As for the way I feel about my wife right now, I'm in my own haze still, just like the affair fog.
I know what you are talking about. I was in my own BS fog in my past situation early after my own Dday as well. With regard to exit affairs, you did the same things as I, and many other members here where their own Ddays and subsequent "pick me dance" phases occurred. We all bent over backwards trying to fix what we thought was wrong without realizing what actually was going on in the first place.
Again, what you have is an exit affair. Your WW and the OM has had a LOT of time to plan this out together. They've planned and how to justify leaving their marriages. Hell, they've practiced their rationalizations on each other for some time as they convinced each other why they should...no, DESERVE to step over the boundaries and engage in an affair together. They've had time to plan for exposure, you and the OBS's own Dday. I'm betting you discovering and exposing the A had hampered their original timing to leave and that the OM wasn't ready (they almost never are) and is panicking and your WW has been trying to calm his shit down ever since.
My story is almost word for word just like yours -
My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs, and have two children together. About 2-3months ago, she started going out more, but said it was with friends. Sometimes I would drop her off, others she would just drive on her own. i also went out with my friends, and we never really worried about it each. There were no trust issues in my mind. Even though she was out with friends, I never asked her with who and what they were doing, although we did talk a little about what they did when we would get home and who was there.
My XW and I were married 17yrs, also with two kids. It was about 3 months when my then WW started ramping up the GNO's. I had no trust issues with here either, I never asked my then WW for details...because she gave them to me. As a cover story so I wouldn't suspect.
About 4 weeks ago, I noticed that she was more distant. She changed the passcode to her cell, and had some calls in her car. That same weekend, she told me that she does not love me anymore, and that she feels like she has a void. Totally took me by surprise. I though we were fine and happy. I told and asked her parents, girl friends, and they were all surprised. She wanted to leave, and that she doesn't see us going on b/c the love we have is not the love she wants. She wants the fantasy feel good love, the sex that is not like phucking she said.
Yup. That was my situation as well. All of a sudden my then WW put a password on her phone when she never had one before. She claimed it was to keep the kids from playing games on her phone (one of the top excuses here that waywards give for passcoding their phones) I got the ILYBINILWY speech. My then WW claimed we didn't have a "passionate, romantic connection". I bet your WW slept like a baby that night after she got all that off her chest, right?
So 2 weeks ago, she said she is moving out. She has detattched herself from me when we had this talk. She said she tried to hold it in for 3 yrs, but it was too much now that it surfaced. I asked her if she had met someone, or was cheating on me and she said no. I believed her, and its just not her personality. I asked her friend and Mom, and they said its not like her either.
My then WW told me she wanted to move as well. Hell, she already had some apartment lined up. I asked if my then WW was cheating or seeing someone as well, and just like yours did she lied...right to my face and while looking dead straight into my eyes. My then WW also said she fell out of love with me 2yrs prior, then it changed to 5yrs prior, which later changed to 10yrs prior, when then later changed to "I don't know...I don't think I ever loved you." Which I then asked "Well, why the hell did you agree to marry me and have kids with me?!?!" NONE of her family knew she was having an affair at the time but she was telling them that she wanted to leave the marraige because "He doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated anymore. He can't control his temper. I don't know how he will react when I tell him I want out of the marraige..." I know of this because I got a hold of her ipad, which synced to her iphone, and read texts with her mom and sister that told them I had anger issues while texts to her her enabling friends told quite another story.
Interim, I was probably the most mellow dad around. I was WAAAAAAY too nice to people who should have had their ass introduced to my foot more often than not. Me...fucking angry? Shit, no. More like if I was "not having any of it" I just walked away from the situation. Total. Conflict. Avoidance. And my then WW took advantage of it! Maybe that's not you at all. Doesn't matter. What matters is that a WW claiming that their BH has "anger" issues is a common staging manuever for WW's wanting to get out via exit affairs, while keeping as much split assets and majority custody of the kids as possible. More often than not, they are actually projecting thier "anger issues" on to YOU. Yes, it is the WW who will have anger issues when YOU get in their way of tackling their unicorn fantasy with the OM. This is why we IMPLORE you to go get an attorney and some VARs pronto. You want to see an example of the kind of manipulative shit that gets pulled on their spouses? Go to youtube and search for "Soldier uses hidden GoPro to prove wife abused him" as one. It'll open your eyes.
We went to counseling yesterday. I let her know I have this info, and she was upset I checked her phone. I told the counselor that she is cheating and my wife says she has not. That she says they might be flirting but she hasn't cheat. She said she connected with him, and have gave her attention that I did not give.
Yup. My then WW and I did the same and met with a marriage counselor. I brought up the cheating. She denied. Counselor asked to elaborate on the relationship with OM. She explained that he is "Just a special friend". But, Interim, that whole "going to the counselor" wasn't about fixing jack shit. It was about further "staging" the exit from the marriage. She get's to go tell her family "Well, Interim and I tried counseling. He just doesn't want to address his anger issues. Oh, well. We tried."
Interim, their plan was simply this -
- Find (and/or make up) as many faults in our own spouse as possible and exaggerate them. Their spouses become their common enemy, the barrier to their pursuit of happiness. Get into a fight with them and gaslight them into thinking they are the problem in the marriage. The OM in your situation thinks you are off the rails. Where di HE get that idead from? Hmmm?
- Escalate the issue until both have reached a boiling point and the spouse reacts in a way that the cheater can point to it as the "tipping point" and initiate separation.
- Then, move out of the home because of "tipping point" and find a place with the affair partner to "test drive" the fantasy relationship, all the while denying there is any kind of relationship at all with anyone else.
- Keep spouses guessing by saying "I still think we should divorce." and "let's not get lawyers involved. Yet." While they plan to synchronize filing for divorce, but don't actually file...yet. They just want to see how far and how long they can take this fantasy relationship. This is the cake eating phase. It is all "sexy time" for the WW and the OM, while you and the OBS handle all the logistics of marriage and taking care of the kids. The WWs in these situations really do want the OM to divorce his wife so they can officially be an item and create the modern day "Brady Bunch" family. The OM's in these situations generally like things "just the way they are" because to them it's mostly about sex and ego kibbles. They both "think" they are in love, but are only experiencing "limerence". The WW's typically lose patience and start putting pressure on their OM, who then starts having second thoughts, begin s to waffle on the commitment to his AP and plans to leave his own BW. The fantasy start to crumble. The polished unicorn turd of that relationship is starting to smell funny and change color.
The result typically is that the OM bails and goes back to the OBS. The WW more often than not has too much pride to admit they were wrong and/or have so convinced themselves the marriage was that bad that there is no point of going back. One of the big reasons being because they don't think their husbands "will change". Funny thing is most of that what they think their husbands won't change from are the faults they manufactured to rationalize the cheating in the first place and/or are typical things that occur long term marriages but they don't have anything, like a second marriage to compare to, to know that not only is this normal but that BOTH spouses or partners are responsible for it.
But you know what is missing the most in that process of an exit affair, Interim?
Remorse.
Specifically hers. It isn't there AT ALL. It's a very key element for R. Without it you will be dealing with a wayward who had no other choice BUT you, and you will have a very significant chance of having another Dday.
As of now she has no empathy for what she is putting you, your kids, the OBS and her kids through. She could give two shits because right now she is acting out of absolute entitlement of her fantasy. You blew up their timing for their exit strategy and now they are acting out of panic, fear, anger and ENTITLEMENT. Take advantage of it. You'd be surprised what waywards are willing to give up if it means more time and access to their AP. After all, they are "In luuuuurve!" and their AP is their dopamine fix. I know you want to give your WW a possibility of R, but in cases like these we often say here that sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. With regard to an exit affair, you want to do this with as much legal protection for you and your kids as much as possible because your WW may never detach from her fantasy. You think she's pissed off at you now? Wait until the OM tells her he can't go through with their plans to start a new life together. YOU will be the target of that anger, not the OM, because you exposed the A to the OBS and everyone else.
I get still having the soft spot for your WW. I get that you still want to leave the door open for R. But, remember, you aren't dealing with a WW who says "Oh shit, he found out. I didn't expect that! What do I do? I need help!" You are dealing with a WW who said "Shit! He found out earlier than I expected! I need to get the ball rolling with the plan!" She has an agenda. You aren't part of it. All I'm saying is if you feed the wolf with one hand, keep a billy club ready in the other. That's why I say get the D filed and rolling. Take away their leverage of "threatening" divorce to keep you and teh OBS on the backburner as plan B. Take away their excuse that YOU and the OBS are the barrier to their happiness by saying "Hey, if he spins your propellors but I don't then I don't want to keep you from being happy! I want to be happy, too! I want to find better propellors to spin!" Give them EXACTLY what they want! The process takes time. She has a chance to get her head out of her ass and you can tap the brakes on the D process and see if her head is fully extracted or if her nose is still in it.
Also know that for exit affair waywards, "rock bottom" has depths that rival the Mariana trench. It could take a while or it could never happen. Be prepare that this may actually go to a finalized D. There have been members here who have divorced, then reunited and even remarrying their wayward partners. I would just hate to see you in limbo, which the worst outcome between R and D. Why put your life on hold for someone else's indecision?
