SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Skerzoid - Thank you. It means a lot (as do the quotes!). They really help on the difficult days.

You've done as much as any human can.

He knows you love him, despite the A.

Let it be, and just hope for the best

[This message edited by parent4 at 7:01 PM, November 29th (Wednesday)]

Parent4 - This is hard advice for me to take, but I'm going to try. Spinning my wheels is getting me nowhere other than exhausted.

On the bright side - he invited me to another movie tomorrow night (Lady Bird)! It might only be because he feels bad for being gone without me all weekend, but it doesn't matter - I'm looking forward to it either way.

Things feel a little different the last couple of weeks, but I'm scared to acknowledge them.

Small things - nothing big enough to even warrant mentioning - but enough of them that I'm off balance.

As an example: His mom texted me a picture of their Christmas tree, tonight. Not only am I shocked she's choosing to engage with me at all (let alone pleasantly), but I don't think she's ever done that before, in the almost 14 years we've been together. I have no idea what it means, but I like it.

Just when I feel like I can't manage to hope any more, something like this happens and my attitude is turned on its head.

This rollercoaster is one crazy ride.

Thank his mother sincerely, and look into your husband's eyes authoritatively and tell him that you love him.

No groveling.

Authoritatively.

Edited for error.

[This message edited by parent4 at 10:17 AM, November 30th (Thursday)]

CSCE: When you have a down day, DO NOT let Journey find out about it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBEXSiFzOfU

Thanks Skerzoid - Do you happen to have any more "hang in there" type quotes laying around? I could use one or two, right now.

CSCE:

The holidays are a downer when you are alone. I believe in your heart. No matter what.

I always believe in the power of music to inspire. I always made highlight films for my teams when they were going out to face a challenge that they were going to meet that seemed insurmountable.

Heres one that reminds me of you fighting your self doubt and the thoughts that set you up for this. Watch it when you need a lift.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8

Here's another that will speak to you also. CSCE, you have to believe in your own self worth, no matter what. I have seen few that have shown such strength in the face of despair. Keep your chin up and prepare yourself for victory no matter the outcome of your present challenge.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

What about this, CSCE...

Or this one...

Or this one...

Tseratievig, skerzoid, and Joypursuit - thank you all so much. I really needed it.

I don't know how to explain what I'm going through right now. I feel like I'm going crazy. The "running clock" has me wound like a spring, and the tension is exhausting.

It came to light in IC today that I have abandonment issues - not because I fear being alone, but because the act of being left sends my insecurities, self-worth issues and negative self-talk into overdrive. ("Of course they left - they never liked you all that much to begin with. What's there to like? They just finally figured out you're a fraud. It was bound to happen eventually. If you had been better and tried harder, this wouldn't have happened.")

Trying to manage the possibility of impending abandonment while still functioning as a person is turning out to be extremely difficult for me.

Which then leads me to beat myself up because if this is the end, I don't want to waste it by being all moody!

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense - I apologize if it's nonsensical babbling. My head and my heart are jumbled up into a painful knot these days, which makes my thinking less clear and my emotions more volatile.

People on SI can be sooo neat!!! I love those messages!!! Here's a few more if you're up for 'em . . .

"Let perseverance be your engine and hope be you fuel" --Jackson Brown Jr.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength."--Corrie Ten Boom

On a lighter note (on hanging in there) from the SNL football option - "When the going gets tough, the tough sustain a groin injury."

I also liked a button my son wore . . .

"Whatever doesn't kill me can kiss my injured ass!'

I've always liked the Tao Te Ching when I need to calm down or hang on. The message is along the lines of what parent4 said.

-- Do you have the patience to wait

till your mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving

till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.

Not seeking, not expecting,

she is present, and can welcome all things.

There are many others . . . including a few that encourage one to be like water . . .

-- The highest good is like Water. Water gives life to all things yet does not strive. It flows in places men reject. Water is like the Tao.

Water is the gentlest thing, yet it eventually wears away the hardest rock.

. . . It always helped me with patience, anyway.

Your husband asked you to another movie . . . along with what his mother-in-law did, maybe let each of those actions speak . . .

"All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less that a single lovely action." – James Russell Lowell

Just saw your post after I posted.

Which then leads me to beat myself up because if this is the end, I don't want to waste it by being all moody!

1 - Not all changes in direction, or starts in a new direction, are necessarily end-points. You may see what seems like and end, and you may have to adapt . . . but it may just be that your favorite show is on hiatus.

2 - Don't worry about being moody . . . sometimes I think stability is overrated.

[This message edited by c24j at 1:24 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

CSCE:

"Tseratievig, skerzoid, and Joypursuit - thank you all so much. I really needed it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79DijItQXMM

And if you will bear with me I think this one will speak volumes to you for, "your past doesn't define you." Watch to the end

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4QuKwfv6Wk

It came to light in IC today that I have abandonment issues - not because I fear being alone, but because the act of being left sends my insecurities, self-worth issues and negative self-talk into overdrive. ("Of course they left - they never liked you all that much to begin with. What's there to like? They just finally figured out you're a fraud. It was bound to happen eventually. If you had been better and tried harder, this wouldn't have happened.")

I think that if there are many W's on here that DON'T have abandonment issues of some sort, I'd be surprised. Self-esteem issues (and by proxy abandonment) are major factors with infidelity.

It's ironic that the affair itself in most cases is what causes the end of the relationship. The emotional feedback that you get from the attention of the affair only quiets that hunger for so long, and only for a little bit. If you get to the bottom of your abandonment issues, you will get to the bottom of a lot of things.

You need to truly come to terms with your own value, and accept yourself for who you are. I think that you are on a good path. Keep moving forward, not for your relationship, but for you.

As an example: His mom texted me a picture of their Christmas tree, tonight. Not only am I shocked she's choosing to engage with me at all (let alone pleasantly), but I don't think she's ever done that before, in the almost 14 years we've been together. I have no idea what it means, but I like it.

Mom's follow there son's lead, sometimes even whey they shouldn't. This may be a clue that your husband has spoken favorably, positively or even glowingly about you, even if his actions towards you suggests otherwise. Considering her track record, I think this is a significant development. Admittedly I'm biased, (I greatly hope for reconciliation), but the basis of my thinking isn't a stretch by any means. Just enjoy each day as it comes, as you have.

Not much to update, but this week I'm feeling...stable.

The pressure and anxiety haven't been quite so bad, though there have been ups and downs.

BH's birthday is a week from today. I usually make him an elaborate, themed birthday cake, but this year he doesn't want anything. It saddens me that because of my awful choices he is being robbed of a birthday (in addition to everything else). He says he doesn't feel like celebrating and that it feels too intimate. He knows I got him a present, and seems ok with that, though... So I guess that's something? I'm going to text his mom and make sure they have something planned (I'm sure they do), so at least he'll get a chance to celebrate with them when he's home.

I've joined a Self-Compassion workshop for the month of December, which I'm excited about. I hope it helps.

I'm so thankful for the support and advice I've received here over the last few months - thank you all for donating your time to helping me navigate the mess I've made. I don't know where this path leads, but I have faith it will be ok.

Thanks for the update, and the self compassion group sounds good.

CSCE:

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Old Chinese Proverb (Those old Chinese seemed to be full of proverbs).

And my favorite poem from The Lord of the Rings -

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet.