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Newest Member: Arcangel

Wayward Side :
The process of discovering our true "Why's"

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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 10:57 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Bump

posts: 2580   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8669228
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 10:16 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

This post has been one of the best ones I have read. I plan to share this with my WH. Hoping he can get to this point of wanting to find out his "why". Right now he is in the stage of not wanting to face his pain. It's been almost two weeks since final D-Day so I may have to wait awhile.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10 on D-Day. D-day 1/28/21, 44-day affair. D-Day that is was physical 6/18/21.

posts: 182   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8671438
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:47 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Bump

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8693788
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veryhurt2018 ( member #65877) posted at 11:09 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

DaddyDom, thank you so much for writing this. It’s the best post I’ve read. I’m 3 ½ years from D-day and mine was incredibly painful as it took a whole year of going to therapy DAILY to get my SAWH to admit all that he did (if that even IS all of it). I went into complete shock for about a year and still suffer from PTSD today. We are what we call "reconciled" and he has worked hard and finished the 12-steps of SAA, but I still don’t feel like he’s gotten to the "real whys". All I’ve gotten is that he slept with hundreds of prostitutes because he had to "relieve an urge" and now he says it was because of his abusive and neglectful childhood. Well, for some reason, I don’t understand how you get from being neglected/abused as a child to sleeping with hundreds of prostitutes. Do the WS’s share the progression of all the "whys" with their spouses? Because I still don’t understand the whys for my SAWH. He treats me like a queen, and really has our whole marriage, so why do I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SOMETHING MISSING now?

Me-BW(47) Him-SAWH(57) D-Day: 5/9/18 followed by trickle truth for 12 months. Lots of cheating

posts: 148   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: California
id 8694114
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ShatteredImage ( new member #79477) posted at 3:24 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I really liked rose2206's comment about confronting issues and how it becomes fuel for doing better instead of burning things to the ground. I vacillate between looking at what I was unhappy about and why I didn't confront it head on. Why didn't I self-love, or perhaps I only self-loved, enough to say X or Y bothers me? Why wasn't I responsive or why did I look for BW to tell me what was wrong with me - did I place her as a parent stand-in, seems too cerebral like I'm trying but failing.

I don't think I have deep seated issues from childhood, but there are definitely things that weren't ideal but most of us have something. I wasn't abused, but I was very independent - mom worked nights, no dad, and it was me. I had to take care of homework and the usual stuff, most I remember getting yelled about was my room and not moving the clothes our of the washer into dryer.

I'm looking for my Whys, I don't know if I'll get to some deep meaning. I recognize my responsibility - using the comments from earlier, I recognize I broke the vase and want to pay for it. I am responsible, I had no mental illness and kept a secret for 18months and who knows how long I would have continued. It felt like it was already unravelling but I could probably keep it limping on life support as I had no plan to stop - who knows. When confronted with it, I flailed against acceptance for a week. Lots of missteps were taken to further shatter the trust, to the point where BS feels like I am dangerous - because I would protect myself before thinking of others and didn't look at her side. Shame spiraled in me after admitting I had an A, I stayed in a hotel for a few days while my kids made it hard for my BS. Mistakenly, they were more involved than they should have been. I moved back into the guest room and am happy to be able to be there for homework or other activities, but she is suffering - cant bear to see me and says I haven't done the emotional work and am not being honest. IC says her reactions are normal and is trying to focus on me, but like Dom I used my intellect or humor to build this external image of myself and so far we're discussing things about my childhood, upbringing, what I thought I got from the A and what I thought I was missing from the M. He is blunt, what you did is wrong and I accept that whole heartedly - I'm hoping to fall off a cliff into understanding, feel like I've accepted but don't understand.

D-Day 9/11/21 - 9/19/21WS(me 40sM)Status: IC, reading and forums

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2021
id 8694149
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 5:11 AM on Friday, January 28th, 2022

bumped for livingingrief

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3809   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8712231
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Copec ( new member #79885) posted at 4:13 PM on Sunday, February 13th, 2022

This post is fantastic. Thank you for your insight and the extent to which you broke it down with examples of writing down the why. Thank you!

WS/mad hatter-8 months post DDay.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2022
id 8715875
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Pleaseforgiveme1 ( new member #70845) posted at 7:45 AM on Friday, March 18th, 2022

DaddyDom,
Have you considered being a mentor or something similar? If so please reach out to me. I’m desperate and hurting, along with my BS. I need help. Thank you

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8723895
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 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 2:30 PM on Friday, March 18th, 2022

Thanks Pleaseforgiveme1,

While I'm always willing to help out on an individual basis if needed, your best bet is to post on the forums. I'm just one person, just one point of view. The power and beauty of SI is that there are MANY awesome people here and the ability to hear advice from dozens of people who are in the same boat as you is nothing short of amazing. We are ALL your mentors. Post in Wayward, and you'll reach the people that have some advice for you.

Good on you for finding this site and for having the courage to reach out, and it is also good that you asked this question, as it shows you are making an effort. Keep it up! That's what will help more than anything.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1280   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8723971
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 1:48 PM on Saturday, March 19th, 2022

Pleaseforgiveme1, you have a pm.

Great response Daddydom.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15216   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8724291
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Lostwings ( new member #79902) posted at 7:59 PM on Saturday, March 19th, 2022

DaddyDom,
Thanks to you and your BS for the advice and being truly frank.
I read yours and your wife’s stories.
I will try to show your post to my WS. He is getting better in acknowledging the why’s but he is still a work in progress ..
Your wife found your email which was a start to healing while I only found out one text from the AP. He deleted all the messages routinely during his A and right after I found out. I am totally dependent on his confession and it is very difficult for my WS to put it all on the table; he always say that he is afraid to hurt me more . I give him credit for still being on NC with the AP.
Here we are , 7 months after dday#2 and he is still keeping the deepest secrets .. his feelings towards her and me before, during and after the Affair.

I am still hoping that through all this devastating bad days and good days just like your wife before me, I can eventually heal and start the reconciliation .

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8724343
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 12:59 PM on Sunday, May 22nd, 2022

Bump

WW/BW

posts: 2736   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8736410
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ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 4:12 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

Thank you so much DaddyDom. This may be the post that gets through to my WH.

BS(me):42 WH:43 Married
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies
TTDDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies
TTDDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
TTDDay 4- 04/11/2022 Conf PA w/1 EA
05/19/22 Breakthrough
Currently in R.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8737222
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