SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm struggling. My heart feels like it's being wrung out - twisted so tightly I can't breathe. The ground feels like it's opened up under my feet, ready to swallow me whole. I've never felt so alone.

I suspect your H felt much the same way when he found out about your affair.

Sorry but he did give it time and think this through. An amicable split as you can muster would be best at this time.

This has forever changed you both but you now have to move on with your life the best you can.

Good luck to you both.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:17 PM, December 31st (Sunday)]

I feel like I'm in an MC Escher staircase version of purgatory. I think I'm making progress and getting somewhere, only to find out that for all my efforts I'm actually right back where I started...

I want you to understand something. You are NOT back where you started. This is a consequence of a series of bad decisions that you can't go back and change.

There isn't much that I can say to make you feel better about this. It is painful, and it is going to be hard. Grieve for your loss. Give your BH the respect of a peaceful divorce process. Be fair and equitable. Show him the kindness and grace that he deserves.

BUT! Respect yourself and how far you have come. Your life will change, but it will not be defined by your mistakes. Our errors in judgment deliver us the humility to define who we become.

Our lives are enriched by those we choose to accompany us on our journey, but they aren't why we are here. Setting aside morality, perhaps this is the bottom that you needed to hit to live the life that you are meant to live.

Take some time to be sad, but then get back on your horse and live boldly and authentically. Your first steps out of the lowest point of your life have been courageous, keep taking them!

Hi can’t,

I’ve been on this site for 11 years (lost my old login). I haven’t posted in ages, but I felt compelled to talk to you.

I was you.

37 times.

That’s how many times my H told me he wanted a divorce in the span of the first 2 years. Officially. With me actually leaving the house.

Sometimes saying it feels good. A decision finally one way or the other.

But he never acted on it. Not once.

Hold your head up high. What he is describing won’t work for you because you want a relationship, not a live in roommate. It’s okay to stand up and say no. It really is. You are worth it. You are allowed to say something won’t work for you.

At some point in the rage my H wanted me to promise I wouldn’t want to have kids. That I would promise to stay with him even if he didn’t want kids.

I refused to promise this. It was a HUGE issue but it was my hill so to speak. (We now have a 6 year old son)

If he’s done, then he’s done. Let him get the paperwork started. But communicate to him that this is not what you want, and that you won’t live as roommates (unhealthy).

You deserve to be happy. Yes you really do.

Sorry for the terrible news.

But I do see a glimmer of hope.

He talked about "roommates". You and he have had some dates recently. You have come so far.

He has left an opening. If you want it, take the opening.

You captured his heart in the past. Yes, it is broken, but with your efforts now, you can fix this. You had a relationship for a long time before marriage. No he is not ready to date, but with your relationship, he may soon be ready to date you.

Sometimes, he has to have this step to help with his shattered self-esteem.

If you want this opening, take it. You have it in you to take advantage of the opening and continue to help him heal.

Hope you and he find some happiness in 2018.

He hasn’t given you enough information about the whole “live as roommates” thing for me to know what to think of it. I do have questions, though. Is it because his pride won’t allow him to remain married to you, but at the same time he still wants you nearby/doesn’t want to let you go? Is it to avoid having to sell the home? Does roommates mean just that - roommates? Or is there going to be sex involved at some point? (You’re two adults living in the same home who have obviously had sex with one another before; someone will want sex again at some point.)

There’s a big difference between 1) leaving open a very real possibility of slowly re-entering one another’s life in a new, healthy way, with a new start and 2) living in limbo with no real goals, no real direction, and no real relationship.

But it’s still early for him. It’s hard to know what this whole thing would look like and if it would be healthy or make sense for either of you.

His feelings matter. But yours do too.

Don’t fall into thaf place of no feeling and detaching, CSCE. I know it’s easier said than done. But you’ve come so far from that person. I realize you’re in a world of hurt. But please don’t let your pain take you there. It’s familiar, it’s easy - and it’s wrong for you. It doesn’t help you, even though it might feel almost instinctive.

Again, I’m sorry.

You have been holding on to hope for a long time. You have shown true remorse. You have been working on your self to the nth degree. You have to let go of the outcome as it is out of your hands (not necessarily the end of your relationship, just that he has control).

The roommates thing would be degrading and seems a cruel suggestion with him knowing your state of mind. You may need to move out, and let him see what divorce would really mean.

You are a strong, intelligent, and expressive woman. Your life is not over, and you can be happy again. Retain your dignity.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 5:54 PM, January 1st (Monday)]

CECS,

I could be so off here but, I truly believe he wants to be with you.

The marriage, to him, ended with the affair. He likely feels that he has to officially end it to move on.

His move on tho, I believe he wants with you which is why he wants the roommates scenario.

You’re in a tough place here. Heartbroken and not knowing your future. Give him time. At least the same amount of time you took with your affair. If, after a year there’s no movement, then you can rethink your future by yourself.

I think he’s earned some time here from you. It may be painful and suck at times, but it may lead to a new relationship and a new future together.

What do you have to lose?

Your profile indicates some sort of a relationship status for 10 years before you two agreed to marriage 3 years ago. Is this not married but roommates status a return back to the previous status before you two were married?

[This message edited by QuietDan at 8:00 PM, January 1st (Monday)]

Sorry for the bad news.

This ordeal has made you a much better person, and you should be proud of that.

You are the one living your life, so any advice we give you is based on scant facts; please forgive me if I'm off base. At this stage, I think you should move on. Your affair caused an unhealthy dynamic in your marriage; you are understandably trying to show your remorse to your husband and he wants you to show it, while at the same time he has been avoiding you and not giving you the chance to show said remorse.

I don't see how the "roommates" situation will improve on the above. If (and it sounds like a remote "if" now) your husband will change his tune, it's hard to imagine it will come from living with you.

You should look ahead and capitalize the person you have become. Doing everything he asked from you has not worked in your favor. Now it's the time to detach and rebuild your confidence and your life. It might be the case that separating from your husband shows him that he actually needs you and want to, but you should not have this as your main goal.

[This message edited by sensibletinch at 12:28 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Your battle now is against the feeling of nothingness that you described. It offers numbness to pain, but (if it's what I suspect) no joy, or any appreciation of overcoming challenges either. I think it's okay (and sometimes safer) to let that feeling live on the outside . . . but maybe better not to let it take over the inside.

I know the words must seem empty at the moment, but stay strong, just try to accept things as they come and don't worry about the future (other than that necessary for survival). Everyone here wants the best for you both for 2018 and beyond. Please do something, anything, to give yourself a good moment (or five) every day!!

What does he say about this ongoing roommates situation? Does he have some idea on how this might work? What if you want to date someone else? Or he does?

I am strongly against the idea of continuing your relationship after divorce in this way. It's like all of the negativity and tension of a post-affair marriage except with none of the the reconciliation or recovery. It sounds horrible and unhealthy.

He has every right to call it quits on your marriage after your affair. Truth told. at this point of my life, I wouldn't ever reconcile after another affair of any kind.

That said, you aren't beholden to him forever because of your affair. You deserve happiness and peace just as he does, even if it isn't with each other.

I am just not seeing any positive for you to stay in a situation like this.

CSCE - I'm saddened by the news. I, like others here have sat shotgun with you at the wheel and have witnessed first hand, your weakness and your courage and strength. My wife saw my response to your post and asked me what happened. I just shook my head no silently in sorrow and incapable of answering her. She understood.

Needless to say, I remain resolute in my belief that someone will reap the benefits of your personal restoration and may not ever know how fortunate they are to have you. I stated a couple weeks ago, that your next husband will find a flawed, (just like all of us), but strong woman who has had to reflect upon herself like few have the courage to undertake. As you contemplate how the two of you will move forward, you may want to first, renew your efforts to get your BS into counseling.

My concern at this point and the sole purpose of this post is the prospect of him going untreated or under-treated with counseling. I looked back in this thread and only read the first three pages of his , and I'm not seeing where counseling has taken place with the exception of a short lived effort by him in the early stages. Being victimized by a LTA is immensely painful as you have remorsefully acknowledged. I was quite hesitant to post this, knowing you are already in pain, however I also believe that you love him and want what's best for him.

I would think at this point, it would be to help him dedicate himself to coming to grips and understanding the devastating impact over the past 1.5 years. I tore my Achilles tendon 15 years ago and didn't complete therapy. As a result, I'm incapable of physically moving without favoring the atrophied muscle that was not healed properly. The same thing could happen to LJ if he doesn't deal with this.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:52 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Jorge, FYI, they've been going out of their way not to read each other's posts and have asked people not to cross-post about the other's posts.

Thank you. I revise it.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:53 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thinking of you CSCE. Don’t feel pressured to post until you’re ready. But please keep fighting the urge to be overcome with the numbness for too long. I say this because while I recognize sometimes things seem to be too much for us to handle, you specifically recognized - and worked hard to address - many of the thought patterns and coping mechanisms you’d developed over the years that had proven to be unhealthy. Hard times tend to draw us back to those old ways, but you don’t need to live there any longer. You’re better than that.

So sorry.

CSCE there was a post on here that I read that you might want to consider. The poster said that he invited his BW out for dinner. Informed that it was not a date, just time out for each other. He continued doing that for awhile and their relationship improved, and now they are both working on R. Perhaps try that with your BS. Advise him that there has been so much tension/ill feeling and that lets just go out and have dinner. No expectations,Not a date etc.. but just to have dinner. One step at a time.

As has also been stated, look after yourself. Continually do the best you can in whatever you do. When you can, spend time helping others. Do not let this dark time in your life define who you are. When you do, and be the best person that you can, it will produce the best results for you.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support through this difficult time.

Life has been oddly good since the 31st, especially when compared with the turmoil in my head. The declaration has clearly eased BH's mind, as a result he's let me ever so slightly closer - as opposed to the drawing away that I was bracing for. (Still bracing, though.)

We aren't doing the check-ins anymore, which I'm saddened by, but which has given us more time to just be us, which I like. I'm also not telling him all of my comings and goings, other than out of courtesy (at his request). It's taken a lot of pressure off, which I have to admit is a welcome respite from the crushing expectations of trying to fix something so horribly mangled. Our relationship feels the most normal it has in 6 months, even as it's being laid to rest.

I don't know what I'm going to do. On the 31st, I didn't think I could do what he was proposing - it brought me to near hysterics thinking about signing on for a "maybe sometime". But as I got to thinking, I realized I'm not ready to go, yet, which ultimately is all that matters. And he clearly isn't ready for me to go, either, if he wants us to retain co-ownership of the house and continue living together even after the divorce is filed (which it hasn't been, yet). So for now, I'm not going. I can't guarantee I'll feel the same a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now - But today, I choose to stay, and in a way so has he. The rest is a bridge we'll cross when we come to it, and I've told him as much. I won't let this arrangement keep me from living my life, but for now, my life is still here.

When the roommate setup feels like it's holding me back, I'll leave, but not before. It's going to be messy and painful as we navigate these uncharted waters, but at least it will be on a path of our own choosing.

With the future of the marriage off the table, we are both free to focus on our ourselves and making ourselves better people. Maybe those people can find a way back to each other, or maybe they can help each other move on with grace. Only time will tell, but for now I have more than enough on my plate with the present - worries about the future will have to wait.

He and I have a joint IC session scheduled for the 15th (at my request) to hopefully sort out some of the details. I'm hoping it will help me get a stronger foothold in this new reality. I don't know what to expect, and so far nothing has aligned with my expectations. I am toying with the idea of requesting a co-IC session every few months for however long the cohabitation continues, to make sure we touch base honestly and openly about our situation and don't get stuck going nowhere.

I'm still working through a lot, obviously, and will be back as soon as I have something coherent to say (and the energy/strength to say it). In the meantime, I appreciate each and every one of your kind words - thank you all so much for them - they mean a lot to me.

CACS,

I'm a BS who has been reading along with your thread, but haven't commented before.

I wanted to tell you this-- it really wasn't until I let go of my marriage completely that I could think about saving it. I had WS move out, to a property we own only about 5 minutes away... We created a co-parenting plan for our 3 small children and we separated in every sense of the word. I didn't track his whereabouts-- didn't care to, and I didn't worry about what work he was or wasn't doing in IC. I didn't worry or obsess over if he was seeing OW or how he was spending his time when I had the kids. I simply claimed my life back as mine, and I started working on my own future and the future of my children. I didn't file for divorce (per advice of an attny) for reasons that don't matter here, but that's the direction in which I was heading. I gave up, because I couldn't see recourse, I couldn't see how I'd ever respect myself again if I stayed, and I couldn't see the light at the end of that tunnel. I could see happiness again, but not with WS.

After the separation, after I totally let go, 2 things happened. The first-- WS dove into IC and working on himself in ways he hadn't before. He had been trying to do the work, but something about the "pressure" being off of him allowed him to go much deeper and to make much more significant progress in a short amount of time. Was it the threat of losing his family? Maybe, but I think he was pretty convinced he'd already lost us. It really seemed like the pressure of doing every thing right with no missteps somehow kept him too tense to dig deep. With that pressure valve turned down, the looking inward was able to intensify. [I'm NOT saying this ideal, just that this is how it went for us].

The second thing was that as the BS, I actually started to heal. Without the constant worry and obsessing about his affair and about what I would do , I had the space to think about healing and my future differently. Don't get me wrong-- I still thought about the affair and the betrayal A LOT. But I had space for other things, too.

I could see myself being happy again, and I could see that while this situation shattered me, I had grown immensely as a person in the midst of this mess. Slowly, my anger/hurt decreased.

We both remained on our parallel tracks, updating the other and chatting occasionally (again, we have 3 small children, and were VERY committed to co-parenting well) about "us." With time, I began to see reconciliation as a possibility again. And now, after 7 months of separation, I committed to R.

I tell you this just to say-- I think him wanting to keep living together is a sign of hope. It turns out I didn't need the divorce paperwork signed, but I DID need the assumption of divorce. I needed the steps to get there and the co-parenting agreement and the SPACE from the tracking and obsessing. I didn't just need to be willing to lose the marriage to save it, I DID need to lose the marriage to save it.

It may not be the typical path to R, but for me and WS, and for our children, it may have saved our family.

I think joint IC sessions and open lines of communication are the way to go. Even if it ends in D and in you two eventually choosing to move on without the other, my guess is it won't feel as suffocating or excruciating to both of you as it has these last few months. Best of luck in your continued growth!

You sound like you are at peace with where you are now, and I think that's a good thing.

When the roommate setup feels like it's holding me back, I'll leave, but not before.

I hope that you understand this for what it is, and what it isn't. I am worried that the CSCE that is still trying to fix things will become beholden to a person and situation that is no longer good, right or healthy for her.

I am not going to tell you to stay, or go. Your choices and your consequences are yours alone. I am going to say that I hope in your efforts to repair your past, you don't mortgage your future.

If nothing else, I am happy that you've found some peace, no matter the circumstance.

CECS,

You are an amazing person. I wish we knew each other IRL. I'd take you out to Starbucks for a Caramel machiatto (sp?)

I agree with xhz, you sound strong. We're here for you as you go forward....You have a lot to offer our membership and I hope you stick around to offer guidance no matter how the future unfolds. Sending out vibes of deep respect and well wishes...