Newest Member: AcesEights

Wayward Side :
The process of discovering our true "Why's"

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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 10:57 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Bump

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8669228
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 10:16 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

This post has been one of the best ones I have read. I plan to share this with my WH. Hoping he can get to this point of wanting to find out his "why". Right now he is in the stage of not wanting to face his pain. It's been almost two weeks since final D-Day so I may have to wait awhile.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 158   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8671438
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:47 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Bump

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8693788
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veryhurt2018 ( member #65877) posted at 11:09 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

DaddyDom, thank you so much for writing this. It’s the best post I’ve read. I’m 3 ½ years from D-day and mine was incredibly painful as it took a whole year of going to therapy DAILY to get my SAWH to admit all that he did (if that even IS all of it). I went into complete shock for about a year and still suffer from PTSD today. We are what we call "reconciled" and he has worked hard and finished the 12-steps of SAA, but I still don’t feel like he’s gotten to the "real whys". All I’ve gotten is that he slept with hundreds of prostitutes because he had to "relieve an urge" and now he says it was because of his abusive and neglectful childhood. Well, for some reason, I don’t understand how you get from being neglected/abused as a child to sleeping with hundreds of prostitutes. Do the WS’s share the progression of all the "whys" with their spouses? Because I still don’t understand the whys for my SAWH. He treats me like a queen, and really has our whole marriage, so why do I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SOMETHING MISSING now?

Me-BW(51)Him-SAWH(57 at D-Day)D-Day: 5/9/18 followed by trickle truth for 12 months

posts: 146   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: California
id 8694114
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ShatteredImage ( new member #79477) posted at 3:24 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I really liked rose2206's comment about confronting issues and how it becomes fuel for doing better instead of burning things to the ground. I vacillate between looking at what I was unhappy about and why I didn't confront it head on. Why didn't I self-love, or perhaps I only self-loved, enough to say X or Y bothers me? Why wasn't I responsive or why did I look for BW to tell me what was wrong with me - did I place her as a parent stand-in, seems too cerebral like I'm trying but failing.

I don't think I have deep seated issues from childhood, but there are definitely things that weren't ideal but most of us have something. I wasn't abused, but I was very independent - mom worked nights, no dad, and it was me. I had to take care of homework and the usual stuff, most I remember getting yelled about was my room and not moving the clothes our of the washer into dryer.

I'm looking for my Whys, I don't know if I'll get to some deep meaning. I recognize my responsibility - using the comments from earlier, I recognize I broke the vase and want to pay for it. I am responsible, I had no mental illness and kept a secret for 18months and who knows how long I would have continued. It felt like it was already unravelling but I could probably keep it limping on life support as I had no plan to stop - who knows. When confronted with it, I flailed against acceptance for a week. Lots of missteps were taken to further shatter the trust, to the point where BS feels like I am dangerous - because I would protect myself before thinking of others and didn't look at her side. Shame spiraled in me after admitting I had an A, I stayed in a hotel for a few days while my kids made it hard for my BS. Mistakenly, they were more involved than they should have been. I moved back into the guest room and am happy to be able to be there for homework or other activities, but she is suffering - cant bear to see me and says I haven't done the emotional work and am not being honest. IC says her reactions are normal and is trying to focus on me, but like Dom I used my intellect or humor to build this external image of myself and so far we're discussing things about my childhood, upbringing, what I thought I got from the A and what I thought I was missing from the M. He is blunt, what you did is wrong and I accept that whole heartedly - I'm hoping to fall off a cliff into understanding, feel like I've accepted but don't understand.

D-Day 9/11/21 - 9/19/21WS(me 40sM)Status: IC, reading and forums

posts: 27   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2021
id 8694149
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