SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ugh. What an awful feeling. Sorry in advance for the lengthy post.

My Backstory: Wife and I are both 50. Known each other since high school. Married straight out of college. Waited 6 years to have DD1 and another 2 for DD2. My wife has been a SAHM most of our marriage. We had a pretty rough patch when our daughters were young, a rough patch I attributed to stresses of raising 2 adventurous kids and the amount of time I had to be away from the family with my career. But things really turned around when our youngest made it to Junior High. We stopped fighting. Spent more time together, both as a family and as a couple. Sex life went from DOA to better than when we were newlyweds. Honestly, for the past 7 or 8 years, I could not have been happier with our relationship. And things just kept getting better. We travel, talk, participate in hobbies and just generally enjoy each other’s company.

Unfortunately, about a month ago, I was transferring some files (business documents, family photos, etc) off my wife’s old computer that hadn’t been used in years. While sorting through the photos, I ran across 2 pictures that seemed out of place. One showed my wife kissing some guy I vaguely recognized on the cheek at a party. The other showed her posing for a picture with the same guy in front of Rockefeller Plaza. Both pictures were from 1999.

I was fairly certain I had seen this guy before but just couldn’t place him. I was bothered by the apparent familiarity between them in the pictures. Seemed like more than just friends. So, I spent the next couple of weeks stewing about the situation and started doing the “how to tell if your spouse is cheating” searches on google. I actually found SI pretty early and read alot in the JFO forum.

I didn’t show the photos to my wife. Our relationship seems so bulletproof at this point, I didn’t want to seem like some kind of paranoid psycho, and honestly, I just couldn’t believe she would ever stray. But, it started to drive me crazy.

So, I decided to download a recovery tool and hunt for any additional pictures on that hard drive. And Presto...my life went to crap. 100s and 100s of photos, letters and saved emails.

She had an LTA with the guy in the original 2 pictures I found. The new pics range from posed photos of them around NY to the most x-rated images I have ever seen. She apparently did sexual things with him that we have never even discussed. Even worse, many of the x-rated images are clearly in our bedroom.

The letters/emails are worse. Lots of “I love you’s.” Plans for leaving me and his betrayed spouse. And the horrible, disrespectful things she wrote about me...How ugly I am. How stupid for not catching them. How horrible I am in bed. How his “equipment” was so much bigger, better, harder than mine. It goes on and on. She even complained about my job...the job that I killed myself working to support our family. The job that allowed her to stay at home with the kids.

Looking at those pictures and reading all of those pages was excruciating, but I did it...every damn one. They are definitely burned into my brain now. The pictures span about 8 years based on the file dates. The emails/letters a shorter period. Nothing after 2008.

So I have been slogging through this stuff over the past week. I haven’t said anything to her yet, but I am certain she can tell something is wrong. I don't even like to be in the same room with her at this point. She is clearly worried and keeps asking me if I am ok or if I need anything.

So my question is...what do I do now? Confront her with all of this evidence? Talk to a lawyer first? Just leave? I don’t even know if she is still having the affair. I am confused and feel perpetually dizzy and nauseated right now...like I can’t figure out which way is up. I don’t know if I can ever get over this. But, I can’t imagine my life and future without her. And what will my daughters think? I don’t want to hurt them by breaking up the family. It feels so surreal because 1 month ago I would have said I had the best relationship and most loving wife on the planet.

Take a deep breath and think about what you want.

as you reflect back you'll put more and more together.

Sorry man

I so hate that you are going through this. I am so sorry. You have my prayers. You have to confront her. You have to talk to her about what you found. She needs to know that you know the truth. You should present her the evidence so she cant lie. You need to hear in her own words on why. She needs to know that your relationship is now destroyed. She needs to know that your trust is gone.

You've done a good job on gathering your evidence so far. Don't blow your information now by confronting till you decide what you wan't to do as the damage is already done. Once you confront the ability to gather more info will be next to nil. The first thing to do is to talk to a GOOD lawyer...not saying you have to D. But you do need the knowledge for a worst case scenario for the state you live in. Take your time to decide what you want to do.

You will eventually need to tell the OM's wife...when depending on what your lawyer tells you.

See a lawyer before you confront.

Try to find out if the affair continued after 2008. Who is om, and is he still married? If so, inform obs.

VAR in car, home. Key logger on computer.

Poly with detailed questions just after confrontation.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:23 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

First you need to concentrate on yourself. your health and wellbeing is most important. Facing infidelity is traumatic and you need to deal with yourself first. Go and see a doctor if you need help, and probably look into some IC soon. There is some great info in the healing library on coping mechanisms and the way forward. Read and Read again.

Second you definitely need to see a lawyer, and see where you stand legally with seperation / divorce / finances etc so you can make an informed decision on what and how you want to proceed.

You also need to find out if the A is still going on. Gather as much evidence as you can, get all the ducks in a row so to speak. get a VAR in her car or access to her phone if you can. even look into hiring a PI.

Finally confront WS with your lawyers advice and contact OBS.

Sorry your going through this shitstorm. its one we've all weathered. Good Luck

I am fairly new here myself. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. The physical symptoms and emotional shock are so very difficult to deal with.If nothing else please just know that while you feel so alone with the pain there are countless thousands of us that understand exactly how bad it feels. Just when we need our learned coping skills the most they seem to vanish with the shock.

Hi AmbivalentOne. So sorry you find yourself here but you have come to the right place. Welcome to 60K of your new best friends and the best club that no one ever wants to join.

Deep breath OA. I'm going to hit you with a lot of information. I try to give as much up front as possible so that you can refer back to it later if you need to.

First the basics. Don't confront just yet. What do you know about her AP (affair partner)? Is he married? Contact info for the OBS (othe betrayed spouse)? etc. In my opinion, if you can, you need to let the OBS know what is going on before you confront your WW (wayward wife). By letting the OBS know right away you take away a card that some WWs try and hold over their BHs. "If you tell their spouse I'm divorcing you, never talking to you again, etc." You get the point. You take that option off the board. First off, this is not a revenge play by any means. It's common courtesy to let the OBS know what is going on in their relationshit. They have a right to know just as you do. Plus the OBS can often help you in some areas such as sharing info and keeping an eye on the AP. If you can, gather as much info on your WWs AP as possible and then share your evidence with the OBS.

Next, anyone that come through here and has to deal with an A should lawyer up. Regardless if you decide to R (reconcile), D (divorce), or even S (separate), they all come with different sets of laws in each and every state. Plus seeing a lawyer will take away some of the fear of the unknown. It really is an education lesson for you so that you know what your rights are and what to expect. This doesn't mean you have to file for D. This means you get to know all your options and make educated decisions going forward.

The A may or may not still be going on. It's tough to say. In my experience, and unfortunately I have a lot, dealing with a wayward is much like dealing with an addict. Without treatment, being open and honest, it's like white knuckling through sobriety. in other words, she is most likely still addicted to the A whether it's going on actively, if it's gone underground for a while, or if it's fizzled out. In my case my special wayward is still pining away for her AP 20+ years later. Long story there. Find out as much as you can about the A before confrontation.

When you confront, you may or may not want to have divorce papers in hand. When you confront, hand her printed evidence so that you don't leave her anywhere to go. You don't allow gaslighting or blame shifting. This is all 100% on your WW. Put the A squarely on her shoulders. There's no we were in a bad place, etc. Bullshit! An affair is all decisions on her part and not letting you know of any of those decisions. Definitely not a mistake either. Deliberate, conscious choices.

Gently here. You need to get yourself tested for STDs. Too many people come through here and find out they have something later. Please for your own health get yourself tested at the first opportunity you can regardless of everything else going on. And absolutely no relations with WW until she has been tested too.

Next up... the kids. It's great that you consider what's going on with them. However, and I can't stress this enough, you CANNOT let the kids decide if you get a D or not. If you know you are going to be miserable and can't stay in a healthy relationship long term, get out. THAT is my story. I'm not here as a BS (betrayed spouse). I'm here as a BC (betrayed child). My father tried to make it work for 6 years after dday. I grew up in a toxic environment where no one was happy. My father should have gotten out much sooner than he did. I have a whole other story there and is a big reason why I ended up here on SI.

Chances are your kids may know something even if you don't. I was the one that caught my mother and had to sit my father down on dday and tell him what was going on. My evidence was my mother's diary as this was 1989. Like you, I have all of the graphic details right down to how her AP tasted. I watched my father read that diary and I watched the life go out of him right there. I will never forget that look. But there were many signs before dday like phone calls, my mother being out at weird hours, etc. Chances are, if your WW was bold enough to have her AP in your house, your kids may have met him at some point not knowing what he really was. Your WW didn't just betray you, she betrayed the kids as well.

If you really want to help them, depending on their ages, you can get them into IC (independent counseling). For either direction. If you end up staying and R, they will need help in dealing with the fallout in your house even if they don't know about the A. Their environment going forward is forever changed. It's what you do with that environment is what matters. You can even call the school to let them know that there are issues at home and to get recommendations on child psychologists. Otherwise start looking for one now. It often can take months to get your kids in to see one. It's not something that can be done spur of the moment. This is also something you do with WW after confrontation as you should do this together regardless of what happens.

Sounds like you have started to do the 180 already. Good. I will have some links below that explain in more detail You should do the 180 for now in order for you to detach and get into a better head space so that you can make better decisions.

Consequences and not punishment. Your WW needs to face consequences of her actions. All of the above is a good way to start. Once you know what you are dealing with you can start to talk about getting finances and living arrangements in place should the situation go south. Another reason to have already seen a lawyer so that you can make those decisions.

NC (no contact). As soon as confrontation has taken place you should both send a no contact message together. By doing so this marks the place in time that she should have absolutely zero contact with her Ap going forward. If she does, you should have enforceable consequences for your WW. See links below for some suggestions.

That should be a good start for now. Here are some links to get you started. You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can start to use it. The 180 is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target threads here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with your WS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Calling all BSs...:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

Choosing an IC/MC:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948

So very sorry you are here OA. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.

yop

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to respond so quickly!

I will answer a few questions before bed:

I don't know who the OM is. He looks vaguely familiar but definitely isn't someone I have seen recently. I am going to look through our high school and college yearbooks and see if he is an old classmate.

My girls are in their 20s and in college. They are both tough and independent. I just don't want problems between wife and I to negatively affect their studies.

Based on your kind responses, I am going to visit a lawyer tomorrow. I have already researched local family lawyers specializing in divorce and have several recommendations.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. It is very difficult to think straight right now so any and all help is appreciated. I will try to check in again tomorrow, especially if I consult with a lawyer.

I am so sorry you are here and going through this ordeal. I think you should confront her asap but don't tell her all you know all at once. Good luck to you.

Sorry you are here, however you chose a forum with people who will give you great support and advice.

You have pretty much all the evidence of a full blown emotional and sexual affair over many years. It’s quite possible it has continued but with less intensity which undoubtedly does not absolve her of infidelity to any lesser degree.

Seek legal advice in order to know how you will approach and execute your plans (and this must be to you and your children’s advantage)

1.Confront once you have done lawyer consult. Don’t let her know how much you know and see how much she will admit. Her reluctance in being totally honest once you confront will be a good indication as to where she is in the affair. Remember you DON’T know if the affair is still ongoing, but do not indicate this when you confront.

2.You may want to consider DNA /paternity testing since there exists the possibility of OM being a father for either or both.

3.Expose to OBS if OM is married.

4.She needs to find a job since she plans on leaving you for him. You are not good enough for her and neither should your money or the lifestyle you have afforded her.

5."Even worse, many of the x-rated images are clearly in our bedroom". Have these pictures ready to put in front of her because she is going to deny that they were ever in your bedroom having sex. IMHO bringing OM into your house and into your bedroom is beyond the pale. What do you have left as a husand, as a father and as the owner and leader of your castle? She brought him there to undermine your wonership of her/the marriage the most intimate and private place that you only shared with her- your safe haven.

I'm really sorry you're here. That's a horrible story. Now that you have all the evidence, you need to confront her. There are lots of ways. Each person does it their own way. I would demand to know his name. If she doesn't answer, then tell her you're divorcing. Actually, given the disrespect she's shown you, divorcing is probably the best answer anyway. I'm really sorry to say that.

If you divorce, make sure your daughters know the truth. They deserve the truth and you deserve the truth to be told. Don't be the knight in shining armor that takes the blame. A lot of guys feel that way and it's a mistake. Your ww earned the names that you are going to call her. She earned the disrespect of her friends and family.

good luck friend.

Can you get a name or email address off of any of the recovered messages?

yop

I am so sorry you are here. As many people have stressed, you are not alone.

You have received some excellent advice.

I would like to just mention that you need to take care of yourself. YOP mentioned an STD test. That's a must.

Are you eating and sleeping? I doubt it. How is your anxiety and or depression? Suicidal thoughts?

See your Dr. about this stuff. If you can't eat, try protein shakes. You need a clear head to deal with this mess.

Speaking of a clear head, stay away from alcohol. You've probably dehydrated yourself enough as is. You also don't want to lose control at this point.

This is serious stuff. We've all been in your shoes.

Do you have anyone to confide in? A preacher, parent, friend? While you do have us here, it helps a lot to talk with friends. Some times you just need a hug.

Are you exercising any? Whenever the thoughts get to be too much, take a walk. It'll help clear your head and possibly help you sleep.

I've always been into taekwondo. Being able to kick someone or workout during this time for me was essential.

Whatever you do, take care of you. Post as much as you need to. If you have a question, ask it.

It may help the next person going through this.

We're pulling for you and I'm saying a prayer for you right now.

AmbivalentOne,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

We all know the feeling of shock, deep betrayal, fear, and anguish.

The depth of the lies is quite deep and the level of deceit is quite high here.

My XW did the same in disparaging me to her adultery partner.

It really is a deep stabbing in the back from the one who looked you in the eyes and vowed to be the one to never stab you in the back.

Like me, you have deep concern for how this all will affect your kids.

It is a good thing they are older - my oldest was 7 and the youngest was 10 weeks old when she started her "affair".

I was horrified at the prospect of them losing their family when they were so young.

But, in the end, there was no going back for me.

It was more important that I live my life authentically, held fast to the values I lived my life by, and show my sons that I refuse to live a lie for anyone's sake.

I would highly suggest you keep digging for as much evidence/information about your wife's affair as you can - specifically any evidence that can prove the length of time it happened.

Be sure to make copies and secure it all in a place only you know about.

Then consult with a few divorce attorneys to see about your rights should you decide to divorce.

Since you have been married for what appears to be at least 20+ years and your wife was a SAHM for around half of that, you could be on the hook for some serious alimony for a very long period of time - if not lifetime alimony.

The evidence that could show that she spent a significant amount of time in an extramarital affair during your marriage could potentially severely cut down the amount of alimony you might be held for.

Also, it is imperative that you know the following in your heart, mind, and soul:

Your wife's affair had/has nothing to do with you or your marriage - nothing.

Adultery/infidelity is not the result of a failed or bad marriage - it is the result of your wife's personal moral failure, weak-mind, weak-will, and lack of integrity and boundaries.

When the time comes to confront, as sure as the sun rises and sets, she WILL blame you and blame the marriage.

Nip that shit in the bud immediately - do not accept blame at all - ever.

There is no issue, no "rough-patch", no problem, or no thing about any marriage/relationship that renders an adult, married mother incapable from knowing fundamental right from wrong.

Your children are old enough to know the truth and need to see that their mothers behavior is absolutely un-acceptable.

You don't want them to EVER believe that they are responsible for other people betraying them.

Keep reading here and keep posting.

You will learn much and get great help.

I agree with Kept,

She will try to blame you. Don't let her. The cheating is all hers.

Let me give you an example.

Two guys were sitting together. One was clipping his fingernails. It was driving the other one nuts. The other guy told him repeatedly to stop, but the guy clipping his fingernails ignored him. After all, why should he stop? The one who was irritated got an axe and chopped the guy cutting his fingernails into pieces.

At trial, he said, "it's his fault, he was bugging me. I told him over and over to stop. but he wouldn't." The judge responds, "why didn't you move away?" Axe murderer: "I don't know."

you see? no matter what you did, or how you acted. The choice to cheat, and belittle you, and take pornographic pictures, were all hers. don't under any circumstances take the blame for her being a liar and a cheater. That's who she is. You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat.

I'm sorry you're here.

good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 11:13 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

This one was painful to read. I'm so sorry that you're going thru this.

You're on the right track. Go see your lawyer. And then the next advice I can give you is to come back here and listen to the collective advice that you'll get here. You won't get better anywhere else. These guys will guide you thru, and they will literally tell you the absolute best way to navigate thru this living hell.

Thank you again to all who have responded. The support is amazing. I have a meeting with a lawyer in a few hours. I don't even know what to expect.

YOP: Unfortunately they both appeared to use throwaway email accounts for their correspondence. His was an AOL account with only numbers in the address. Hers was Hotmail. I actually tried emailing his account and received notification that the email couldn't go through. I was amazed at how rarely either of them referred to the other by name in their writing. Maybe twice she refers to him as Michael.

I will also be setting up an appointment with my physician to get tested as so many have suggested.

I definitely have trouble sleeping. The pictures keep intruding on my thoughts. Its as though my brain has strung them all together into a movie that just keeps playing. Naturally worse when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep.

I haven't really had any appetite the last few days either. I think the protein shake idea is a good one. I will try that out.

I am forcing myself to drink lots of water, seen lots of people recommend that.

I am sure that divorcing would be a big hit financially. As a SAHM, she hasn't worked since our first daughter was born. She has a degree, but has never really used it. I was not aware that alimony could be mitigated by adultery.

Sorry if my answers seem disjointed. I just thought I would try to address some of your questions before I head off to the lawyer's office. I took the rest of the week off to try and get my head back on straight.

Thanks again for everyone's help.

This is a tough read. Some hard talks and harder decisions ahead.

You stated that the computer showed nothing after 2008. Did she stop using that device then? Think back, did she get a tablet or first smart phone in 2008? I would not jump to the conclusion that the affair ended then based on this. If you can, try searching her current devices.

Take care man, we are here for you.

There is no good way to learn about an affair, but the way that you learned is especially cruel. There is something cold and harsh knowing that the betrayal happened long ago, and your wife kept lying to you for all of these years.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time and space to process this.