SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My exWH was controlling. He wasn't just insecure, or had different views on social activities. I'll give you some examples of what a true controlling husband is like, starting from early in the relationship onward:

While dating ( I was a teenager) , he'd chastise me about smiling too much around men, the things I'd wear, etc. I learned not to do these things, because after any event he'd tell me how slutty I was acting, etc. He'd make me feel horrible about myself. He's tell me I was a slut about sexual things I had done before I even met him. He once even got mad because I stared at a billboard with an attractive man on it. It effected my work, he'd periodically stop by, and even in a female dominated industry, he'd freak out if he even saw me waiting on the occasional male client that would wander in. Once I went on a job required day trip out of town. I got back, and he was sitting in the dark staring out the window, pouting and scowling. I never went again.

He never wanted me out of his sight. I had zero girls nights out the whole time we were married. He monitored my time if I even went to the store. We hung out at my house if I wanted to spend time with any friends. With him around. Of course, he'd be charming and cook for us and everything, and everyone thought I was SO lucky to have a husband like that. Or he and I would only go out as a couple.

He'd buy me lots of material things to make my home/prison luxurious. He'd cater to my material needs like buying the groceries, bringing home take out, etc...therefore I 'had no reason to go anywhere'.

Once we had children, he did little to raise them hands on. This was control, because with a gaggle of little kids, where can you go? During the years raising my children, I think I got my hair done once and he threw a fit, I used to see going to the doctor as a vacation because that was the one place, according to him, I had a reason to go alone. The day I gave birth to my son, the nurses took me down the hall to spend 30 minutes in the sitz bath whirlpool tub. He threw a fit and made them come and get me and bring me back to the room because the newborn was whining and it was my job to deal with the baby. He flat out told me over that, a few hours after the birth of my son, "I'm mad at you" for leaving for a bath, and treated me like shit the rest of the night.

Of course, the advent of cell phones made all this worse. He'd keep track of me all the time.

Once I went with a friend to visit another friend in the hospital. He actually checked up on me while I was there. I mean physically came by the hospital and acted like he was just in the neighborhood.

If he thought I had a crush on someone or was attracted to someone, he'd make up stories about them like that they had STDs or whatever, anything to put them down in my eyes. If the guy had a gf or wife, he'd tell me how mad he could tell the gf or wife was at me due to "how I was acting" to the man; he'd even say I'd deserve it if she kicked my ass. Of course in hindsight it wasn't true, but this made it so I felt like I wasn't even good enough to have female friends.

There was one time I went out with my family and my kids to a busy park out of town. He was mad. He kept calling making "jokes" that he was there and he could see me.

He'd tell me things like "such and such saw you at Walmart" or whatever. He wanted me to think even when he couldn't see what I was doing, he knew so many people that he'd hear it.

He'd have the kids tell him what I'd done that day, or ask my kids things about what I was doing. Subtle, but he basically used them to know what I did.

He always thought I was cheating and accused me of cheating. Once, I had a terrible medical condition for months, I could't work for months, and looked awful and felt awful, rarely left the house. Still, he'd accuse me of cheating, and once during that time he came home and without warning lifted up my skirt and smelled my underwear *while I was wearing it* to see if I smelled like sex.

I became reclusive, withdrawn, learned to put on a fake face to the public, nobody knew what was going on. But in the house, I was depressed, a shell of what I should have been.

Of course, as you can see HE was the wayward. When I finally left him, he went bezerk. I unwisely got immediately in another relationship the minute we were separated. I ran literally straight to someone else, because I was afraid of my WH and I thought if I was with someone he wouldn't bother me as much. Even with the "protection" of another man, my WH still threatened to disfigure me so noone woudl want me, kill me, he vandalized our marital house, I had to get an RO, and he told our very young children right in front of me that their mother (me) was a whore.

So, that's controlling. I'm a damaged woman over this, I'll never be totally healthy. And I'm actually now kind of controlling myself, but it's not really control, it's that I have severe abandonment issues, my man stomping out and going for a drive causes me to literally panic. I'm always hyperaware to signs that I'm "not good enough". I need a lot of hands on attention, lots of stability. I've come to the realization that some men are fine with that and some aren't. I have to accept that about myself and simply be with a man who gets it and doesn't mind.

The stuff you are describing, is insecure, and you really just sound incompatible in that she's social and you're not, and you have anxiety that you expect her to accomodate and maybe that's just not something she wants to do. Perhaps neither of you are wrong.

OH my word.

Apparently we were married to clones.

I'll mention that I make more money than my wife... but that's me being a dick.

Why would you do this?

You come across as a very jovial and understanding empathic man.

This woman is supposed to be your helpmate; your love. Why would you demean her this way?

And you know what. I know you do this in other ways.

It's very hard to explain the subtle ways he would undermine me. It's a number of things. Major and obvisious would never back me up on the kids. I am a wonderful mother. I deserve to be backed up.

When I make dinner. I am getting in the table. Alone. Kids and I all sit down. He then decides to wash his hands and we wait for him. Every single meal I have ever cooked he has something negative to say. I am a very good cook. I season by taste. He wants each meal to taste exactly the same.

Before he got on lexapro it was horrible. I never knew what would set him off.

I believe I have shared with you before how horrible it was to live with a husband who always had mood swings. I got the point of purposely avoiding him.

He would give me silent treatment if I ever wanted to go out with my friends. If I wanted to go to the gym he would pout. If I had him watch the kids. Very rare. He needed a time schedule. I could never go anywhere without him calling me. Never. Even to tea with my mother.

The lexapro helped all of this. He doesn't think he was controlling about money. He was obsessed with saving. He had to have a certain amount of cash. As he entered midlife crisis stage...because he worked. He started looking at porsches. The 60k model. Which I was fine with. Then it was 140-175 model. No discussion with me on that at all. I put my foot down. Here I was painting the inside of our houses, painting my own furniture. Learning to sew. So I could have a nice home. But I wasn't allowed to go out and spend x,xxx to have window treatments done. Couldn't do our basement the way I wanted to. So I saw his affair coming with the start of the midlife crisis Porsche stuff.

He never told me I was pretty. If I approached him for sex he always shut me down.

I would lay awake at night and wonder what I could do to be a better wife for him.

I love to entertain. We never could till the lexapro. Never could go to friends houses as a couple. I did all my socializing when he was at work.

He never asked me about any of my interests. We didn't watch tv together.

In other ways he was awesome. He never got involved in my decorating. He loved how I designed our homes. If I would pick the wrong paint color. He would say "Baby Girl", it's just paint. I don't want you upset over paint. (Although this stopped about 5 years into the marriage)

People who do these subtle things...they don't see it. It's sooo hard to explain. I haven't done a good job of it.

For me...my spouse NEVER cheating on me was the last thing I had. I never spoke bad about my husband to my girlfriends. I was never the friend complaining. I kept these type of things to myself. After I exposed the affair my girlfriends said, " what the hell is wrong with him. You are so submissive. Good luck finding that with someone else". This was a comment from multiple people across the board. My friends had seen behaviors from him that they didn't like and never said anything to me.

I was financially taken care of. Not emotionally or sexually at all.

I would get yelled at if I didn't turn the sprinkler system on the right way. Or forgot to take out the trash when he traveled. Which he traveled all the time.

When our 3rd child was an infant. We ordered pizza. He wouldn't answer the door because he was barefoot. I literally took my child off the breast to answer the door.

He would accept promotions to move without discussing it with me. He allowed his mother and father to come stay with us for 6 weeks for her hysterectomy. But I was a witch when we fought about it. (He wasn't taking any time off of work to take care of her or his ailing father). We were building a house and renting a small home with no extra bedrooms or space.

The affair has been his come to Jesus moment. He has worked extremely hard to change these things. My therapist said I loved him when he didn't deserve it. He was a horrible husband. Now he is a good husband....

She had never had a client as angry as me. It was because I put up with almost 15 years of bullshit. After he cheated. I realized he had done the worst thing he could ever do to me. So --so what if I stood up for myself. And the Crux of it was. I was so blind to his faults. My dream was to be a stay at home wife and mother. I had my most basic need met. I loved being with my children. I made excuses for everything.

Living with someone who has depression and anxiety is horrible.

I think the approach as well as motive is important. If you shared your worries, irrational or not, and simply requested she be considerate of that (ie. you didn't say "you can't...." but maybe more of "will you please try not to have them on consecutive nights or not stay so late if they are?"), then I don't see it as controlling. That said, I do think sometimes things such as "I worry" and such are used to control.

Xwh used to get very upset with me, pre- cell phones, if I was five minutes late (not exaggerating) or, post cell phones, if I did not respond immediately to texts or answer calls, no matter what; the excuse was that he worries. However, he thought it no big deal if he was over half an hour late or didn't respond to texts/calls at all....and would get angry with me for being upset with him over it. He used the excuse of worry to cover his controlling ways - his "worry" was not about my safety but about his possible loss of control. There is a difference, but it can be hard to discern which applies sometimes.

Similarly, there is a difference in asking for simple consideration and being controlling. As my two oldest became adults, I had a conversation with them about how our relating would change to where I no longer told them to do things, but did expect certain things out of common courtesy - letting me know when they would be out late and when to expect them to return (or not) was one of them, as was cleaning up after themselves and so on. It's not controlling to expect an adult to act like an adult and be responsible; it is controlling to treat that adult as though he/she were a child.

I think the key here is she interpreted your reaction as controlling. I think it's often that people that are engaged in anything that they know isn't right, tend to be very sensitive to feeling controlled, that being because they have a lack of self control. Having anxiety or depression wouldn't necessary be controlling unless you consciously used that fact to keep her from going out or to make her feel guilty about it. That does not sound like the case however expressing displeasure without communicating your anxiety might be. If she in fact knew going out would cause you anxiety and keep you awake and she did so regardless then I would say she is very selfish and disrespectful. She made that choice while other choices were available. She could have cut down or eliminated going out while at the same time insisting that you get help with your anxiety and depression. She could have made a compromise, maybe she could have curtailed going out for 6 months if during that time you went therapy, then after 6 months reevaluate the situation. If going out provided for a social interaction "need" of hers and she wasn't betraying you while doing so, then she should have a right to, but not at your expense. If your anxiety was something that you could not/would not get help with and overcome to some degree, and her social "need" was so great that she wouldn't give it up, then she should be honest and discuss alternatives up to even a divorce. It's the same principal that cheaters should have taken prior to cheating.

FYI, my WW is extremely controlling and extremely sensitive to feeling controlled. Of course her feeling of being controlled is mostly self delusional.

My gosh. That's not irrational, it's being a spouse in a marriage.

My fear that she would get murdered while out is irrational.

Actually, it's not that irrational. When we used to go out together (before kids), she was terrible at recognizing dangerous situations. We were at a dance club once and a fight broke out and she refused to get off the dance floor (she would have been crushed in the melee).

I think it's controlling to demand full access to someone's devices if there is no probable cause. Like a person may be embarrassed if they have googled ED, constipation, etc. Post affair? that's not control that's wisdom.

I haven't heard a complaint of control for a long time, not since February. Our MC was convinced that my "controlling nature" was a cause of her affair.

We have access to each other's devices, but that's always been the case (how I didn't catch her texting with AP still surprises me).

My husband has definitely accused me of being controlling, often. Particularly during the affair.

We don't really manage each other's purchases and never set limits on who the other person was friends with before the affair. I think we just have different communication styles. I express my feelings and he buries them. Sometimes my expression of my feelings feels like demands to him. Sometimes his lack of expression of his feels like I will be in trouble if I don't read his mind and do what he secretly wants. We're ...working on it.

In the end it should come down to, do the same rules apply to both? If not, why not? If the problem is just that you want to know where she is and what she's doing, how can she reassure you? Regular texts, pictures, location sharing, a friend promising to stick close? If the problem is that you cannot sleep while she is gone, is there a medication you should be on? If the problem is that you WILL not sleep while she is gone, what does she need to do to make sure you get your rest? Maybe you can have a nap before she leaves the house or sleep in late the next day.

I don't see it as controlling if she occasionally misses out on something because she's making a compromise with you. Some people will, though. However, that will probably mean she will make it up elsewhere, by going out a different night.

If you have conflicting social habits you will have to work to find what works for both of you. Arrange more get togethers in your home or help her plan to have her friends over. Take her out just the two of you more often. The end goal shouldn't be that someone 'wins' because then you both lose. It should be both of you listening to each other and finding things that make you both happy. That's what I hope will come of my issues, too.

(((OutoftheDeep)))

(((smokenfire)))

Ironically, I try to go out of my way to give my wife time away from the kids. The first time that she slept with AP, I was watching two very small children for a week by myself (no help from relatives) while she went to a conference. Hell, I even potty-trained one of those kids while she was gone.

Why would you do this?

You come across as a very jovial and understanding empathic man.

This woman is supposed to be your helpmate; your love. Why would you demean her this way?

There are times when I feel like nothing that I do is ever enough. I make three times what she does... and she acts like we have nothing, sometimes, because we literally can't buy everything that she wants whenever she wants.

It's not an excuse... like I said, I am being a dick when I say things like that.

It's a number of things. Major and obvisious would never back me up on the kids. I am a wonderful mother. I deserve to be backed up.

I'm not her, but I would guess that my wife would not have this complaint.

When I make dinner. I am getting in the table. Alone. Kids and I all sit down. He then decides to wash his hands and we wait for him. Every single meal I have ever cooked he has something negative to say.

My wife is also a very good cook. I actually wish she didn't cook so much because I like to cook too.

Anyway, I have told her to start dinner without me if I am not there. Also, I usually clean up after the meal (without any help from her).

I criticize her cooking some, but not really. It's more like constructive comments. Like you (I'm guessing), she takes her cooking very seriously, so I'll say maybe a little too much of this or too much of that... or this is better than last time. My comments are always (I hope) polite and constructive. She usually agrees with me; or, maybe, she'll disagree and we'll have a discussion about it.

I try to always thank her for cooking, every day. Literally every day, I will go out of my way to say "thank you" when she prepares a meal for me.

Before he got on lexapro it was horrible. I never knew what would set him off.

This was me too, for sure.

So I saw his affair coming with the start of the midlife crisis Porsche stuff.

I drive a car with 200,000+ miles on it. Not because I can't afford a new car, but because I would rather spend money on something else (anything else). I don't make many big purchases for me.

He never told me I was pretty. If I approached him for sex he always shut me down.

I tell my wife that she is pretty on a daily basis. I have never turned her down, although I tried once (hello, child#3).

I love to entertain. We never could till the lexapro. Never could go to friends houses as a couple. I did all my socializing when he was at work.

This is definitely one of her complaints, although I don't think that I was as bad as your husband and this was not about control. One symptom of my depression was severe social withdrawal. I wouldn't refuse to allow her to be social... I just would stay at home, which annoyed her.

People who do these subtle things...they don't see it. It's sooo hard to explain. I haven't done a good job of it.

Well, that's why I am asking. I am trying to get you to explain the subtleties. Thank you!

I would get yelled at if I didn't turn the sprinkler system on the right way. Or forgot to take out the trash when he traveled. Which he traveled all the time.

This was me and I am wondering if you felt controlled by the behavior? My depression was usually about being frustrated... and it would come out when she wouldn't do something that I had asked (like turn on the sprinklers).

Living with someone who has depression and anxiety is horrible.

No disagreement here. Being that person is no picnic either, let me tell ya.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 4:13 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

My husband is controlling when it comes to finances. The bank account is in his name only. So is the debit card. I have to ask for the card,and account for every dollar I spend. I haven't bought myself new clothes,or shoes for a few years. I only spend money at the grocery store,and on the things the kids need. So, I'm not out spending it on anything unnecessary.

I'm a stay at home mom of two small kids. One is on the spectrum, and requires medical care. I am the parent who takes care of all of his needs. Except financially.

My husband sees me as less than, because I don't earn a paycheck. He says I don't contribute.

Oh HellFire I can relate so strongly to this! ((((Hugs))))

Only recently, and after YEARS of complaining about it, did my WH finally add me on to his accounts. I just went today as a matter of fact to give them proof of my address so I can receive my own debit card for the account. This has long been a sore issue for me. I have even tried the practical common sense approach that if something happened to him I would have a hell of a time getting through the red tape if my name isn't on anything. It always fell on deaf ears and he'd act like I wasn't entitled to be on the accounts. I too would have to ask, like a child, for the debit card to do a monthly grocery shopping and would always be met with a sigh of annoyance. Well sorry asshole, the weekly amount of cash given to me simply doesn't cover everything. No matter how well I budget things. He gets cost of living raises, why the hell shouldn't I?

Prior to his A if he worked a lot of OT he would throw me extra cash. He would tell me to take my mom to the market and fill up her fridge. He would give my daughter money. Once the pussy princess came into his life it all stopped very abruptly. He'd start saying that the gravy train was ending. Gravy train? WTF? If HE'S my gravy train then I fucked that up royally. A former BFF married for money, she found her gravy train. She lives a nice cushy lifestyle, travels, has a nice house and doesn't work. No kids, but she has a heart issue. Her husband doesn't mind in the least about supporting her. While mine began to act like I was a burden to him.

Being a SAHM of a child with ADHD and other issues pretty much controlled my day. Still does on some levels. Everything involving our son from school to doctors was and is handled by me. Because you know having a LTA required him to do as he pleased.

After discovery of his A I took stock of my wardrobe. I threw away tons of things. I went out and bought myself new clothes, new shoes, boots, bras, panties, handbags, you name it. I also started buying all the makeup that was pricier and I would never treat myself to. Hello Too Faced, Benefit, Tarte and the rest! I figured if there was money to spend on gifts, gas, tolls, and who knows what else on his married skank, then it was time to spend it on me. I would always be nervous about every damn dollar spent because he would pitch a fit over credit card bills. Once again, sorry asshole but things like clothes, gas, co-payments, shoes, and whatever else is needed just isn't covered by the damn "allowance" I get.

He never had a problem with me going out with the girls. On the contrary he would say that us going out separately with our friends was "healthy" for the relationship. Problem is I was actually out with the girls, not hopping on new dick. He would go to parties, concerts, bbq's, guy's night out etc without me. If we had plans to go out together and I couldn't get someone to babysit, it didn't effect him, he would just go without me. He was living a big chunk of his life without me. I was really hit by that when I was uncovering the A and had my friend show me his FB page and I was nowhere to be seen. In the past year and half I have made myself known in his social circle and kid you not, one or two people actually said I front of me that they didn't know he was married.

All the bills are in his name. The lease on the car is in his name. The car we own is in his name. When we get our tax refund I don't see a dime of it, but again, before the A I would. He even forged my signature a couple of times when he couldn't be bothered to take me with him. Then the checks would be deposited into the account that I had no access to. But filing jointly he would get a bigger refund. Having kids that I gave birth to gave him a bigger refund. I was good enough for that I guess. So in the past few years I just go out and buy what I want, charge it and he pays the bill.

He acts like because he brings home the paycheck that what I do is meaningless. That I bring nothing to the table. I bring plenty. But he has gone around telling people over the years that I do nothing. Making himself out to be a superstar.

Withholding sex became an issue too. Sometimes 3-4 months went by without anything. I wasn't silently accepting that, I was complaining and questioning why. Wonder how many times he was screwing her in 3-4 months.

The fault really is with me. I somehow stupidly and incredibly allowed this all to happen. Where was my voice? Why did I not demand certain things? But the manipulation and control over years took their toll. They are insidiously done over time and you turn around one day and realize you have zero control over your own life and feel like a child rather than a spouse. He painted me into a corner which is exactly where he wanted me. And I, like an idiot, allowed it to happen. I will NEVER forgive myself for that.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 4:05 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

Having anxiety or depression wouldn't necessary be controlling unless you consciously used that fact to keep her from going out or to make her feel guilty about it.

I didn't try to keep her from going out. I didn't try to make her feel guilty... although it is very likely that I did make her feel guilty when she went out. I would always be awake when she got home -- that's something that she would notice.

She could have cut down or eliminated going out while at the same time insisting that you get help with your anxiety and depression.

She has never gone out that often. At most, 2 or 3 times a month. At most. My sole request was not on consecutive days.

That said, neither of us knew that I had problems with depression and anxiety. She says that she was suspicious that something was wrong with me, but she was scared to bring it up. I don't hold any grudge for that.

The first sign that I had a problem with anxiety would have been Spring 2016 when I started using marijuana... it provided substantial relief from the anxiety, for sure.

If the problem is that you cannot sleep while she is gone, is there a medication you should be on? If the problem is that you WILL not sleep while she is gone, what does she need to do to make sure you get your rest? Maybe you can have a nap before she leaves the house or sleep in late the next day.

The problem is that I cannot sleep while she is gone. The solution that I have come up with, recently, is that I get high while she is out. Then, I can sleep. This might sound like a stupid solution but it works for us.

I think that I am allowed to jack my own thread, right?

And I, like an idiot, allowed it to happen. I will NEVER forgive myself for that.

Gently.

Maybe it's time that you forgive yourself for that. That might be the best place for you to start.

Barcher,

I would also have trouble sleeping when he would be out. I'd toss and turn all night. Smoking wouldn't even help. I swore I would one day wake up and he wouldn't be home. I wouldn't be able to really get to sleep until I'd hear him come home.

Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive myself. Not happening anytime soon.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 4:29 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

(((MBB)))

Go easy on yourself. Hating yourself will get you nowhere but the loony bin or the morgue.

And it's exhausting. I don't know how much more hating myself that I can handle, to be honest.

p.s. Yes, do as I say, not as I do.

Making a request is not controlling. Punishing someone for not doing what you want is.

My first husband was a narcissist. He was very passive aggressive. For example, he apparently got mad that I was doing a community theater production (even though I asked his permission before I auditioned and explained it would be 2 months of nightly rehearsals). So he 'accedentally' forgot and went out with his buddies, leaving me with no one to watch the kids on opening night. Events like that led me to isolate myself and not do anything eccept what he wanted me to. He was so controlling that it got to the point where I knew there would be some price to pay if I didn't have dinner on the table precisely at 6.

My current husband's method of control is less insidious (I've never had to drop out of college because he 'accidentally' spent my student loan money), but it is equally crazy making. He doesn't like to take responsibility for his actions, so he tries to control the narrative. When I complained about his porn blog, we talked about my jealousy issues. When I say he's hurt my feelings, he turns it into how I place too many demands on him. Throughout our relationship, we never discussed my concerns because if I mentioned them it became a conversation about what was wrong with me.

A couple of times he's asked me to change a particular behaviour, but I don't consider that controlling. It was making a reasonable request.

[This message edited by redfury at 5:10 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

((((Barcher))))

I had complete control and still do over our finances. He would get ticked if I didn't move a certain amount to savings. And I would have to explain what 3 kids means financially. Plus we spent over 40,000 over a 8 year period on speech therapy for our son who has apraxia.

The problem is he would bitch about money spent. And when I would attempt to curb expenses he would say oh stop we have plenty of money.

His hierarchy was this.

Work

His television watching. (He has zero hobbies other than constant tv)

His Mother

Children

His Father

Wife

I think that in the us there is a implied connotation of violence or the threat of violence when a man is called controlling, vs a woman.