SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just like the title says.. 4 years... Im heartbroken. A little background... We are both still young at 21 we started going out on the 11th grade. She is my soulmate, and we always talked abkut about getting married after college. When we graduated, she went to school out of state while I stayed home for school. We did the long distance thing, and I thought it was working. We spent some weekends together, all holidays and all summers. We both are about to finish school this year and this past summer we got engaged.. I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with her. This past Christmas it all changed.

She was home for the break and for whatever reason I went through her phone. I was horrified by what I found. Texts to and from different guys, naked pics she sent out, dick picks of other guys... Many of the texts were conversations about the sex she had with the guys. I confronted her about it, and she did not deny any of it. She tells me it's not a big deal, and it's just sex. She says she's just having fun, the sex doesn't mean anything and she still loves me more than ever. Stupid me, I decide to dig deeper and ask more questions. I ask how long this has been going on, she tells me since she was a freshman...like the first month on campus. She told me the first time she just got too drunk at a party. I ask how many guys??? 12.. 12 guys since freshman year. The most disturbing thing about this is that she isn't even remorseful or regrets any of this. She keeps telling me she loves me, wants to marry me and that this is just something that she has to do... Im heartbroken, I told her I need some time to think.. She is calling me everyday trying to continue like everything is normal, but every time I talk to her I start crying. I can't get the thoughts of her with other guys out of my head. The worst thing is.. Judging from these pics, these guys are nothing like me.. They are all athletic,while I'm a nerdy, chubby guy.. And I've always been self conscious about my size down there, these guys have nothing to worry about.

I'm devastated. I can't concentrate on school, and I don't know what to do. I love her so much, and I think I don't want to marry her still.. But I can't believe she hurt me like this. I think she does love me but she is so nonchalant about everything. Part of me wants to move on, but she's all I've ever known, she's the only one I've been with. I get emails and texts from her saying that she loves me more than ever, and everything will be okay once we graduate.. I want to beleive her but now i just feel inadequate and sad. I want her in my life... I my future.. I just don't know if i can do it. Whar can I so to get over this?

You need to first go No Contact with her. Your emotions need to settle. That is abolutely the first thing that needs to be done. Block her number for a few weeks, don't tell her you're doing it, just do it.

At least you're still young. Long-term relationships are difficult and being in college is even more so. College is all about experimentation, living, learning and getting everything out now before you have to grow up and be a mature adult. Maybe it's just a phase she's going through or maybe it's a character flaw she has. Either way, you now know this side of her and it's your decision as to weather to accept to be treated that way. Stay or go, just know that's being extremely selfish and only caring about her own needs. Maybe you should focus on that too.

you need to rid yourself of her.

She has very loose morals and not only isn't remorseful (which btw only means so much), she's pretty much told you she's still going to keep on doing it.

As Sharkman said, go no contact, focus on yourself and school.

Don't be a doormat and don't rugsweep.

Sex is never 'only sex'

Please read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This will help you not be a doormat in future relationships.

It sounds like she wants you for the security and the meal ticket, while still having fun elsewhere. Classic "cake eating" behavior. She would probably repeat this later if you marry her.

Go have fun, you are still young with a lot of future potential. Why waste it on a cake eater?

I'm so sorry for your pain but Be so thankful you found out so young.

RUN RUN RUN

She is now and will be in the future, nothing but heartbreak.

You want to be exposed to her STD's your whole life?

How about never knowing whether she's faithful? Does that sound like a good marriage to you.

Let her go find some other swinger to marry and they can swap STD's back and forth until they get divorced a few years later.

She doesn't know what love is. She doesn't love you. I'm so sorry. Let her go and find someone that has values and morals like you so that you can be truly happy. She's not worth it.

If you two are 21 and she's been cheating for 4 years then she's definitely not your "soul mate". Truth be told, there is no such thing. You're so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I advise you to get out now while you have less invested.

I’m so sorry you are in this position.

It doesn’t sound from your description like she has any intention of stopping this behaviour. It is NOT a reflection on you. You are not inadequate. But you need to figure out your priorities.

She is not a safe partner right now. You should strongly consider seeing a counselor. It is going to take some time before you are able to decide what you need from this relationship. If you choose to marry her without examining and working on every part of your relationship, you will go crazy wondering where she is and who she’s with all the time. You don’t want to live your life like that.

The only thing that will help you get over it is time and space. You’re definitely not going to be over it in time for your wedding, I don’t say that lightly. You need to take good care of yourself right now. She will selfishly say anything and everything that she thinks will make you do what she wants you to do. Don’t take advice from her.

You don’t sound like the type of person who wants to share your wife with every guy she talks to for the rest of your lives together. If that’s true, one of you will have to change fundamentally before you can have a functional marriage. It may be better for both of you in the long run to find people who are more suited to your relationship styles.

Don’t hold on to a mistake just because you took a long time making it. If she is not right for you, if she can’t be the kind of wife you hope for, that’s NOT going to get easier once the honeymoon is over. It’s going to get harder and harder and harder. If she says she can change and give up other men and partying and be monogamous, she is going to need to put the time in to counseling and reading and working on herself to really show you that’s what she wants.

After you are married she will seek out other guys to have sex with - no big deal - doesn't mean a thing - just something she has to do. Remember she kept al this hidden from you.

If you want to live a life wondering who she is sharing her body with, by all means marry her.

If you don't think you can stand a life time of that behavior, run for the hills. Block her, delete her,ignore her.

You can’t fix her. She is showing you who she is.

Dating is to find the right person. She has lied to you for 4 years with no problem.

Cancel the engagement. You do not want to marry someone like this. This will be your life. And when you have kids, you will wonder if they are yours.

This is a gift, that you found out before you made the leap of marriage.

Shes cheated on you with 12 guys during 4 years.

Theres no coming back from that. No remorse either.

Just breakup and do not become a door mat

Not married. No kids. F that! Block her every possible way there is and don't look back. She isn't worthy of you AND she definitely isn't relationship material.

2/3 of your time with her has been a lie! There's no recovering. ESPECIALLY if she shows no remorse and more than likely not stopping the lifestyle.

She is not who you thought she was.Move on, brother.

Hey brady-

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It super duper sucks.

People are telling you should run. I'm not of that camp completely. -

But I would recommend you take some time by yourself and really think about what you want for your life. What do your values tell you about what you want for your life? And this is REALLY hard because you are so invested in this girl. You've sacrificed things, shared experiences, been intimate, grown up some and _______________ . So it's impossible to just cut and run.

But look at your values.

And look at hers.

Are they different? Can they be reconciled? Are you willing to change yours to match hers? Is she willing to change hers? It is pretty evident that at very least, sex means something fundamentally different to the two of you.

If you decide to stay with her, there will be challenges that are very hard to overcome. If you decide that it was too much, there will be other challenges.

I tend to agree with the other guys that says you are young. And you have a future. And I think you deserve someone who matches and respects your values a lot more.

At very least, I think you should postpone your engagement.

I have experience with the whole school thing, too. I was in grad school on Dday. I still have to finish the paper I started two years ago and haven't been able to finish. But I hate writing to begin with. Does your school have counseling services? If you can access those, it would be very helpful to help you get through this and not bomb your classes. Power through.

There a lot of people here that have been through what you're going through. We are all getting through it. And so will you. We're with you.

Besides dropping and blocking her as others have said you really need to get an STD test. If you've slept with her unprotected over these past 4 years then you have been exposed to these 12 guys and everyone they have had sex with as well.

I'm sorry about this for you but truthfully she has given you a gift. She has shown you what she is like before you marry her and have children. Did you give her a ring? I'd try to get it back. You'll find someone else. You are young.

You are so young but the hurt and pain is deep no matter the age. I have a daughter around your age. I'm going to give you the advice I would give to her:

Count yourself very fortunate that you haven't married this girl. Go no contact, get yourself checked for STD's and go forward. It's going to hurt for a long time but you WILL recover. There is someone out there for you who will deserve YOU.

A look into your future:

It's your 25th HS class reunion. You go and take your lovely wife, the mother of your two perfect children. You are very successful so you are driving the nice, expensive car and you are dressed well, as is your wife.

You run into this old girlfriend and she's bedazzled by you - you have matured and you are very nice looking and successful. Soon she will be texting or calling you, asking for you to hookup. You learn she's been through 3 husbands and has children by each of them. When she contacts you, reply with: "It was good to see you at the reunion. I hope you are only 1/3rd as happy as I am. We were such SILLY kids back then. Sorry, have to go! Wife and I are packing for a trip to Paris! Take care! Bye!" Then Block her.

I can't get the thoughts of her with other guys out of my head

The best way to move past this horror is to ghost her right fucking now. Never speak or text or email her again. Block her out of your life and you will begin to detach from her. A month from now you will be so happy that you dumped a girl like her...

You are still too young (and now thanks to her) not as experienced as you could be.

One thing is for sure - all that she seemed to have learned at college is how to be deceitful and disrespectful (to try and justify her actions as being trivial).

So while it would be expected that you would sow your wild oats at college, her crime was to lead you on and now that she got caught (she did not come clean on her own), she wants to trivialize it (very disrespectful).

You will find somebody honest and loving who will love you as you should be loved. You need to drop her and start working on yourself (mentally and physically) and then start catching up in experience! Dump her!

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 3:37 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

Plenty of fish in the sea my man. They will be happy and appreciative of you, treat you better and you will fulfill their needs. You’ve got a lot of life and time ahead of you to make memories with them and create that soul-mate feeling.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less though. Focus on yourself and your future by building your self-confidence and happiness with who you are. Your self worth isn’t determined by a relationship with a lying cheater.

There is nothing wrong with you. It’s her and you’re better of without her and moving on sooner rather than later.

Get well bud.

[This message edited by LetItBeMan09 at 3:38 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

I agree with most of the others here. You have to let this girl go. It's as if she doesn't even think there is anything wrong with cheating. She will do that to you after marriage if you stay with her. You can book it.

We are both still young at 21 we started going out on the 11th grade. She is my soulmate

Ask yourself, “Why am I on an infidelity website?”

That will answer the question with more clarity as to why she is indeed not your soulmate.

To be honest, there is no such thing as a “soul mate”.

Most adulterers believe they married their true “soul mate” and then at some point during the marriage find their true “soul mate” and then after the divorce find yet another true “soul mate”, etc, etc, etc.

There are people who are committed to the values of honesty, loyalty, trust, family, and there are those who are constantly looking for their ridiculous “soul mate”.

You are quite young and there is a world of beautiful women who put their value and esteem in keeping their word and are not seeking the next recreational giant cock behind your back.

The childish girl you are engaged to is an adultery time-bomb that will detonate at some point in your married future.

Count on it.

Do yourself a favor and make this person a former college girlfriend from your past.