The last time we saw each other was in the December of 2012. While I hope to never see you again, I do hope you take the time to read what I have to say, things that have been on my heart for the past five years.

You changed my life in the worst way imaginable. I grew up admiring you, thinking you were so pretty and respecting how supportive you were of my dad through everything we had gone through as a family. I looked forward to seeing you, BS, and the kids. I have great memories of you- visiting your house for family dinners, playing “the floor is lava” with your boys, being an encouragement through your fitness journey.

As we both know, I’m the one who had to find out what happened. I’m the one who had to see your dirty texts and nudes on my phone. I’m the one who had to confront both my dad and OM’s BS about what was going on, involving me in a situation that I never asked to be a part of. This critical moment, when the affair finally came to light, was a turning point in my relationship with my parents.

I lost all respect for you and my dad. In this letter, however, I want to address you specifically. While my dad and I still rarely talk, we have been working through this and learning how to have a relationship again. With you there has been no closure. It pains me to think that I have let you affect my life so greatly. I understand that you probably never gave me a second thought, wanting to erase this mistake and move on, but it’s so much more than that. I waited for an apology from you. I thought, “She MUST feel bad that I saw the things I saw. She MUST be wanting to apologize.” But I heard nothing.

You used me. The biggest grievance I have is that the last time you and my dad were together, you used me. I know a lot of things now. I know that you weren’t actually running to the computer store or going upstairs to fix your laptop behind closed doors. You did things while I was in the house, while my TEN-YEAR-OLD sister was in the house. Seeing how long the affair had been going on made me think about every time you went on a “friend date” with my dad. All of those movies that I thought you guys went to while you were actually hooking up. Every time my dad’s eyes were glued to his phone, wondering if maybe that was the day you talked about 69-ing.

I want you to understand the level of disgust I have for you. You are so lucky that BS didn’t leave you. You are so lucky that I kept my mouth shut to everyone, including my family. But I need you to understand the implications. I couldn’t stand being at home anymore. Once I left for college, I rarely came home. Who would want to come home to that environment? My family, especially my extended family, judged me mercilessly and criticized me for being so “rebellious” and never coming home. I carried the weight of it for years and now there are many family members who have completely cut me off. I could have easily told everyone the real reason why life was so terrible at home, but I didn’t.

I know you’re thinking that this isn’t your problem. My personal life and my relationship with my family have no impact on your life. I just needed you to know that the girl you forgot about has had an incredibly rough time. Imagine if your kids found out about what you did. If they, especially DD, saw the texts and pictures sent between you and my dad. How would that affect your relationship with them? How long would it take to rebuild the lost respect and friendship? This is what I’ve been struggling with and I hope you understand why I feel so much hatred and unresolved feelings towards you.

What I’m hoping to gain from this is closure. As I said in my initial message, I don’t expect a reply. While I would love to hear your explanation for what you did or an apology for the consequences I’ve had to face, I can’t force you to empathize with me. All I ask is that you acknowledge that you’ve read this letter.

I sincerely hope that you are living by the positive messages you are spreading on Facebook. It’s hard to see you proclaiming that you love nontoxic people when I consider you to be the most toxic person I know. It’s taken me a long time for me to write this and an even longer time to finally be able to contact you. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

OM’s DD

I feel badly for this young woman. I hope you WW reads this and responds. A truly remorseful WW would.

It should be required reading for anyone even considering cheating. And the worst thing is, there are far too many people out there who could write similar letters about their parents infidelity. A few of my friend's went through this when their kids were still at home and in almost every instance, their kids are no longer close because the ones who have cut out the cheating parent can't stand that the other one spends time with them, they see it as a betrayal of the betrayed parent.

My own son-in-law and his brother are an example.

We can talk all day about spouses healing from infidelity but I'm not sure our kids ever get over it completely.

Part of being a better person is owning up to what you did. I think she should write this young woman back and own what she did. This young woman didn't ask for any of this. She has carried a weight that no young child should ever have to do. Her letter was so well written and I think she deserves a response.

Yes, your wife wants to understandably move on, however, doesn't this young girl deserve it even more? I am of the opinion she should address this young girl and give her some peace. Perhaps what the answers she would give to the OM's DD won't give her peace but just the fact that she was willing to own up to it and address this poor girl would help validate the girls feelings.

Kuddos to you for stepping up and trying to help this innocent girl. ((bikingguy))

Hope

Brutal.

Idk what to say other than I haven't a clue how you R with someone who cheated on you and chose another man over you for 15 years.

Very powerful, and sad. I, too, hope your WW reads it to better understand how much collateral damage is inflicted with affairs. My ex still hasn't learned that lesson.

I truly hope she gets the closure she needs.

I actually forgot that I sort of caught my dad cheating. I was probably 13 or 14 when I caught my dad using a pay phone near our house. He already worked out for town for weeks at at a time and when he was home he would “run to the store” and be gone for a long time. When questioned he would say he ran into a friend. I confronted him while my mom was taking a nap in their bedroom. He of course denied everything which I did not believe. Unknowingly to me she heard and they D not long after. I will say even though it might have been my conversation that lead to D I have never felt any guilt, that is all on my Dad.

We did not have much of a relationship after he moved out, but he also have mental issues from a nervous breakdown years before and was very hard to get along with.

GoldenR,

That is an excellent question, but I think for another thread

Thank you for sharing this letter with us Bikingguy. I too hope your wife responds to this brave young woman who is no longer that little girl holding everything in anymore.

Infidelity runs and scars deep. I lived it growing up. I never wanted that life for my kids.

The cycle continues...

This can be used as a powerful moment:

Ask your wife if she sees the pain in the letter.

Ask her how it makes her feel.

Ask her if she has regret or remorse after reading that letter.

Ask her what emotions are dominant in her when she reads that letter.

Is she sorry for herself?

Is she sorry for the damage to the OM D?

Then ask her to read the letter as if YOU had written it. Replace dad-relevant text for wife-relevant.

Point out that the pain YOU felt is about 100000000000000 x the pain the young woman experienced.

Yes – you decided to work at R, but ask your wife if she appreciates the damage she caused and the immense effort you had to make simply to even think R was possible.

GoldenR – some people do choose to R. If all you are going to do on SI is pour your disdain on their decision then I gently suggest you find yourself a forum that (a) wasn’t founded by a WW and (b) has a Wayward and a Reconciliation forum. There are plenty of them available.

GoldenR – some people do choose to R. If all you are going to do on SI is pour your disdain on their decision then I gently suggest you find yourself a forum that (a) wasn’t founded by a WW and (b) has a Wayward and a Reconciliation forum. There are plenty of them available.

Oh, I'm aware. I've even posted some advice on WS threads when I think they're serious. But you should know that since you know about everything I post.

15 years is extremely long, the longest I've seen R to happen.

My Dad had an affair so I get how hard this is on the kids of those involved. Your wife needs to see this. She can't run from this. She needs to know that full extent of her choices. That she ruined more lives then just her husbands.

This letter takes me back to being a child and learning my dad had an affair. Yes, it causes terrible damage to your children. I agree with the person who said this should be required reading. I have never looked at my father the same.

That poor girl.

Am I correct in reading she has kept this to herself? Not good. She is suffocating under the weight of this secret. She is poisoning her soul.

Dear god, why did your WW not ever apologize to her? They obviously had a relationship.

My heart hurts.

What a horrible thing for that girl to go through!

I do think that a truly remorseful WW would want to face the damage she caused and, if possible, make amends to this young woman.

Regardless what your WW decides to do, please direct the daughter here where she could find support from others who have gone through similar things?

Your WW needs to read the letter.

And she owes that young woman a heartfelt apology...in person if she can manage it.

The reason I didn't really give any advice was bc I don't think an apology will do the daughter any good. It will probably just make her angrier. But she's asking for one, so do you deny her?

It's just ugly.

I would give your wife the letter. I doubt seriously a apology will ever really help this girl but its a start. It sounds to me more like she just needs her family to be there for her. I doubt she will ever get that with the damage your wife and her father did.

I don't know why you stayed and I think that is for you alone to make but I think after reading this it makes it clear in my mind people like your wife and the OM should never be around children in a parental capacity. It sounds to me like her father after being caught did nothing to atone and try to fix his relationship with her. He must have been a real winner.

I wish you the best on this but I doubt this is over with for you. This renewed contact will get out and It will probably just lead to more contact in ways you don't want.

if you're a remorseful Wayward, you're committed to not only making your family's life better, but also anyone you've hurt, IMO.

She BETTER read the letter, she BETTER apologize in a way that makes absolutely no excuses with no stupid platitudes thrown in (life is unfair or some bullshit like that). THIS GIRL NEEDS HELP.

And your WW could do this the right way.

She will explain that she posts positive shit on facebook because she knows she screwed up to many people around her. she is trying to live that life because she has hurt so many people. she should be humble and apologetic.

I'd just give ww the letter.

How it affects her and how she reacts will tell you quite a bit about her.