SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Harrybrown - Thanks for the help. Even the attempt is appreciated. I'm at a real loss this morning.

My next IC appointment is Saturday morning. Not too long. His is tomorrow - maybe something will come of that.

I've asked him before what I can do - he knows I'd do it. But anytime I ask he just sighs, shakes his head, and says something along the lines of "I just don't see it". I've offered a post-nup, but he doesn't seem interested. I've exposed to everyone he's asked me to, plus a couple. He has been the one wanting it mostly kept under wraps, until he makes a decision.

OM hasn't worked for my company for about a year. I don't think the company knows, since most of the affair happened after he quit.

His wife knows - she's the one who outed me. They have no kids, and a far as I know they are getting a divorce. BH provided her with all the cards/letters OM wrote me, to help her case.

She hates me, but I think even she feels like I was somewhat played. She and I spoke some, right after Dday. She was trying to get answers about what happened, and OM wasn't talking to her. It became clear to both of us during those conversations how much was going on that I didn't know, and how he was lying to me, too.

His current employer does not know, unless his wife told them. A girl from my company followed him to his new company (he got her a job working for him). She was friends with OM and his wife, but she clearly had feelings for OM. He told me it wasn't reciprocated, but knowing what I know now, I strongly suspect that's a lie. OM's wife knows about her, so it's possible she's said something to his new company about it.

I don't know if OM suffering would matter much to BH, honestly. Since NC, he wouldn't get to "enjoy it", and I don't think he wants to spend any time thinking about OM.

I'm pretty sure he just wants it to all go away, and he feels like the easiest way to do that is to cut out the part that hurts - in this case, me. Hard to argue with that logic.

God, I feel wretched today...

See, that’s the thing CSCE,

You don’t ever get over it. You can, sometimes, work through it.

I also am not a believer of the old marriage is dead, try to start a new one. I have the same marriage, but my h changed things about himself that made our marriage better. A marriage I could continue to believe in, and work for, together.

Your husband may not want to be your husband anymore. But, you knew that on day one. You should not be any more hopeful or hopeless right now. Just work on you, be there for him when he lets you. You single handily wrote a chapter of your marriage. The next chapter is his.

Your husband's self-respect has been hit by a Mack truck. You should pursue steps to restore his honor, whether you R or D.

Nevertheless, you've put forth a commendable effort. Had my wife made a similar investment immediately after dday, our R would have moved faster.

We're in a decent spot now, but only after intense IC and sincere remorse on her part.

Regaining self-respect on his part is key, as well as a wife he can trust.

[This message edited by parent4 at 7:29 PM, October 26th (Thursday)]

CantSleepCantEat:

you said:

I've asked him before what I can do - he knows I'd do it. But anytime I ask he just sighs, shakes his head, and says something along the lines of "I just don't see it"

I say, don't say that any more. YOU figure out things to do and do them! Do ask if he wants a piece of pie and a cup of coffee to go with it.

With regards to your future, you have not yet been six months since the OBS sent him a copy of your fantasy letter. On the scale of life, this is just a blip of time.

You have given both you and your husband a very very hurtful and sorrowful memory. He may never be able to swallow his pride and learn to live with the disrespect you showed for him and your vows. Six months is too soon to say and he is being truthful in his words to you. He will change and how is a path he must find.

A suggestion for something to do - a bit of my experience. Life was not good with my spouse, distant, not talking, not laughing, angry etc.

I thought she had found another and wrote her a long letter of regret and I would step aside and acquiesce in her search for happiness.

Well, I came home and she was waiting and sad

She didn't deny her feelings but we started talking and she started considering my feelings.

After some time she made some changes and I made some changes and one night she, on her own volition, brought out ALL our family picture albums. We slowly walked through hundreds of photos starting from when our parents had our baby pictures taken. We share a lot of history and that bond of history (over 40 years) counts enough to make accepting that we both have to work on our marriage every day! And accept we both have short comings.

Can you think of things similar on your own to share with your husband? Can you write your timeline (again?) in a way and then go back over it and add (like my English teacher did in red ink!) adding comments and discussion about how you were thinking wrong and have changed?

Other than being partners as married to each other, what interests do you share? Camping? Travel? a Hobby? You MUST be a friend, a very best friend in a marriage. What have you been doing to show him this? What do you do together now? What did you used to do "before?" Are you really a friend. Keep in mind you have to rebuild slowly. The brain takes time to find a place to permanently store bad memories.

Do you two touch each other? Neck massage? Just touching while talking?

Your husband is likely thinking you don't want him to touch you? Some men are not the kind to force them self on a woman. She must show willingness to be more "personal" or they will keep a polite distance away. Sounds a bit like your ice-cream meeting?

I am an old friend to the pit in the stomach feeling and can assure someday it will go away. Time and more time - one day you will wake up and it will be a sad memory. You will go on with life and whether on not it is with your husband, you have the opportunity for sure to find future happiness. Don't quit trying to improve and understand your self.

Give your husband at least a year, at least a year

to begin healing. He may end up divorcing you and your story may develop like the one DarknessFalls has lived. It's possible.

Wish you well

Greeneyesbluezy - I know you're right. I keep telling it to myself, but it doesn't make the feelings go away. How I wish it would.

Parent4 - Unfortunately for me, he's fairly certain the only way to regain his self-respect is to end our marriage. I've been trying to demonstrate my investment and commitment, but he's understandably not very interested in seeing it these days.

Hippo16 - I'm doing everything I can think of, and he's admitted that I've come up with more things than he would have. I think they surprise him. I understand your point, though. I'm not waiting for him to give me instructions - the question is more asking him if there is anything I haven't thought of that will help.

We share interests in road trips, baseball, movies, travel, and live music. I'm sure there are other things, but that's a start.

We don't do anything together, now. He doesn't want to go anywhere with me. He goes to social events alone. It's only in the last couple of weeks that he'll let me watch TV with him or eat dinner with him.

We used to to everything together. We'd go hiking, go to movies, go to local concerts, go see local tourist traps, have dinner at hidden hole-in-the-wall places, go to Disneyland (we had annual passes for years and used to go multiple times a month). We'd go grocery shopping together, run errands together, fix up the house together...

I'd love to do any of those things with him, again, but he's unwilling. He says going out is what couples do, and we aren't one.

As for being a friend - he's said he can think of me that way without discomfort. He talks to me like a close friend. I know he hopes we could remain friends, after. That's one way I still have value to him.

I'm trying to be patient and to not push him, and for the most part I manage it pretty well. I've always had to be the one to advance our relationship (except for the proposal), so I'm not sure what pacing looks like when left on his terms.

We do not touch, and he knows I wish we did. I am keeping my distance out of respect for his wishes - he doesn't even want me sharing the couch with him. I've asked him to please let me know if he ever gets to the point where touching would be ok. He said he would.

It's just hard, is all. Really, really hard. I know it will get better, one way or the other, eventually. But it certainly doesn't feel that way, and I definitely can't see how today.

As mentioned by others, I hope you continue to contribute to the site regardless of the outcome of your specific challenge.

Your husband suffered a dagger to the heart. Yet equally, your journey epitomizes the self-inflicted pain many waywards experience by betraying those they truly love.

I guess there's never a chance to catch things in the right moment in a natural way and have the two of you spontaneously get physical, let things get out of control and be swept away, etc.? Like a tension in the air where it's like 2 magnets close to each other out of nowhere?

That's how it happened for the first time between my W and I after d-day, somewhat spontaneously. I had previously been avoiding her, big-time, despite remaining under the same roof.

Parent4 - I'm going to try. Some days it's painful to be here, but other days it's my lifeline.

The pain of betraying is real. While I'm sure it does not even remotely compare to the pain of being betrayed, the knowledge that I did this can be really hard to bear. Knowing that if I had been better/stronger/truer, none of this would have happened...it's a heavy weight.

SilverLinings55 - I appreciate the suggestion, but it seems unlikely. (I won't say impossible.) How long were you avoiding your wife?

BH isn't really the "spontaneous" type, firstly. Secondly, because of my rejection of him (pre-A), he stopped initiating intimacy with me about 2 years ago - after that, I always had to make the first move. He didn't tell me he made that decision so I was unaware that he was waiting on me, and just thought he lost interest. So, we now find ourselves in a situation where I'm not going to make a move because he's made clear he doesn't want me to, and he is very used to not making them himself. It's unfortunate - I miss him.

He knows those unilateral decisions and uncommunicated feelings are an issue and his IC has been trying to help him work on them. It's deep-seated and has roots in his conflict avoidance, though, so right now he's at the "recognition" point but not usually able to catch himself and behave differently in the moment.

On that note - he admitted that he was "harsher" than he meant to be with me on Wednesday night. It turns out he was annoyed we were having the conversation, because he had a big meeting the next morning and he didn't want to be tired/distracted for it. He didn't tell me that, though, and instead was irritable. He recognizes that he should have communicated with me about his meeting instead of getting mad. Last night we discussed that in the future, he should let me know if he would rather table a conversation for another time, and that we are both able to "pause" if we feel we aren't in the proper mindset.

I wish he would have volunteered that information earlier in the day yesterday, so I didn't spend the whole day feeling sick and depressed, but he was avoiding me basically all night. He said he was giving me my space, but he knows I never want space when I'm upset. He was keeping his distance because he didn't want to deal with it (there's that avoidance, again). He acknowledged it, when I pointed it out to him - I don't think he thought about his motivations prior to that. That being said, I realize it's not his responsibility to make me feel better.

So, that's where we are. He didn't apologize, but he did say he felt bad about it. I feel slightly more stable, today.

CSCE:

I avoided her for a couple months as I went out and did my own thing. The "spontaneous" thing kinda happened after we had a warming period. I forget exactly what transpired, but it was something like her trying to comfort me when I had really bad nerves and she saw that and came up to me. Then it just escalated quickly. Probably was one of the better "sessions" we've had. She got up and went away after we were done and went upstairs to the bedroom (it was kinda weird afterwards, I guess), but then it started happening frequently, and we kinda got back together and trying to R by osmosis or something.

Is it possible in your case that it makes sense to try something like this? Then if it doesn't work out, apologize and say you were wrong for doing that but couldn't resist, something like that...

I'm picturing maybe finding some reason to be near him (cutting a piece of pie or some shit), then attacking. Could go either way. Smashing success or embarrassing failure.

I guess it could backfire badly, but it might be worth a try. There are maybe worse things than him being annoyed at you because you couldn't resist trying to initiate something.

When does it reach a point where something like this should be attempted?

I'm with SilverLinings55

Go have your hair done, maybe a trip to a makeup artist (lightly!) - demure dress.

Sort of like looking good and approachable but yet doing some initiation.

I am assuming there has been a considerable dry spell for both of you and you have been certified clean?

Possible - think is there any particular situation in your past that led to a session? can you do it again?

Don't give up!

Do you think what is going on is the clock running down on the artificial timeline set for him to make a decision?

What are both of you expecting on the magic day?

Have you given thought to your future if he pulls the pin?

How close is the day for the "final" decision?

Why do YOU want to continue living like this? Is wearing a permanent scarlet letter something you are up for? Seems like that is where you are now and I'm not seeing any change.

CSCE

I'm wondering about the pies and cakes that you've shown us in your thread. Did you share any of those with AP? If so, how does your BS feel about your posting pictures of your baking? Are you looking for validation? Something to think about...

CSCE, Your posts on this page was enlightening for me. I have been reading your thread, and your husband's thread for some time now... Mostly just your posts, and his posts. You both have some long threads. I have drifted away from these sites over the last few months. There is a lot I have forgotten or missed...

However, I need to respond to your post on this page. Maybe you are aware of most of what I am about to say...maybe most of it may not be helpful or useful. Hopefully there are somethings in the follow pontifications that you might find useful, helpful, and hopefully enlightening.

At any rate... take what is useful and helpful, and ignore the rest.

Your long term sexual rejection of your husband, followed by accepting and pursuing another man for sex, is probable a very significant issue here. A man's fundamental sex drive really doesn't change that much from the beginning for most men. So, if things tapered off as you rejected him over time, that was the response. The fact that he quit initiating is usually a form of emotional self protection. Sexual rejection and failure to initiate from spouse is usually interpreted as a loss of respect, desire, and love. I bet though, he still wanted you on a daily basis and thought about it as much as he ever did... He just... controlled it.

Shutting down for 2 years... That usually indicated there is a lot of buried anger, pain, frustration, fear, and loss of hope. For me personally, I have a lot of bitterness that I often have to control, deny, fight.

I personally, interpret your husbands current behavior as unresolved anger and bitterness from the long term sexual rejection. The affair is going to be emotionally interpreted as the ultimate form of sexual rejection. It caps off the entire message that you have been sending to him for a very long time now.

Men generally never put a woman in the "Friend Box". Well... except for a mom or a sister or an immediate relative....

The fact that you are in the "Friend Box" with follow through behavior, indicates...

there is substantial trauma to your relationship regarding the erotic nature of your relationship.

You have been emasculating him for a lot of years before the affair. The affair is close to the ultimate form of emasculating a woman can do to a man. A man really never get's over that. If your relationship survives, if you are still together in 10 years from now, if your sex life is the best it has ever been and you are having sex 2,3,4 times a week... every time.. in the back of his mind... he will still have a shadow of a doubt... he will often find himself asking...

Is this all and act? Does she really desire me? Is she faking? Is she still thinking about the other man and does she still prefer and desire him?

After all... you made it abundantly clear for a lot of years prior to this that you really did not sexually desire him before the affair.

Any sexual change post affair, is going to be, evaluated as no more than fake desire, as a trade off for keeping and maintaining the relationship after the affair. Is your sexual desire for him in the future going to be anything more than pity, duty, guilt sex? How do you convince someone that has a long term negative history with you that your desire in the future is real and true?

You may need professional help in this subject.

I don't say these things to be mean or hurtful to you. I am sending this to you so, you are, knowledgeable at some of the challenges that you two may face in working through this. This is a jumble up summary of a mix of personal experiences and what I have learned over the years from hanging around these sites.

You might be able to ... seduce your husband some night in the near future. Hope you do.. it might be good for both of you to find out a few things... from that experience. But, One great night, isn't going to fix this...

This is a marathon, the first 3 months, 6 months, 12 months at the trauma months. If or once things settle down, if you both try to move forward together one day at a time...

It is often reported that the second year is the real "hell" year for the Wayward spouses. The second year, the Betrayed spouse isn't usually trying to rescue the relationship, and isn't in shock. That is the year they begin to really start to re-evaluate and start to really test the meaning and value of the relationship for both of you. If you think this first year is difficult... the second year is often described as the worse one to survive. Note... at some point, one or both of you may decide to separate and divorce. However, that doesn't mean it is the end... It is never over, till it is over. Sometimes you want to quit, sometimes he wants to quite. Sometimes either one of you may actually quite. But, be patient, take one day at a time, work through it... Who knows... 10 years from now, you are wiser, he is wiser, and your marriage may be a very good marriage that both of you enjoy and are thankful and appreciate being in. Not, innocent, not perfect, but, older, wiser, more appreciative. Taking less things for granted.... being more mindful to appreciate the small things together... Forgiveness, Grace, Patience, Hope, Love,... go a long way.. and can perform miracles. Hoping the best for both of you two. A movie that deals with the subject of cheating with a positive message and ending in a marriage restoration is the 1969 movie, "Winning" with Paul Newman. Almost a must see for couples working on getting through the initial stages of trying to recover from an affair... I think... especially for men... but, you probable should see it first and see if you can find it, and if you can cope with your BS seeing it in your presence. Well, that , and the movie "Fireproof".

SilverLinings55 and Hippo16 - I appreciate the advice, but I really don't feel comfortable manipulating him like that. No, if he doesn't want to touch me, then we won't touch. As much as I'd love to feel closer to him, this is about his comfort level. As much as my past behavior may say otherwise, I really do love and respect him, and that behavior seems calculated, as opposed to loving and respectful. I'm hoping he'll get there on his own, or even will just let me know he's open to the idea. If he does, he will find an enthusiastic partner, but I just can't trick him like that.

LongSadStory1952 - He might be running down the clock, I can't really say.

The day is 12/30 (~2 months), although he'll be out of town until 1/3. I'm not sure if he'll insist on doing it over the phone, or waiting until he gets back to do it in person.

I don't know what to expect, although if it goes anything like the conversation 3 months out, it would be him saying "if my IC hadn't recommended I wait 6 months, I would have made a decision today, and that decision would have been to D. I just don't see how I could respect myself if I stayed with someone who could do this to me." My hope is that the combination of time, my earnestness, and the work he is doing in IC will soften him on the idea of trying to build on this scorched foundation. Though I don't hope for it (quite the opposite), he might be more open to a "stay off execution" due to some financial instability he might have next year, too.

I've given a fair amount of thought to my future if we end up being over. I would move back to the Midwest, where my family and friends are (we moved to CA for his career). I'd likely work remotely for my current job for a while, until I could find something local that pays decently. I'd take the dog and one of the cats with me (that has been discussed). I'd buy a small place of my own, and watch my friends' children grow up. I'd bake cakes for their birthday parties. As far as contingency plans go, it wouldn't be so bad. There's a lot I would gain in that future that I don't have and miss, now. Things I gave up when I decided to follow him and his dream out west. So, yes, I've thought about it. I'm not excited about it, and there's a lot I'd lose in that scenario, but it would be doable. My future doesn't fill me with despair.

I don't want to continue living like this, but who does?? I have faith that things will improve with time and effort - regardless of the direction. The idea of no longer having BH in my life fills me with desperate sadness, but I can't make him stay. All I can do is give him no more reasons to leave, cause him no more hurt, and make myself the best version of myself that I can be (for whatever the future holds). That's what I'm working on.

I'm afraid I've earned that scarlet letter, so not being "up for it" seems cowardly, doesn't it? I can't un-commit my sins. But, I can learn from them. I feel a strong need to use it as a reminder to myself of my own weaknesses and poor boundaries. Not in penance, but in preparedness. So I'll wear it, willingly. We all have our letters. They don't define us - they are our scars. The tangible memories of learned lessons, carried with us as we go forth with self awareness into our futures, so we can make them better than our pasts.

You say you haven't seen any change, but I can tell you I've seen tons of it. I can't say where it's leading, but life today is so much better than 2 months ago. We talk. We laugh. We communicate with an openness and consideration that we never had, before. We are both working on ourselves, and it shows. We acknowledge our faults and limitations. We ask for help. It's not everything I want it to be, and it might not mean we stay together, but there is light in our lives again.

Besides, we're only 4 months out from Dday. My understanding is that is still essentially brand new.

QuietDan -

Sexual rejection and failure to initiate from spouse is usually interpreted as a loss of respect, desire, and love. I bet though, he still wanted you on a daily basis and thought about it as much as he ever did...

You're right. I know that because I felt it, too. My sex drive took a nosedive when I started rejecting him. It wasn't anything to do with him, though he had no way of knowing that. I'm sure it was incredibly hurtful to him, and I'm sure he felt I no longer desired him. I suppose in a way that's true, but it's because I didn't desire anything. By the same token, when he stopped initiating sex with me, he stopped all unprompted physical and verbal affection with me in any way. No hugs, no kisses on the cheek, no cuddles on the couch. If I wanted any of that, I had to initiate it.

Yes, he desired sex every night. I didn't find this out until after Dday, because he never told me. Considering his behavior, I thought he didn't want me any more, for exactly the reasons you mention. His behavior gave me that impression, just like mine gave him the same.

I'm not bitter, but it makes me sad. I wish he had told me. I wish I knew. I wish I brought my own struggles to him instead of hiding them like they were shameful. The way we both handled difficult situations meant when things got hard we retreated into ourselves. We weren't partners in those moments.

Honestly, I think I'm going to need professional help in regards to sexual desire no matter what. My libido has not returned to anything remotely normal since the rejection period. That's not a statement on BH - it's across the board. I lost something of myself, then. My confidence is shot. It's been going on for so long that I don't know if it will ever come back - maybe it's gone forever. I think at some point, when I started living for others, I lost touch with the part of myself that wanted and needed. I repressed that part because I found it to be dangerous. Little did I know...

Did you sexually desire AP?

Parent4 - No, not really. I never fantasized about AP. As I said, I wasn't desiring anyone. But on top of that, I didn't find AP to be particularly attractive, physically. He was heavier than I like, way too hairy for my type, and his smile always looked kind of dopey and dumb. He was definitely less attractive than BH.

However, I desperately desired to be desired/wanted/affirmed, and AP gave me that. I was willing to trade sex to keep those words coming. It's shameful.

Okay - Good news

You say you haven't seen any change, but I can tell you I've seen tons of it. I can't say where it's leading, but life today is so much better than 2 months ago. We talk. We laugh. We communicate with an openness and consideration that we never had, before. We are both working on ourselves, and it shows. We acknowledge our faults and limitations. We ask for help. It's not everything I want it to be, and it might not mean we stay together, but there is light in our lives again.

And a good point to remind yourself of in those down times -

Besides, we're only 4 months out from Dday. My understanding is that is still essentially brand new.

You're doing what you can. It's good that you can now watch TV together sometimes. As I mentioned before, if at all possible, try a good comedy every now and then.

You could also try sharing (or directly showing) some clever YouTube (or similar) media (especially science and other intellectually stimulating stuff, since you both seem pretty bright) look for short things that take 3 to 10 minutes for starters. If he won't watch with you, you could just share the address.

Those times when you're feeling really down might be good times for researching for enlightening and entertaining videos. It gives you something positive to do that may in some way help the marriage, and might also lighten your mood. It takes you beyond just 'reminding yourself' of the good things within situation . . . it gives you something educational and fun to do . . . which you may well need in those times.

You've probably tried everything mentioned above to some extent already . . . Still . . . doesn't hurt to try again.

It's still really a matter of what you can, when you can - stay vigilant for opportunities.

[This message edited by c24j at 8:09 PM, October 30th (Monday)]

Desire.

That feeling. The being wanted.

In my experience, probably one of the biggest problems in marriage/long term relationships. You once had it. Where did it go?

Men and women both feel that. I’ve heard it over and over as the “reason.”

I’m not sure there is a remedy. I’m not sure you get that forever. I’m not sure you can feel that forever.

But, forever, that vow, is supposed to mean more than that. That’s where we lose ourselves. Thinking wedding day desire is forever day desire

It’s not and it could never be.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 10:23 PM, October 30th (Monday)]

You're right. I know that because I felt it, too. My sex drive took a nosedive when I started rejecting him. It wasn't anything to do with him, though he had no way of knowing that. I'm sure it was incredibly hurtful to him, and I'm sure he felt I no longer desired him. I suppose in a way that's true, but it's because I didn't desire anything. By the same token, when he stopped initiating sex with me, he stopped all unprompted physical and verbal affection with me in any way. No hugs, no kisses on the cheek, no cuddles on the couch. If I wanted any of that, I had to initiate it.

You really need some help in this area. I'm going to be pretty blunt. Withdrawing affection from you is a normal and pretty reasonable response to being continuously rejected sexually. I know, I lived it, and it is crippling and invalidating. I was rejected sexually probably 1000 times in 5 years. Eventually, I just stopped asking. Worse yet, I stopped desiring sex.

Can you imagine doing oil changes on a car that doesn't start anymore? Sex shouldn't be transactional, I don't want to say that, but there is a symbiotic relationship there.

In my opinion, the fact that you rejected him sexually, then followed up with an affair, is the largest obstacle that you have to overcome.

I still see a hint of you trying to separate behavior from yourself. You seem to want to view the affair as the anomaly in your life.

Yes, he desired sex every night. I didn't find this out until after Dday, because he never told me.

You clearly knew that he was interested in sex with you when he was asking and you were rejecting him. I'm not sure how you can say that you were surprised to find out that he still wanted sex. Was the consequence of your rejection not obvious?

No, not really. I never fantasized about AP. As I said, I wasn't desiring anyone. But on top of that, I didn't find AP to be particularly attractive, physically. He was heavier than I like, way too hairy for my type, and his smile always looked kind of dopey and dumb. He was definitely less attractive than BH.

However, I desperately desired to be desired/wanted/affirmed, and AP gave me that. I was willing to trade sex to keep those words coming. It's shameful.

I agree with this statement whole heartedly, but I suspect that this is not new behavior for you. Respectfully, I don't think that you need help sorting out the "why" as much as you need help completely rebuilding your sexual identity. Why do you have sex when you have it? What about sex is important to you?

In my case, my WW rejected me constantly. She had multiple (I want to say 10) inappropriate relationships of one sort or another. Most of the time, sex for her was a way to ensure support. Like you, she had sex in exchange for emotional validation (with me, and others) but it tailed off with me and increased elsewhere. Sex with me was reserved for "reset" sessions. If I was upset about lack of sex, we had sex a few times over a week or two, then tailed off again. If I was leaving on a work trip, the night before, EVERY TIME. Sex was her weapon to fend off abandonment, in all cases.

Xhz700 - I don't have time to answer this fully, so apologies if it's abbreviated.

This topic always begets emotional responses, and I'm a bit gun-shy to go into it.

I hope I've never insinuated that I think BH's withdrawal from me was unreasonable. I completely understand - I only wish I knew. I can't say it would have definitely changed anything, but at least I would have known he was interested.

Worse yet, I stopped desiring sex.

I'm not sure how you can say that you were surprised to find out that he still wanted sex. Was the consequence of your rejection not obvious?

You say yourself that rejection caused you to stop desiring sex - I suppose my thought process was simply that he must have stopped asking because he stopped wanting it. The lack of initiating went on far longer than the rejection period did, so the two were not clearly linked in my head.

Respectfully, I don't think that you need help sorting out the "why" as much as you need help completely rebuilding your sexual identity. Why do you have sex when you have it? What about sex is important to you?

Rebuilding implies that there was something built before, and I don't think that's entirely accurate. Before AP, I had only had 1 sexual partner, which was BH. As a result, I don't have a breadth of experience to draw on.

I have sex when I feel wanted. When I feel desired. When I feel like hands and eyes can't be kept off of me. I have it when I'm surprised by affection. I have it when it's preceded by teasing. It's always about want. If I don't feel actively wanted, I have no interest. That's why BH's perceived lack of want had such a huge impact. (Of note: I'm fairly certain my rejection of him was due to a depressive episode that I didn't identify at the time - something I'm coming to realize has happened to me a few times over the years.)

Sex isn't important to me. It never has been, honestly. My sex drive is entirely based on external input - not something inherent to me. I've never "successfully" masturbated. It doesn't even cross my mind. If I never had sex again (provided the feelings of desire were still there), I don't think that would bother me. I clearly have a sexual dysfunction, though that's towards the bottom of my list of issues to work on at the moment.