SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

you wrote "We had a straightforward, honest, and blunt talk. She apologized, and made no excuses. Bottom line, she tells me she really loves the attention that she gets and loves the party lifestyle but she really loves me and sees a future with me. She said that all the sex is about self-discovery and that it will make our own sex life, and relationship better… She just has to figure some stuff out on her own first"

^^^^^

Seriously ... can you not see that you are her fall back guy once she screws around?... The fact that you even entertained this is mind boggling. You really have to get over the "doormat" mentality. She admits she wants to sew her wild oats and you contemplate getting back and will assess the relationship???

You seem to be in state of fog about your cheater wife.

The truth is.. she does not esteem you, she does not respect you, she does not want you period. If her new freedom falls flat she will come crawling back to her fall back guy (you) and from indications in your posts... you will take her back.

You had received good advice here, but I don't think you will take it. I hope you prove me wrong and sincerely move on.

[This message edited by VinST at 10:45 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Everything I do is for her… All I do is study and work hard for our future. We always talked about having a family and she’d stay home and take care of the kids…. Looks like she doesn’t want that anymore… All she does is party and get drunk. What’s wrong with me? I love her so much, she says she loves me, but why doesn’t she want me? Why does she want other guys? I already can’t stop thinking about her…. I don’t have anybody else I can talk to about this. I don’t want to tell my friends or parents because I don’t want them to know what she did and have them think differently of her. Why am I not good enough for her? Why does she need to do this? I am so sad.

I'm sorry to have to say that which, more than likely, most of the male posters WANT to say:

You're 21 years old - it's time to grow up.

You've put your eggs in a basket that isn't worthy of holding them. So do the mature, responsible thing and see your girlfriend as she REALLY is - a freewheeling, partying, sex-loving girl who isn't ready for a relationship, least of all marriage.

Think about it this way... one day, 6 months (or 6 years) down the road you're going to be a little older and a little more mature - and you're going to say to yourself, "Wait a second... my girlfriend was doing WHAT??? And I was sitting there twiddling my fingers???"

Do yourself a HUGE favor. See a therapist who can help you with both your co-dependency and your self-esteem issues.

Then go out and meet another girl - one who actually respects you and is mature enough for an actual relationship. Then... F like crazy for a month. Believe me, you'll never think about your ex again.

Just an older guy giving a younger guy some worldly advice ; )

We’ve broken off contact until after she gets back from her trip. Then we will reevaluate things.

Reevaluate? Whats to evaluate? All your GF wants to do is party and have fun with NO consequences. That sort of lifestyle doesn't change until something crippling happens such as a drunk/drug accident or an incurable STD... maybe.

she really loves me and sees a future with me.

Of course she sees a future with you...she knows there's NO future with the losers she's screwing around with. I promise you this 'lifestyle' doesn't magically change after you take your wedding vows. It will only get worse.

Everything I do is for her… All I do is study and work hard for our future.

You absolutely need to find another woman to reap the benefits of your studying and working. While your GF is backpacking (gallivanting) across Europe... you should use this opportunity to spend your spare time to work on yourself and find out why you're so willing to let someone disrespect you in this way.

Were you put on this earth to be a safety net for a woman who wanted to be with other men more than you?

There are plenty, PLENTY of women who would thank their lucky stars to have a guy who loved them with the amount of love that you have to give.

Brady I know all of this is overwhelming to you. The future you were planning for has been ripped out from underneath you. The girl you thought you knew and loved (and gave your heart to) wound up being someone who's a horrible person.

You mentioned in your first post that you're finishing school this year. You also said that you are engaged to this girl.

Instead of wallowing in this you need to put a plan in place to help you move forward and to get through this.

1) it's the middle of March so you have about two months left this semester? Take care of yourself (making sure you're eating, drinking water, and getting some sleep). Don't PISS this semester away. Brady please study!!! Put your head down and man up.....TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!!!

2) Stop ALL COMMUNICATION with this girl (even if she reaches out to you (and SHE WILL REACH OUT TO YOU).

3) seek out counseling at your school. It's one thing to speak to people here at SI, but you need professional help if at possible.

4) Tell your parents (your family) and your best friend(s) what is going on. I have no doubt that these people love you, and Brady right now you need to lean on them. You have done NOTHING wrong here and you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Please confide in them as bottling all this is up is NOT wise. Trust me once you let them know you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you.

5) You need to let your family and friends along with this girls family know that the engagement is officially off and the reasons why. I know this will be tough Brady but you need to do this. STOP PROTECTING HER BRADY. She hasn't been protecting you for the past four yrs. Nobody is going to think any less of you. In fact they'll be proud of you because they'll see you standing up for yourself and showing them that you are a man with morals and integrity. As for the fall out with your ex well Brady that's going to be something that she will have to deal with.

6) write a list of every horrible thing she has done to you (keep it with you--put in your wallet). When you start thinking about wanting her back pick that list up and read it over and over until you snap out of it.

7) get out and have some fun. Don't sit in your dorm room (or apartment) and wallow in a pity party for yourself. Get out with other classmates if even just to laugh.

8) exercise. Go for a walk each day and lift weights as well. The goal is to do things that will make you feel better about yourself and exercise ALWAYS does this.

Brady Rome wasn't built in a day and it's going to take some time to get through this but my friend you will get through this.

Don't look into the future right now as it will just be overwhelming. Let's get you through the short term where you can get through each day and more importantly finish up with school and get that degree that you've been busting your ass working for.

Brady as lifeiscrazy said "it's time to grow up" or "man up".

One step at a time Brady.

You were sucker punched by this girl. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and press forward. That's what life is all about. We all get knocked down.

Now the choice is up to you.....do you stay down and throw a pity party for yourself and keep saying to yourself "why me" or "why is this happening to me" or do you pick your ass up and take care of business and tap into the fighter that's inside of you.

GET PISSED OFF BRADY!!!!!

You can do this and more importantly you will do this!!

Brady, please wait for her, she needs you. Imagine going road tripping to Europe and coming back with one of other nasty STD. With a nasty genital warts as big as coins. Or mayby with HIV she's got from that gang bang in Berlin. She will need someone to comfort her back home. She will need someone to help her with her grief because she cannot be pregant anymore because of that STD. She will need someone to work long days and nights to fund her medicine costs. She can do those things because she knows someone is waiting for her. Someone she doesnt respects. Please don't be that guy. Go to the gym, lose some weight and gain some muscles. date nice respectful girls with the same morality as you. Forget her, or at least try to. I know it can be hard to lose a soulmate, but you lost her already 4 years ago. Be strong, time will heal the grief of lost love.

I’d like to second what Booyah said and ask him to be my life coach!

Brady,

Reread Booyah’s post over and over. Let that be your inner voice.

Brady, check in and let us know how you are.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:38 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Son, don’t run away from her. Walk away, head held high. She is shit on your shoe. Scrape her off. I’ve run into women like this a few times in my life. They are not hard to find. As you mature, they simply age...and become very easy to forget.

Hi Brady,

It's fine to have your feelings. These guys want the best for you. Study and go out with friends. The new part of your life has started. She already chose something else.

The guys are right. Confidence will only help you.

Anything you can do to build confidence is super important right now.

A question for the guys

I agree with she's exposing herself to risk of diseases and Brady should protect himself by staying away from someone so careless. Someone living the party lifestyle.

I also agree that more intimacy with other women would be a confidence builder for him.

How is this not risking exposure to disease? I'm confused. Is it just less risk? I never had brothers or a son, how do you guys handle this?

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 11:11 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

How is this not risking exposure to disease? I'm confused. Is it just less risk? I never had brothers or a son, how do you guys handle this?

This assumes that Brady acts responsibly and uses a condom. What I told my son is that he has to protect himself and that he can't trust that someone else will look out for his health. (actually the same thing I told my daughter)

"No Glove, No Love" reduces the risk of penetrative sex and is the best mantra to follow. Most (almost all?) oral sex ends up unprotected. Protecting yourself in one form of sex but not another is wishful thinking. Throat cancer is a killer.

This is something that isn’t fair but it’s the way it is. An average looking woman can have guys lined up at her door if she’s giving away no strings attached sex. It requires very little effort and she can easily go up the food chain to better looking and more popular guys.

It’s much more difficult if not impossible for the average looking guy to do the same. It also takes great effort.

It’s all because of testosterone.

Then after college the woman says: “OK, I’m done. Let’s get married.

Brady,

I read a thread similar to yours on another site. The man is 72 years old...his wife (then GF) slept with plenty other guys..even on the day he proposed to her. He knew she slept around...she also wanted to get married and have kids.

She also told him how sex with these others was great...and that sex is just sex. Like a handshake to her.

Long story short...he married her and after posters told him to DNA his adult kids..he's found out none of the 4 are biologically his.

...and you know his wife isnt one bit remorseful.

He's a grandfather...yet he has no blood connection with any of them.

He's lived 46 years of lies. She never stopped cheating the whole time. Please don't be him.

There's no need to stay in contact after she returns from Europe. There's nothing to revaluate.

More great insight Sandylee.

Brady you've been given a lot of great wisdom. A lot of it learned from PAIN.

Brady a general or coach or CEO has people around him to give him the lay of the land. Everything that needs to be considered. Good and bad. Options to consider moving forward. What the consequences are for each direction.

Only you can choose.

I haven't seen ONE person chime in here with any possibility of a positive outcome (IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH HER).

Choose wisely.

[This message edited by Booyah at 8:08 PM, March 15th (Thursday)]

Just wanted to update everyone... My friends and parents know... U was going to tell them but before I could I had tons of texts and calls asking how I was doing... The knew because she announced it on social media. It felt good to know that so many people were concerned about me, but when asked the reason, I couldn't tell them.. I just can't bring myself to tell them what she did. I dont want them to think any different of her. I've been staying with my parents and they have been great..

I caved however and started looking at her Instagram.She is so beautiful, and I can't stop thinking about the good times we had together. Most of her recent posts are about how sad she is that our engagement is called off. Despite what she did, I think she is still a good person at heart and genuinely feels remorseful... Then stupid me, I logged into her account, and she has hundreds of DMs from guys hitting on her because they know we are on a break. Some of these guys I would have considered friends... I love but also hate her IG.. She has almost 20,000 followers... Most of them are men...

Then yesterday I get an email from her. She tells me that she doesn't think that we should reevaluate again when she gets back from her trip. She thinks that it's best that we both move on. She says that she really loves me but that we both are looking for different things. She doesn't want to lose me but understands that it's not fair to me what's she's doing. She's been crying the last few days at the thought of how much she hurt meand admitted that she is selfish and a horrible person. She hopes that one day we can be friends.... As if the pain wasn't already bad, now it feels as though any chance is now gone... I miss her so much but so far I've resisted from responding...

My friends want me to party for st. Patricks day.. There's a girl that they want to meet.. Shes actually quite pretty and is interested in me... I just don't know if i can do it... But maybe just getting drunk with friends is what I need.

She doesn't want to lose me but understands that it's not fair to me what's she's doing. She's been crying the last few days at the thought of how much she hurt meand admitted that she is selfish and a horrible person. She hopes that one day we can be friends...

Ok...thats the nicest way of saying, I can't wait to get out of this relationship, but now I can't do it without looking bad because you know about my cheating. So thanks for giving me a way out and I can still leave looking like a good person who made mistakes.

Standard cop out. I know because I've done this too, but without the cheating.

"I just can't bring myself to tell them what she did. I dont want them to think any different of her."

seriously.,. can someone pls give this guy a wake up call!!!

I feel bad for you but...

Now I can see why she has cheated on you.. You literally are a doormat!

She hopes that one day we can be friends....

Bad idea. Don't put yourself in that situation

As if the pain wasn't already bad, now it feels as though any chance is now gone... I miss her so much but so far I've resisted from responding...

You'll reflect back and be glad you didn't marry her.

Right now your heart is overriding your brain. Clarity will come later.

Good idea to block her on everything. Take her off the pedestal that woman never existed except in your mind