SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so so sorry to read your story. Every single story is heart breaking. You have found a great place to be and so many here will (and have been) offer great advice.

Drink water, lots of it. Drink protein shakes. Exercise.

I agree with other posters. Don't confront yet. Use the VARs you bought, get a key logger for her phone and ipad. Look at your phone records. You need to find out if this is still going on. I think the idea of the OM being one of your kid's friends father is possible. You need to find out as much as possible, so there is as little lying as possible when you confront. Your WW will only admit to what you can prove - and even then, she may deny even though the truth is right in front of her face.

One final thought. This is NOT your fault! You are not to blame for your WW cheating. Please don't wonder what you did/didn't do, don't second guess your love or worthiness. This A is all.on.her.

Peace and strength to you!

AO, your story (and the things she said about you to OM) were heartbreaking to read. As others have pointed about please don't confront until you get your ducks in a row. This will require a lot of constraint on your part.

As others have pointed out don't do anything until you run it by your attorney and this forum. Also, once you've confronted, DO NOT let your wife know about this forum. THIS IS FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE. She doesn't need to know your thoughts and advice you've been given.

Please take care of yourself. I know this is the LAST thing you ever thought would happen to you. The evidence you came across is devastating!!!

I know you feel like how in the world will you ever recover from this but trust me YOU WILL MY FRIEND!!!

Praying for you.

Your wife knows you well and will be able to tell that something is off. Instead of saying everything is fine, say that you feel bad and need to see a doctor (you're seeing one anyway for your test). Or think or a real problem at work and blow it out of proportion. You're worried about that.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:51 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

You've been given some spot-on tactics and advice that should keep you with the upper-hand. Stay calm, composed throughout. You got this.

Stevesn: She and a group of girlfriends went to NYC several times when my kids were younger. She stopped hanging around with them many years ago. I always thought they were a toxic influence.

Dropping out of that group definitely seemed to help our relationship.

W definitely can tell something is wrong. I told her I was feeling awful and that I would be sleeping in the guest room. There is no way I continue sleeping in that bed with those pictures flashing through my head. Seeing the Doctor next week.

I agree with Booyah as usual.

Look, get your ducks in a row, find out everything you need to know for your own sanity and do what you need to do.

This was a disgusting tenure for her. I don't care how good she is now, if she was capable of this, she is not who you thought she was.

She doesn't deserve you, dude, so you must be your first concern, even over your kids who are adults btw.

You are handling things well. Keep up the fight but she gave her best years sexually to another man while acting like your loyal wife and she did it in your bed.

As a result, you control the narrative and if you choose to dump her, then I will support you. If you choose to stay with her, then I may still support you but will you support yourself everytime you trigger ?

dont worry about what she thinks or doesn’t think. It’s probably best to have her a little on the defense.

Remember NEVER confront before finding as much proof as you can find. Double remember don’t you dare tell her about those pictures until you’ve given her atleast a week after the confrontation.

With that lawyer taken care of your next goal is to find out who he is! He has to be close if they were talking about leaving their spouses for each other.

It is so hard to discover something like this after life has been so good lately. If I were in your shoes, this is how I would confront when the time came. I would tell her to please have a seat and in a normal controlled voice, I would say, "Tell me about Michael. I already know about 90% but I would like you to tell me about you and Michael." Then I would just stop and wait. The look on her face and her next actions will tell you tons of information about the woman you married. I do wish you well.

As a SAHM, my places to meet men are restricted.

My guess is he is a teacher at one of the kids schools.

If it was a neighbor you would know. Parent of one of the kids...you would know.

Does she refer to his wife in a way of knowing the wife?

If it was a team coach you would know.

Did she ever work out at a gym?

Is it dark in the pictures? Thinking 1999-2008....wondering if they only met up in the evenings when you were out of town.

Look at your phone records....you will see quickly if the affair is continued.

Do you know how to look for hidden apps?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:11 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Oh...you can go through her friends list and randomly select friends of hers...search their friends with the name Michael and see if it pops up.

You can also google things you know about him. Michael, name of your town. Try your kids school names with Michael. Also try Michael, your town, name of gym your wife went to.

Good job being patient. Now you accosted her and at this time (as this may be most propbaly in the past) she will tell you who the POS is with the intention of reconciling with you. Get all the info and and you can do whatever you want. you were victimized when you first saw the stuff. donot get repeatedly victimized by reminiscing. it only harm you. Get in the anger/action phase to be proactive and looking after your interests

[This message edited by goalong at 10:59 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Ambivalent,

Sorry you find yourself here.....your situation is terrible.

Does your WW know you were digging around in her old computer transferring data?

If she does, it will not take her long to figure out what happened with you, since you have shared that she definitely knows something is wrong with you and now you are distancing yourself some.

Get your VAR’s placed ASAP.....she is very likely to reach out to the old group of friends she hung around with at the time that you mentioned, and possibly POSOM as well, once she figures out why you are upset.

You may be able to catch important details about the identity of POS and the details of the A as they try to get their stories straight and brainstorm what you might possible already know (I’m assuming here, based on your posts, that it seems the A has NOT been going on for awhile)

I went through her phone and ipad last night after she was asleep. We both know one another's passwords. I couldn't find anything incriminating. No weird emails, contacts or texts. Also opened all of her apps...someone mentioned fake apps. All seemed on the up and up.

She has never really been into social media. She has facebook and instagram apps, mostly to look at pictures our DDs post. I checked both apps and she hasn't posted anything to either in over a year. I don't use facebook/instagram, but I poked around in them with the help of google and couldn't find any unrecognized friends or messages. I even randomly selected some of the friends to see if there were any "Michael" friend of friends. The only one was a 10 yo grandchild...not a candidate for AP.

I looked through all of the phone bills I have kept...about 5 years worth. Almost all of the calls were to me, DDs, and 2 local friends. The frequency of calls has been pretty consistent. Every so often a random number would show up, but none of them ever repeated. I actually called a couple of those numbers and they were disconnected.

I placed the VARs last night. I will check them tomorrow night after she goes to sleep. I guess that is the only advantage to not sleeping.

Old credit card bills are next...

She really seems worried about me. Asking if she should call the doctor to get me an earlier appointment. She also has noticed that I am not eating. Trying to put on a pleasant face, but it is really hard to be around her right now.

Asking if she should call the doctor to get me an earlier appointment. She also has noticed that I am not eating. Trying to put on a pleasant face, but it is really hard to be around her right now.

Tell her you've made an appointment for yourself. She's playing doting wife. But remember, that might change once you confront. I'm sorry you're dealing with any of this, but you're doing great.

She really seems worried about me. Asking if she should call the doctor to get me an earlier appointment. She also has noticed that I am not eating.

AmbivalentOne

I can only imagine the stress you’re under trying to act normal after what you’ve seen and read. You may not get much on the VARS because she has no idea that you know something. Plus the affair may have been over for years.

At some point show her the two photos (NOTHING ELSE). This is what I call “kicking the ant nest.” It will get things in motion. Then you will not have to act as much. She will know that you’re upset with her and why you’re in the guest room.

Let her tell you that it was only an innocent kiss years ago and that you’re being ridiculous. Don’t dispute or argue with her. Just listen and continue to mope around no matter what she says. It should be easy to act depressed because you are. Then something may come up on the VARs.

Do not get mad and spill your guts. There’s something called trickle truth (TT) that you have probably already read about. You need to do that to her by telling her small bits of what you know over time. Tell her one thing then shut up, listen to what she has to say then check your VAR.

Never tell anyone about the VARS. Not your lawyer, not anyone. Only tell about the things you fond out if there was some other way you could have found out. Otherwise keep it to yourself.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:25 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Ambiv

You are doing great and you should follow through with all your plans to determine what she has or has not been up to recently.

Of course this is a devastating betrayal. If it is a deal breaker for you then that would be very understandable.

The only dimly lit bright side is that if your findings continue as they have been, it appears the A ended without her being forced to do so. Now it could have been him ending it instead of her, but if as she started behaving more like a loving wife at that time it could be she realized what she was doing was wrong and turned a corner in her mind. It could be why she dumped the toxic friends at that time as well.

Of course, the right thing would have been to admit it then, after ending it, and not hiding it. But eventually you will hear her thinking on this and why she hid it.

If you want it, it feels like she probably will be ALL IN for working hard at R, but you won’t know for sure until you confront. Of course something like this will take years to get thru and only if both parties are up for it.

I’m hoping for you that the VARs don’t show further recent betrayal prior to exposure. After you chose to expose, keep them in place so you can determine if she is all in with regards to wanting to commit to the R process.

Good luck.

I guess I am one of the few that would have told her already. The evidence you have is overwhelming. You could still do the things you are doing but she would be in full knowledge of why. Do you have an idea on when you will confront her?

I agree with the others in that it would be nice if the VARs reveal something.

However, after your round of searching last night I suspect this may have come to an end. Hindsight being 20/20....

Do you remember a period of time where it seemed like your WW was depressed or almost like she was grieving something... or someone? Or agitated more than normal like when an addict has their supply taken away? If so, that period of time may have been the end date and maybe you could focus in on records in that time frame?

Thinking out loud here...

Don't tip your cards just yet if you can avoid it.

Hang in there AO. We are still with you.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:27 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

From what you said, and didn't find, I'll bet the affair is done and in the past. This isn't certain, but if she' not used to diligently hiding things (she never needed to before) then she's out. If you find nothing from the VAR, then there probably is nothing anymore. You might want to decide when you believe that it's over.

Sometimes on SI, there is a tendency to want to burn the wayward spouse at the stake. No redemption. No possibility for restoration.

I don't believe she is playing the doting wife. I think is BEING the doting wife. She had an affair. That's bad. It sucks. It hurts. It hurts like crazy. It upends everything. But it sounds like it's been over for possibly almost 10 years. I'm not saying everything should be rosy and lilacs in Springtime, but I'm not here to burn anyone at the stake, either. You have work to do in your marriage to get through this. You can if you want to. You don't have to. But you can. If it was too much, and you can't be with her anymore, then you can D. YOU get to choose. I would suggest that might be too soon for you to make an informed decision about it. You've been traumatized and this is a kick in the nuts for sure.

IF I'm right and she has been out of the affair for so long, keep in mind that she has had YEARS to process and get "over" it. She is in a HUGELY different place than you. She won't understand what you're going through. Again, this is not a free pass or excuse for her, but to make you aware of a fact that you can't get around. - She will handle this differently than you on many fronts.

Ultimately, we don't know her. We don't know you, really besides this piece you've allowed us to see. We know the basic tendencies of wayward spouses, but every situation has their own spin and differences. We don't know your relationship and what you've invested in your relationship and what you want/need/etc.

Around here, we talk about trusting our guts. My gut was screaming at me for months before I listened to it. And then it started screaming at me again a month later when she started (or ramped up) her next affair. I learned to trust my gut. What does your gut say to you today? And I know it's hard to trust it right now because it let you down however many years ago. (but did it?- it told you that there was something wrong with those friends.) Anyway- what does your gut tell you now?

You've been dealt a severely shitty hand. No matter how you decide to walk through this, we're with you.

I just wanted to say that i am sorry for what you are going through...It just sucks to have to be a part of this club.

Try to be kind to yourself. Try to take care of yourself.

You have a mountain of evidence to know that she at the least had a long term affair in the past.

At the moment based on what you have written their does not seem to be anything obvious to believe that she is in one now. Of course the fun/not fun part is that one cannot know for absolute certainty.

I think its fine either way whether you keep digging or just work with what you have. You have plenty.

Consult with the attorney, figure out what the options are. Go from there. What you do with the information is yours to decide, but we here are good for a sound board for ideas.

After you know your options for attorney and maybe if you dig a bit more, or not..The big talk with your wife....Unless you decide to go with the torching the earth straight up Divorce. If you decide to go that route then i would wait till after you make that move to talk to her...If your not going that route. Then at some point your gonna have to talk to her....when your ready.

if you need support we are always here.