SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think it is a stretch to say “anyone” can R. Additionally, extrapolating from case-to-case is fraught with pitfalls due to the unique circumstances of each BS, M, family, and A. For example, would Walloped have been as willing to try R if his circumstances were different? (Sorry Walloped, don’t mean to pick on you, I’m just more familiar with your story.) What if his youngest was away at college and it was an empty nest with just the two of them? How about if his WW reapeatedly had sex in their house/bed? Lastly, what if he found out she badmouthed Walloped to her AP like he requested? What if she had done all of these things like a certain someone’s WW? It is impossible to know what Walloped would have done because those weren’t his circumstances so they weren’t part of his decision making process. Because R is right for some does not mean everyone should take a crack at it. Likewise, the “off with her head” approach is pretty ridiculous too.

Let’s let A1 walk his own road and support him whatever he decides. He seems like a pretty reasonable guy to me.

AO – If you want to reconcile you can. If you want to divorce you can. Both options are open for you and right now it’s maybe too early for you to commit fully to one or the other. Take your time and find out what is best for you. People have divorced from what one might consider less than you are dealing with, and people have reconciled from what one might consider worse.

What WE think of your situation isn’t relevant. What is relevant is what you want, what you are willing to do and how you plan to get there.

I want to second what Bigger said. When people keep hammering you about how they think you should proceed, read what Bigger said above. It's going to be okay. YOU are going to be okay.

(((hugs)))

Well said Bigger. spot on as usual

A1

We've all been projecting a lot, me included. We've seen some horrific things in real life and here. Let's not bog you down with telling you your story is the worst ever. We veterans can all recall something pretty bad here. From the woman with 19 oms to the guy who raised another's child for 3 years to the guy whose wife called him on the phone in Iraq at the height of the war to let him know of a ten year old affair. It goes on and on.

So for now, take a deep breath. Go to the I can relate board and see the thread on long term affairs and for those who found out years later. Both have lots of good info. Take everything you can from the healing library. The stuff on here is very pragmatic. Take what you can and leave the rest.

There are very good and well meaning people on here who will help you any way they can. But you owe no one an explanation. Please know that.

Listen to your lawyer, your counselor, your family, even your wife. And do what you need for you. Right now, nothing is permanent, or set in stone. Go with your gut.

In the meantime, we (including me I guess) will stop circling like sharks and let matters run the course. Come here for advice when you want. We are here when you need us. Be well.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

AO – If you want to reconcile you can. If you want to divorce you can. Both options are open for you and right now it’s maybe too early for you to commit fully to one or the other. Take your time and find out what is best for you. People have divorced from what one might consider less than you are dealing with, and people have reconciled from what one might consider worse.

What WE think of your situation isn’t relevant. What is relevant is what you want, what you are willing to do and how you plan to get there.

Hear, hear, Bigger!

AO -

As has been stated before, please ignore the speculative hyperbole regarding your situation. Whether intended, or not, it generally tends to incite, rather than dispassionately inform, thereby muddying the waters. You can always suss out these potentialities later on, should you chose to do so.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 7:30 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

I agree with Bigger, there is nothing to be gained from bashing AO's WW. He has to decide what is right for him. Yes, SpaceGhost is an icon here, but that isn't because he decided to D, it is because he decided what was right for him and decisively followed through. That does not mean that Divorce is right for everyone.

AO has the right to decide what is right for him, and he deserves the space and time to determine what that will look like. There is no right or wrong choice. Each BS needs encouragement, and support, and SI is very good at that. Its ok to express your opinion on the situation, its also ok to disagree. The most important thing for AO is to be able to take his time, and decide what is best for him.

If he wants to forgive her he should. I don’t disagree with any of that.

But we have a spouse that cheated on this guy for years. She also did not have to work all those years. Since she didn’t have to work she had time to repeatedly have sex with another man. And then disrespect this man. Had sex in his own home with another man. Not to mention bad mouthing his looks, bed prowess and penis size.

Some of us want to voice our support in him dumping her. Plenty are coming to her defense I guess but I am not one of them. We have different views and I don’t see anything wrong with letting him hear both sides.

Maybe the OP should not have mentioned what she wrote in her emails. But if I were him I wouldn’t ignore it. I think it is pretty clear the OM who died was the love of her life. I have no doubt and don’t think he should ignore it.

Thanks everyone. I’m sorry if my story has upset folks and caused strife on the JFO forum. I appreciate each contributor taking the time to read about my situation and comment.

Today was a therapeutically busy day at the office. Maybe it’s just escapism, but it felt good to tackle problems in my field of expertise. I did make a short list of potential counselors based on recommendations by friends and internet reviews. I will start calling around tomorrow.

Lawyer asked for and received (with my permission of course) an executive summary of my personal and business finances from the CPA. Hopefully that will allow him to make some projections on how the financial side would shake out if we eventually divorced. Some of the comments (Bigger’s perhaps?) really worried me. I assumed that my businesses would be safe, but now I’m not so sure. I would hate to lose everything I have worked so hard to build in the last 2 decades on top of losing my wife and marriage. That would definitely be the poop icing on top of the poop cake.

This whole process just sucks. Everything about it seems so ridiculously unfair. Life was great a month ago. Now I feel like I just got buried by a tsunami of crap. I actually feel ok when I am doing or thinking about something else. Probably why I keep careening from one new task to the next.

Sorry to ramble. Gotta go eat my before bed protein bar. Yum. Night all.

Not taking a position here. R or D is not mine to call.

But I will state that the “love of my life” that I adored with every fiber of my being is NOT my current husband. I was CRAZY about him. But he left me for another. I have not seen him in decades. Probably wouldn’t recognize him on the street.

I adore my non- cheating DH and wouldn’t trade him for my ex love ever. I know it’s not the same thing- but maybe OP’s wife feels like I do - that she really loves what she has now. Or maybe not. Not my call.

I appreciate each contributor taking the time to read about my situation and comment.

Seems like A1 is not too upset by the various opinions being posted.

Just because you do not file does not mean she will not at some point in the future.

She appears to have hated you for about ten years. Maybe next time she won't cheat, she will just file.

There are a lot of people who are going to blow sunshine up your tailpipe. I assure you nothing will be easy.

For you to have any chance to R your wife needs empathy. Without it the failure rate is exceedingly high.

Empathy is understanding how you feel. How everything is impacting you. Remorse is part of empathy.

At some point your wife will either write you a long emotional letter or email. It will sound great.

However, before you react do two things. Count how many times the word I is used versus the word you. A spouse with regret will overwhelming use I more than you. A spouse in remorse does the opposite.

Also get two highlighters. Use one color for parts about you and your feelings and the other color for her and her feelings. This will also tell you if she has remorse or not.

Overall you are doing great, better than most.

Thanks for the update, AO. You seem to be okay.

In any event, I’m glad to hear that you sent the asset list to your lawyer. They will let you know which are marital, and those that aren’t, based on your state laws and particular ways you set up your companies (e.g., time when the companies were established, LLPs, stockholders in corporations, prenups, etc.).

Your fact pattern hasn’t caused strife other than some persons more or less advocating that you must dump her. For example:

Some of us want to voice our support in him dumping her.

I think it is pretty clear the OM who died was the love of her life. I have no doubt and don’t think he should ignore it.

These persons have no clue whether the OM is the love of your wife’s life, or not. But really, how can they? They are not your wife, although they persist on pretending, or delusionally thinking, that they are. They have no clue what your wife thought then, or thinks now.

As such, I hope you ignore these comments for the time being. It’s not that these comments don’t have value, it’s that they are built upon missing, and/or incomplete data; and that data comes from your wife.

I’m not advocating that you D or R. I am advocating that at this present juncture you focus on yourself, learn about your rights and obligations under divorce if it does occur, and obtain some IC or good friend to talk to about this outside of this forum.

Further, I am advocating that you dismiss the “you must x,” “you are plan-B,” “the OM was the love of her life,” comments , and the like. As mentioned before, you can broach these subjects with your wife if you decide to entertain R. Further, as was stated before, you can always decide to D later if you determine the feelings and thoughts provoked by these discussions is too much for you.

The ball is in your court. The best that you can, try not to allow the emotional hyperbole, and projection, found on this board influence what is likely one of the most important decisions you are going to have to make in your life.

Strength, my good sir!

[This message edited by Drumstick at 12:17 AM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

This whole process just sucks. Everything about it seems so ridiculously unfair. Life was great a month ago. Now I feel like I just got buried by a tsunami of crap. I actually feel ok when I am doing or thinking about something else. Probably why I keep careening from one new task to the next.

Sorry to ramble. Gotta go eat my before bed protein bar. Yum. Night all.

You really are doing great.

The reason you feel great when doing things is twofold

1. Empowerment. She took power from you through the abuse pattern known as infidelity. You doing things exhibits power. You’re building yourself back up one task at a time.

2. Steadying. You were knocked for a loop and need balance. That’s also why work is appreciated for you. You ever see someone in a car wreck in a state of shock? The cops talk to them clearly and definitively. It helps you establish terra firma.

I don’t think you’ll lose the business for any reason other than being negligent at this point so please do check with the lawyers on this. It’s very important that you take their legal advice above emotion at this point in time. You have a year of required separation where you can loop in other factors.

Do you have any family on your side that you can talk to?

[This message edited by Sharkman at 5:00 AM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

A1,

Unlike another poster suggested, I never recall anyone saying your situation is hopeless. In fact, I think you have the entire world at your fingertips. Everyone here does. I also do not feel you are being 'hammered'.

However, unless countless people who seem to be leading you to reconciliation or defend your wife, I can't. I simply do not feel based on the depth of this affair that it is a feasible option but again, that is your decision.

The only thing I am suggesting is to look into the future as much as you look into your past and see what you can handle and what you don't think you can.

It is my opinion that you are an extremely intelligent person who has a lot of interests and great family elsewhere.

Everyone is saying 'take your time'. I am not sure why that needs to keep being reinforced because that is exactly what you are doing though under the circumstances, you are not required to

I agree Ramius and SG

Hi A1

It is a special kind of hell when you find out many years later, after the fact!

In the 'I can relate' forum there is a thread devoted to 'those who found out later' going back many years, with their stories.

My spouse 'fell in love' and betrayed me 30 years ago. I only just found out 3 years ago. It has taken me these last 3 years to start to feel good about myself again, and accept my space.

It sounds as if your spouse has at least been remorseful in that she prepared an envelope for you. Compared to my WS, there are just too many unanswered questions, still today.

I just want to say that I feel your pain.

There is a lot of advice coming at you from all directions - please take what is meaningful to you and pass over the rest.

Each of us has to live in the future with whatever decision we make today. (Even though our spouses never thought about the future or consequences.)

Strength to you, buddy!!

A1, no-one needs to tell you what kind of situation you're in.

You can D which will be a struggle.

You also have a chance at R, which may even be harder.

One thing you have going for you is that it seems as if you know the truth and she's been trying to make it up to you.

9 years of infidelity is hard to swallow.

You have to be asking yourself, what part of my life wasn't a lie?

I'm glad your able to take your time, but I don't envy your choices.

People seem to automatically assume that the choice for divorce lies entirely with OP alone. We don't know yet if the WW is ready to move heaven and earth and some more to save this marriage. All her actions post the A has been only to assuage her own guilt in the relatively calmer environment of AO not expecting anything other than her being a "normal" wife rather than the humble, contrite WW.

In the first post we see AO describing how the marriage was so happy after a rough patch earlier, but we still need to know who made the actual effort to turn it all around.

As things stand his WW has only shown her remorse and described her unilateral efforts to make up for her transgressions.

Now AO hasn't yet told us if all these years has he noticed a phenomenal change in her that corroborates with her claim that she has been trying to make up for what she had done.

And it is up to AO to say if such a phenomenal change (if there was one) in her actions had in fact been out of the world to even be called some sort of a compensation.

AO: Tell us if there was in fact a great change in her in the period post A. Was she more considerate about your feelings, devoted to the family, humble during arguments, etc., when you were unaware of all this? That should tell you if she has in fact put in some real work thus far and if she can in fact build on it further.

And if you think you want to give her a second chance for whatever reason (if i were you, i won't), do you think she can do even better? And is she even willing to do even better?

[This message edited by hadji at 8:08 AM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

AO, you mentioned at one point you were working 80-100 hr weeks and traveling for work taking care of your businesses.

What has your work schedule looked like over the past eight yrs, and more importantly what has your wife been doing with her time? She still doesn't work, correct? Kids are out of the house as well. Do you have any idea how she spends her time?