SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry to hear about your situation.

A lawyer is a great first step. Knowing your rights and what to expect from a divorce is essential in your decision making process. Please make sure your lawyer is a good recommended 'men's lawyer'. If they start off with the 50/50 and alimony bull, then you'll know they aren't worth crap. Infidelity and the fact that she has a degree can be used as mitigating factors even in 'no-fault' states.

It's great that you're focusing on hydrating. That's very important. Food is optional; you can go a long time without it.

Like others have said, try to gather all of the info you can on the OM and on what happened. Take that info with you to the lawyer. Make sure you keep your copies; don't trust anyone else to keep copies for you.

Like others have said, sit your wayward down for the talk after you've determined your options and after you've decided if you want to R or you just want to D. Go over her possible answers and responses in your head. Play scenarios out in your mind and determine what your responses will be. Just like preparing for a football game. If the other team does this, then we will do that, etc. You can't over prepare for this situation.

Be smart, be calm, be cool. Don't jump in too quickly when she's talking. Ask her to clarify and explain further if you aren't sure what she's saying. Let her trail on but not rabbit trail. Gently keep her on point. In this way you'll allow her to dig her own grave or through honesty and true remorse, at least earn a little respect.

You're doing great so far given the situation and accompanying emotions. Don't underestimate yourself, you can make it through this.

What about more recent devices? Can you get access to her phone? Do you have access to cell phone records where maybe you could look for a number that you don't recognize. First name is a start. Maybe start looking on her cell phone for that under contacts but it could be listed under another's name. How far back can you see call records?

I'm sorry about the mind movies, anxiety, and the shit sandwich you are being forced to eat right now. This infidelity shit does cause PTSD.

I'll be honest, it's not going to be easy to overcome the mental images that you got to see. My father was never able to get through everything he read and saw either. However, it's not impossible and there is a therapy designed specifically to desensitize those images called EMDR. I have done a bit of EMDR myself and it did work for me in some areas, but doesn't always work for everyone. More on that later through as you need to get through investigation/confrontation first.

yop

Talking to a lawyer is great. Of course you're going to have to confront her at some point. The upside for you is you found this place. LISTEN to what these veterans tell you and they'll walk you through what you need to do and how you should handle everything. Please, I beg you, listen to them.

I see so many that don't. That say "not my WS. You don't know us." Then it turns out the consensus of the veterans here was right all along. They bat almost 1000 and have so much more experience than either you or even a local therapist you might find.

Keep posting and value the advice you get here because it's right about 99.99% of the time.

Hi AmbivalentOne-

I'm so sorry you're here.

You are getting a lot of advice. And you will continue to get a lot of advice. Some of it will conflict. You have to do what is best for you.

So I just want to encourage you to take care of yourself. Eat what you can. Drink water. Exercise really helped me when I had just found out. I walked around a lake near my house every day at least once. Sometimes at 3:00am in a blizzard because I just couldn't sleep. The walking/exercise helped clear my head and not feel like my hair was on fire. And speaking of sleep, Sometimes I took Nyquil to try to knock myself out. - It usually wore off around 2:00am and I'd wake up to jolting images of them. I don't recommend nyquil. :-)

What DID help with the unwanted images was a strategy I read in one of the suggested "must reads." Anytime I caught them in my head doing stuff, I'd make myself picture a big giant red stop sign. And I'd focus on that until it felt safe to relax. It helped. Some people wear a rubber band on the wrist and snap it when the mind movies start playing.

You don't have to decide anything about staying or going right away. Many therapists recommend waiting through a time period (some say six months, some say 90 days, etc.) before making any big decisions. Ultimately, though, your moral compass and values and beliefs are what guide you and that shouldn't change. Take the advice you get here and filter it through your core values and morals.

But I sure remember what it's like to wonder whether gravity was going to work or not the next day because I sure coulnd't count on anything anymore. - And if I was wrong about gravity, what else was I wrong about? What could I really count on? - Yourself. You can count on yourself and whatever higher power you subscribe to. So take care of yourself. And don't count on her or her actions for your healing. That doesn't mean you have to leave her or that it won't work out in the end, but counting on her or her actions for your healing is not a good idea.

You're not alone. We're here with you. And again, I'm so sorry you're here. It sucks.

[This message edited by Minnesota at 10:35 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

AO.

Your world is spinning and you want it to stop.

Your next job is to speak with a lawyer. You know this and I see that you have an appointment.

Once you speak with a lawyer your next job is to track down her boyfriend. YOU WILL NOT BE IN A POSITION OF EMPOWERMENT UNLESS YOU HIT FAST AND HARD.

Having divorce papers in hand once she comes running to you after you have exposed without her knowlege... well sir, that is the Golden Goose of infidelity. Right now she has all the power. She maintained that through deceit all of these years. You are about to take it back.

From hereon out YOU are going to be controlling your own destiny.

((AmbivalentOne)) I would imagine reading and seeing those horrible things has left you in a bit of shock.

Your wife kept those mementos, so the guy and the time they spent together is still in her heart. You deserve more than to be Plan B or Mr. Right For Right Now, and imo the work needed to turn that around is impractical.

You have to do what feels best to you, but I would strongly consider divorce.

For now, protect yourself. Have a story to tell her about why you're upset - potential health problems, maybe. It'll explain why you tear up when talking to or about the kids. Work issues wouldn't be that severe now that they're adults.

Have a voice activated recorder on you as well. Wayward spouses cannot be trusted. When you confront her, it's probably not going to go the way you envision. She might get furious. She might throw 10 years of insults in your face. She might call the police and claim abuse to get you out of the house or take all your money out of the bank.

Then again, she's had 18 years to rehearse her reaction to getting caught. Any way around it, you are in a dangerous situation, and need to watch your ass.

I'm sorry you're here. I'm extra sorry you had to see all that garbage. Whatever you choose to do, I wish the best for you AmbivalentOne. Let us know if you need anything.

Your wife hasn't really worked but does have a degree. Your kids are older now so she doesn't really need to be at home. There are some ways to come up with what she could be making if she were to work if you do end up in Divorce. I think once this all comes out, whether you try to Reconcile or you Divorce, I would recommend that she start working. That way if it doesn't work out she has some history of income and it would help you with maintenance. It will relieve you of some stress about the Divorce ruining you financially.

From what you have said it seems like this may have ended some time back so she will probably react with wanting to stay married. You don't need to decide anything at this time. Talk to the attorney and then after confronting your wife don't commit to anything. Divorce, reconciliation, separation, it should all be on the table. Figure out what you need and take your time.

BTW Have you checked your phone records? Do you have access to hers? If she is in contact with him still you will see the calls or texts. Do a little research and see if you can identify all of the numbers she has talked and texted with in the last several months. If one sticks out with an inordinate number and you don't know who it is then that is probably the OM.

Great recommendation.

Does she generally leave her phone laying around wide open? Can you "borrow" it to run Dr Fone on it?

DO NOT CONFRONT YET. IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL THAT YOU DO NOT CONFRONT YET.

You can info gather to your heart's content now. Once you confront anything you haven't found will be destroyed.

If she has a new email address can you search for those email addresses in her current email? She may have forwarded something.

Gmail auto-adds anyone you mail to your address book.

Take a printout of every Facebook friend that she has TODAY. If he is still in her life she may have him there.

Chances are for something to end suddenly he is married and got caught. (THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS EXPOSE!!!)

Go through her email deleted and sent items.

Find copies of credit card bills as far back as you can go.

Find copies of phone bills along with text #s as far back as you can go.

If he was at your house it means he must live closely. He is probably someone from a social circle or a parent of a child.

I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself here.

Given the time frame of A, your kids’ age, and OM looks vaguely familiar to you and was in your house , you should consider your kids’ friends’ fathers. Just a thought.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 11:26 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Is your wife on FB? Check her friends. He may be hiding in plain sight.

It’s so sad that her affair robbed your early marriage of what it could have been.

If you are going to divorce DO NOT expose now. You expose to stop the affair. If you don’t expose you have leverage, She will want to protect her reputation and maybe the OM. If you tell no one then that gives you leverage in getting good divorce terms. Don’t come out and overtly say give me this or I will tell everyone. That’s blackmail.

What you do is not tell anyone and make her want to keep you happy. Also don’t promise her that you will not tell anyone. Just imply that you’re not in the mood to tell anyone now and she will not want to change your mood. You can always expose after the divorce is final.

Also you’re in the unique position of starting off with overwhelming proof. I would monitor her means of communication (VAR in her car, etc.) Then I would do what I call a “soft confront.” By that I mean that you confront with things she can explain away (i.e. hold your proof).

This accomplishes two things: 1. You can see how much she lies. 2. You will get her honest current opinion of your marriage.

You could hear her tell her friend that she made a big mistake years ago. That she is afraid she will lose what turned out to be the love of her life (you). Or she can hear her say that she doesn’t care for you and is afraid of losing her lifestyle.

------------------------------------------

EDIT:

I was transferring some files (business documents, family photos, etc) off my wife’s old computer that hadn’t been used in years. While sorting through the photos, I ran across 2 pictures that seemed out of place. One showed my wife kissing some guy I vaguely recognized on the cheek at a party.

AmbivalentOne

After your methods of monitoring her communications are in place I would tell her the truth about the above (ONLY). DO NOT tell her what else you found. Show her the one picture and the truth about how you found it. That will explain your change in behavior. Then see what happens.

Many BS spill their guts showing all their cards. It feels good in their rage but all it does is allow the WS to make up a story that fits. It’s a huge favor to the WS to hit them with ALL your proof. For example if you found two hotel receipts tell them that you only found one.

In your case show her the photo of the cheek kiss and see what she has to say. Then show her the Rockefeller Plaza photo and see if her story changes.

If she doesn't know what cards you have then she may tell you things that you don't know. Let her tell her story and then say I know X is not true. Then ask her if she wants to revise her story. It will drive her crazy wondering how much you know. She will only tell you things if she's forced to. Not knowing what cards you have will force her to tell more.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:27 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

You are getting great advice. Sit on all of this and put a smile on your face to keep her off balance. When you are ready, confront with all of your evidence. DO NOT TELL HER WHERE IT ALL CAME FROM.(Print everything-keep the computer off site and secure,) Obtain the name of the OM, and immediately tell the OBS, if there is one. Now to the meat: Do you want a divorce? Your confrontation with her is going to tell all of that to you. I will make one blanket statement: You appear to be of my vintage, mid fifties to early sixties. I am in a practice wherein a third of our work is divorce related. My overall impression is that there are many more single women in our age bracket, than there are single men (I have heard that the pool of men available is shallow, the ones such as yourself coming out of long term marriages are snapped up quickly, the ones remaining are looking for a nurse or a purse). I have been made aware of this by several women who are in your wife's position, and have found the pool of available men, disappointing and fairly empty. My own SIL through her ignorance shipped her long term SO out of her life for greener pastures, only to discover, the pastures were astro-turf, and nobody was dumb enough to graze there. You, therefore, will be dealing from a position of power. She will likely freak out and hand you anything you want. Think carefully as to what your next move will be. Look at the threads of DoneGone, Spaceghost, Walloped to get varying views of the process, both R & D. I would tell your WW, that if it goes in the R direction, that it is all on her to earn you back.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 11:46 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Wow, horrible story and circumstance it's not bad enough that she cheated and had this LET but also that they used your busting your ass at work to facilitate the affair. Evil.

I like the suggestion of checking more recent devices and even using Dr fone on her phone. However, make sure that you produce, save and keep at least one copy of the evidence off campus where it is safely kept from her.

One question. Do you think the kids ever had any idea?

What you saw and read would destroy me. You can't under them. However, your healing can start with how you handle this situation

Keep us informed

BACKUP all of your proof asap. Off site under a phony name - someplace like OneDrive.

Your wife may be willing to accept a quick and extremely reasonable divorce settlement as a trade for not outing the details of her sordid actions.

I'm so sorry.

I agree with the tactic of eventual confrontation of dripping out those two pictures then taking a step back and assessing. You may get his name and probably a cover story.

With his name then you can safely expose to his wife before your wife knows. You’ll quickly find out if they have been talking behind the scenes if he contacts her.

Of course make sure you have your monitoring in place before that (something like teensafe)

This is such a tough place you are in. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I do not have any advise for you right now as I think our fellow friends on here have it covered. I just wanted to extend some sympathy towards what your situation is right now.

Know this...in time things will feel less messy.

Know this...lots of water sleep and fresh air are your friends!

Hang in there...

Ambivalent,

I am assuming the A ended, but it may be still going on.

Do you think that maybe your marriage started improving at the same time her affair ended (or at least seems like). Maybe your previous marriage problems has nothing to do with raising your kids, maybe were due to her infidelity. As you can read at SI, many WS have a very poor behavior at home (kids and Spouse) while on the Affair. What improved? She changed? You changed?

When/ if you confront her, I believe it worth to ask her the following questions:

If the A ended, who did it? She did? He did? If was her why did she did it? This is very important if you try to R as the answer will point tout if she is with you not because she loves you, but because OM didn’t left her wife you her. Maybe you were her plan B.

Ask for previous Affairs is always a must. As you now know cheaters lie. You must not believe a thing she says. If R is a good idea to ask her for a timeline that will be verify by a Poly test (the poly test is not leverage for its reliable but the pressure it puts on the WS to tell the truth)

Who knew? You will be surprised the support cheaters can have from toxic friends (family) based on their lies to justify their actions. The friends/family that knew needs to be gone for good, even if D or R, ASAP. No matter if they believed your WW lies, you don’t need to be surrounded of people that pretend to be your friends while having a bad opinion of you… real people don’t lie.

Ask her if you ever meet OM. You don’t know the Guy, but or maybe you do but don’t remember it. Cheaters try to hide the affair in the light, maybe he was at the same social circle, or another parent at your kids’ school, even being at your house for a BBQ, etc.

Inform / ask your kids if they knew. Don’t be afraid to tell your kids, maybe your kids already know. Maybe they already confronted your wife (maybe this is why the A ended). Seems unlikely but it had happened before, in most case the WS convince the kids that the BS is violent, will D, etc. remember that they were betrayed too.

Ask yourself why did she keep 2 photos? I bet she missed OM, these are memories (the ones that you found, she has kept ohers thing for sure)

Quick update. Long conversation with the Family Attorney. If I choose divorce, my state requires 1 year of separation prior to divorce proceedings. Lawyer recommended talking to my CPA and Financial Planner to compile a list of assets and determine which would be subject to division of property. Apparently, my situation is complicated by trust funds in mine and my daughters' names. I guess that will keep me busy for awhile.

I really appreciate the advice. I wouldn't have thought to go through our phone and credit card records without you guys. I also took several poster's advice and picked up 3 VARs on the way back from the Lawyer's office. Someone mentioned her car...anywhere else that would be a good place for a VAR?

I may use my insomnia to search through her ipad and phone tonight. She no longer uses a full fledged computer since she got her first ipad. I will look into this Dr. Fone thing too.

I honestly feel kind of bad about all of this cloak and dagger stuff. I have tried to be honest and upfront with her throughout our marriage. I know I am not perfect, but I don't lie. So hiding stuff and sneaking around behind her back is painful in its own way. I have no idea how she did it so successfully and for so long. Its like the entire marriage was a lie and I have no idea who my wife is.

Thanks again for everyone's input. It's nice having your collective experience to refer to.

I’m so sorry your are going through this right now. Do you remember her going to NYC back then? Also, hate to say it, but does the timing warrant DNA testing of your kids? Hopefully not.

Use the velcro to attach the VAR under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE

attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

Weightlifter

You have three VARs. Use two of them for the car. Swap one out with the other.

[no soliciting]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:44 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]