SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thread jacks. Dueling thread jacks. That can drive original posters away. It no longer becomes their thread.

A1, as an engineer you are well versed in getting inputs from a number of different sources. Stress testing of materials. Testing cycles. Normative values. You weigh and balance all of those against an expected and desired outcome.

My opinion is that you get that everything you get here is an opinion driven by poster's life experience and the lens through which they view things. It's input. Each opinion deserves its place in being accepted into the wide hopper of the funnel. As they travel down to the neck of the funnel you'll make your best judgement as to what "fits" for your situation. The information overload of opinions is like drinking from fire hose. It will distill down at the appropriate time by the time it reaches and passes through the neck of the funnel.

Peace to you and your family.

Analytical in these situations is helpful. It will keep your mind occupied. However, be aware that the IC will take you into your emotions deeply. As my IC said over and over, you have to "feel the feelings". It was very uncomfortable for me, but in the end was very important for my healing. Many men can't deal with it because of that, feelings are something we ignore. But in the end if you don't deal with them they will bite you in the ass eventually.

It is wise to prepare for any outcome, and then let it settle to see what you want that outcome to be. I have read your thread and I think, for the hell you have been thrown into, you are handling it admirably. No matter what your final decision is, you will be ok. Take your time, there is no rush. Some can work through a betrayal like this, for others its the end, but you get to decide and its your life so don't feel pushed into a decision. You will get positive support here no matter which way you eventually decide to go. As you can tell by the posts here there are those who push hard in both directions, and others that just want to support you in your decision. Just remember, your choice, your life. You live with the results, so, take your time..

I agree with Keenan and timelessloss. Very well said on their part. KEENAN MAKES very good points

thinking about you this morning.

hoping for space to think and feel all that crap that i'm sure is going on in your head and in your heart.

A1, bigger hit on this and I asked it. What is your game plan when she decides to come home ?

A1, read your story and as can be understood from so many posts by others, it has resonated with many of us. And the clear way you write your posts and how you can express yourself is a direct indicator of the intellectual and analytical level you are at. This is also helping you handle this terrible experience in a very rational manner, and, as you already mentioned, being aware of the fact that 2 x 2 is not equal to 4 in infidelity is another strength you have. Many have written their views on whether you should go for a D or R - you will probably know which one you want when time comes. Deciding on the separation, talking to a lawyer, planning your next move and putting thought into possible scenarios and their outcomes under the shadow of such a horrible past that was hidden from you, I am sure you will come out happy on the other end whatever it will be. I am an academician in an engineering discipline and the way you handled your case did resonate with me, wanted to post my own thought here and let you know that there is one more guy out there sending his support and good wishes.

Your story literally brought tears to my eyes and that doesn't happen often. I'm so sorry for you but at the same time, I'm happy for you that you didn't have to experience the pain of TT that I and many others went through.

Your decisions and actions so far are right on target. Separation will help you immensely in healing and clearing your head. I agree also that preparing for multiple outcomes is the best course of action. You are doing everything right so far and have been since the beginning of your journey. You're doing great even though it may not feel like it.

Being analytical about this is the best way to move forward right now. You can get 'touchy-feely' down the road but right now keeping busy and keeping a level head will speed your healing. Don't be surprised when at some point after the dust settles the emotions hit you with a vengeance. A delayed reaction is not unusual and is actually a blessing sometimes.

I too, after the affair saw every hint of affair activity on video and TV. I'm still amazed at how prevalent it is and how I never noticed it before and even thought it was funny prior to being betrayed. Now I can't handle seeing it and just turn it off.

I encouraged my now ex to find a job after her betrayal and helped her get started with an apartment. She betrayed our family but I felt it was the right thing for me to do. As I couldn't bring myself to R with her, it helped her to be prepared for life after divorce.

There's no such thing as approaching this situation too analytically when your world has been upended. You're correct that separation doesn't mean divorce. You're also correct to use it as a time to heal and decide later if you want to make it permanent. You have time on your side. Take your time making any life-changing decisions.

In the interim, do the things that you love to do. Take up that hobby that you've been putting off. Spend time with friends and family. Change your routine up a little and enjoy the life that you have. You have a couple great kids who obviously care a lot about you. Let them know how appreciative you are that they're there for you. Your life is your own to do with what you want. Have fun; be a little bit adventurous; enhance your friendships. Make your life greater than it was before.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:22 AM, November 20th (Monday)]

Let's all stay on track with our comments. Thread jacking is unnecessary. Please keep in mind the goal is to support AmbivalentOne. If you cannot post respectfully, then stay off this thread.

A1, I think you're doing great. Do what is right for you.

And take care - this is hard and painful.

A1, do you think she may try and stop by this week when the kids are in town ? Or if the kids want to check in on her, they know to do it elsewhere ?

A1-

This is a hard roller coaster to tolerate and you seem to be holding up and making good decisions. When it comes time for long term decisions, your integrity and common sense and self awareness will be assets. You're getting a lot of opinions and "what you should do's" here. Some are good ideas and some aren't- This is YOUR roller coaster, and there are no decisions that don't have consequences. You decide which opinions and "should do's" match your set of values hopes and expectations for the future.

However you decide to roll, we're with you.

My advice-

Separate, learn to forgive, get a D and move on to find someone who will enjoy your "less than appealing" physical attributes. with all the physical evidence you have uncovered, you will be putting yourself in emotional prison with so many visions & triggers .... I mean you gonna live in the same house, so you might as well make memories with someone else. Your kids are old and not dependent on their mother anymore. Give her what she wanted ... she wanted to leave you, find a "better" lover and get on with life. So let her have it. You actually do deserve sooooo much better.

Take it from someone who has been there... it may hurt like a b...ch but there is life after this even at 50. Seriously, you have oodles of time on your hands. Dont spend it on R withsomeone who gave herself to someone else way more than to you.

The only way to truly forgive I feel, is to remove yourself from the devious lying person. She will always be part of your daughers lives but soon she will be a non-entity in yours. you will not need her nor will you desire her. The bitterness will turn to sweetness one day.

Your ex will regret what she did, but she chose to make the choice.. for so many years as well. You were second best for so long and only became number 1 by default at best.

As a Christian, I would advise to drown yourself in knowing Him better. become the man He wans you to be. Soon enough your life will unfold in front of you full of joy and hope.

AO,

Sorry for what you are going through. This is going to be hard because of the way the A ended for your WW. If she had ended it in some conventional way that would be one thing but instead he is frozen there as he was in mid-Affair as some dream guy. Hard I know but maybe the packet from the therapist will help there. Have you looked at it yet? I am assuming that what is there was written back then and not recently. You have the benefit of seeing her thoughts during that time which is really invaluable. I am sure some of it will be painful to read and maybe it was written for your eventual consumption so it may be self-serving but I think there is a shot that what is there will lead you to what you need to do. Good luck.

AO,

First, you are handling this amazingly well. Please continue to drink plenty of water and take care of yourself. And ignore the noise on this board - I believe the saying is "Take what you need and leave the rest."

Life teaches us that decisive action is better than no action and you are doing just that. Protecting yourself and your kids. Giving yourself the best chance to heal.

Good luck with getting the separation in place and figuring out what you want to do. We are here to listen if you want. You certainly have a shitload of (sorry, I know no other word to describe this) evilness to sort through.

You are going to get mad. You are going to question yourself. You are going to feel a million things and it will almost entirely suck. But you will get through it. Keep your head up and realize that you are not the vile and soulless things she said.

And whether you R or D, know that you can do so much better than someone who would ever think/write/say that about you, affair or no affair. You sir, are a gem! And you can indeed forgive and decide that you want to D. You are not obligated to divorce or reconcile with her should you decide to forgive.

May God give you strength to heal and bless your life moving forward.

If there is one question to ask that may help you determine whether to R or D, it is to ask her what does think and feel about the OM today. You should have her write that answer out so you can it in writing and not have your mind try twist the answer one way or another.

If that answer doesn't sound anything like "I absolutely loathe that OM and what I did with him." Then R is going to very, VERY hard to do.

Wow I read your first post and wow. It may have been one of the worst I have read. The worst part for your Wife is she met and fell in love with the love of her life while being married to you. The fact that he died so tragically must have been hard for her.

Plans for leaving me and his betrayed spouse.

Now this is the bad part. These things she wrote about you are just so bad I don't know what to say. What do you think you did in your life that would make her want to write the following things about you:

...How ugly I am.

...How horrible I am in bed.

...How his “equipment” was so much bigger, better, harder than mine.

I also think that the below quote kind of shows why she is with you. Your job enabled her to have every day for years to screw the man of her dreams.

She even complained about my job...the job that I killed myself working to support our family. The job that allowed her to stay at home with the kids.

One thing I want you to think of though is that you deserve better. I hope you come out of this whole no matter what path you choose. You must be a very strong man. I am in IT also and I can tell you some of the things I found out with my skill would have been better if I had not found out.

I am guessing she and the OM were going to leave both of you and were probably going to live off of child support and alimony to do that. I could not read those things and even talk to her again.

Did your wife admit that he was the love of her life? If not I would not believe a word that she says about anything. Have you gotten better looking with a larger penis since she wrote that? Man that post was just so hard to read. I know I am not helping but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you are going though. Like I said you deserve better. She did some very cruel things to your marriage.

A1,

If you haven’t read the poster above this post’s thread then you should immediately go do so. It’s an inspiration.

To carryout this affair so long without seemingly no guilt. I am wondering whether justification/animosity towards BH was developed (probably with the cunning guidance of POS) citing her being forced to be a SAHM despite having a degree.

I agree with Sharkman.

And yes, Spaceghost is an icon. And he is spot on.

A1, if you even consider R, I think you should consider whether you can get over what she did and the fact that you were obviously a fall back option while you killed yourself at work and she took the benefit of being a SAHM to take that time and have a fierce affair with a scumbag

I other words, don't rush to R. I wouldn't R myself after such a betrayal. Your decision but there are better fish in the sea, fish that didn't bite you. Just saying

Oh wow…

I don’t get it why people think it’s so important to hammer AO about how hopeless his situation is if he even had the slightest wish to reconcile, how vile his wife is, how dire his situation is and how extremely bad this affair was.

I guess these people don’t remember SWAT. OK – he ended up divorcing his wife after attempting R, but she posted on the wayward forum and I don’t think anyone doubted her remorse or commitment. They stayed close after the divorce, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a way to reconnect their lives in peace. They both survived infidelity.

Or Walloped, a regular and dearly valued poster. His wife did pretty nasty stuff, yet he seems capable of slowly rebuilding his marriage. It’s hard going but I recall him sharing that he doesn’t regret putting in the effort.

Or Wifehad5. His name more-or-less says it all. An angel of a man who is a major moderator and contributor on this site. His wife is the hostess in Fun and Games and a guiding light in the bravest of all forums here on SI – the Wayward forum. That is a couple I would want to meet at some GTG.

I’m not even going to mention the founding couple of this site – a reconciled couple. Nor am I going to suggest the doubters consider the Wayward forum and see the courageous “immoral, can never be forgiven, can’t change” wayward members that are guiding new posters that are probably even more screwed up than the new posters in JFO. [Please! If you do go there then only read. Don’t post!]

I could roll of maybe 10 other names with situations that were extremely tough. Some reconciled, some divorced. All survived infidelity.

AO – If you want to reconcile you can. If you want to divorce you can. Both options are open for you and right now it’s maybe too early for you to commit fully to one or the other. Take your time and find out what is best for you. People have divorced from what one might consider less than you are dealing with, and people have reconciled from what one might consider worse.

What WE think of your situation isn’t relevant. What is relevant is what you want, what you are willing to do and how you plan to get there.