SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The situation you are currently in is unsustainable. One of you will eventually opt out and seek D. I have the suspicion it will be you because you are not the partner who seems checked out of the relationship. You will need to leave because of the anguish this is causing you.

As a BH myself I cannot really understand what your BH is doing. I have never seen anyone enter into a self imposed state of limbo like this. It is weird. It cannot be healthy for anyone.

Whatever happens I wish you and your BH the best. I personally hope the two of you can find some parity with one another and agree to end the marriage on amicable grounds.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 2:21 PM, February 13th (Tuesday)]

28 pages and I've never commented. Wanna know why? Because you're pissing me off so badly.

"He'll string you along forever like this - why wouldn't he? He doesn't have to confront the reality of losing you if you're always there."

Your dday, may I remind you, was June 2017. That's 8 freaking months ago. And you're upset because he still hasn't found his land-legs yet? You're still wondering why he doesn't hold you, or why there are no promises for the future?

Here's what women who cheat on their husbands don't understand. It NEVER comes back to the way it used to be. Never. It took me 5 years... FIVE YEARS... to come to a new place with my wife following her affair. Had she said the above to me... I would have filed the next day.

So here's my recommendation to you - if you want to reconcile... and I mean REALLY want to reconcile... then never, ever say those words again. Let HIM set the timetable for reconciliation. He deserves that. And if you get to a point where YOU no longer want to wait - then just file immediately and get it over with. But, please, don't for a minute hit him with it's HIS fault because HE couldn't make up his mind. The reason will be plain and simple - because YOU cheated and YOU couldn't wait.

On another note - I want to give you an idea of WHY I was finally, 5 years later, able to move past my wife's affair and reconciliation (to a WAY better marriage, btw) occurred.

My wife finally took her blinders off and came to the realization that the old her was not going to be able to heal what she had done. She needed to become an entirely new person - one that put her husband at the clear forefront of her needs. Here's an idea of what transpired... and maybe you can use a similar approach.

1. My wife sat me down and said, "You are miserable. It's been 5 years. It's time for you to decide if you want this marriage or not. If what I did was too much for you, either file for divorce or tell me to - and I'll do it."

2. She then told me, in no uncertain terms (and for the 500th time), that her affair was the biggest mistake she had ever made. She told me that she would give her life to have her decisions back - but she couldn't. And she had to live with that every single day. She can only make the future better and she was absolutely, 100% committed to doing so.

3. She told me that she wants me to be happy and have a great marriage - to her. And she will do everything... and I mean, everything... to make that happen. No request was too big. Nothing would be turned down.

4. Then she looked me in the eyes and said, "If you want to try, I will begin first thing tomorrow morning. You will have a new wife. I will help comfort you if you're sad since I know that what I did doesn't just go away... but I will fight every moment to make a great life for us." And she went upstairs to go to sleep.

I sat there for probably a half hour. I was free to go either way. Had I been unsure I'd probably be divorced right now. And maybe your husband will be unsure, or unable to commit. When you get to the point where you MUST have an answer from him (and it's more than 8 months, btw), no problem - file for divorce. He doesn't get to simply "string you along" for the rest of his life.

BUT... if he chooses yes - then GIVE IT TO HIM!!

My wife suddenly, almost overnight, became: Sexy, funny, flirty, supportive, communicative, solid in her commitments, clear with her boundaries, totally and 100% transparent. I literally couldn't pull her off me and the sex was, well, mind-boggling.

She literally took me by the shirt collar, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I'm going to MAKE THIS RIGHT IF IT KILLS ME." And then she did it.

That is what you have to do. And if he can't handle it, if he still can't break through, then you divorce. THAT is what is expected of YOU.

I'm sorry... but 8 months is so little time. At 8 months I was still reeling. I still couldn't handle looking at my wife without getting sick to my stomach.

Fight through it. Fight for him. And fight for your marriage.

To me it doesn't seem that you have yet to figure out exactly what that means.

In my opinion, for what its worth. If he really had decided that he wanted you gone, he would have filed. I personally don't think he is 100% sure he wants to leave you.

I miss reading your posts where you had spirit and wanted to fight for you BH. Now you sound like you have given up. I really thought you would fight for him until he had Divorce papers placed in your hand.

Please consider that it isn't over until he tells you to leave. As long as he allows you to stay, you have a chance. I am truly pulling for you. Don't give up, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Find that fighting, pie making self and lift your head up and fight!!

Respect his boundaries, but remember the fight isn't over until he asks you to leave. You can look at is as he is stringing you a long, or you can look at it as an opportunity to prove yourself.

CSCE..

Although Lifeiscrazy's post maybe considered harsh, it felt so right. It has been one of the most forthright, honest and helpful post that you have received.

I would recommended that any remorseful wife read it again, and again, and again.

If you were ever about really wanting the joy of R, remember it was not going to occur over night. It was always going to have been earned.

I appreciated where his wife finally had the balls to take the bull by the horns and take control of it.

I have read other actions in other threads that have been just as successful.

I am a sentimentalist by nature. I am one who hopes the best for your family.

I don't feel heard.

I wasn't asking for advice - just giving an update for those who were curious or concerned.

A lot of the posts lately are of the "cut your losses and pack it in" variety, or the "stick it out because you owe it to him" kind.

I don't relate to either one.

I've come to realize a few important things over the last handful of months:

1) I don't want the kind of relationship I had before. We failed each other, and it wasn't good for either of us, in the end. We both deserve better than what was.

2) To have a chance, we both have to change. I think we are capable, but I'm not sure about his willingness. That's not for me to determine, however.

3) My only choice at the moment is status quo or go, and there is very little for me in the status quo. Choosing to stay is putting my faith in a future that may never come. I am choosing status quo, for now, and I will stop when I am no longer willing to subsist on faith (regardless of when that is - I refuse to be shamed by that).

4) My feelings matter. I will not let anyone make me feel as though they don't, anymore. Not him unwittingly dismissing them, not with the oft-repeated refrain of "how do you think he feels?", and most of all not myself stuffing them into the darkest corner I can find. I'm allowed my feelings. I'm entitled to my truth. I have broken myself down over this, countless times since June 30, 2017. I have crumbled under the weight of self doubt and disgust. I will not allow my reality to be trodden upon. I will not be told I'm weak when I've been forged by fire. I will not be made to feel as though I'm less-than because I cracked. To build something you must start with pieces, and I'm building.

I am growing into myself. It's messy and complicated, and it can involve some navel-gazing. I am in the act of becoming, not just surviving, and I'm proud of that.

For the people that want to accompany me on that journey, you're all welcome and I'll post periodically with updates to keep you informed. Thoughtful comments are always appreciated.

I haven't posted much recently, but I've paid attention, and you are certainly heard by me. At the end of the day, you need to live your life. The choices are yours, as are the consequences. I tell my daughter something a lot, so I hope it doesn't come across as paternal.

It's better for you to live your own mistakes than it is to live someone else's success.

Whatever your choices, I hope you learn and grow, and that you can find peace. We're always here.

CECS,

I don’t what advice I’d give to you. I don’t know what I think of your situation. I guess I’d say, wait for as long as you want to. There’s good reason to...your in IC and doing some serious self reflection. I know you said previously that you’d move to your home state if it came to divorce, and that would mean a new IC...so spend this time focussed on healing and repairing those processes that brought you to this point - with an IC you trust and understands your history and current situation.

Secondly, since you’re in a limbo of sorts, I’d update with what you’re learning about you in IC. Without the complications of R, (because it truly is a struggle in the first few years) - now you can throw yourself into CECS v.2.0. So endeavour to update us about that...your revelations, your thought processes and what this new self awareness means to you and how it impacts your new reality.

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:56 AM, February 19th (Monday)]

sorry csce, read your reality wrong.

My bad.

Seems you have hit the wall. Depression seems to be also settling in.

From here on in, you need to look after yourself girl.

Good sleep is paramount. See the doc. if you need short time help.

Lots of fresh fruits and vege's. Keep away from fatty foods. Vit. C and B complex. And Hydrate.

Another thing you should seriously consider. Taking a breather from your situation.

Do you have access to sick/stress leave from work.

If you do, take some. 2 weeks would be ideal. Head to your family were you can get hopefully lots of tlc. Where you can recharge. Mum and Dad would be best, or a sibling or an aunt/uncle who can share quality time with you.

You will then be able to see more clearly the path you want to take to give you ultimate happiness.

I know that your family is miles away but the benefits from this will far out way the cost. And dont be afraid to ask for help. Its important.

Being in the best frame of mind for your next step is crucial.

Finally, some times we need to just put one foot forward at a time. Even when you seem to be stepping into the dark. Its not until you do this that other paths seem to show.

CSCE, checking on you.

You don’t have to justify your choices with regard to you and LJ’s living situation. Just hoping you are okay.

Just checking on you. Hoping you are finding peace where ever you can. God bless.

Hi CSCE it’s been a long time since we’ve heard from you, how is the Room Mates thing going ? Hope your well !

Hope you are doing ok CSCE.

"I will not be told I'm weak when I've been forged by fire. I will not be made to feel as though I'm less-than because I cracked. To build something you must start with pieces, and I'm building."

The most inspirational thing I've read in a long time, for BS and WS alike. Thank you for sharing - I've put it up on my notice board to remind me to keep on building. Me. Us. Family. The life I want. So, again, thank you.

CSCE.. How are you doing? Hope things are better, and that you are finding peace. You were a bright spark in a sometimes dismal place. Hope you are finding peace.