SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out more info today. You guys are all correct, they've been scheming on this for awhile. I have further proof and it's untenable at this point.

I will be filing for divorce on Monday. She might be as well, now it's just a matter of who gets it filed first.

This person is definitely getting played by her AP. He's been coaching her and it's obvious at this point. My wife is weak, so I know she's getting this all from him.

Will move forward with my life for my kids and me now. I have zero confidence in her and it suxks that my kids have to deal with her and the AP. Gonna take the high road going forward and no stoop to her level. She will regret losing me, I guarantee it.

First of all...

Get to the attorney first and file first. Lay the ground rules on compensation and visitation. Don't wait to respond. Make the first strong move and stand beside it.

Second, the AP isn't playing our WW. (((gently))) I know you want to believe this. Believe this to somehow make all of your WW's shitty choices make "sense" but no, she is a grown woman. She has made and is making a conscious choice to betray you and your kids. (Face this and then own this rage to make sure you and your kids are protected).

You are strong. You are amazing. Go be the best kick ass dad you can be. She doesn't have to be part of YOUR story anymore.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:26 AM, May 6th (Saturday)]

Coached?

For what?

To try to get you not to file or something?

I hope you get a good lawyer. Is there is any way of getting a restraining order against this guy to keep him away from your kids?

I am pretty sure that in any public school system in the U.S. You can put in a Freedom of Information act and ask for all their emails for, say, the last six months. Any citizen could request that if we had their names. The school district could charge you a nominal fee if to gather it, but it's usually the law that they have to give it to you. Contact the school district offices and ask how to put in a FOIA request.

Hey Interim...guess what else we have in common? My XW also works for the public school system.

Don't be surprised if other administrators, teachers, even parents know about the affair already. Rumors spread like wildfire in school districts.

How high up is the OM in that district?

To clarify - how long has she been fucking OM?

I don't know the exact time they've been fucking. They are still denying it, but doesn't matter to me. I know the truth

Here is the latest. Spoke to the OBS, she ask him to text to my WW that he is ending it and it's over with my WW. He tries sending that message to a different number, gets caught, and she tells him she is going to file on Tuesday. He's been asking her to work it out and that he's not really in love with my WW, but obviously he isn't willing to end it.

So right now, not only is it looking like I'm headed to D, but she is as well.

Do you guys think this will strengthen their relationship? I know they've gone to see lawyers together already. I also found out they are in couples counseling together . Is that fucken sick or what? Since we are both filing for D, they might think this is their chance to really give it a go.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 4:58 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

Your best bet is to try to stop concerning yourself with what she is doing, what she's thinking, what she plan's on doing, etc (easier said than done I know) unless it's something you need to document to help you out in your divorce. You'll drive yourself crazy and waste time worrying about her.

Nothing has really changed. Your wife and the OM simply lost their respective Plan B's so they're going fully into their Plan A which is each other.

Just focus on doing the 180, moving ahead with the divorce, and your kids. If you do talk with your wife, I recommend trying to communicate through email as much as possible just so you have a record of your conversations if you need them in the divorce. Also only discuss subject matters related to the divorce, finances, the kids, the living situation, etc. If she brings up anything else and refuses to be redirected back to those subjects then walk away.

[This message edited by JS84 at 11:28 PM, May 7th (Sunday)]

Do you guys think this will strengthen their relationship? I know they've gone to see lawyers together already. I also found out they may be in counseling together . Is that fucken suck or what?

OK, I got lost on the pronouns here...

Strengthen whose relationship?

Who's been to lawyers together already?

Who may be in counseling together?

Ordinary, they as in my WW and the OM. They accompanied each other to see attorney, may be using the same one in fact. And they have gone to counseling together, were thinking it might be couples counseling. Do people do that? Go to couples counseling when they are the cheaters? For fucks sake, that would be pretty low for a counselor to take that case?

Wow, that is nuts.

Still think you should call the school district and ask how to submit a FOIA request for all their emails. Don't know what state you are in but in most they have to give them to you as their email is govt funded.

Ordinary, they as in my WW and the OM. They accompanied each other to see attorney, may be using the same one in fact. And they have gone to counseling together, were thinking it might be couples counseling. Do people do that? Go to couples counseling when they are the cheaters? For fucks sake, that would be pretty low for a counselor to take that case?

Yup. It's truly awful, but if you've read any OW boards, they think they can beat the odds and make the cheater relationship last if they plan it out just right. IOW, second marriages that begin in adultery by some estimates only have a 3% survival rate. The two AP's already know going in that they're dealing with a cheater. Trust is a problem. So, they figure couples counseling will guarantee them success.

It's kind of twisted really. Your WW is apparently planning a relationship with a guy who just walked out on his wife and 4 children, the youngest just an infant. THAT's her "prize". And deep down, she knows it. She's looking for guarantees.

I'm so sorry. The more your story unfolds, the more premeditated it looks. I know it hurts like a bitch, but try to concentrate on just you and your children. Look for the small joys and try to find something positive to appreciate in your days together.

In emotional terms, you're probably best served at this point by detaching from the marriage. Legally, you're running behind in terms of planning, so listen carefully to your attorney. My understanding from reading in the Separation/Divorce forum is that it's best to try and treat the divorce process as business. I expect that's no mean feat, but I can see the wisdom in it.

From what you've written, the OM's response to being busted was pretty wishy-washy. I think your WW's odds of beating the 3% are pretty low actually. More likely, she ends up without husband and without boyfriend. Your mission though.. is going to be not to give a damn. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

((strength))

InterimRent, I applaud your decisiveness and wish you good luck with filing today. Also, please try to build your support system – your friends, your relatives, working out, a good counselor and a good hobby will all help you to get passed through this shit storm. It is a very hard and traumatic time in your life, but if you act decisively, trust me – although slowly, but it will get better and better the more you readjust yourself to this new reality. And please, be kind to yourself. You are a great guy and if you stick with your principles and stay true to yourself – you will regain your peace in the future.

Good luck and remember, you are not alone and you can do it.

EDIT: And, as others said, don't give away your power to your soon-to-be-ex-wife. For your own sanity, she is no longer your concern – better think how to support your kids and yourself, and how to create a safe environment in which you will be protected from the toxicity of your soon-to-be-former cheating wife. Focus on your future – your own and your kids.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 7:22 AM, May 8th (Monday)]

Do people do that? Go to couples counseling when they are the cheaters?

I've been here for a while... that's a new one on me.

I actually laughed...

Don't worry. Even if they do get together, the survival rate for relationships that start like this is close to zero. She'll probably be back.

Wow, what a twisted woman...do everything you can to protect yourself and your kids.

So here is the latest. Spoke with Attorney, and meeting with him again soon. He suggested holding off on filing. He provided good points and reasons as to why not contrary to what you guys are suggesting. It might be a state law thing, but it makes sense to me.

I will not delve further into the legal aspect of things on the board until after D is finalized/or not, but don't want to give away anything on the internet at this point on the legal front.

The OBS is going to file any day now. I believe she is finalizing paperwork. She wants out, and wants to help my situation. Said she will call and meet with my WW's parents so that she can warn them about her Husband. Since she is dead set on filing and getting out, she feels she won't come off as the possessive wife trying to get her husband back, she doesnt want that. She wants to help my wife find her way back, if possible and help my cause. She also feels that if her Husband is tied up with my WW, he won't be able to focus on the kids and what he needs to do once they separate. Thoughts on her calling/meeting with my WW's parents?

Why would your attorney advise against filing? You need to get orders in place to protect yourself. I hope he didn't suggest to "wait it out and see if she comes to her senses".

No harm in filing now. You can always pull the papers back.