SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I went away with the kids, so they've been my focus. We've had 2 very good days together, which helps to keep my mind off of the A and M, not all the time but some of the time.

I got a text from my WW yesterday, a call, and again this morning. I've been ignoring her, doing the 180. She asked me how the kids were, I also ignore her about that, b/c I don't feel like I have to tell her how the kids are doing every day. They are with me, they are happy and are doing fine. I feel like she's just trying to check up on me and the kids, while carrying on the affair like its all good and I should have some obligation to respond. I did finally respond back to her this morning. I only answered her about the kids.

She asked me 2 times already today to get together and talk. Said we can do it in person, or do it with a counselor present. Thoughts on this? Should I continue to ignore her, and not address talking? Why the need to do it in front of a counselor?

I find that her texting or calling me spikes my anxiety level.

IMO you should keep doing what you are doing. Take care of the kids and keep the NC . Email about the kids schedules, etc. Don;t engage in a discussion if you don't know what is on her mind. It's doubtful that she saw the light and quit the A and wants to come home to her family. Hence having the counselor present.

My spidey sense is that she's cooked up some sort of plan that favors her, and you...not so much.

In the words of Elmer Fudd "Be Verwwy, verwwy careful."

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:22 PM, May 21st (Sunday)]

I think that you should straight up tell her that if she wants to discuss the dissolution of your marriage or anything pertaining to the children during/after the divorce, it can be done through your lawyers. If she would like to have a discussion with you about your marriage, you won't be participating while she's in another relationship.

Agree with Mickey and Whatelse. There's no need to meet in person. She's just going to try to manipulate you to her advantage. I would continue with the freeze out. You've got the power with what you are doing so well.

Text her, "Just tell me what you want over text now. If it is important, don't wait, tell me now over text."

The only reason she wants to talk is so she can manipulate you for her benefit. Tell her there is nothing to talk about. There is no "Us". She killed it along with the marriage when she moved out to be with the OM. Likely a lot earlier than that when she took him to bed and continued to deceive and hide the truth from you.

Tell her that future communication will be emails only and only about the kids. All other communication can go through your lawyer.

Stop trying to figure out what she is doing, why she is doing it and how she will react. You can not predict what "crazy" will do and you can not fix "crazy". No matter what she wants, you should know by now that you can not trust her.

She asked me 2 times already today to get together and talk. Said we can do it in person, or do it with a counselor present. Thoughts on this? Should I continue to ignore her, and not address talking? Why the need to do it in front of a counselor?

I agree with what TimSC just said.

OP, you seem like you're still open to the possibility of reconciling if your wife is remorseful and willing to do the work, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you must tell her that if she wants to discuss any possibility of a personal relationship with you, you won't be apart of that discussion while she's in a relationship with someone else. You can even passive aggressively mention that you aren't interested in discussing a relationship with someone else's girlfriend because you have more integrity than that.

So Ive continued to ignore her request, and she stopped asking to speak. So you guys were correct, whatever it was that she wanted to talk about, it probably wasnt good. OBS is ready to D, this is the OMs' 3rd rodeo that she has proof of. So she is tired of his shit. It should go down on the other side in 1-2 weeks. He's a serial cheater, just like his dad. He even sent a fake text again to his wife showing that he was telling my WW no more contact, but figured out that he had blocked his wifes own number on my WW's phone and they have not been using text to communicate. He's still trying to work the angle of trying to fix it with his wife. She showed me all this recently.

On my end, I have DD's graduation next week. Question for you all is how to stay 180, while respecting my daughters graduation. My WW and I will obviously be there. There will be pictures and so forth, do I sit next to and not make it weird, just suck it up, or do I try to keep a distance.

Don't make it weird. Even if you have to sit next to her, you can just keep it to "pleasantries" like strangers or acquaintances. It's only a short ceremony. Or sit away from your wife. I don't think it matters much in the scope if it.

I think the main thing is that your daughter knows you're there, proud of her, and happy for her.

I agree. Keep it about DD.

If she says she wants to talk tell her she's made her choice, wish her luck, and let her know you are moving forward with your life and out of Infidelity.

I really feel for you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:55 AM, May 24th (Wednesday)]

At my DS's graduation last year I saved seats for XWH and his mother. But all my family sat between us and ran interference. I never even made eye contact with him. I have wonderful family and friends that made the day go smoothly and kept me calm.

I did NOT invite the douche to the graduation party at my new house. No way was I going to let him contaminate my new place. He was pissed, but that's a whole other story

I like Notthisfriend's suggestion to take some people with you and not allow her to get you cornered alone. She's unlikely to bring up whatever barb she's had in mind to sling at you if you're surrounded by family and friends. Get a buddy and stay right next to him/her.

Take the grad pics, do the grad thing. It's for your daughter, not her. Stay wary as to not getting sucked into confrontation or even discussion with her.

Pleasantries only to get through the day.

The exception to total blackout NC when doing the 180 is for logistical information regarding the kids. Like what time for visits and who's driving - that kind of thing. Things like school plays or the kids sporting events - or graduation - would all be included in this. Your there for your daughter. Period. You might have to sit next to your WW because of the way some graduations use assigned seating, but that doesn't mean you have to talk to her. If she insists on filling your ear look her in the eye and ask her to either shut up or leave. Do the same at whatever gathering you attend afterwords.

No Contact is as much a strict attitude as it is physical avoidance. When you have the resolve it's easy to let that resolve guide you.

So found out the OM was served divorce papers today. Also found out from OBS, b/c she finally fessed up to this. She was embarrassed previously that this creep has cheated on her 2 other times before. In addition, this guy has been previously physically abusive to her. Now I'm worried for my WW and the kids if they have to be around this assclown.

InterimRent,

Please consider obtaining an affidavit from the OBS regarding the number of times the OM has cheated on her, and the physical abuse. Also consider asking the OBS for proof of the physical beatings (e.g., pictures, medical records, etc.), that she is willing to provide. Use this in your divorce to minimize your children's exposure to the asshat. You may even consider a morality clause precluding your wife from exposing them to this asshat, unless they ever get married. Your children are at stake. This is war!

IR

Let your attorney handle this. You will freak OBS out asking for this stuff.

Most courts will allow that neither spouse introduce someone else to the kids for a period of time. This can be for as much as six months or even a year.

Have your attorney do a background check on OM.

" Now I'm worried for my WW and the kids "

Of course you should be worried for your kids. But about your wife?

Why is it that so many men have this delusions of "white knight" about themselves? Dude. Your cheating wife is a grown ass woman who willingly thrown herself into the hands of an abuser. To her, you are just a tin can.

There are so many good women to whom you can be a white knight. Not to your WW.

Rambler,

I couldn't sleep... my mind is racing as I'm working on an infringement case at the moment. Hopefully I'll get a few hours before the alarm goes off. If not... c'est la vie! I'm used to it.

Anyway, although I don't want to, I feel the need to again point out an incorrect statement you provided regarding divorce. Above you stated: "Most courts will allow that neither spouse introduce someone else to the kids for a period of time. This can be as much as six months or even a year." This, unfortunately, is not true.

To this end, I point you, and IR, to the fact that morality clauses are commonly written into both separation and divorce agreements, across these great United States of America. In other words, if the divorce statutes, and common law, that judges follow, commonly precludes a spouse from introducing children to a new partner, why then do so many separation and divorce agreements include such provisions? The only reason I can suggest is because neither the statutes, nor the common law, automatically dictate such separation, as you suggest.

By the way, do you wanna know how I know the foregoing? Well... I have degrees in chemistry, chemical engineering, and law; and I've been through divorce. The information I provided above, in addition to that provided in YHGTBK'M's thread, is more or less, bar exam 101.

If I remember correctly, you are a physician, living in Chicago. Please, please, please.... do not attempt to extrapolate your particlular fact pattern to eveyone else. In other words, just because you didn't have a pre-nup like YHGTBKM, or a contractually agreed to maintenance buyout like YHGTBKM, or because your particular judge may have limited you and/or your spouse from introducing your children to new partners for some period of time, please do not think it necessarily applies to others. As Western alluded to in YHGTBKM's thread... judges are a fickle bunch, and the only thing attorneys can begin from are statutes and common law, and your opinions are in contradiction to current statutes and common law in most, if not all, states.