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As a BC myself I cried reading this. Your WW should woman up and apologize to this poor girl. There's very little your WW can do for this person she's hurt so badly, but an apology is something. The apology isn't about WW (forget about "i'm not that person anymore" "just want to forget about it"), it's FOR this girl. But I think to apologize would actually do something positive inside of WW, too.

Thanks for sharing this letter as a caution. I wish more people were truly aware of how deeply infidelity affects children.

This is one of the most heart felt summations on the destructiveness of affairs that I've ever read.

You must have your wife read it--if only for your own piece of mind.

How in the world can you not?

Before you do anything, contact a mental healthcare specialist and see what and how is the best way to handle. Your wife and OM has done a number on the girl and she does not have support. Saying the wrong thing can have consequences that can not be changed.

Also you should contact OBS and meet in person. She needs to see the letter.

You too should reach out to this girl and offer support. If any of your kids know this girl well ask them to help.

[This message edited by rambler at 8:43 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

It sounds like this poor girl has been keeping this a secret from her mom. How come no one ever told the OBS? She has no idea why her relationship with her own daughter is strained. This is a horrible weight for a child to carry....

I agree and given her age, make sure it is done right.

Sassylee,

OM wife does know. Wife is actually step mom to DD who wrote the letter. OM and DD’s birth mom D years ago. However wife is/was (we have had no contact for over 5 years) very close.

What I didn’t mention is OM’s DS starting having a lot of issues at school. He was basically trying to have sex with any girl who would. I also thought he knew what was going on but kept it to himself and was acting out like Dad. My WW didn’t think so but I bet that was more “hoping” to ease her mind.

Very powerful letter. It makes my heart hurt and makes me think of my own children and how they will forever be effected by the dynamics between WH and I. I hope your WW is strong enough and empathetic enough to read and respond and I hope that somehow this process helps this poor girl.

Gosh, infidelity does SO MUCH damage to all the innocent. This letter just tears my heart apart. How old is this daughter now? My sense is she’s a college student? If so, she really should look into counseling available, if you can encourage that?

My DD found out about my WHs A before I did and eventually confronted him. He still didn’t stop and she watched him lie to me for months. She is also 5 years out and still struggles mightily. I can hear some of her in this letter, which is why I’m reacting so emotionally to this post. Although my DD didn’t know the OW, which adds another HUGE layer of hurt and complexity to this. Although the A was not a secret in our extended family (or community) after DDay, my DD also wanted to escape and felt ostracized because she was the only one who didn’t want us to R. It’s an unfair and terrible burden for a young person to shoulder. This young woman has shouldered WAY too much of this burden. It’s obvious it took her much time, thought, energy, and courage to write this letter.

I believe your WW owes her an apology, but that’s not something you should orchestrate. If your WW is truly remorseful, I think she would welcome the opportunity to reach out and offer a heartfelt apology. But a half-hearted apology would just add salt to the wound.

I truly hope this young lady can find the closure, healing, and peace she so deserves and needs. It’s unconscionable that she’s been allowed to shoulder this burden by protecting their secret. The damage done to her is so very wrong and has obviously infected all of her relationships. Just devastating.

Are you planning to share the letter with your wife?

Will you encourage your wife to apologize?

Are you planning to talk to DD's step mom about counseling?

Will your wife be willing to pay for counseling?

She literally destroyed a young girl's life.

It sounds to me like this girl is looking for more than closure or an apology. I think she may be looking for answers, even to questions she doesn't yet know to ask. If she hardly speaks to her father, those answers haven't come from him. And since she had a relationship with your wife, then it only seems natural that she'd reach out to her (at least, for a kid in her early 20s).

So, if that's all true, then it falls upon your wife to help this kid to understand. As much as the pain, anger and resentment jump out of that letter, there's also a powerful underlying tone of desperation.

I'd show this letter to my wife, but that's just me. I'd ask her to do what she could to help this kid, because she betrayed her, as well. And it would seem rather obvious that your wife is the only one who can help out this kid, because she's the only with the answers this young woman thinks, right or wrong, that she needs to move on with her life.

I'm sure such an encounter wouldn't be easy, that your wife would need to summon up a shit ton of courage and don a rather thick skin. But it's quite an opportunity to impact a young woman's troubled soul.

Best wishes to you to both as you figure this one out.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:42 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Your WW needs to read this letter. She may be a better person now but she has left someone who needs an apology from her.

I don't think you need to discuss this with a professional first, this girl has stated what she wants.....your wife should be giving it to her.

I also agree that watching your WW's actions will speak volumes.

Thanks for sharing this. This should be a mandatory read for anyone thinking about cheating.

It makes me so angry to think about all the selfishness of a wayward.....to not think about their family at all while destroying it.

Do you think you're in a real R leaving this singular pain unaddressed?

Wow. I wish every ow and on would read this. The destruction of affairs affect so many people. I know my DD has suffered so much. I am never going to be the same. I’m damaged beyond repair.

Affairs are not just about the 2 selfish people involved but their entire families.

Your WW needs to hold herself accountable for the hurt and damage she’s done. I would not allow her to scath by without addressing this poor girl. Her entire innocence was blown up by what they did.

Make her do it as part of you R.

WW, this young woman was lied to and abandoned by people she loved and trusted. How is she going to find happiness when her life is built on quicksand?

This isn’t about your pain. It is about common decency.

It is about kindness.

It is about doing the right thing.

Find a therapist who can help you help her.

Bikingguy

R or D is a personal decision and as you pointed out, this thread is not for it. Nevertheless, infidelity, even in R cases, has consequences that expand in time and reach many people even years after.

What cut my eye is that after all this time this young lady reaches out to your wife. IMO the mayor treason is from her father, nether the less your wife own big part on her life turning to worse, much worse.

This young lady needs closure, but also she is full with anger and resentment. And, as Golder R stressed, answering her email may not do nothing but enrage her. Let’s face it nothing your Wife can say would release this lady pain. But in other hand this young lady has nothing to lose, Mom and Dad divorced, family distanced her, etc. She may decide to tell your kids and if she is no longer living in the same town, expose the affair.

IMO, your family, not just your wife, needs to make peace with this young lady. You will never get what was before but as a contingency plan. It doesn’t mean to manipulate her, it means to be prepared for her reactions, accept them and let her move on. I believe to answer her email would be a good idea as a family. Also if your kids don’t know about the A, it is a good idea to prepare them for what may come.

Good luck

I want to bring in an alternative angle to the table. This angle is IMHO more based on healing.

First – this is a young woman? Not a girl? I’m guessing very late teens early twenties?

Your wife cheated on YOU and YOUR marriage. It impacted others, but what wrecked the OMD relationship/family was her father’s decision to cheat.

Now imagine the advice if SHE had posted here on SI asking if she should try to get closure from the OW. If she shared with us that she wanted closure for an affair that ended in 2013 and the OW was no longer in the picture, that there had been a 5-year hiatus on contact.

I’m guessing the overwhelming response would be to not contact OW. Not to break NC. Not to expect anything constructive from OW and not to open the possibility of her causing more pain. We would be telling that young woman to focus on what her father did and not on the OW.

So why should we be expecting your wife to can give any meaningful excuse or explanation?

Why should we expect ANY reply from your wife to be positively constructive?

In fact – I think ANY reply can only be negatively constructive. It can be used by the OMD to feed an ongoing anger or resentment that would be best for her to quench rather than feed. No – I’m not talking forgiving or forgetting. For all I care the OMD can use her hate for your wife to focus on whatever constructive goal she has. But I don’t think any form of excuse will really give her any closure.

You guys committed to NC? IMHO that covers everything and everyone that is “on the other side”. IMHO your wife must take this letter as it is: A big, fat slap of reality straight in the face. It outlines the pain your WW has probably been trying to minimize (even the best WS in R wants to minimize…). It shows your WW that the affair has long-term effects. It shows your WW that even if everything seems rosy and OK there is still underlying pain.

This is not allowing your WW to “get away” with anything. Maybe it’s even worse. She is carrying an internal scar that she can’t cure with a simple “I’m sorry”. Instead she must carry on life knowing that there is someone that hates her and sees her as a pathetic being.

Utilizing THAT for you and your marriages advantage was the goal of my first post on this issue.

I just want to be sure I understand. Your WW and AP scarred a girl with their callous actions. The girl is filled with anger and resentment because, according to this, your WW and her knew each other well, so it was a double betrayal. The girl is filled with anger and resentment because of a situation she never asked for. She's trying to create some semblance of her life by continued contact with her father. She reaches out to your WW with an articulate letter detailing her thoughts and feelings to the woman who was culpable in ruining her life. Your WW first reaction is to run away as fast as she can from the past. She doesn't want anything to do with it because she changed.

IMHO, this doesn't sound like someone whose changed. Sounds likes someone whose still afraid to face the consequences of her actions. If it was at your request not to talk to the girl and have NC, it's completely understandable, but that doesn't seem to be the case from what I read.

Bigger had some agreeable insight, however, so did other posters. At the end of it all, I really think it's up to your WW. This situation was created by her, not you, her. If she wants to sweep it under the rug and hope that one day, a girl's destroyed life will be nothing but a distant memory in her venture to be a better person, well, what can you really do?

I do disagree with the NC thing. IMHO, WW and AP NC or closure should not be equated to AP's DD. AP's DD was forced into a situation where she had no choice but to act and has to live with the injustice of it all, all the while knowing that she was a focal point in ending the A. Seriously, doesn't get more F'ed up than involving children or teens or whatever. It's not the same as the people who created the mess in the first place who were more than willing to take the risk and give a big F you to their families.

But like I said, if your WW doesn't want to deal with that, you can't really force her or it might lead to more problems.

[This message edited by SouthAfricanMan at 5:58 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

This was just so painful to read. This girl went from a trusting young person, to someone whose life with her family was destroyed, and whose relationships going forward will forever be screwed up.

There are all types of affairs. I can, and have seen men and women hook up at a conference, or a relationship develop at work. These are all terrible. But in my opinion, they pale to the ones where the AP"s orchestrate and have the family members unwittingly play a part. Again, in my opinion, it takes a different kind of sickness to have both of them screwing in a house with a 10 year in it. To have families smiling and laughing together while the AP's smile and wink and share intimate looks knowing that they are getting away with murdering a family. Then laughing about it the next day. I surely hope your wife is different, cause the person she was, was a monster.

This girl was not collateral damage. She was brought in intentionally then had her soul snuffed out.

I normally agree with Bigger that NC should be firm. This case doesn't hold. Though she said she didn't expect a response, you can clearly read between the lines that she is begging for some sort of acknowledgement from your wife, who at one point she deeply loved, that she hurt her. She is not looking for something from some anonymous person, but from someone who was a huge part of her life.

I don't think that there will be a response that makes her feel better as there isn't one. But no response at all will leave this poor girl hanging forever. It took incredible courage for her to write this. The response should not be crickets or a note from you.

If your wife says she is not that person she should step up and prove it. Right now she still is that person, who at this point in time isn't in an affair. If she can put someone else ahead of her pain, and it will be painful for her, then she can start to prove that she really has changed into a better person.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 6:25 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

"I normally agree with Bigger that NC should be firm. This case doesn't hold. Though she said she didn't expect a response, you can clearly read between the lines that she is begging for some sort of acknowledgement from your wife, who at one point she deeply loved, that she hurt her. She is not looking for something from some anonymous person, but from someone who was a huge part of her life.

I don't think that there will be a response that makes her feel better as there isn't one. But no response at all will leave this poor girl hanging forever. It took incredible courage for her to write this. The response should not be crickets or a note from you."

exactly this! When it comes to kids, we owe them before us.

if my husband received a letter like this and didn't respond or want to read it well, that would say a lot about his remorsefulness and integrity.

adults help children.

This is awful. This poor young woman. She's been carrying a burden she should never have had to carry. She needs counselling desperately. As had been said by others, your WW's response will be very telling. Will she run and hide and avoid responsibility or will she step and show empathy and compassion regardless of the outcome to her personally? Actions.

In my opinion your WW owes this young woman that she played a key role in damaging an explanation, apology or anything that would help get her closure and healing.

If the young woman is still in college I wonder if they have a free student psychological counselling service. When I was in university so long ago there was a service. Lots of university students need help with stress, being away from their support system, etc. Perhaps a suggestion to use the service if it's available and she still qualifies for it.

Does your WW have an income source? Could she pay for counselling for this poor young woman who she betrayed without adversely affecting your family financial situation too much?

There are consequences to actions. Some land you in jail. Some result in fines. Those are based on some sort of retribution. Some get you accolades. IMO, your WW needs to step up and face the consequences of her actions with this young woman who held her in such high esteem and has been incredibly hurt for so long with lasting damage.