I really liked rose2206's comment about confronting issues and how it becomes fuel for doing better instead of burning things to the ground. I vacillate between looking at what I was unhappy about and why I didn't confront it head on. Why didn't I self-love, or perhaps I only self-loved, enough to say X or Y bothers me? Why wasn't I responsive or why did I look for BW to tell me what was wrong with me - did I place her as a parent stand-in, seems too cerebral like I'm trying but failing.
I don't think I have deep seated issues from childhood, but there are definitely things that weren't ideal but most of us have something. I wasn't abused, but I was very independent - mom worked nights, no dad, and it was me. I had to take care of homework and the usual stuff, most I remember getting yelled about was my room and not moving the clothes our of the washer into dryer.
I'm looking for my Whys, I don't know if I'll get to some deep meaning. I recognize my responsibility - using the comments from earlier, I recognize I broke the vase and want to pay for it. I am responsible, I had no mental illness and kept a secret for 18months and who knows how long I would have continued. It felt like it was already unravelling but I could probably keep it limping on life support as I had no plan to stop - who knows. When confronted with it, I flailed against acceptance for a week. Lots of missteps were taken to further shatter the trust, to the point where BS feels like I am dangerous - because I would protect myself before thinking of others and didn't look at her side. Shame spiraled in me after admitting I had an A, I stayed in a hotel for a few days while my kids made it hard for my BS. Mistakenly, they were more involved than they should have been. I moved back into the guest room and am happy to be able to be there for homework or other activities, but she is suffering - cant bear to see me and says I haven't done the emotional work and am not being honest. IC says her reactions are normal and is trying to focus on me, but like Dom I used my intellect or humor to build this external image of myself and so far we're discussing things about my childhood, upbringing, what I thought I got from the A and what I thought I was missing from the M. He is blunt, what you did is wrong and I accept that whole heartedly - I'm hoping to fall off a cliff into understanding, feel like I've accepted but don't understand.