SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Brady, you are involved with someone who clearly has no idea what a relationship means. She knows it was wrong. If she really believed it was OK, she would have told you about it before. She wants you to say it is ok.

Why don't you tell her that you all need to end the engagement for now but you can continue to date casually? Tell her that clearly she is not ready to be married or in a committed relationship. Then take the ring back and just hold onto it. Start to date others yourself. Try to get a little perspective on her by seeing how other women act. I mean if she can date why can't you?

Brady, there is another post currently on the front page called, “Little lost”, and it describes what you could be heading toward if you don’t call off this engagement. The OP knew his spouse had problems before marrying her and they did not go away after marriage. Please read it and see if that’s what you want for your life.

I like the idea that you call of the engagement, but continue to date in an open arrangement. I think you’ll see you have more value than you realize, and that other women will treat you far better.

Good luck!

Dude, WTF?!?! Allow her to have these experiences while she's in college? Then what? She just stops fucking, settles down and is committed to you only for the next 60 years? Not gonna happen. Life continues after college. There will still be parties. Instead of classmates there will be coworkers. Especially For an attractive woman, there will be countless opportunities to cheat during all stages of adulthood.

I know you love her, and that it's always easier when you're talking about somebody else's life. But you have no ties to this girl. You're not married. You have no children. You don't own any property together or have any common assets. The time to leave is NOW. The correct thing to do here is completely cut her out of your life. She is your enemy, treat her as such. Don't meet up in person, that will weaken you further. Just a quick NC email will suffice. Then she can go fuck whoever and get knocked up by an unknown father or catch a bunch of STDs. I promise you, there will be other girl. If you're insecure about your weight or appearance, you can change that. What you can't change is the faulty mental wiring of a dumb slut.

You're so young. I promise you that losing this girl will be the best decision you've ever made. I also promise you that when you've healed, you'll find you had more options for other girls than you ever realized.

Brady, this is tough, but stick around. You need all the support you can get.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Brady. You're in an immense amount of pain right now but you've got to get your head together enough to realize that this will be your entire life if you stay with this person. She will continue to cheat on you. She will continue to hide it from you. You will never know who and how many she's been with. You will never know what STD's you have until you're in the hospital with complications from them. The pain you have now is temporary and as you come out of it you'll realize that you're better off without this girl. Right now however you have to cut her out of your life. She's holding you back from your future happiness. It's time to grow up and choose not to live in pain and suspicion. Remove this toxic uncaring individual from your life. Do it today and do it permanently. Whoever ends up with her is in for a life of pain and misery.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 10:04 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

...she said if I loved her than I need to let her have these experiences before we get married...

Classic crazy broken cheater logic. Learn from the experience of folks on this forum. If she is able to compartmentalize sex from feelings as easy and flippantly as she has shown you, you do NOT want to waste any time trying to "fix" her. She is broken to a degree you have no power to fix and she is broadcasting in huge neon lights as a warning to you. Her red flags are huge and obvious.

And, as others have noted here, don't get caught up in the "she is my soulmate" drama. If there is such a thing, one definitive indicator as to who is not your soulmate would be how many guys she is fucking while proclaiming love for you at the same time.

RUN RUN RUN!!! You will pay now and pay big time later if you choose to be a codependent and weak. You are too young to fall into the abyss of infidelity. There is someone that will both love you and cherish you. She seems to do neither.

Wow after reading your story I hurt for you. What are you going to school for? Do you have the potential to earn a lot of money? It would seem that is why she is with you.

If she told you there were only 12 other dudes Dick’s in her you can bet there were a lot more. Factor in how many times she had sex multiple times. If you dig there will be some dude she has screwed a lot. He is the one you will have to worry about for the rest of your life.

She could have told you she was screwing others and you should too. She certainly shouldn’t have been engaged to you while doing this. You are in for a world of hurt if you stay with her.

She will cheat and wait until you have kids and have to DNA test them. After all when she cheats it will only be sex so to her it means nothing.

I hope to god you dump her and run but you are young and she is your first love. Your future with a woman like this is going to be horrible and those of us with cheating spouses know this.

Hit the gym and go out and bang girls that are hotter than her. The fact that she still wants to get humped by other guys after doing this to you is disgusting.

Run, Run, Run fast away from her. Who wants to marry a woman who screws that many guys while being committed to you? You have been warned I hope you listen. Man what a punch to the gut to a nice young man. I am so sorry.

Brady stay with us. There have been a couple of harsh, uncalled for posts. I expect those were hurtful rather than helpful. You need a support system and SI can be a part of that. This sh*t is too much of a crushing weight to bear alone.

I want to plant a thought for you. Consider it when you can whether that is now or in the future.

Her betrayal does not have to define you or your life. How you handle her betrayal will be a defining moment in your life. Find and understand the values by which you lead your life. They have driven your life up to now. What are they? Take the inventory. Are you willing to give up or modify any of them? For her, for anyone? Under any circumstances?

The extent to which you give up your core values and principles is the extent to which you give up part of who you are. That is why how you handle her betrayal will define you. She has laid down a marker and she is not willing to compromise. What core value inside of you would you have to break is you went along with her version of what your relationship should be?

She arrived last night, right now she's visiting with her parents.. I feel so confused... Being with her last night was amazing, we didn't talk about our issues but being with her, holding her, made me temporarily forget what she did. She is so beautiful, perfect.. Honestly,I don't know how ended up with her and I've always felt that she is too good for me.. We made love and she asleep. Thus is when things went way worse...

I looked at her phone again. I found more nudes of her, also this time I found some videos... This time there were some with a guy. It was the same guy in all the pics and vids. He looked like 40 or something. I don't know what but I looked at every single pic and every single video. She is never the way she is in the videos with than with me. I'm so ashamed to admit it, but she looked so sexy. I am disgusted with myself.

In the morning I confronted her about this...She told me that he is just a friend and I have nothing to worry about. She said that in the past 4 years, she has never emotionally connected with anybody... She said that I should be happy that my gf is so desired by other men....I couldn't take it... I asked for my ring back... She took it off and threw it at me... I was stunned... She said sorry..and said she doesn't want to lose me.. She gave me a hug and we somehow ended up having sex again...

I am a mess. My body actually feels in pain. My heart physically hurts. How can she do this to me? I love her so much and it's killing me that I told back her ring and am calling off the engagment.. I actually feel like I can't live without her, but I don't know what to do.. Shes commong over again tonight to discuss what we are going to do moving forward. Can I forgive her for what she's done? I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared.

You have a very low self esteem. You are allow that to guide you. She is destroying you bit by bit and you are caught up in how she makes you feel when you are together. But she is tearing you apart when you two are separated. Please see that.

Would it be ok with her if, say, you fucked 12 girls? I mean just to get it out of your system before you get married?

Look,

You are 21 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Get yourself out of this while you can. If I knew then what I know now about the douchebag I married, I would have stayed single and met someone else who treated me with the respect that I deserve. You have that chance, you have no children, and you’re NOT married. Take your ring back and thank God for showing you what a HUGE mistake you’ll b making if you married this girl. You will be in a world of pain. Please, don’t do it.

She’s mad at YOU!? This person is not a healthy partner by any stretch of the imagination.

If it were me I would ask her an her parents to leave and tell her parents why you 2 are over and then never speak to her again.

She hasn’t emotionally connected with you because she continues to intentionally hurt you. People don’t do this to someone’s they are emotionally connected to. They do this to someone they are using and abusing.

[This message edited by LetItBeMan09 at 11:04 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

If this doesn't mean anything to her then why keep the pics and the vids?

Why isn't she deleting this stuff (like most cheaters) when she knows she will be with you and you will somehow get at her phone (like the last time she was home) and see them?

To me it looks like she is training you. It looks like she has all the control over you knowing you will see what she does and then knows the buttons to push to keep you submissive enough to take the torture she has to offer you.

This makes her happy....knowing she can dominate you this way. Do you think you want to be in this kind of unhealthy relationship?

Dude find a chick you don't share.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 1:43 AM, March 10th (Saturday)]

bradyc123, waken up man, like TheGuy123 said she is training you, grooming you for something far worse, IMO it is to make you into a submissive cuckold BF first and then as a husband, who she can then humiliate for as long and whenever she wants, it can and does happen to men even before they are married, though not a common thing, and when she gets tired of having you around, she will drop you like a hot potato, leaving you to rot away on the ground alone, and move on to someone else, even if I’m wrong she is certainly not good marriage material for any man, for any man who wants a happy normal marriage raising kids together ect ect ect, get out of this terrible situation immediately while you can, and regain your dignity, dump her ass to the kerb it’s all she’s worth.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

This woman is not marriage material! She is not a safe partner for you or anyone. It will hurt like hell, but you need to go through withdrawals and get away from her!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but the best thing you can do for yourself is end this yesterday.

Why are you scared man?

How old are you?

Bro, just the possibility of sexually transmitted disease alone should be enough to put anyone off.

She's getting off on this, having the control and the power. I don't get it, can't you see this is just not normal?

To each their own I guess. You're posting in a forum asking for help then actively not taking that help.

Common theme here bud. So many of us wish we knew what our spouses were going to be like before we got married. You want to share your kids with her 50/50 living apart. You want to see her move in with somebody while your married to her then stay together now. I don't care how hot she is, the last three seconds feels the same. It will be better with someone who respects you and loves you. Run and never look back. She isn't the person you thought she was either...remember that.

It sucks and it's not your fault. I'm sorry it happened to you, but better u know now than 5,10,15 years down the road. Or worse yet find out in 25-30 years that she did it through your entire engagement and marriage. If she can lie to you for 4 years she can keep lying indefinitly.

Why are you letting her come over? Seriously....WHY?!?!

She doesn't love you. She has zero respect for you. You are her backup plan, and once she DOES emotionally connect with one of these dozens of guys, you are history.

There's nothing to talk about. Do not meet with her. So not talk to her ever again.

Stop being weak!

Brady,

You don't want to hear this, but since the moment that you discovered your fiancé had cheated, YOU ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE for the actions to get you out of this pain. Your head and your heart are 1000 miles apart from each other, but you KNOW what she is doing is wrong. And you are allowing yourself to stay in this situation.

You are on an infidelity forum. EVERYBODY here gets it. The pain is like nothing else you have ever experienced. But what you are refusing to see, is that as painful as it is, your girlfriend has given you the gift of SIGHT.....something many, if not most, of us wish we were given early in our relationships. She is not marriage material. She is not exclusive partner material. She is a friends with benefits material, and nothing more. Can she change? Sure....many people can change. The problem is, she doesn't want to. She uses the word 'love' like a comfortable blanket. She doesn't understand what the word truly means.

So, you can either stay in this relationship, learn to accept what she is giving you, and be happy in your own way. You can also stay in this relationship, be miserable, and stay that way.

Or, more than likely what you came here for advice, is to learn what to do to get out of your current misery. So listen to what you are being advised on....not simply looking for what you want to hear. Your self-respect is more important than your emotional feelings to a non-committed partner.