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I have put a lot of thought into this particular issue, and I have come to this conclusion.

It isn't the diagnosis that is the issue, it's the behavior.

xhz700: I don't understand your response. Could you clarify?

If you are talking about the diagnosis of my depression, I agree... that's not the problem. In fact, it is part of the solution. Once the problem has been recognized, then a solution can be sought and achieved.

Calling you controlling is a manipulative way to get what she wants without catching much grief from you. It's turning the problem around on you. You feel bad and stop mentioning it and she gets to do what she wants. Win, win for her. Lose, lose for you.

I am beginning to recognize this is partly correct. Not completely, but partly (perhaps 70% accurate?).

What is her compromise? Nothing.

Good point.

Since the diagnosis of depression, she has been much more compromising. Honestly, I think the diagnosis has helped her too... she recognizes that I wasn't making up my problems. She also sees that I am working really hard at managing my depression and she is doing all that she can to help me.

xhz700: I don't understand your response. Could you clarify?

To clarify, the behaviors are just coping devices. Regardless of whatever reasons someone has, there is no excuse for treating anyone poorly, ever.

I can be diagnosed with depression, or someone can be diagnosed BPD or ADHD, but at the end of the day we are accountable for our behavior, no matter what.

In my STBXW's case, she was diagnosed bipolar, and I believe that she is borderline. I am sure that both of those conditions make it hard to be reasonable at times, but regardless of her diagnosis, she's responsible for herself.

Am I overstepping to ask you to share what AD meds you take?

My H has been on Wellbutrin for almost a month, and I don't see much difference.

Sorry if that is too nosey.

She should be first and foremost concerned with your feelings and concerns and requests, with the children's next, and then hers; when she puts herself first, it knocks everything out of whack, and is exactly the same attitude, still in place, that led to an A and landed you here..... (Think about that one....because that same attitude that led to the A and landed you here appears to be alive and well in her, to me, which means she still has work to do on herself if she wishes to avoid another A.....)

It is (was?) an on-going argument that she did not prioritize me properly. I was always the lowest priority for her, the responsibility that she could neglect whenever she wanted because I am reliable.

She has, again since the depression diagnosis, prioritized me quite a bit higher.

But, there is no explanation other than "I'm crazy" for staying up. It is what it is. In this case, the term "crazy" can be labelled more specifically as anxiety.

I would use the word codependent.

To clarify, the behaviors are just coping devices. Regardless of whatever reasons someone has, there is no excuse for treating anyone poorly, ever.

Oh, ok. Yes, I agree with this, strongly so. I accept the responsibility for my bad behavior, depression or not.

That's my motivation behind this thread... I want to understand my behavior. I have been accused of being "controlling" but I don't understand the complaint but I am not my wife.

And whatever bad behavior that I exhibited as a result of my depression, I am embarrassed by it and I don't ever want to do that stuff again. At the same time, I recognize that I am a flawed person (like everyone else) and I can't change the past.

I can, however, work to make the future better for me and the people that I care about... so that's what I am doing.

Am I overstepping to ask you to share what AD meds you take?

My H has been on Wellbutrin for almost a month, and I don't see much difference.

Sorry if that is too nosey.

I'm a pretty open guy, so ask away. I don't mind revealing personal information, in general... especially if it will help someone else.

I am on sertraline (trade name = zoloft), 100mg per day.

It has made a HUGE difference. HUGE. I used to have this general build-up of anger and frustration. That has stopped. I would also ruminate on problems; that has stopped too.

I have some side effects. My sex drive has been cut in half and I have trouble reaching orgasm. I also have a weird feeling (like I need to yawn) on a regular basis (this is actually a bigger deal to me than the sexual side effects). I also have this side-effect/actual effect where I usually become exceptionally tired if I get angry (I'll often take a nap after having an argument with my wife).

I have no idea why a doctor would prescribe one anti-depressant over another -- this is something that I would like to learn about.

My standard advice is to talk to his doctor about his situation.

I would use the word codependent.

I guess that's a reason why people have accused me of being codependent before.

I disagree, but that's okay. We can disagree politely, yes?

May I ask a serious question?

Who controls the fun in your household? (I leave it up to you and your wife to define fun activities)

Who controls the fun in your household?

That's a tough question to answer. For the last couple of years, I didn't really have much fun. That's the depression, though.

Otherwise, it's probably 50% the kids, 25% me, and 25% WW.

When she went out consecutive nights despite you asking her not to...

Did you try to convince yourself that you need to be more understanding of her needs and that you are the one being irrational? Did you express to her your concern with the situation and offer a solution? Did you get pissed and ignore her for a couple days? How did you respond?

Barcher

My husband also says his past behaviors are crazy, sick, wrong.

Did you try to convince yourself that you need to be more understanding of her needs and that you are the one being irrational?

Nope. Not at all. I understand the desire to go out and be social. But, we have responsibilities and we can't do whatever we want whenever we want. I have always believed that my request that she not go out on consecutive nights as being totally reasonable.

Did you express to her your concern with the situation and offer a solution?

Yes, I express my concern. I told her that I was falling apart due to lack of sleep over two consecutive days and that I wanted her to not go out on consecutive nights again.

Did you get pissed and ignore her for a couple days? How did you respond?

The first time was probably a polite request. After that, I probably started an argument with me saying that she was being inconsiderate and she said that I was being controlling.

Okay, as long as she continues to do it and you continue to get angry about it, I understand how that is seen as you trying to control her.

Here's the thing. You can't. You have to set boundaries, create consequences and stick to that.

Decide how serious this is to you. Decide what you are willing to tolerate (your boundary) and what the consequences are if your boundary is violated. Clearly explain this to her and ask her if she is willing to comply. If she violates it in the future, enforce your consequence. Continuing to get angry and yell, bargain, etc. is basically expecting for her to eventually change rather than accepting that she has already chosen not to. A healthy partner should have no problem trying to work with you to find a solution to the struggle.

This is not control, it is creating boundaries to protect yourself and enforcing them. You are not telling her she can't go out, you are telling her that she can't ignore your feelings while in a relationship with you. If she cannot choose your feelings over going out with her friends two nights in a row, then she has a choice to leave the relationship...as do you.

ETA: Someone who doesn't want to compromise/cares about themselves more than you will always tell you you are being controlling when you tell them your boundaries.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 4:11 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

There are no perfect marriages, there are no perfect parents, and there are no perfect children.

But I hope you are talking with your IC about what you want your new life, post-depression, to look like. Setting realistic goals and setting healthy boundaries and consequences.

The first sign that I had a problem with anxiety would have been Spring 2016 when I started using marijuana, which provided substantial relief from the anxiety, for sure. The problem is that I cannot sleep while she is gone. The solution that I have come up with, recently, is that I get high while she is out. Then, I can sleep. This might sound like a stupid solution but it works for us.

Personally, I wouldn't spend the next 10 years of my life getting high at home with 3 kids around ... while my spouse is out until 1:30 a.m. with others.

Okay, as long as she continues to do it and you continue to get angry about it, I understand how that is seen as you trying to control her.

This is a serious response, just in case you think that I am being snarky.

I want to set the boundary: No going out two nights in a row.

What consequences do you recommend? How do I enforce the boundary other than by getting angry at her? I have tried to use logic and persuasion.

Wayward wives shouldn't be going out without their husbands ever.

Listen, it is very common for wayward wives to claim that their husbands were controlling. It is a standard way of rewriting marital history. In my first marriage to xWW she could do what sne wanted. I trusted her. Once I suspected cheating and began snooping I was cast as the controlling asshole--but, really, she was cheating and used that label as a distraction to do as she pleased. After she was caught, I eventually became very controlling, to a degree she likely never imagined. She brought that on herself.

If your wife is still going out after cheating, if she views you as controlling,I'd consider that a huge red flag. She lacks sufficient shame to be trustworthy.

[This message edited by PlanC at 6:20 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

The problem with these discussions is that we only know things from your perspective.

You post your own take on a situation, your wife isn't here to counterbalance, and you'd like people to tell you that you're not controlling. Since your wife was a WS, it's the easiest thing for folks here to give you the words you seem to need - that you're not controlling, that she was manipulating you by saying you were. So now you have it. You've engineered a situation in which people have just told you what you've wanted to hear. But what has that gained you?

And I write that not knowing if you're controlling or not, since clearly we'll never know that about you.

I will say that you seem to use your depression diagnosis quite a bit. If you're in therapy I'd look more closely at that.

And finally there's the reality that the exact same scenario within a marriage can come about because of healthy compromise, because of respectful accommodation, because of manipulation by one or both people, or because of a controlling spouse - it's only the detailed context that lets anyone know which one it is, and we don't have that from you.

The difference between control and concern? The tone of your voice, the intent, the mood in the air.

This is pretty illuminating to me. I have a hunch this is/was my problem. My tone was awful. I was mean. There is no denying that.

But I wasn't trying to control her.... but that doesn't mean that I wasn't controlling her, if that makes any sense.

^^ from earlier. Of course it makes sense. You've got 'plausible deniability' of using means that you know will manipulate (the tone of voice) while I'm guessing your words were left in the realm of reasonable. So that you know you're influencing the outcome in ways that are hard to describe (tone) while leaving yourself the plausible deniability of using otherwise reasonable sounding words. It's a very common manipulation tactic.

^^^