SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

GoldenR - unless you are a long standing member with a new username, I find this quite telling -

Please direct to me the thread where an entire family died tragically along with the OM/OW.

Unless the WS comes clean on their own for no self serving reason, isn't that really the case?

No, not really. My H did not come clean of his own accord. However, with time and a damn lot of hard work he became truly remorseful.

I agree Sanibelredfish, you are spot on. I don't know why some here feel that trashing other posters is somehow helpful to A1. If anything, infighting here serves to Chase people away.

Personally, I think many of our newer posters add valuable insight to this board.

SHARKMAN, you nailed it IMO

A1, I HOPE you post today and let us know how you are

At least half of the posts on this thread are really horrible. No I did not actually count but there are several pretty nasty posts here. This is not the SI that helped me when I first came.

Read what Bigger said, over and over. I've been on SI for seven years and I know that when he has something to say, it will be gold.

Do not listen to folks with their own pain and agenda getting in the way of their being able to give sound advice.

Whether to R is up to you. Your wife did the work years ago and seemed to have a good counselor, other than the advice to not disclose. Maybe she did initially go to deal with OM's death, but she ended up getting what most of us wish our WSs would get from IC.

You said initially that you were very happy with her before finding out about the A:

We had a pretty rough patch when our daughters were young, a rough patch I attributed to stresses of raising 2 adventurous kids and the amount of time I had to be away from the family with my career. But things really turned around when our youngest made it to Junior High. We stopped fighting. Spent more time together, both as a family and as a couple. Sex life went from DOA to better than when we were newlyweds. Honestly, for the past 7 or 8 years, I could not have been happier with our relationship. And things just kept getting better. We travel, talk, participate in hobbies and just generally enjoy each other’s company.

This is a remorseful spouse. It's a spouse who loves you. Yes, she had an affair, a long term affair. It seems to me that it was more or less like most affairs, except it was YOUR wife. My WS's affairs seem like the worst to me because it was MY husband.

The behavior of a WS is pretty predictable. They lie and they try to justify their affair. That's what she did. She said and did horrible and disrespectful things. And then the affair ended. Who cares how it ended? It did, she got counseling and became largely or even fully remorseful. My husband also said things about me, I have no doubt. And his affair ended when OW broke up with him and he confessed the affair. Was I second choice? Maybe, maybe not. But pretty soon, the fog lifted and I was no longer second choice. My WS knew he dodged a bullet when OW broke up with him. Sounds like your WS may feel the same way. That is just as valid assumption as many of the negative assumptions you are getting here.

This does NOT mean you have to R. It's up to you. I simply want to point out that you also do not have to D.

I'm sorry folks are jumping on you with the negativity. If you look, you will find that many of these folks are new or relatively new here, and many are still in a lot of pain. I've even found myself feeling good in the past when a BS gets on SI and immediately leaves his or her spouse - I'm not sure why but we BSs seem to get some glee out of seeing a WS lose their family due to their own actions. Space Ghost is a good example of this. There have been others. It's not good to cheer people toward divorce as if that were the only option.

Again, you do not have to decide anything immediately. R or D is up to you. Take care. Either way, this is hard to deal with.

Mementos aside, I know through first hand experience that grief counselling encourages visitations to the grave site. I don't think it is a question of whether she went or not, but whether she still does. Or does she simply send flowers as a remembrance? The counselling did not walk her through a process that would have led her to despise the POSOM. He was dead and a fixed loving memory to be dealt with by the two of them. She was in effect his widow. This is incredibly difficult for me, a stranger, to think about. I did not see the photos of read and reread the emails they shared. Strength to you

As for burning the bed? What about the bathroom they used? The kitchen where they ate after? He still walked the halls of your house after his death in your wife's memory, less and less with the passing of the years but there are a lot of triggers for her in that house that could be looked at as one large memento for an empty- nester life long SAHM.

Many here are coming from a place of betrayal and I get that, but please decide for yourself. Don't carry their betrayal into your M or dissolution of said M.

Great point, kgcolonel.

In other words AO, please don’t allow the rambling hyperbole, and unlikely doomsday scenarios, affect you and your decision. Take them with a grain of salt. However, as mentioned before, if you think something is credible, then by all means speak to your wife about it, if you choose to speak with her again.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:03 AM, November 20th (Monday)]

I appreciate nativeones thoughts and whether she did visit the grave or still is.

I also think A1's tactic to go no contact is a wise one.

Perhaps A1 can get a burner phone for a week and make and receive important calls from there. This way, she can't track what he's d doing regarding finances. Legalities etc

I agree with Bigger that its not a unique A, but not a common one also. WS when truly become remorseful they sees AP for what they are as predator or another person with Issues and hate their AP for A.

But is that the case here?

No one knows yet, Kannan. Only further data from his wife can help suss this out. On the other hand, if this is a deal breaker, then there is no need for AO to go any further.

What he doesn’t need at this moment is a bunch of runaway speculation regarding what his wife did, said, or felt, and what she still feels or thinks about the affair now. That will only serve to muddy the waters, and keep him in limbo longer. Only his wife can help AO learn his truth, if he chooses to consider moving forward with her. Further, AO can later change his mind if he cannot overcome the feelings provoked while learning his truth.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 12:25 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

The loving wife after the affair: remorse or guilt?

I tend to believe that a remorseful spouse would have disclosed the affair long before the discovery--over the advice of the IC.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:50 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

AO mentioned that one of his DD was mad. She may question HIS basic integrity if he chose R.

For example: ohfor's DD wants nothing to do with her mother.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 1:05 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

Hello everyone. Got back from church and so many responses! I actually haven't gotten through them all yet, but I thought I would answer a few of the more frequent questions.

She was not at our church today, but she may have gone to the earlier services. Several people asked where she was, but I tried to be evasive. Not sure it's anyone else's business right now.

How was I not suspicious during the affair? I would like to say she was just very good at hiding it. Honestly though, during a large chunk of that time, I was working 80-100 hours/week managing my businesses. Things were going well, but we were expanding rapidly and the buck stopped with me. So I was effectively on call 24 hours/day and traveling between multiple sites weekly. Someone could have parked an elephant in our back yard and I might not have noticed it.

Regarding the selling of house/burning of bed/remodeling of bedroom. My house is located on a piece of family land that I have no intention of selling. So, in it I will remain. But, I will never sleep in that bedroom or bed again. I plan on contacting a decorating firm next week and converting the current master into our guest/extra room. One of the other bedrooms will become the master I suppose.

At some point in the near future, I will probably have WW move her things out of the house. I believe that this separation is going to be important for my mental health over the next several months (at least). It's amazing how much calmer my mind has been since she left. I actually slept 10 hours last night...I don't think I have slept that long since I was a teenager. Appetite still isn't back but the protein bars will probably keep me alive.

Several have asked whether I think she would still be with OM had he not died. I don't know and I would guess that she doesn't know either. Life changed around us. Honestly, I don't really care at this point. What matters is the 9 years of cheating and lying that actually occurred. I suspect that alone may be too much for me to get over.

I am looking forward to heading back to the office tomorrow. There I can work on the type of problems I am much more adept at solving.

I have been strangely calm since I confronted her on Friday (seems longer ago than that). I didn't curse or call her names during the conversation. In fact, for much of her story, I couldn't seem to talk at all. I was becoming angry late last week but much of that building anger seems to have evaporated. I did talk to DDs again. Both of them are refusing to talk to WW. I asked them not to abandon her. She is their mother, and the only one they will ever have. Both of them have decided to come and visit me for Thanksgiving anyway. I am so grateful for their support. The holiday would have been very lonely with just me and the animals.

Thanks for the update. You are really handling this like a champ. I am glad your daughters are going to visit. That will help. If they ask questions, please tell them what you are comfortable but they are betrayed too and are in pain. Heal together. I am glad they are in your corner. You will need them

[This message edited by Western at 1:14 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

My post just prior centered around your daughter.

Sending you strength brother.

It really is a shit sandwich. I think you are handling this extremely well. In my personal opinion, bigger has given you some fantastic advice. Whatever direction you choose to go.

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:33 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

Our prayers are with you A1. My best advice is just to let some time pass. You have been dealt a hard blow and it will take a while to get back on your feet. Then you can start to decide what you want. Only you can walk in your shoes right now.

If the WW and the OM hadn’t left their families in mine years then the chances are they would never have left for a new life. Why would they? Their stable partners were providing them with a comfortable lifestyle while the affair provided the rush. All the bad mouthing would have continued as a justification for them to seek happiness. Because she lost him she had to go back to her backup plan.

Maybe she has found love with the plan b guy in the end. Only you can write this story now and so far you’ve been doing the right things.

A1 I am glad that you are doings better.

Thanksgiving with your Ds is great. Their support will make you feel better.

Just one thing, I think you did the rigth thing by telling them that they need to talk to their mom. This is the best for everybody. But you need to cinsider that your WW betrayed them Aldo, and as adultos they need to make their own choices.

Your Ds are going to ask alot of quetions, dont lie , they deserve to know the true.

Also to have a relation with their mom is totally Up to each one of them.you can share your pow but try not to force It. Maybe the relación with OM took time from them as children, maybe even use them or negleted them...your WW need to make amends with them and not you in her behalf.

I don’t think that wondering what would have happened had her boyfriend lived. There is only one person in the world who would even have close to a clue and there is literally no way she’ll even know the truth. She’s had many years to lie to herself, change, etc.

The best tact with freshly-betrayeds IMHO is to deal with knowns. AO needs these next three weeks to gain steady footing and to find terra firma. He has some difficult decisions in the next few months and by finding firm ground he’ll be optimally setup to make these decisions based on reason rather than emotion.

Focusing on separation so that he can steady himself is most fair to not only him but his wayward.

Your DDs have every right to be pissed at your WW. After all, she cheated on them as well for nearly 1/2 of their young lives. They also have the right to deal with it in their own way. It is great that they are supporting you, AO.