SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

yeah, you are still hung up on her after 4 years of cheating and she continues to cheat. Yet you won't move on an start dating some hot babe who your friends want to hook you up with ?

You don't need enemies. You are your own worst one.

Move on, see this babe they want you to see and cut the ex out of your life. With your self-esteem issues, you would dump this incredible new woman for your cheating ex if she came calling back. Then you would be the wayward.

Brady, with all due respect, you need to fix yourself man

Brady it's time to cut to the chase.

You don't want to let anyone know what she did NOT because you don't want them to think badly of her, but because you KNOW that if you reveal how big of a WHORE she is that any chance you have of getting back together with her in the future will vanish. Plus knowing what she's done they'll think you're a wimp and a pussy for wanting to still be with her (and as much as it pains me to say this they would be right).

Brady this girl is NOT "beautiful" nor is she "perfect" ( your words to describe her).

Brady some people just have to learn the hard way, and being hurt by love for the first time is tough (we've ALL been there).

With all of this said, this is NOT about her ANYMORE......it's about you Brady. You seriously need to get into counseling Brady, because the way you view yourself (and the self-respect you have for yourself) is in serious trouble!!

On top of everything this has now turned you into a LIAR Brady. Your parents deserve to know what's going on Brady. "I just couldn't tell them....I just can't bring myself to tell them what she did"??? So you LIE to your parents? Even worse you continue to lie to YOURSELF!!'

Brady this is now more than some tramp hurting your heart. You're about to get a degree and go out into the real world and if you don't get your shit together you're going to be eaten alive out there.

Seems to me the education you're getting doesn't include self-respect, boundaries, truth, consequences, commitment, honor, loyalty, dignity, pride, honesty, dependability, morals, confidence, integrity, courage, taking action, gratitude, and countless other things.

Brady I can say this to you TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN, QUIT THINKING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD WITH THIS GIRL. Obviously you'd rather think about that then what she's done to you and your heart and who she's more than likely FUCKING at the moment.

Brady you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP and come to grips who this girl is AND that your future with her is GONE!!!!

Burn the bridge and tell your parents and your friends and her parents THE TRUTH!!!! Until you do this you're going to keep holding out hope that this tramp is going to come back to you and BRADY IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN NOR SHOULD YOU WANT HER BACK!!

[This message edited by Booyah at 3:04 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]

Despite what she did, I think she is still a good person at heart and genuinely feels remorseful.

Sorry, but horseshit! She has no remorse, nor regret. Her behavior proves this.

Brady,

On top of everything this has now turned you into a LIAR Brady.

I do agree with this. I told you in a previous post that how you handle this will define you. There are many, many ways you can tell the truth in a fact based way that doesn't come across as vindictive.

"Former fiancé had sexual affairs when we were exclusive and after our engagement. She asked that she be allowed to continue those until we were married. I asked her to stop and become faithful. She refused. I am moving on with my life and I appreciate your support."

She is rewriting your relationship history..."we wanted different things...this split is mutual"

Please understand: if that is allowed to stand it will eat away at you like battery acid for the rest of your life.

If you need different words, phrases, I can suggest them to you. However, I would not be able in good conscience to make it any softer than I did above.

At a minimum you need to tell your parents. I will say that you have an obligation to them.

She hopes that one day we can be friends..

At least this part is true. It's true because she wants to think of herself as a good person. You're the one she hurt. If you someday pal around as if nothing happened then what she did must not have been so bad.

No harm done.

I feel bad for you but...

Now I can see why she has cheated on you.. You literally are a doormat!

I understand you want him to get it together and see this worthless girl for what she is but it’s not cool to ever lay the blame for being betrayed on the one who has been betrayed.

What she has done and is doing has nothing to do with him.

If he was an arrogant-as-fuck Alpha-male who tried to control her every move, she still would have done it.

Infidelity is never about the betrayed spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend.

Her reasons for doing what she has been doing and being the way she is, existed within her long, long before they ever met.

He’s quite young and doesn’t have the life experience that the vast majority of us have here.

Our experiences make it immediately obvious to us that this girl is a future horrible train wreck and we yearn for this guy to see it the way we do and as quickly as we do.

He will get it one day, hopefully soon, and look back and be aghast at how he viewed this childish and terribly selfish girl.

Brady, stop the painshopping.

I know that when you are young, you feel that the world is against you, and that the person who 'had your back' has left you, and you are in a huge hole of pain.

Then you feel that you should embrace and prolong the pain, because it confirms the world is against you, so you drink it all in, and wallow in it. BTDT. It does not help, it only stops you from living your life. Get over it. The average lifespan is 75yrs (unless it has gone up again), that means you have about 54yrs of your life to live. Don't waste it on thinking about her.

She is not making any attempt to reassure you that she is a good person. She is a narcissist, and will not be surprised if she has a bet going on with her 'friends' that will be with on her trip, to shag at least one person in every town/city/country she will be visiting. this is to fulfill her life, not for you. She is selfish to the core. Kinda YOLO but with no thought to the consequences (she could well contract a STD).

You really don't want people like her in your life, unless you like drama and complications (or if you are a masochist).

Her first break up was balls of steel. She cheated with all those guys for YOU. you know so it can make your sex life better together. What a champ she is to take one for the team like that. Really? Your bullshit detector didnt go ding ding ding on hearing that from her?

Her second one was a little more honest but still not truthful. You all DO want different things. You want a loving committed relationship. She wants a steady guy at home, to brag she's engaged to her friends, and to have random sex as often as she can.

Hi, just thought I'd update everyone on how I'm doing.. I told my friends and parents. My friends are very supportive and had taken me out and trying to get me out of my funk... It has helped.. In went out for St Patricks Day, had a great time, met a girl... Is this what college life is supposed to be like? More on that in a bit.. My parents dont believe me. They think I must have done something to mess it up. They absolutely adore her and my mom even called see how she is doing.. Mom says my gf cried and kept telling her how much she missed me...

I guess I'm moving on with my life... I'm seeing a new girl, she's great, but she's a party girl too.. She's in a sorority, but she's really sweet and brings me snacks and stuff while I'm studying... I told her my about my recent break up and she's really understanding... I see now that there's more to the world than my ex... I have a big problem though and I need help but i don't know what to do about it.... I still look at her Instagram everyday.. And log onto her accounts and look at her pics that she sent out to all the guys... Im ashamed to admit this but I keep watching the videos too... This is affecting things with the new girl because, well... I can't be intimate with her... My body doesn't allow it....the only time I'm "good to go" is if think about my ex or watch her videos... Needless to say nothing physical has happened with the new girl..i dont kniw what to tell her..but she's been understanding.

I need help. Emotionaly I feel like I'm moving on.. I don't think about her all the time..and I'm good there... But my wires are crossed or something, and it's messing me up physically.. Just have a sweet girl that likes me for whatever reason, and I'm probably gonna mess this up somehow. I sent her an email to tell her to change all her passwords, but that was a week ago..im weak..ahhh I suck... But thanks to everyone for your support... It's hard to talk a out this stuff in real life.

It sounds like it's waaaayy too soon for you to be in a new relationship. Especially with you stalking your ex online and your performance issues due to her. You're not doing yourself or any woman you choose to go after any favors by dating them at this time in your life.

Thanks for the update though. And good job with the exposure (although I'd be pissed at my parents if they reacted like yours).

Hey Brady,

I want to say that I just read through your thread front to back and felt compelled to say how proud I am of where you are today vs where you were when you first posted. I think you've got a good head on your shoulders and you deserve better than what your X was ever going to be able to give you.

I hear so much of myself in some of the things you are saying and feeling from whenever I went through my first big breakup. Just pretend your situation was mine exactly (it really was) except I was one year younger when I discovered that she was cheating and my gf did almost exactly like yours did to "let me down easy" I too obsessed and blamed myself, constantly looked at our old pictures, and believed her lies. Then I found out she slept with one of my roomates in my bed before we had broken up and I had gone to class for the day. Yeah you need to unfuck yourself from this situation my friend. I inadvertenly delayed my own healing process by several years by doing this. DON'T do this. Go see a counsler or therapist for yourself today before your two years out and still attached like I was. It still took another string of tragedies ultimately get me into therapy but I almost immediately wished I had gone the day I broke up with her.

You have some work to do (so does everyone all the time though) before you can be the best version of yourself you can be. Get a rubber band and pop yourself with it to distract yourself from the picture until you feel strong enough to forget about looking at her picture without the added distraction.

Hang in there,

Oh yeah and I know that's your mother so I won't say what I'm really thinking in response to her blaming you for your X cheating. I will, however, say that she is WRONG. There's no better resource of information and guidance in the world for infidelity than the site you are on right now. Do your best to try and find a thread where the vets of this site feel the same. It's your X's fault and you don't ever need anyone putting that on you.

You need to cut off all contact with her. Unfriend her, take her off your contacts, throw away any reminders of her. Stay of of Instagram and limit your computer time. Hang out with your friends, hit the gym, and do stuff outdoors.Take some time to get a sense of your self before you get in a serious relationship.

You'll be fine.

[This message edited by badmemory at 8:57 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

Brady, I’m glad to see you posting and appreciate your update. I have kids your age and it truly pains me to hear that your parents seem to be pinning this on you. That disturbs me more than I can express.

Please KNOW that you are not at fault here.

I’m sure the female attention feels good right now, but you are honestly doing both of you a disservice by engaging in any type of relationship right now. You are still way too raw and in too much pain. Use this time to become comfortable and confident with yourself.

As others have said, you will not start healing until you detach. You need to curb your impulses to pain shop and stop looking at her social media, etc.

You are so very young and have limited relationship experience. I know this, percentagewise, has taken up a great deal of your life and it’s hard to imagine a future different than what you had planned. Please believe the “old folks” here that someday you will look back and be so glad that you dodged this bullet. I promise. Stay strong and keep working on yourself. You have a lot to offer and when you have healed, you will find a better woman to share your life with!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 12:10 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

They absolutely adore her and my mom even called see how she is doing.. Mom says my gf cried and kept telling her how much she missed me...

Your XGF is rewriting history and painting herself as the innocent victim. Tell your parents your XGF is a whore and a cheat and that you got pics and video proof you can show them if they don't believe you.

I'm seeing a new girl, she's great, but she's a party girl too

But my wires are crossed or something

Are you in a sorority and are your friends in sorority's? I'm beginning to think you are being hazed or worse. Are you in IC? If not...why not. For whatever reason you seem to gravitate towards party girls. Strippers have more morals.

You have been in a relationship since the 11th grade and are now 21…

Grady – take time to be alone. Take time to be single and totally dependent on YOURSELF to find happiness.

You won’t find that happiness in parties or in a bar or in the arms of someone else. You will find it when you wake up one Tuesday completely content with yourself, raging for the day to start.

What your mom and dad think… Doesn’t really matter. What your ex GF needs… doesn’t matter.

Who knows. MAYBE a year from now you two might reconnect. Or maybe not. I know for certain that the 16-year-old Bigger was a totally different Bigger than the 21-year-old Bigger, and again from the 25-year-old Bigger. Allow YOURSELF to progress and develop completely irrespective of any person anyone else things should be with you. Focus on YOU.

Much like you, I found myself suddenly single at 21. I thought I was going to marry her. She didn't cheat, but she did dump me because she thought I had no future (she was wrong). Long story short, I was in your same shoes.

I tried dating a few girls that I had zero chemistry with, who I didn't even really like, because I felt that I needed to move on. I needed to be pursuing SOMEBODY. Friends set me up, yada yada, it was awful. I wasn't over my ex either. Finally I decided enough was enough, and I didn't date anyone for a year. I didn't set out to do it that way, it just kinda happened. From July/August 2004 until 4th of July weekend 2005, I was 100% single. It was awesome! I had so much fun with my friends, discovering myself and who I was. My life didn't truly begin until then. I was completely free, for that short time in my life. Out of my parents house, but not yet married and all that entails. Even though it's a bit unusual for a man 22-23 to not have sex for a year, it was a small price to pay for the fun I was having. I highly recommend you do something similar. The last thing you need is another girl right now, unless you're both truly down with some NSA sex.

Also, you're an adult now, time for Mom to stay out of your love life. My Mom was very involved in my personal life while I was young too, but eventually that stopped when I moved out and stopped telling her things.

Brady...

1. Ask your mother if she wants to see the proof of what lead to the breakup...if she refuses or turns it back on you again, remove her from your support system, she is blinded by her emotions.

2. Your XGF was crying selfish crocodile tears in that "no doubt" she isn't happy but the reason is that she can't have her cake and eat it too. She wasn't willing to stop the infidelity that she's living to work on a R but crying because she lost you. She knows she messed up in losing you but, in the long run, would you ever really be able to trust her knowing the low value she places on fidelity?

She will be a major risk for infidelity going forward as in her own words, "it was just sex"...it proves you and she are way too different in that with you (I suspect) its never "just sex" but a commitment and an emotional connection or else its cheap and degrading.

You will need to go through the passage of pain but you'll be better and discussing values and commitment once you've recovered from this experience. I know because I too went through something like this at exactly your age. I strongly suggest you get some IC to help you gain clarity and speed up your recovery.

Got to say this to the line about party girls having less morals than strippers. I actually laughed out loud when I saw that. Some Strippers may have stronger, more, less, or weaker values than some party girls, sure. Morales are how strongly you value "something". So without knowing what that something is how can they be less or more than something else. I think what you were trying to say is that in general party girls are not going to share Brady's own system of values. Which I would probably agree with. I have been in open relationships before (turned out not to really be my thing but I'm glad I had that experience) where both my SO's conduct and my own would have seemed to be lacking from a character standpoint to outsiders. However, we trusted each other and oddly had even more rules than I suspect 99 percent of self-declared and intended "monogamous" couples ever set. It comes down to understanding each other and trusting the other person. It's actually a conversation I think more couples should have personally.

Brady glad to see you checked in with an update.

As others have mentioned you need to quit all contact with her. Every single time you look at her Instagram you're keeping yourself from healing and moving forward in your life.

As for your parents, to be blunt, they are WAY out of line and you NEED to tell them (and to show them the truth) and than tell them to keep their comments to themselves and to QUIT CALLING HER. Show them who this girl is (and what she did to you.....their son) and than ask them if they still think it was your fault? Nothing you did drove her to having sex with anything with a heartbeat.

Brady enjoy college life while you're still there, but more importantly take care of business (your school work).

Also as we've been saying all along it would definitely behoove you to get yourself into counseling to help you work through some of this stuff.

Also wanted to say that I am EXTREMELY proud of you for telling your friends and your parents. They NEEDED to know. Your parents need to know more details Brady so they can truly understand what you've been going through.

Please continue to keep us updated Brady.