SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a great afternoon. Spent some time with an older neighbor working on his antique cars. We don't talk much but there is a great deal of comfort in just being in the garage with someone turning wrenches.

I believe someone asked about SIL's knowledge of the affair. WW says she told SIL several years after OM died. She has not told her parents.

WW divorced herself from the toxic friend group who enabled the affair. She says that she no longer interacts with those people.

Someone sort of obliquely brought up an excellent point. I have always managed our finances. If you had asked me last month, I would have told you that my wife wouldn't even know where I kept the financial records. Now, I have no idea what to believe. All of my business accounts, most of our family accounts and all of our properties are in my name only. She cannot manipulate those. However, we do have shared checking and money market accounts for day to day expenses. We also share two credit card accounts. Should I do anything about these accounts? Limit her access in some way? I assume there are legal limits to what I can do. I just want to guard against a nervous breakdown and unfettered/irresponsible spending to achieve some sort of retail therapy or even revenge (though I think the latter is unlikely). I will check with Lawyer/FP on Monday to get their recommendations. I assume that the formal separation process will address these concerns.

I know I haven't answered all of the many thoughtful questions presented. Realistically, I won't be able to. I just want everyone to realize that I am reading your posts and relying on the collective experience. I have also been reading some of the other terrible stories on this site. Helps me realize that, as many of you have noted, my story isn't unique. It is good to see BSs who seem happier many years afterwards, no matter whether they chose D or R.

If I remember corectly your Wife didnt cry when you confronted her. She was verry calm like when speaking with you.

Crocodile tears started only when sex came up.

Another important thing : she moves out of your House and where she goes??? She goes to her Sister-the woman who supported her during Affair and lied to you and your Daughters.

This woman is not R material.

Sorry for asking this OP but did you ever get your wife like OM did ?

You know anal sex,bdsm,role play,costume play,dirty talk and what else?

Trtoles - I don't think the sister knew anything about the A.

A1,

Is she honoring your request for no contact ?

What is your gameplan if she tries to come back ?

Not that it matters but why do you feel she was so calm during the early part of the confrontation. Lack of regret or being rehearsed ?

None-the-less, I hope she honors your request for space and separation. Glad you are keeping yourself busy

Trtoles

Other than maybe rock your boat then what’s the goal with such direct and specific sexual questions?

I asked because she did those things with OM. Why not her Husband

If my question is not proper I apologize. Mods can remove it.

AO so glad to hear you had a good afternoon.

Also good to hear that your DD's will be with you on Thanksgiving.

I think everyone here who has read your story (or took their time to offer advice) wants the same thing for you and that's for you to get to a place where you can be at peace with all of this. Not just one way to get there AO. Whether that place in your future is with your wife that is up to you.

One day at a time my friend.

t/j

Trtroles - you said:

If I remember corectly your Wife didnt cry when you confronted her. She was verry calm like when speaking with you.

Crocodile tears started only when sex came up.

Um, no, this is what A1 said about that:

When she read the emails, she fell apart. Uncontrollable sobbing. When you read about people wailing...that was what she was doing. I just kind of sat there. Stunned silence, I guess?

I eventually took her into our family room and laid her on the couch. She was effectively noncommunicative for over an hour. When she managed to pull it together, she said it was physically painful for her to imagine me reading those words. Knowing she was responsible for causing that pain made her want to scream.

Trtroles, you also said:

Sorry for asking this OP but did you ever get your wife like OM did ? You know anal sex,bdsm,role play,costume play,dirty talk and what else?

What is your agenda here? Is it to help A1 or to cause problems? Because it really look like you are trying to stir things up. It's not necessary, they are already stirred up. And it's just cruel.

Have you even posted your own story? Or are you just here to urge others toward D?

[This message edited by sudra at 6:42 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

I agree Booyah, we all need and want A1 to get to a place of peace.

Sudra, I get what you are saying to TRT but I don't think A1 needs any urging at this point. He's headed to D and perhaps can't get there soon enough because of the one year rule.

But, I can’t imagine my life and future without her

Looks like you are no longer ambivalent about this

A1, your sitch is really triggering a lot of us. I can barely stand to read it. Take care of yourself. Glad you are reaching out and not isolating.

Two aspects make this kind of unique. First, it looks like your W "did the work", and it sounds like she worked to build a relationship with you again after her AP died. A lot of say an A is a complete deal breaker. There are men here who thought that, and have reconciled with their WW. I found out for me it is a complete deal breaker.

There are signs that your wife really changed. I would have a hard time with her not ever coming clean. I can understand justifying not telling you to spare you the pain. That bet didn't pay off, and it may be worse.

The stuff she said about you is toxic, but is typical affair speak, as others have said. What really bothers me is this: she stole 20 years of your life with her deceit. During the affair and after. Would you have stayed? Would she have gotten to be a SAHM? I doubt it. You were kept in under false pretenses.

That aspect is not that rare here, but I couldn't handle hearing "I've been 'good' for X years so we should R." Well, it isn't "good" to lie by omission for 18 years. Every moment was a lie. Every memory will be tainted by you being deceived.

And the stuff about you being an idiot for not knowing? My self-respect would not allow me any R after that.

You shouldn't make any permanent decisions right now, but you should explore your options.

One thing, I would tell her to get a job. She's fired from SAHM. Forever. She really owes you about 20 years of working since you wouldn't have supported her if you knew the truth.

She wouldn't have left? Of course not, you and the OBS got the honor of paying for their affairs.

So sorry you are going through this. You'll be up and down the rollercoaster.

If you're wondering, I'm in my mid 50s and doing very well single.

I have forgiven my X, but I have been in permanent no contact status.

Just wanted to add that I am amazed at how well you are handling this ugly situation. Regardless of the responses that you are getting, it is obvious that your story stuck a chord with a lot of posters. Here's my perspective. Again, I'm not going to tell you to R or D, thats your decision. However, as you know, you have a very rough road ahead of your in terms of figuring out what to do. In terms of your wife's remorse, I believe it is way too early to say that she appears to be remorseful. As it stands, we still don't know if she is being completely honest about what happened during the affair, her motivations for the affair, and her motivations for staying with you. I believe that it is a great first step that she shared that information with you, but I still wouldn't label that as remorseful. Trtoles question as direct as it was (definitely could have been framed better), still is valid to me. Instead I think the question to ask is that before the affair and after, did your wife approach your relationship with the same enthusiasm she had during her affair? This could be both physically and emotionally.

In addition, the length of the affair doesn't sit well with me either. 10 years is a long time to be cheating. At that point, it was literally a parallel relationship to yours. Now do I think she would have left you? No, I don't. If she was going to leave, I think she would have left at some point. As ZaphodB stated, she was getting all of her needs met. She had you to raise a family with and him for excitement and sex. Personally, it more than likely the affair would have continued for a long time if the AP didn't die.

Another thing I don't agree with is the statement that she went to IC to help recommit to the marriage. It seems very obvious to me that her initial reasoning for going to IC was to help her heal after the death of her AP. Her possible "enlightenment" that she did significant damage to the marriage was a byproduct of her counseling, not the primary reason for her healing herself.

I do agree with Western that you do need to come up with a game plan. I'm not saying make a decision to R or D, but sooner or later your wife is going to want to come home. In that instance, you need to come up with some type of plan on how to handle that.

For me, your wife's actions would be a lot to accept. Two decades of lying on top of a very horrendous affair is a very tough pill to swallow. I think it is also sad that so many people in your life knew the truth about your marriage instead of you. Its sad that your wife was honest with so many other people than the person she was married to. Even though you would be the ultimate judge, I don't see how she would ever be able to make any of this right. I'm going to end with just keep doing what you are doing. You are handling this situation better than most, which is very commendable.

We also share two credit card accounts. Should I do anything about these accounts? Limit her access in some way? I assume there are legal limits to what I can do. I just want to guard against a nervous breakdown and unfettered/irresponsible spending to achieve some sort of retail therapy or even revenge (though I think the latter is unlikely).

A1,

Ask your lawyer about the shared accounts and credit cards. Standard advice is to close the joint credit card accounts or have your name removed from them, and withdraw 1/2 of shared money, but again your lawyer should advise you on this unless you are worried about her doing something before your consult.

Just a quick thought before lights out. I never noticed how much infidelity lurks in popular media...movies, tv shows, news, novels. I tried to watch some tv tonight and it seemed like every show centered on some sort of affair activity. Started to make me feel anxious and angry, so I just gave up. I may have to stick to sports for awhile.

I started the search for an apartment or townhouse for WW to move into. Plenty of reasonable options in a nearby town with a local college.

Several folks have suggested that she look for work and, after some thought, I tend to agree. While nothing is set in stone, she may need to support herself in the future. I have no idea how to suggest such a thing though. Maybe it could be written into the separation agreement? I guess that is another question for the Lawyer tomorrow.

The question about the credit and debits cards is also a lawyer question but the usual ‘de facto’ answer would be to put a spending limit on them, with that spending limit being above reasonable ‘normal’ use.

You basically want to limit her emptying out the accounts but don’t want to have her go to a court of law saying you threw her out in the cold.

If you have the cash I’d cancel the credit cards and leave $10k in the debit. (Obviously a better question for the lawyer)

In terms of her looking for work it’s a lawyer question. If she gets served papers and doesn’t realized that she may need to be self-sufficient, well, then that’s not your problem. It’s not your problem to lead her horse to water at this point.

You need to be focused on finding emotional terra firma

Let your lawyer direct you on all sep/div actions, including a place for her to stay.

I'd suggest telling her she needs to get a job. She may need to support herself, but I'd tell her that the SAHM gig was a con game with you as the chump.. so even with R, she needs to make a contribution. And you can bitch endlessly about the job.

AmbivalentOne,

I hear you about cheating on TV.

I have a good distraction for you if you get tired of sports.

Brian Regan. Stand up comedian. Never goes dirty with his comedy. No relationship topics. Just funny everyday humor. You can have a 9 year old and your pastor/priest in the room and both would be laughing. You may need a good laugh in the days to come.

Just YouTube Brian Regan "I walked on the Moon"

It's his act from the mid 1990's but totally holds up.

Good to hear you are feeling better