SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Typically when somebody wants to talk in person, it means they want to say things that won't necessarily leave a paper trail. I suspect she's probably in a tiff about your recent exposure to friends and family members and probably wants to express her displeasure.

A paper trail can be a mighty fine thing when you don't know if the bread's going to drop jelly-side down. Just sayin'.

The most important element of the 180 is maintaining NO CONTACT with your WW. Tell her no - you won't meet and you won't talk with her about anything that doesn't relate logistically to the kids. Like visits or transportation...things like that. Outside of that you don't want to see her or hear from her.

Let's say that she comes to the conclusion that she has made a horrible mistake and is now willing to do anything to help you heal and repair your marriage. If, and that's a big if, this happens then she will find you & through herself at your feet begging for another chance. If she never does this then you just keep sailing along on your path to healing, divorce her, and be the best father you can be.

I tend to agree with the NC, at least not in person.

Anything she has to say can be texted at this point.

Handle this directly and simply.....

"You are still talking to and seeing that POS......I have nothing to discuss with you that doesn't concern the kids or D.....And those are best conducted through email."

First let me say that I am all for R when both husband and wife still love each other and really want to make it work. With that in mind, why do you want to R with this woman? She told you she doesn't love you nor does she want to live with you. She has proved this with actions. Her whole being is centered on the AP. If by some miracle she agreed to come back it's not going to work as long as she feels for you the way she does. When one spouse loves and the other doesn't you are looking at a life of misery. Even if she returned, I'm fairly sure this will not be her first rodeo considering her feelings for you. If she did return you can no longer trust her. Will you be like some others and always be checking her phone, computer, making her account for all her time, etc,etc. And I wouldn't blame you but to me that isn't marriage, that's prison. So why, why do you want her back so badly? I read somewhere that "you should be careful of what you wish for because you might get it." I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 11:49 PM, May 15th (Monday)]

You are correct. I will email her. Would rather have it in writing.

Anoldlion- You are absolutely right. Your words are true. I just haven't been able to shake the denial. I thought by acknowledging that affair, that I was past the denial phase, but I am in denial about our marriage and relationship. You are right, she is a shitty person. I shouldn't want her back. Just remember, its only been since April 23rd that I found out about the affair. I'm going to get there. This wound cut deep, and I didn't want to acknowledge death, but I think I'm within touching distance of that final breath. And I think I got what I needed to hear today.

What did she want to talk to you about?

Stevesn- I don't know yet. I have been doing the 180, so have not even addressed her on wanting to talk. I've only addressed her question on the kids.

I believe she's gonna want to tell me to lay off of her friends and family and not involve them. I sent them an email exposing affair and asking that they address my wife in her affair. AP is also super paranoid right now about work finding out. So she's probably gonna tell me that I better not call their work.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 6:53 AM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by InterimRent at 6:50 AM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

by all means then, call their work. blow up his world. unless, of course, you're worried about custody, alimony, childcare payments, etc.

If you proceed with divorce, you may want to make sure your wife still has a job. She may become vindictive and scorched earth with you when her world falls apart. She may demand primary custody, which she will probably get, and if she's unemployed, you will owe her more monthly.

play the long game friend. If you divorce, do it sweetly. Always pat your enemy on the back until a bullet hole appears between your fingers. Don't signal your moves. Then, when you've got custody and no alimony, then, blow up their world. If you still want to that is. The point is, live well. figure out what you want to have happen and then work toward that. be strategic.

good luck friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:21 AM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

I mentioned it a few times here. Best way to open it up at work is to submit a FOIA request for both their emails to the school district.

If you want to PM me the state you live in I can look up the FOIA laws in that state.

But most require that school districts provide employee emails when requested.

Then, if there is anything incriminating there, someone will probably notice and take action against them.

Plus you'll get to see them too.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:25 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Wife has texted me a couple of times now wanting to talk. She says it about the children and us. Earlier in the week, she wanted to talk about finding co parenting classes.

I've not responded to her request the last few times, except to tell her that there is nothing to talk about, she made her choice and that is not something I will stand for, so there is nothing to talk about.

What do you guys suggest I tell her now. She's trying to say its about the kids, but she wants to sit down and talk about us.

What do you guys suggest I tell her now. She's trying to say its about the kids, but she wants to sit down and talk about us.

I've not responded to her request the last few times, except to tell her that there is nothing to talk about, she made her choice and that is not something I will stand for, so there is nothing to talk about.

Sounds like you already told her. If you want tell her again. Keep communicating through text/email as much as you can. Still not seeing a reason why you would have to have a sit down with her.

Did she state specifically say she wanted to talk about the relationship or the divorce? Tell her that if it has to do with custody and property between the two of you then it will be handled through your attorney. It it has to do with co-parenting classes then you will be open to her suggestions for classes, costs, location, etc. If it has to do with the marriage then you've already made it clear to her that for you to even consider giving her audience for whatever she has to say that she must first end the affair. Otherwise, as far as you are concerned she has made her choice to remain in infidelity and move towards divorce.

Remember, she can "say" it ended but she has to prove it to you. A NC letter is a start, reviewed first by you BEFORE she sends it to the OM. I've read of some WS who call the AP while the BS is on the other line to hear it as well as proof. It's pup to you and your situation as to what really proves the A is over.

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:51 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

Discuss anything kid wise via email or text so nothing can be "misconstrued".

Finances should be through lawyer...make sure you inform her of that.

Marriage...nothing to discuss at all until she proves that OM is out of the picture and NC firmly in place.

but she wants to sit down and talk

Ok...so she can hit the dial button on that texting device she is using...she can also occupy a chair when she presses said dial button. No need for a face to face.

I have extensive experience w/ similar "talk" requests while the D was in the works. Unsurprisingly they amounted to little more than the usual blameshifting bullcrap...and some feeble attempts to buy time or stall the D.

IR, catching up here:

And they have gone to counseling together, were thinking it might be couples counseling. Do people do that? Go to couples counseling when they are the cheaters?

That is the most bizarre thing I've heard of. WTF?

I also can't figure out why your attorney would want to hold off on filing, it makes no sense at all. You want to lead with the abandonment / infidelity issue, assuming your evidence and the OBS's verification is not in question. Does the OBS have any hard evidence?

Your WW may try to claim abuse or somethign like that. You need to get out in front of it, unless there is a GOOD reason not to. I realize you may not want to give some of these reasons on this forum.

Stay NC, except for the minimum required for the kids. DO NOT DISCUSS anything else, including the OBS or their problems, and not anything concerning working things out at this point. It serves you no good, and may indeed by detrimental to the eventual outcome.

Assume you will be recorded. Assume she is still lying. Stay calm and detached. Business only, do not get sucked in.

Repeat after me- DO NOT GET SUCKED IN!

Let her ramble as long as she wants. Document and record all you can. You may not need it, but if you do you be damn glad you did.

Chamomile Tea and Mike, and others are giving you good advice, please folow it.

[This message edited by twisted at 8:53 AM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Respond that anything she can say in person she can say in a text or email.

If it was important, she would have told you somehow.

I will take out my crystal ball one more time (I'm usually pretty good at predicting the future on Friday nights) - I predict that it will be all about her, and what is best for her.

Respond that anything she can say in person she can say in a text or email.

If it was important, she would have told you somehow.

Exactly this ^^^^

Anything she wants to say to you that cannot be committed to writing is nothing you want to hear. Could be crocodile tears, could be berating, but it could be threats. You don't need any of that.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:34 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

New to this thread.

I want to say that I'm so sorry for this painful, devastating situation in your life.

I haven't read every word of every poster, so my apologies if I am repetitive.

What I am hearing behind your words, is that your plans, questions, wondering, supposing, etc. seems to be attached to what effect x, y, or z will have on your marriage.

Like "If I do this, will it maker her come back to me or want to be with him more? Almost every question about going to their place of employment, contacting a lawyer, talking to the OBS, etc. is usually about how it will affect your chances to R.

This is the most natural thing in the world, and many of us have been there. I am not ragging on you, but just wanting to point it out from afar, hoping you are aware of it, and respectfully suggesting that you keep it in mind as you move through this awful situation.

I agree with the others that your actions be focused squarely on yourself and your kids. If things happen to fall into place at a later time that facilitates an attempt to R and you want that, so be it.

But for now, evidence (school records, phone logs, texts, emails, and your documentation of her abandoning the family home and kids) is of greatest importance, except for your kids.

File first, seek custody first, and let the possibility of R take care of itself at a later time.

Better to protect your kids, and finances, and find out that you are Ring - than to not want to be mean, hope for her to come back, and find out that will not happen, and in the meantime you have "lost out" in the legal realm.

I wish you the BEST of luck.