SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've never seen a post by a BH who regretted divorcing his cheating wife.

Yet, there are several cases in these forums where the BH ended up re-marrying his WW.

I have been reading some threads in the reconciliation forum that are not encouraging. BSs who are 5, 10 and even 20 years out who still think about the betrayal daily. I feel terrible for the people in that forum because so many seem so very miserable. Strangely, the discussion in the divorce forum seems more positive.

I agree with what others have stressed. It wouldn't be an interesting read if i got on the R boards and posted every time my W did something right.

I tend to stay away from that board. I'll check it on slow days, but it's a board i don’t truly understand. It should be full of great stories.

My wife and I are almost to the 2 year mark and our marriage is better than ever.

I will never forget what she did to our marriage, but the pain isn't anything like it was.

Alas, D or R, only you can make that choice and only you know what you can live with.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:32 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

Sadly, I do still love her as much as ever. She was my first everything and has been a part of my life for what seems like forever. She was and is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, the only person I have ever had sex with and the mother of my two wonderful daughters. The last 6 or 7 years with her have easily been the best of my life. We have shared so many important events together. And we had so many exciting plans for the future. But I don’t think any of those things will be enough for me forgive her. I just don’t think my stupid male ego will let me get beyond this.

Reading this was both heart wrenching, and comforting all at the same time for me. It has really helped me feel that I'm not alone.

As I mentioned before, unlike you, the decision to D was made for me. I can't possibly imagine being in your shoes, that would be hell. I admire your resolve, just like I admired Spaceghost's when I first joined the forum.

I wish you my heartfelt best to make the best decision that works for you.

My final thought is that perhaps after the holidays are over, and your DDs are back at school, maybe you should discuss your feelings with your WW. You've listened to her, read her letters, watched her ball her eyes out while she incoherently rambles. I think it's time that she sits back and listens to you. Ask her how she expects you to ever get past this? Ask how she expects you to ever be able to make love to her again? Tell her you still love her, and how you mourn the loss of the future that you'll never have together. I know you want to maintain NC, and that's fine, but at some point I think it would be beneficial for you to tell her everything that you think. Also, read the letter in your safe from her first round of therapy. I know it'll be hard, but I don't think you should make up your mind to R or D until you have examined all the evidence.

For a new poster Fenderguy has great insight and summarizes well the thoughts i was trying to relay in my last two posts. At some point you will have to decide if you are ever going to start talking to her. Maybe you are waiting for your emotions to be manageable enough to do so. I’m not sure that point will ever come. This stuff is emotional and there will be lots of pain and tears when and if you finally do decide to meet with her.

But even if you decide to D, doing so without ever sitting down with her at least once to ask and answer questions like I, fenderguy and others here have suggested may be something you end up regretting.

Perhaps set a date and time a few weeks in the future to get together for a limited time period. Maybe one or two hours at most. If it goes well, a few days later do the same.

I’m sure you are discussing this possibility with your IC. Perhaps they can help you come up with such a plan.

I’m glad you decided to post again. After the initial flurry right after DDay it seems that for any BS it gets difficult to continue keeping up with the barrage of well intentioned thoughts from the support team here. You appear to be a person of strong character who we all know will act in the best interests of your DDs, yourself, and no matter what you decide, even of your WW.

I wish you a healthy start to the new year.

Oh and PS to Fenderman, when and if you are ready, it would be an honor for all of us here to help you work through the pain you are suffering from as a result of your WW’s actions.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:30 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

I’ve read all of your posts. Your story is truly tragic.

You stated “she may even be the best reconciliation candidate ever.” Based on her behavior for the past 6 -7 years, this may seem to be the case. However, by keeping you in the dark for so long you were denied the opportunity to choose or reject her. So in my opinion, you were robbed of those years as well as the previous eight or nine. I don’t believe this means reconciliation is impossible. But she must be made aware that the years of deception following the affair, regardless of her intentions, contributed greatly to the destruction of your marriage. Sadly, 6 -7 years of apparent devotion to you and your family may have been entirely negated by this fact.

That said, I do have sympathy for your wife. My feeling is that initially self-preservation was the most likely impetus for her re-dedication to your marriage. Whether that remained her primary motivation is known only to her. However, I believe her actions since exposure indicate that may have changed over the years. A caveat to this notion is that she would have necessarily undergone a very apparent transformation in character, and it would not have happened overnight.

It is very difficult to reconcile the picture of a woman who currently seems to be so devoted to you with the one who carried on such a long and shameless affair. An affair unwittingly financed by yourself for so many years. These two versions of the same lady seem to have only one thing in common… the willingness to hide the truth.

[This message edited by EarsEyesTongue at 1:10 PM, December 30th (Saturday)]

Hello A1,

Your story resonated with me because there are some similarities. I did get to blow up POSOM's life, but while it gave me a great deal of satisfaction at the time, in the end it's a hollow victory.

My wife and I are divorcing. She hates the idea. So do my kids, but I can't live with her as my wife with what she has done. Like you, I have to deal with a wife that was one way with me and an entirely different way with her lover...more adventurous, animated and active...doing things I'd asked about and got rejected and even shamed but with him it was no problem. I saw video, however, secretly recorded by POSOM...FUUUUCK!

I still love her more than anything, though. So the solution we came up with is we'd divorce but date as a couple. It's weird, but it seems to work. We've already started. I keep the house and buy her out.

We've divided assets, but because we're still together, kind of, it's like we both have access to everything. In my state, the separation agreement is basically the divorce settlement and Catholic guilt made her very contrite and generous.

The kids, who are younger, will stay with me and she's rented an apartment nearby. They see each other often.

If she stays over with me, she brings a bag with things she'll need and she takes everything with her when she leave. Same rules for me.

Friends ask me if I'm crazy. Maybe, but it's working. The kids are as happy as they can be, considering. WW is holding out hope we can truly reconcile, but understands if we don't and is fine with the current arrangement, she says.

My logic is it's better to deal with the devil you know than a devil you don't. Besides, I have no interest in other women, even though the infidelity rapid weight loss diet has apparently made me a stud...or so I've been told by some very nice ladies. And I can't STAND the idea of her with other men (not telling her that though). She claims to want me and only me (where have I heard that before).

We've agreed that if the situation stops working for either of us, we'll let the other know, before we see anyone else. In the mean time I don't risk any more of my assets and get to essentially keep what I've already got.

Maybe a similar solution would work for you.

AO,

I hope you’re doing well.

Anyway, I understand stand you’re experiencing a tough time. In any event, we will support any decision you make. Moreover, we’ll support you if you change your mind. For better, or worse, welcome to the emotional roller coaster.

HatefulNow, that's a reasonable approach, friend. Hope it keeps working for you.

HatefulNow: I am sorry you are going through this as well. Sounds like you have a good handle on your situation though. While the logic of your approach appeals to me, I am not interested in dating my wife or anyone else. My ability to trust a romantic partner is gone. I will not repeat this experience and I know there is no way to guarantee my wife or any other woman won’t cheat on me in the future. I have thought about this quite a bit since my DDs went back to school. I have always been an independent cuss and I am not afraid of being “alone” in the relationship sense.

I know that “only a Sith deals in absolutes” and no one can predict the future, but imagining a life without the risk of this sort of betrayal is oddly comforting. My mind has been at peace since I came to this realization so I feel it is the correct choice for me.

I am now motivated to get back to work and push through the complexities of the formal division of property. The sooner all legal requirements are met and finalized, the sooner I can move on with my life.

For those interested, I finally read through the papers my WW left me on dday. A painful read, but to her credit, WW provided excruciating detail about the 9 years they were together. A very detailed timeline was included, matching everything she told me the night I confronted her. She had also included an apology letter. None of this information was really new. I did find out that she routinely bought AP and me the same Christmas and birthday presents. Apparently he would ask for certain gifts and she would buy the same thing for me. Explains some puzzling presents during that time period.

I really do think she has done almost everything right since he died. I know most of you think she should have told me right away. But, I think that I would have had the same reaction to her affair no matter when I heard about it. Honestly, I wish she had done a better job covering things up. I think I would prefer to have never found out. I guess that is an unpopular opinion around here. Doesn’t really matter now I guess.

I have another IC appointment tomorrow. I am interested to hear what she says about my decision.

Happy New Year everyone. May we all see positive changes in 2018.

Hi A1,

Does your wife address guilt in her letters/papers? Was there any guilt during the affair or did it come after the OM passed away?

A1, you most recent post is indicative of you leaning more towards D than R. Please understand that you might still be at the steep slopes of the rollercoaster ride. I am certainly not talking in favor of R - just trying to have an objective look at what you wrote. 1-2 months is a short period to favor one option over the other. In any case, your posts are inspiring in showing how to rationally process infidelity and weigh the outcomes. Being separated certainly helps, I did not have this opportunity after d-day, strongly thought I could R and had to live with my WW for almost 6 months only to realize that she had no true remorse. Things started sinking in (for me) only during the last 6 months while we were seperated. I understood that even if it would be possible to see a future where she would be doing everything right, the "new history" of our M would haunt me every moment and every good memory around me where she is involved is now meaningless. I do not know if you are forming a similar view. Still, I admire people who are lucky enough to have a truly remorseful spouse and restart everything from scratch and effectively deal with the past.

I also wish you and your DDs a happy new year.

[This message edited by burcm at 2:43 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

I did find out that she routinely bought AP and me the same Christmas and birthday presents. Apparently he would ask for certain gifts and she would buy the same thing for me. Explains some puzzling presents during that time period.

Ok that's a new one. I have heard of WW buying their AP's gifts before. That is pretty standard when in love. But the same gift for both of you?

But for a non-cheater to try and make sense of what a cheater is thinking is a fools errand. It's like a tiger trying to talk to a snake. Different species.

Glad to hear you are moving forward with your life. I hope you and your daughters can start to recover and heal in this new year. Perhaps with time DD2 will reconnect with her mother.

And I do hope that one day you find a good woman. Or a good woman finds you. You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve all the things you wife did not/cannot give you.

Did she address the rotten things she said about you?

She got you what he wanted. Not what you wanted.

How much did she spend on him over the years?

hope there is nothing around that he gave her.

Glad that you have a path and are continuing in counseling.

Peace to you in 2018. hope you heal.

Just a quick response while waiting to meet the lawyer. I know many will say it is too early in this process for me to make any long term decisions. I even recently said I would wait 3-6 months. But I don’t think I can be at peace if there is a possibility of repeat betrayal. I don’t think I could ever enter a new relationship with the proverbial clean slate. I would always second guess my partners feelings and actions. Her actions would continue to haunt me and invalidate any positive experiences. The only way to reduce the risk of future betrayal to zero is to avoid romantic relationships, with WW and all women.

Her letters do discuss her lack of remorse during the affair. She had no guilt because she “deserved to be happy and get the most out of life.” She began to feel guilty and remorseful during her IC.

Sadly we all feel this way going out of a marriage. Its really hard to look at a woman differently for a while. Please just give yourself time to heal. Your wife wont define your future. You will. Once you start to really let go of this you will see there is better women out there. It took me a long time. Its worth the wait.

C

What C9 said above ^^^^

The betrayal will be a distant memory eventually.

AO

Your wife is only one person – one woman. Judging the ability of all women to be faithful on your WW actions isn’t logical. It’s something you need to deal with as you move on because otherwise then this marriage and your WW actions will affect whatever relationship you might have in the future.

IMHO – irrespective of R or D – there is IMHO a certain need to forgive your WW to attain personal healing. That forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with condoning her affair and NOTHING AT ALL with forgetting the affair. It’s more of a personal decision you might make as part of letting her go (if you divorce) or accepting her in your life (if you reconcile). It’s more an acceptance of her being capable of what she did and its consequences. Like I said: It’s not for her but for your personal healing.

I do want to point one thing you might find some solace in. I do fully realize it’s like telling someone that has lost four fingers that at least he has his pinky intact…

The affair was 9 years. We all tend to agree that infidelity is all fantasy. So, for 9 years she and OM professed their love, talked about their spouses, moaned about their plight and what not. Basically, their communications were fantasy. There was no action on the communications… There was no attempt by him to divorce or by her to leave you. The emotions in the communications… simply justifications for an ongoing affair. I don’t think you were plan B because there never was a plan B. Her plan – if she even had one – was simply to be in an affair and to be in a marriage.

You aren’t a robot. You are a hurt person. Your hurt will fade. Human beings have an amazing ability to absorb hurt. Being a person able to love is living.

Do not live your feelings in absolutes. You felt so disheartened by the lack of reconciliation posts. I did as well. I never thought I would love my husband again.

The past 18 months have surprised me. I do love my husband.

I too understand the feeling of wishing I never knew. I wished this for so many months.

I do understand why your wife kept it a secret. As time went on she wasn’t the woman she once was.

It is why she has been able to give you the space you need. She isn’t the same selfish woman.

Closing yourself off to love allows the evil of adultery to do its job.

I can’t recall where I read it...something like....what better way for the devil to spread hurt and hatred than the trickery of an affair.

This sticks to me every time I read stories on SI.

I wish you the best as you forge ahead. Please don’t close yourself off to any possible future. There are good people in this world.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:32 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

A1,

We all want you to move forward and get out of infidelity in whichever path you choose, whether D or R, but I would be lying if I said your WW deserves your forgiveness.

For what it’s worth, I think what you are doing is correct. She got away with too much. It’s time she pays the consequences for her decisions in the past.

I can’t even imagine how traumatic this must have been for you, discovering the past two decades of your life have been a lie. If D will give you peace, then do anything that will enable you to be peaceful again. Just as how your WW “deserved to be happy” at your expense for years, you deserve to peaceful as well, even if it hurts her.

I wish you all the best moving forward.

I realize you are just near the beginning of your emotional rollercoaster, but you really seem to have your mind made up. In your situation I would probably also choose to D, and I don't think there is a soul alive that would argue with your decision to do so. Your children are grown, and they seem like they'd support your decision to D anyway. You also seem like you could take the hit, financially. She will probably be agreeable in the divorce process. As you stated before, you have a mountain of very incriminating evidence on your side, and she would probably prefer that not become public knowledge.

It's your turn to "be happy and get the most out of life". It blows that you have to be separated for an entire year. That means you won't be able to truly move on until this divorce is finalized, which will be in roughly November at the earliest. I know that "new year, clean slate" stuff is bullshit, but you really should focus on making 2018 your year. You have been with WW since you were very young. It's time to start doing things just for yourself. Take a vacation alone, somewhere YOU'VE always wanted to go. Take up new hobbies, the sky's the limit. You'll have a lot more free time now that WW isn't taking up so much of it.

If I were you, I'd inform WW of your decision quickly. Tell her that she won't be moving back home. She can choose to stay with her sister forever, or get her own place (and a job). Tell her that she is no longer in a state of limbo... she simply won't be getting her old life back. Tell her that she needs to stop focusing on you, and put all her efforts into rebuilding her relationship with her daughters. This woman will always be in your life; wedding, birthdays, graduations, grandkids, etc. At some point, you'll have to forgive her for your own sake, not her's... you will be bumping into each other for the rest of your lives. Tell her NC means NC. No more letters, no more cleaning the house when you're not home, not more leaving food in your fridge... it's not her home anymore.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 5:03 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]