SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Acceptance is huge, on both ends.

For you, it can only be liberating. And not having any expectations sets you up emotionally to be okay if and when things end, or to be thrilled when things somehow find a way to work out. Kind of like one of those "expect the worst, hope for the best" type of deals. And keep in mind that "the worst" isn't the end of the world and that you'll still have a good life (and as an improved person, at that).

I'm very pleased to see that your mindset has improved.

You stayed with it too the end . . . you can ask no more of yourself. You got to say goodbye to what was. You deserve a restful period of peace and letting go (as does your husband). You are choosing to stay for now, but whatever occurs, it will be part of the new. I get the feeling the old has died. Whatever the new will be . . . together or apart, I hope it's every bit as good, or better, than the best of the old, and I sincerely hope it never gets as bad as the worst of the old. It seems weird to say it now, but it really applies as a sincere wish - Happy New Year.

Dup Post

[This message edited by c24j at 1:52 AM, January 9th (Tuesday)]

I recommend that neither of you date other people while this roommate arrangement is going on.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 2:29 PM, January 9th (Tuesday)]

You’re really suggested that someone who dated while she was married go to her betrayed and suggest fidelity during the dissolution of the marriage?

While it may seem nice on paper the optics on that are terrible.

Firstly, I'm going to switch from saying "BH" to "LJ" - I hope it doesn't confuse anyone, but it feels like the right move.

Secondly, to alleviate confusion: We will not be dating. Neither of us are looking for other relationships, and I'm confident the "arrangement" would be dissolved if/when that were to change. It will likely resolve itself well before dating others enters the picture - I suspect the most likely scenario is that I will get to a point where I have to move on, and he won't have moved much in any direction. It's what I'm most afraid of.

Thirdly, this (and likely most of my upcoming posts) will be be a bit all over the place. My mind is borderline incoherent these days, so I apologize in advance.

Part of me says, "he'll string you along forever like this - why wouldn't he? He doesn't have to confront the reality of losing you if you're always there."

Part of me says, "it's stupid to keep pouring yourself into this. Delusional. Just bite the bullet, cut your losses, and let both of you move on."

But they are met with responses of "he's making his own hard choices, and has grown so much," "we've both come so far, what's the rush?", and "all he's asking for is time - he deserves a bit of time".

It's easy to say "leave", and I'm getting it a lot - hell, sometimes between my own ears. I know he has, too. But he hasn't left, and I haven't, because it isn't easy to *do*. It's so much harder than it seems, especially when it feels like failure, or giving up, or turning your back. Especially when there's still real love there, despite it all. Especially when you're not ready to go, whatever the reason.

It's hard. I struggle every day, wondering what I should do - worrying about what's best. Sometimes the idea of picking up and starting over feels inevitable, and sometimes it seems preposterous. Some days, I am paralyzed by the thought that he'll never be able to touch me without feeling disgust. Some days I get swallowed up by the fear that I'll never overcome what got me here.

I don't know what's right, but I know I can always leave tomorrow. So can he. Every day, it's a new choice - for both of us.

Tonight, he triggered. I guess more truthfully we both did. Movies and TV are veritable minefields now, and they're worse because I can't comfort him, and can't expect to be comforted by him - I hate it. I hate that I brought this into our lives. I hate that I defiled our memories and pawned our future. I hate everything about me that allowed me to do it.

I don't feel shame much anymore, but I still get extremely angry with myself on a regular basis. I don't know if I'd call that progress, honestly. I still have so much work to do...

Look, common wisdom here is that this is and will always be a large stumbling block, the elephant in the room, the default excuse for his anger, going forward. You fucked him over, and regardless of what he decides to do, you both have to accept it. But the reality is, fucking him over doesn’t remove the love that was there, and still is very much real. Hell, I still love my EXw (to some much smaller degree)even 8 years after she betrayed me, and I became an MH.

Her infidelity just conflicted my feelings toward her instead of letting them be pure. The Love was pushed back by anger, my kindness was pushed back by disrespect, my desire to provide and nurture was pushed back by emasculation. Confliction across the board.

I know you want to be with him, but get the feeling that since you are the betrayer, you will emotionally heal long before he does, whether you leave or don’t. That’s not right. Why don’t you take this time to let HIM decide what he needs to be happy, and sit on the sidelines for now? Look if your actually sorry you can atone for what you did. Don’t date anyone else for a while. Let him be free to figure out if you are what’s best for him. Let him go out and date, set a relatively firm date for When to pull the plug, but if he comes back to you after discovering that he doesn’t want anyone else, you get him back, and he won’t feel that the scales are so tipped in your favor if he too experiences freedom openly and honestly.

Right now he is just reeling from the hurt and injustice Of it all.

If he can get to a place of acceptance and understanding, he may want to stay with you. But he needs to confidently know you are his best bet, after a year where you showed him he wasn’t yours. Why don’t you two cohabitate as seperated, let him explore his options and come to a conclusion, at which point you will have finality. It may very well be in favor of saving the M, or may be divorce, but it’s better than being stuck in this uncomfortable awkward limbo you’re in. How hard would it be for you to stay faithful for to him while separated, and let him come to his conclusion? It feels as if this is something a WS who is actually remorseful would instinctually do, and you just may get your husband back.

I am not going to give you any advice on what you should do in this situation. Based on what you said, I think that you have a good idea of what the pitfalls of this situation might be. Your choices are yours alone, and your consequences are yours alone.

One note on something you said.

I still have so much work to do...

I feel like I have been successful a couple of times in getting you to change your perspective on your situation. I hope to do the same here.

You do have a lot of work to do. We all (every human) have a lot of work to do, no matter our path. You are doing your work, and that is great, but there isn't a finite amount of work to be done for any of us.

There is no finish line for you, or me, or anyone. People that look at their world that way are limiting themselves and their experiences. I think back to the person I was at 33 (my first experience with infidelity from my WW) and since then I have changed, and my life has changed so much. In November 2008 I never could have guessed what I'd go through over the course of the next nine years, or how it would shape me. I suffered a lot with a toxic partner, but I value even that experience because I wouldn't have been ready for the next step if I'd left then. There is no regret because I am happy with who I am now. Over the past 18 months (when the marriage started circling the drain) I have reconnected with friends, met new ones, smiled, laughed, played, and said yes to almost every opportunity.

At 42 I find myself anticipating what my next 9 years of growth looks like. I can only assume I will be as different after these upcoming nine years as I was after the last. What new music will I love, what new friends will I meet, what new passions will I discover? Will I finally work on my guitar enough to play a live show?

Growth isn't a straight line, and hopefully it's a line that never ends.

My greatest hope is that I find someone to go on this journey with, and that I mean enough to them that the mistakes I make matter. That's the win for me.

CSCE .........it's good to hear from you. NM

Part of me says, "he'll string you along forever like this - why wouldn't he? He doesn't have to confront the reality of losing you if you're always there."

Seems almost apropos that the cake eater becomes just another slice of cake for the BH/LJ.

Your LJ does not feel like he is your first choice.

If you were in his shoes, what could he do to make you feel that you were really his first choice?

yes, you could tell him, but actions speak so much louder than words. find a way to show him that he is your first and only choice.

He would really feel more pain if after you left, you married the OM. Can you show him that the OM is not even an option?

Does he still think about the OM and the A? I do every day. married for 43 years. now just wanting to die.

you know him after so many years. What would show him that you want whatever he will give you? If he is your only choice, make it a better future for both of you. Sex is a big thing for men. I do not know about women.

Can you somehow show him that the best sex you ever had was with him? will he let you do that?

Marriage is just a piece of paper. the relationship is ill. Dr. CSCE, what does LJ desire or need to get better?

You can tell him he is better, and show him he is your only one. You know how to put him first. What is the medicene you have for LJ?

I am hopeless, always hoping for a happy ending. Hope you and he get a good one. Show him that you are the best thing he could ever have in his life.

[This message edited by Jorge at 11:37 AM, January 12th (Friday)]

Once again - CSCE and LJ don’t read each other’s posts and have asked that we respect that and not disclose what they’ve said on the boards in each other’s threads. Especially not in bold font.

Jorge, I don’t think the fact that it came from a thread other than the one he started matters?

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 10:35 AM, January 12th (Friday)]

csce you ok. just checking.reach out if you need help.

Hi CSCE.

I just waned to say that my heart goes out to you and I also want to encourage you not to give up hope.

I’m 2 and a half years out from when my husband discovered my affair and we’ve seriously talked about divorce on and off so many times. This past summer we had a very serious discussion about it. He ultimately didn’t go through with it, but it was a real possibility.

After DDay my BH didn’t want to touch me either and we didn’t have sex until something like 7 months later. It’s horrible and gut wrenching (I just wanted to be held so many times) and it’s easy to lose hope. Please don’t.

As a reminder, here’s what you wrote in your first post in this thread.

However, if R is even a minuscule option, I want to make sure I've done everything I can -- exhausted every option -- before giving up. If this whole fiasco has taught me anything, it's that he's worth fighting for.

So fight. Your husband is paying attention to what you’ll do now. My husband told me that what made him stick it out for so long and through so many hard times was that he watched me. He watched me work on myself and on us. I didn't give up hope, even though I didn’t deserve to have any. Show your husband that you are committed to him. I don’t mean to be a doormat and let him string you along forever, but don’t you want make sure you’ve done everything you could? He’s working through his feelings. Be there for him. Show him that you’re willing to give him what he needs but you also aren’t giving up on the two of you.

CSCE:

I don't know if you have seen the greatest showman but I loved it. Here is another anthem for you. The show has great inspirational music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

Bump

Hi all -

Sorry I've been quiet. I find myself at a loss for words.

There's no R right now. It's just - day to day life. As if all the ties of obligation between us have been severed. There are others that are still intact, but it's different. It's hard to explain, and I am not sure I have the energy to do it justice.

We discuss our plans as a courtesy with each other, not as though the other has any real right to input. We occasionally do things together, but there's a distance when we do. We talk, but keep the heavy stuff to ourselves. There's no "we" when we speak. Our future is on hold.

In the meantime, I've been working on untangling myself from my complexes, which is harder than I could have ever imagined. IC is my focus, and between 2 sessions a week and regular homework, it keeps me busy.

I'll try to check in here more regularly, but I don't think I'll have as many updates as I used to - there's simply not much to say, right now.

CSCE,

While I am glad that you checked in and that you are still working with your IC to become whole, your update makes me sad. It’s not unexpected - this is what you shared would bethe case, that you two were not reconciling but just planning to coexist - but it’s still sad to me. It feels like a depressing version of a roommate situation only with history and baggage —‘and with no guarantees. I’m not judging you, believe me. My situation is messed up too...I’m the last one to throw stones. But it just seems like you’re currently living half a life. Maybe this time in figurative purgatory will result in something better later. I can’t foresee what will be. I just know it sounds unhappy and somewhat unhealthy now - but maybe that’s a temporary part of he journey. I don’t know enough to advise. I’m just sorry. And I’m sending strength.

I'm happy that you checked in.

Wishing you peace and healing.