SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now that I’ve got your attention...

So I decided to check out my wife’s thread in the Wayward Forum but I thought to star backwards and read the most recent posts first. Well the first 2 posts I read were ones asking my wife if she’s willing to invite another woman into our bedroom for us to have a threesome (I didn’t get past those 2 posts).

Now I don’t mean to put anyone down or judge people for what they do behind closed doors. If you and your SO are into that sort of thing, have at it. More power to you. But in the context of infidelity...really? I mean really???

Look. As a BS, aren’t we all here because another person was brought into our marriages? I don’t get this line of thinking. If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong. Don’t we tell our kids that two wrongs don’t make a right? That no, you can’t punch him back just because he punched you? And don’t tell me that here the WS would be agreeing to it. That’s bullshit IMO. It would be agreed to under duress because he or she is willing to do anything to help save their marriage. All justifications I’ve seen have been about justice, revenge, or the guy getting his mojo back. I have to believe there are healthier and better ways to accomplish those things without pushing a spouse into a threesome.

Sorry if it sounds like I’m coming down hard on folks. Not my intention. I’m really flabbergasted. Is this something that people should consider seriously? Am I completely off base?

I'm inclined to agree with you. It reminds me of the suggestions of opening up the relationship in the aftermath. It fixes nothing. I daresay it makes everything worse.

ETA: Many WSs might have unaddressed boundary issues as well, and perhaps following the A, they'll begin looking at them for the first time and learning what healthy boundaries look like. Pressuring a WS (or ANYONE) into a threesome because "they owe it" would say to me the opposite of developing healthy boundaries.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:27 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

It would be agreed to under duress because he or she is willing to do anything to help save their marriage.

Exactly. Thank you for acknowledging this as the truth.

At the risk of sounding snarky, it's against guidelines to post a thread about another thread. I've seen some of the posts, but not that one. Specifically, "Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location."

Post to that thread your thoughts and feelings, etc.

It just can be inflammartory and turn "attackerish" - I'm not saying it IS, but generally it's a bad idea. Remember it's anonymous so no one is specifically worried about their IRL reputation etc.

You can post in WS forum, unless there is a stop sign on the thread. WS can not post in JFO ever, for any reason.

I am not a mod, nor is this an attack or "official" post.

[This message edited by smokenfire at 9:35 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

Am I completely off base?

No. You are not. EOM.

I am not a mod, nor is this an attack or "official" post.

Then mind your own bidness and let the mods do their job IF they see fit to do so.

Personally, I think it should stand.

I couldn’t even read it.

So the BS is supposed to dump all their own values because the WS did? How is that even helpful.

A sexual surrogate? surrogate? Just gross

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:03 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

So... threesomes are bandaids for the soul?

So... threesomes are bandaids for the soul?

And cyanide for the "relationship".

Should stick with puppies then.

<sigh>

Its always the damn. Puppies. One for a birthday. On for valentine's day. One for the anniversary. One for xmas. End up with like 80 damn dogs if I didn't freeze dry the things.

I'm honestly wondering if people from the Wayward section would be asking a WS about initiating a threesome if the BS had been a female and the WS a male. It seems like there's a bit of a societal double standard that BGG 3somes are okay but BBG 3somes make the girl a "slut"?

So - everyone (maybe a very few not) are here because of lousy boundaries or the selfish choice to ignore a known boundary.

bad enough to end up in a "threesome" (of course Mr. Walloped didn't know he was in one till his brother informed him) - like Mr. & Mrs. Walloped - that should never have happened.

When people break - or their brokenness comes to light by example of their choices - people with boundaries that are known to be positive guides for how to behave in life and are aghast as such a choice.

Now to WILLINGLY and with FORETHOUGHT to "do a threesome" - that is a perfect example of selfish behavior. People can twist logic to lead to a deduction that almost anything a human can do is "justified." The History of humanity on this planet is littered with examples of how NOT to make lousy choices.

An intentional "threesome" in a marriage - this appears to be an intentional misguided effort to what? Satisfy carnal desire? Really? Appears to be thinking using your genitals for decision making rather than your gray matter above your eyebrows (hoping you have some!)

Walloped - I don't think the suggestion was intended to cause pain (it did/does) or malicious in intent - but one persons way of trying to "fix" their own pain(s)

T he suggestion is crass and totally inappropriate to have been posted in Mrs. Walloped thread.

I don’t get this line of thinking.

Neither do I, but look at the source -- a BS who accepted a threesome offered by the WS as a way to try and deal with the damage done, but then went on to "manufacture karma" including having some ONS's post Dday, becoming involved with the AP's spouse and ending with divorce. While entitled to their own opinion about the value of a threesome as a way to help the BS, their own story seems to lean more towards punishing the WS. This certainly seems to be a time where one should take what is helpful and leave the rest. I'm hopeful that MrsWalloped is taking this angle and, potentially, that it serves as a conversation starter between the two of you to discuss the emotions, dynamics and details of what working through a successful reconciliation together looks like for each of you.

On a slightly different note, I'm encouraged by what MrsWalloped is writing and hope that you see growth, healing and empathy in her based on what she is experiencing here on SI.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 1:47 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

Walloped, you do know how to get our attention. Had you titled the thread Threesomes and Bacon it would be even more eye catching.

Yea. Saw those posts. Mentioned that you are not in that demographic.

Threesomes, even the “clinical” variety (honestly did not know that was a thing) are probably not a proven therapeutic solution.

If a WS suggests it of their own free will, I would not think “boy she really wants to help them heal.”

I would assume that they are using what they know best (sex) to get the BS to come down to their level. And thus lose any moral high ground.

Am I completely off base?

Absolutely not.

I actually think revenge type affairs are worse than the original. In many cases the WS makes every effort to hide the affair and to not deliberately hurt the BS, even though that is misguided thinking. In the case of a revenge affair it is a cold and calculated means to hurt the other spouse.

The idea of a threesome is just plain ridiculous.

By the way I think it is an excellent idea that Mrs Walloped posts, so please don't be put off by this type of input.

Walloped,

Hi! Nice to finally meet you! Heard so much aabout you from your wife's thread. Wish that our introduction could have been under better circumstances, but for what it's worth, you two give me hope that there is a way out of this mess.

Good for you for speaking up on this! Like, the best way for you to get through this is to bring yet another person into this. Why not 3 women? Or, I got it! 10! Enjoy your harem! Lol

Obviously, I'm joking. If I was being 100% honest with myself, I would be hurt if my wife suggested that. That to me would be cheapening an already fragile marriage. Sure, for some, the idea of a threesome is a fantasy. Something that maybe most had the desire for, but would not suggest with someone that you want to spend your life with. Yeah, maybe that girl that you dated a long time ago that you knew wasn't going anywhere long term. Not a wife that you had and are trying to re-establish respect for. That suggestion would hurt a lot. Especially in a fragile marriage where sex has been an issue.

The irony of my particular situation is, and I do believe that I've told her this shortly after D Day, is that if she would have asked for a threesome before the A, If she asked to bring another man into the relationship, kind of like a "bucket list" thing, I would have considered it. I loved her and would have done just about anything to make her happy and feel fulfilled. I would have been a part of it, and I could live with that. Now? Never. Sex almost destroyed my family.

As I said, good for you for addressing this. I'm glad that you did.

Walloped, I'll throw my opinion in here.

My WW didn't immediately "get it". She blameshifted, rewrote some marital history, and blew some of our past problems way out of proportion. She had absolutely zero empathy for me or my situation as someone that had been betrayed.

To say she was unremorseful is an understatement.

I felt the need to punish her. I needed her to feel what I felt. I wanted her to understand the damage she had caused. So I became a complete asshole. I said and did horrible, cruel shit to her. I did a bunch of things in the aftermath that I deeply regret today. Some of it actually haunts me more than her A. She did end the A on her own and she desperately wanted to fix the M, she just didn't have the tools to mend what she had broken. That coupled with a hurt and pissed off BH with a need for justice or vengeance is a recipe for a marital disaster. I didn't have the tools to cope with what had happened either. It was a toxic, fucked up mess.

Anyway, I think that's where some of the threads as SI come from. The revenge A, threesome, AP revenge, on demand sex, no sex, hallpass, and overall negative R threads all come from the place I'm describing. Those folks are just in a bad, bad situation and they are struggling. It sucks, I've been there myself. I guess try to cut those folks some slack and try to keep them from doing things that will haunt them too.

Great post Walloped and I'm proud to see Mrs Walloped posting as well.

End up with like 80 damn dogs if I didn't freeze dry the things.

Want to swap some frozen puppies?

Had you titled the thread Threesomes and Bacon it would be even more eye catching.

Mmm.... bacon....

What were we talking about again?

Walloped

You are not off base.

It seems this was an attempt to find a solution to what they see as a problem (leveling the score, so to speak) when there really isn’t a true solution that could ever provide a real fix beyond admitting the pain the A caused and working thru that pain together.

Even if you were to choose this suggested path, it wouldn’t heal the agony of the fact your wife chose to open the M without you knowing or your consent. Having a third person in your bedroom is not the same thing.

You and Mrs W have done a great job of figuring out how to R in a way you can live with, and even when there are dips in the roller coaster ride you know the right way to work through them.

You both know what works for your relationship. I don’t think the posters of the idea meant harm, but I think many knew it wouldn’t resonate with you.

Thank you both for sharing your journey. It’s been helpful to many.

I read a little of that thread but I didn’t take it like you. Maybe I’m thinking of the wrong thread. I understood it as not an actual thing to do but as a how would you like it if.

Not sure if that makes sense. I thought they were asking her to try to put herself in your shoes. I may have been wrong or thinking about another thread though.