SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is not in response to a specific incident in my life or an on-going thread elsewhere. It's just a general discussion question, one that I think is pertinent to both betrayed and wayward spouses and to both men and women.

I have seen numerous comments on SI about men behaving a certain way and women members often chime in, saying that it's a controlling behavior. In some of these threads, I interpret the men's behavior not as controlling, but rather indicative of a mental health problem (like depression and anxiety). But, others see it differently.

I am interested in starting a discussion about what it means to you for a husband to be controlling of a wife (does it go the other way too? If so, let's talk about that too). My wife has accused me of being controlling, in part because I expressed displeasure at some of the things that she did.

Specifically, I didn't like it when she would go out with her friends on consecutive evenings. I have (had?) a big problem with anxiety, so when she'd go out... I wouldn't sleep until she got home (before D-day, I wasn't worried that she was cheating; I was worried that she'd get murdered). I don't handle multiple nights without sleep very well, so it was very hard on me when she went out night after night. This is not something that she did often, but she is way more social than me and she really tries to go out with her friends as often as possible (maybe 2 or 3 nights a month). Occasionally, this would mean consecutive evenings.

I think that my wife has (or had?) other complaints about my "controlling" behavior too, but this is the only example (i.e., the going out a lot) that makes any sense to me at all. For what it's worth, I do think that our specific problem was my depression (which she incorrectly interpreted as controlling) because all complaints about my controlling behavior have stopped since I got on the antidepressants.

And to be clear, my goal is not to defend me or my past behavior. My goal is to understand things that women consider to be controlling so that I can figure out if I do that (and maybe change myself).

p.s. A little more background: my ex wife complained that I was controlling too. I don't think this is specific to my wife.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 1:40 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

I have a sense of deja vu. Didn't you start a thread like this once already, or was that someone else?

Hmmm, controlling...

Not being open or willing to compromise in situations of disagreement. Using manipulative tactics to get your way.

Sounds to me like you may be picking selfish partners...

I have a sense of deja vu. Didn't you start a thread like this once already, or was that someone else?

I can remember talking about it before, but I think it was part of a different thread.

I'll do a quick search on myself.

#absentmindedprofessorproblems.

My husband is controlling when it comes to finances. The bank account is in his name only. So is the debit card. I have to ask for the card,and account for every dollar I spend. I haven't bought myself new clothes,or shoes for a few years. I only spend money at the grocery store,and on the things the kids need. So, I'm not out spending it on anything unnecessary.

I'm a stay at home mom of two small kids. One is on the spectrum, and requires medical care. I am the parent who takes care of all of his needs. Except financially.

My husband sees me as less than, because I don't earn a paycheck. He says I don't contribute.

Yes. He's an ass. But with my son needing round the clock care, it is what it is. For now.

2-3 nights a month is a lot ?? Seriously? So what if occasionally these nights out with her girlfriends are consecutive. You need to get a grip. I'm not sure I'd call your attitude controlling, but it's certainly indicative of significant insecurity...

I know some women would consider me controlling, but they don't know our history usually, so I don't care.

I don't control my wife, she is free to do as she pleases, if she wants to be single, otherwise she has boundaries set that she has to stay within if she wants to stay married to me.

2-3 nights a month is a lot ?? Seriously?

No, 2-3 nights a month is NOT a lot. I said that. Please read more carefully before being critical of me.

This is not something that she did often, but she is way more social than me and she really tries to go out with her friends as often as possible (maybe 2 or 3 nights a month). Occasionally, this would mean consecutive evenings.

I think 2-3 nights out is a lot. I try to do my friend stuff during the day.

Why can't y'all have friends that come over for dinner and cocktails.

Staying up worrying about murder is irrational.

My husband was such an ass about certain things. IE book club once a month. Reading is a passion of mine. He would be in bed pouting if I came home after 9:30. Other women could stay out. Not me. Stuff like that. Yes he was controlling. He didn't view it as that. But he has a dysfunctional family...

He would do very subtle things to undermine me. He was a very insecure human being.

Staying up worrying about murder is irrational.

This reminds me of a bit that I heard on the radio a long, long time ago. It was a psychologist who wrote a song about the difference between neurotic and psychotic. I always knew that I was neurotic... and now I also know that I am psychotic too. Yeah, me!

Jokes aside, yes, I know that it is irrational. That doesn't mean that I can stop it, though.

Because of my irrational fears, I would usually ask that she tell me when she was going to be home. That way, if she wasn't home at 1:30am... I knew that it was okay to be worried if she said that she would be home around 1am.

He didn't view it as that.

Me either, that's why I want to understand.

He would do very subtle things to undermine me. He was a very insecure human being.

Please don't answer if it is TMI, but these subtle things might be what I do too. Please share if you can.

My husband is controlling when it comes to finances.

I think this is one of her concerns, but I don't know how to address it any better than I do.

I keep track of all of our finances. I pay the bills, map out a budget, etc. I try to keep her updated in general terms, but unless she actually looks at all of our financial information, she has no idea...

I tell her that she should never worry about buying the essentials (food, clothes, doctor). We definitely make enough money to cover all of those. As far as "fun" purchases, I tell her that we should talk about the more expensive purchases that she wants to make.

My husband sees me as less than, because I don't earn a paycheck. He says I don't contribute.

Yes. He's an ass.

Yeah, I agree that he is an ass. When I get mean, I'll mention that I make more money than my wife... but that's me being a dick.

Not being open or willing to compromise in situations of disagreement. Using manipulative tactics to get your way.

I have definitely gotten better at compromising. A lot of times, though, I think that it's better to not compromise, meaning one person gets everything and the other person gets nothing. When I do this (i.e., I don't get what I want), I tend not to say anything.

Sounds to me like you may be picking selfish partners...

I don't think that's true of my current wife. My first wife, yes. She once described me as selfish because I didn't think about the fact that she wanted me to do her a favor. Meaning, she thought I was selfish because she had to ask me for a favor rather than having me read her mind.

Oh Lawd...

I don't even know where to start.

But I was married to a narcissist.

I think it's a subjective conversation, not unlike abuse. There's PRE affair and after the affair. What may seem abusive or controlling AFTER the affair isn't - it's rebuilding trust, transparency etc.

So again subjective.

I take issue with the more subtle things. In my instance if I did manage to "get him to watch HIS kids" for some me time, he was guaranteed to make it not worth my while. He got his way I stopped going out AT ALL because it wasn't worth it.

He would plan the tax return six months before we even filed so I couldn't really effectively argue. I'm indecisive. He'd announce his plans as we were waiting. It's hard to argue that so all the "extra" money went towards his desires.

He never looked at my phone or my computer because he didn't have to, he wore me out in other ways.

That's the highest level of control, where you just wear someone out to the point they don't "do that thing" anymore.

Do women do it? Absolutely. Maybe percentage wise less but they do it.

My step brother's wife was INSANELY jealous of anyone including me and his mom. Turns out she was having an affair later in the marriage.

She was also mad controlling.

Having spent almost 20 years on the other side of this (I have a wife who was very controlling and critical). Similar to what StrongHeart said, it's about being manipulative to get what you want.

My wife used to use sex as a tool (giving or withholding based on whether she got what she wanted). She would throw an adult "fit" (going silent, being disrespectful, no sex) until she got her way on things like buying a new house, a new vehicle, other major spending decisions. She would complain about not having enough income until I would go out to get 2nd & 3rd jobs (teaching from 7am to 10pm 4 days a week, Friday was the easy 7-4 day, then there were the online courses being taught...).

In the broadest sense of the term, she was emotionally abusive in order to get me to do what she wanted. Be a good boy & nobody gets hurt.

However, since the A, she has undergone a complete 180 degree change. She no longer controls the finances, she no longer gets what she wants when she wants it, she no longer withholds physically or emotionally when she is upset. She discovered her self-righteous attitude was a major cause of her downfall (pride comes before the destruction) and she has turned away from her old self.

Well I think I can see how she would feel "controlled" by this behavior, but I also see that your intent was not control, just expressing your discomfort? Insecurity?. I can't find the right word.

My wife accused me of that during the years her A was a secret.

It turns out you're not paranoid if it is true.

That said, I always ask someone who makes that accusation to replace the word control with consideration.

For example, as a kid, my parents insisted I call them if I was going to be late or to let them know if I arrived safe on a road trip. As a kid, I thought they were trying to 'control' me. As I got older, I contacted them automatically -- not because they still required it, but because I knew they worried, so I called them as a comfort or in consideration of them.

Anyway, if my wife was going to be late returning from an event, I asked for updates. If she arrived safely on a business trip 1500 miles away, I asked her to call or text me she was okay. I asked that she protect our time together -- no work calls during dinner.

Controlling? Or asking for simple consideration.

And to Barcher's example, going out alone consecutive nights should be fairly rare. It is a relationship. If a person wants to be single, be single. But a team requires some commitment and consideration. In Barcher's case, his concerns are legit -- because as going out all the time alone suggests, his wife is NOT committed to the relationship. And any request for consideration is deemed "controlling."

I may have had the opposite problem, maybe I wasn't controlling enough. We have always shared most responsibilities since we both have always worked full time. Cleaning, cooking, child care, etc. She normally is in charge of family finances because she is excellent with money, I have a company to run.

I never thought for a minute about her wanting to do outside activities without me, as my schedule wasn't exactly by the clock. She would be on a bowling league, or take on coordinator for little league stuff.

It turns out it was some of those liberties that she took advantage of. She knew I trusted her and she abused that trust.

Would it have happened if I was more vigilant? I don't know, most involved people she also worked with.

I'm still not controlling, but she knows I be gone at the first hint of that bullshit again.

Because of my irrational fears, I would usually ask that she tell me when she was going to be home. That way, if she wasn't home at 1:30am... I knew that it was okay to be worried if she said that she would be home around 1am.

My gosh. That's not irrational, it's being a spouse in a marriage. Telling someone you live with when you will be home after a night out is a common courtesy I find it telling if a spouse, male or female, cannot tell the other one when they will be home or keep them updated. They should also let you know where they are and who they are with. Even my adult children let me know when to expect them home when they are here visiting. It's not about control, it's good manners to let those you live with know your comings and goings.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 3:02 PM, August 15th, 2017 (Tuesday)]

That was one of my husband's biggest biffs letting him know I was okay, but oddly enough I did not find that controlling. I have the attention span of a goldfish sometimes so I would forget to contact him that I was running late.

I don't think that is controlling, it's consideration.

Having lost several family members suddenly and what not, my kids ALWAYS keep me abreast of travel, arrivals etc. because I tend to get a bit spastic. I think it's consideration.

I think it's controlling to demand full access to someone's devices if there is no probable cause. Like a person may be embarrassed if they have googled ED, constipation, etc. Post affair? that's not control that's wisdom.