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I am for it - OBS telling WW's parents.

Yes, I would let them do that before filing for D...it might just jolt your WW a bit, possibly enough to really want to R.

OBS should expose as far and as wide as you. Telling her parents is a great idea.

Spoke with my WW's dad today. I love this man, and have respect for him but he won't do shit. He said that he is getting uncomfortable about all this and doesn't want to be in the middle. He said I should sit down and talk to WW. I told him that's not possible at this point. I know her mom is the same way, doesn't condone what she's doing but not willing to talk to her about it, even for the grand kids sake. So with that, I don't think having the OBS call them will do much good.

I also understand now why my WW is the way she is. Her whole damn family can't communicate or refuses to. So nothing gets talked about or fixed. So frustrating.

Also found out from the other spouse that her WH is now trying to gaslight her and blame shifting. Telling her that this is all her fault, bc she shut him out for so long, she caused the affair. These people are straight out of a reality TV show. Shitty we all got caught in this shit fest.

Their work email is PUBLIC RECORD. I am still not sure why wouldn't submit a FOIA request to the public school district to get those emails for the last year.

Most people in your situation would love to have the opportunity to get those. Maybe they were smart enough to not use the school email to discuss their A, but wouldn't you want to know?

Blood is thicker than water, IR. They might be disapproving of their daughter's behavior, but they're still her parents. I mean, if your kids ever do anything that seriously disappoints you, you would probably still love them and still be there for them. Try not to take it too much to heart. It's not a reflection on you.

Let me ask you something... Are you still trying to influence your WW's decision on the marriage? Are you still hoping she'll come back? Rhetorical questions; you don't have to answer here on the board.

But if in your heart, you answer 'yes', consider what would happen if you just let go of the outcome. What happens if you stop caring what your WW is doing and who she's doing it with? What would the difference be if you suddenly said to yourself, "not my circus, not my monkeys".

Even if your WW and the OM end up together, you do understand that they're a pair of cheaters who walked out on their families, don't you? They'll never be able to fully trust one another and the fantasy aspects of the relationship will disappear in a puff of smoke because Real Life with all it's hassles and mundane chores will emerge. And frankly, the infatuation stage has a shelf-life anyway of about 2 years on average. Affairs are more exciting because of their illicit nature. When they've morphed into relationships, the clock starts ticking.

Like most BS's, you're probably stung by the prospect of these two cheaters "winning". But the "prize" is a deluded, broken person who lacks core values. So even if they put on the appearance of Brady Bunch happy families, it's all built on sand.

You have the opportunity here to let go and to start a new life built upon a stronger foundation. Your WW has been apparently planning out this fantasy for quite awhile, so I really don't believe she intends to give it up. That's a sad thing, really. She's running with scissors and somewhere underneath it all, you probably still care whether or not she gets hurt. But frankly, there's nothing you can do about that. She's an adult who has made adult choices and will have to live with the consequences. You can't "fix" anybody but yourself.

So, what would happen if you just let go of the outcome? Can you allow yourself to imagine a better life?.. a life where you don't have to care about this selfish person anymore?

ChamomileTea

You are right, I'd be best served to let go of the outcome. I went to IC yesterday, and I am still in the stage of disbelief and shock. I have not reached anger yet. I've also starting going to a support group, and am learning about myself, and maybe in time I'll be able to let go, and not try to control the outcome. Right now, its easier said than done.

I did learn yesterday that my WW has finally admitted to the affair to her best friends and family members. Prior to this, she has not been wanting to tell people for the obvious reason. She told them she feels guilty, but thinks that there might be an opportunity with the AP in the future. That tells you her state of mind and its still in the fog.

I'm glad you're getting into some IC and group. I think it'll do wonders for you.

Did I recommend The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson to you yet? I really did find that book to be so helpful because not only did it go into the nuts and bolts on our physiological symptoms, it also put tools in my hands for how to reconnect with myself. Somehow over the years, I had lost ME. And the betrayal left a gaping chasm where I used to be that could no longer be ignored. All of my old abandonment wounds had been broken open.

It's not fair that somebody else can hurt you this way and that whether you're in R or D, you have to do your own healing. But NOTHING about infidelity is fair.

((strength))

ETA: Just a thought, but what if you incorporated a WW information black-out into your 180? What if you just let friends and family members know that you don't want to hear about her? I think it could possibly foment a safer space for healing if you weren't getting this kind of information exposure and help you detach a little more, but it's your call of course.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:40 PM, May 13th (Saturday)]

She told them she feels guilty, but thinks that there might be an opportunity with the AP in the future. That tells you her state of mind and its still in the fog.

Interim, you won't like what I'm going to tell you, but, honestly, saying that she is "still in the fog" sounds like wishful thinking.

She betrayed you not because she was in a mysterious fog, but because it felt good, she couldn't resist the temptation, and deliberately went for it again, and again, and again behind your back.

And now her saying that there might be an opportunity with her affair partner says that it's not a lot for you to expect for, and it's time for you to protect yourself and get strong and independent – for the sake yourself and your own kids.

I also kindly suggest you to go through this list, which may speed up your work with IC:

Questionnaire to identify signs of co-dependency

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

wordsofwisdom

I thought that codepency might be an issue of mine, but I've gone through that list and thought about it since this started, and the majority of those items do not affect me. I don't think I'm codependent.

As far as the fog, I'm assuming b/c she somehow thinks that her little fantasy might work out in the end. She has been asked that on several occasions from family and friends. I think she's smart enough to know that it probably won't, but I think she's being clouded in her judgement right now. Thats why she moved out and left the kids. What mom does that?

[This message edited by InterimRent at 8:51 PM, May 13th (Saturday)]

I have cut off contact with my WW with the exception of talking about the kids. She only text me about the kids now, and nothing else. But everytime she text me, I get an extreme case of anxiety, like I don't want to deal with her or this situation.

Is this normal? I'm doing 180 best I can, but this wound is obviously fresh.

Yes, very normal, but keeping NC as much as possible will help reduce the hurt.

She will now get a look at life without you in for her at every turn...make sure that you do not talk to her or help her in any way other than issues with the kids.

Do you have your finances separated yet?

Also found out from the other spouse that her WH is now trying to gaslight her and blame shifting. Telling her that this is all her fault, bc she shut him out for so long, she caused the affair.

That doesn't sound like a guy who found his "soul mate" in your WW, does it? I don't think you blamed your friends and family for meeting your WW, dating her and then marrying her. I know I didn't. The way the OM is describing the circumstances it sounds like he got a consolation prize instead an ideal result.

So it can go one of two ways; He throws your WW under the bus like a majority of waywards end up, particularly WWs, OR he truly is face-saving narcissistic enough that he continues the relationship with your WW out of spite, in which case your WW isn't going hear all that flowery romantic language anymore nor be the main woman of his focus. Instead, he will be bitching and whining about how unfair and horrible his own wife is being.

I have cut off contact with my WW with the exception of talking about the kids. She only text me about the kids now, and nothing else. But everytime she text me, I get an extreme case of anxiety, like I don't want to deal with her or this situation.

Is this normal? I'm doing 180 best I can, but this wound is obviously fresh.

Give yourself a break about feeling stressed and anxious. These changes are all still new to you.

Try getting a couple of deep, cleansing breaths before you open her texts, scan your body for tense areas and concentrate on relaxing them. After you've found your center, then open the text message up, discard any information that isn't pertinent to children or finances and only respond to those issues.

I think it might have been in one of Terrence Real's books where he described a particular communications technique as kind of like having a force field around you. Things that are true are allowed to pass through for your consideration. Things that don't ring true go splat like a tossed egg smacking a wall. Just let the pertinent stuff through and let the rest go splat to slide harmlessly off your force field.

But everytime she text me, I get an extreme case of anxiety, like I don't want to deal with her or this situation. Is this normal?

Brother - I threw my serial cheating xWW out 3 years ago and my stomach still drops when I see an email from her. You're in good company.

Jduff-

I think your read is right. I don't think the OM is looking at my WW like she's the perfect ideal. He is fence sitting right now, b/c his wife has been taking a softer stance to the situation over the past week, trying to take a difference approach. All that seems to have done is make him angry, and blame shifting. She felt that maybe a softer approach would allow him to open up. He has a personality according to the OBS that only opens up if he isn't getting thrown up on, even though he deserves it.

I also believe that you are correct Jduff in that at some point, I think this tool will end up throwing my WW to the curb. He has told his wife that he would like to let my WW down easy, but has yet to do. He said my WW is sensitive, and doesnt want to rock her emotional world. I think he is also thriving on the drama right now. He keeps on the OBS all day, every day about this issue. Do you guys have any suggestion that I can provide to the OBS?

I see it as one day, he will end up kicking my WW to the curb to protect himself. Although, if the OBS serves him, he might hang on to my WW as a security blanket, b/c he needs someone all the time being that he is weak according to the OBS.

***As a member***

Why would you want to hang on to her?

You deserve better my friend. You really do

Wife's been texting me today, asking to talk. Not sure about what, but she asked if we wanted to do it in person by ourselves or with a counselor present.....

FYI, I sent an email to her family and friends outing her affair. To only 4 people, who are family and close friends. She said she heard about the email, which might have prompted her to want to talk.

My email was to expose, but also to request that the family and friends to talk to her about her affair, and the fog she might be in. I also ended it telling them that I was fighting for my marriage and that it would only happen if she ended her affair. And that as close friends and family, that help us get to a better place.

Regardless File for abandonment of you and kids asap for the sake of getting full custody

FYI, I sent an email to her family and friends outing her affair. To only 4 people, who are family and close friends. She said she heard about the email, which might have prompted her to want to talk.

My email was to expose, but also to request that the family and friends to talk to her about her affair, and the fog she might be in. I also ended it telling them that I was fighting for my marriage and that it would only happen if she ended her affair. And that as close friends and family, that help us get to a better place.

Well done, if that's what you really want.