SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everyone, I went back and made some edits to the story and deleted some info, so that I can be more anonymous, in case they start looking in here.

The reason to tell others is this -

My WW is now telling me that I cant control my anger and I need to relax. She doesnt want me to blow it up.

She's going to tell other family member's that YOU have anger issues. Now, if they know ahead of time that she is cheating and just straight up abandoned you and the kids then family members will also have "anger issues" with her, according to her definition if it, as you or any sane person would.

You can bet her and her boss are trying to get their spin coordinated on the events for damage control. Letting key family and friends know ahead of their white washing attempt will help thwart that.

Jduff is spot on...^^^^^^^ she is painting the picture of you being the angry out of control husband that she had to run from but somehow the kids safety wasn't a concern..

Get a VAR today, have it on you when interacting with your WW, the last thing you need is a false Domestic Violence charge. They both are going to start acting like out of control caged animals.. They will try anything to gain the upper hand!

Protect yourself!!

CDB

What is the value of letting all of friends and family know. Is that to embarrass them, or will that force them to get out of the A[/q]

Because you shouldn't need to hide anything. You need a support network. Let all know, far and wide. You have NOTHING to hide.

You are a victim of one of the worst forms of abuse

Expose to both families and your friends ASAP.....and then inform HR that this scumbag is carrying on an A with a subordinate, your WW, and you will be retaining legal counsel if they do not rectify the situation immediately.

In almost any business or organization I have heard of through friends/family/acquaintances, as well as in every one I have worked in personally.....a BOSS having an A with a subordinate leads to a termination.

Because of the fear of sexual harassment suits, many times the subordinate is NOT fired (which will be good for you if this comes to a D) but their career path in the company is essentially wrecked.....and they better make sure their performance is spotless going forward, because the company will look for any legitimate cause to dump them.

Crush this A and POSOM immediately.

And do not listen to any nonsense from your WW about wrecking OM's marriage.....she already did that by having the A with this scumbag.

And if she repeats the cause of her A was an 'emotional' disconnect in your M.....just calmly tell her, "Emotional disconnects happen when one of the partners is running around screwing another person......You are putting the chicken before the egg."

Saying you're acting out of anger has got to be the dumbest psychology trick I've ever heard. As if you're going to take that to heart and now go easy on them to prove to her that you're not some kind of out of control madman. Give me a break.

You've really taken control of the situation. I'm sure contacting the OBS was tough. We all advised you to do it, but easy for us to say, right? It's a whole other thing to man up and make that call. Good for you. And now you're reeping the rewards. Props!

Stay the course and keep those awful people on the defensive. Well done.

InterimRent,

I really hope you are seeing that your WW is out of her mind completely, and nothing you can do will ever fix her...she has to come to that place herself.

In the meantime, you need to get a lawyer, file for D and custody, inform their workplace HR of the relationship, and cut her out of your life as much as is possible...be willing to end your M so save it.

If filing for D doesn't wake her up then you know that its the right thing to do...follow through at that point, don't let her manipulate you anymore.

Absolutely out her to all your friends and family, yours and hers...let it fall where it may.

Get your finances (and phones) separated, moving your income to a new account at a different bank, cancel any joint credit cards and put a freeze on any new credit in your name. Get yourself as disconnected from her as you can in every way.

She is acting as if she is not your wife, treat her that way.

Also, change the beneficiary of any insurances to your kids instead of her.

Be sure to change the passwords to any and all electronic accounts, email, social media, retirement, savings, automobiles, insurances...anything that is in your name.

Go NC except for financial and child related communication.

Show her what her future without you as her husband will be like.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 10:20 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

Oh, and read The Tactical Primer...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Man, you all have been right all along. I wish I would have follow on the program and suggestions 2 weeks ago. Once I am able to, I will share more. It makes me sick.

Right now, my WW is out of her fuckn mind. She is trying to blame me for all this. She is taking it to the grave if she can. Still insisting no sex, just emotional. But I have proof of the PA now.

This women that I once knew, her parents can't even believe its the same person. They say they have to stand by her, but don't agree at all with whats she's done. Her pop still wants us to work it out, but right now, I think there is a Grand Canyon between us.

On a side note, is there a way to change my Username? Would like more privacy from their snooping.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 11:16 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

They say they have to stand by her, but don't agree at all with whats she's done.

Bullshit!

That's the coward that raised the coward that you married.

On a side note, is there a way to change my Username? Would like more privacy from their snooping.

Ask a Mod to help you out with that.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:57 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Still insisting no sex, just emotional. But I have proof of the PA now.

It's always a little bit astonishing how they stick to their story. Two adult, sexually-functional people who have motive, means, and opportunity don't just bail on their spouses and their children for "emotional connection". They take us for idiots and it's so insulting.

Remember, you are at no obligation to share the source of your information. Instead, just keep insisting that you know the truth.

They say they have to stand by her, but don't agree at all with whats she's done. Her pop still wants us to work it out, but right now, I think there is a Grand Canyon between us.

Blood will be thicker than water. It would be quite unusual for her family to disown her. So try not to be too offended. It doesn't mean that their disapproval won't be palpable.

Chamomiletea, it's crazy bc my spouse is still insisting that it was emotional.

She is now trying to take control of the situation by saying she will no longer communicate with me except about the kids.

She also is pressing if we go with a mediator or lawyers. Says bc I blew this up and am angry she can't trust me with a mediator. This chick is nuts. I see the writing on the wall now. She says there is a long road ahead of us if it's divorce using lawyers would not be ideal.

So my take is this was probably her exit affair, or there is very little left that she is very hesitant to try to R. Just my take based on what she wrote to me.

She slaps siad she will try to find a new job. I think lover boy went home tonight bc he was forced.

You should retain a lawyer and if there is to be a D, file first.

Definitely notify their company of the affair and that lawyers are getting involved.

Still, make sure this is what you want. I'd also ask her if she's sure this is what she wants. Be firm with your boundaries and do not allow her to rewrite the marital history. Many BS's ask why it's so important to expose affairs. It's because if you don't then you allow the cheater to control the narrative and suddenly you become a monster with anger issues and they garner sympathy from all who know and even are congratulated for their bravery for leaving such a monster. Get on top of the story with facts.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 6:45 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

I think you're probably right that divorce was always her plan. It really looks like she was pretty much trying to ease you into it. I most definitely would see an attorney. She's already proved to be untrustworthy, so why would you trust her with mediation? Seeing an attorney now would also give you more insight into any potential downsides of exposing the affair at the workplace.

I think my response to her demand for NC would be "fine by me!" The break in contact would probably be beneficial to your peace of mind and allow you to detach emotionally a little more. Plus that, she's going to be expecting you to chase her and will most likely be a bit deflated when you don't.

I know you were hoping to avoid divorce. But honestly, man... from everything you've written, I don't think she ever had any intention of working things out in the marriage. That might change if the OM dumps her on her ass. But if it does, it HAS to be on YOUR terms, not hers. Otherwise, she won't put the work in to make R a success.

You already see that she won't even confess to the PA even though you've stated that you have proof. So, she won't be a candidate for R until/unless she hits bottom and is willing to do whatever is required to make it right. By then, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't want her anymore. Sometimes they just take so long pulling their heads out of their asses that all the love is gone.

Hang in there, Interim. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to get through this. We've all been there and we know how painful it is. But that dreaded four-letter word "TIME" really does play its part.

People recover, sometimes with reconciliation sometimes not, following the worst of affairs. This site is chock-full of examples. It appears that your wife has no interest in going down that road and I am glad that you are seeing that. It will help to push you toward getting YOURSELF out of infidelity. Start the process by moving forward, each and every day. First step? Seeing an attorney and understanding your rights.

I wanted to bring something up that hasn't yet been mentioned:

This always seems to be an interesting time in these particular scenarios. Here's why. If this was truly an exit affair and the marriage is absolutely over - so be it. You get an attorney and whether it's straight forward or prolonged - you do what you need to do.

But the other side of the coin, one we do frequently see here, is that both wayward spouses have a come-to-Jesus moment. For the OM it is often when he realizes that living with this new woman isn't all the fairy dust and unicorns (and non-stop, unlimited sex) that he's been experiencing the past few months. It also might occur to him that his wife is going to take him to the cleaners. As a result, sometimes a month or two after the WW moves out - she gets tossed on her ass. It's often at THAT moment that the WW realizes, "Oh shit... I made a HUGE mistake."

That is the time for which I want you to be prepared - even if it's just in the back of your head. One day she calls you, or shows up at the house, and is a sniveling wreck - begging you to take her back. You, of course, will always have a weak spot. What to do?

Be prepared for how you are going to act. Others can coach you on things to do and ways to be ready but just keep in mind that this DOES happen, far more frequently than you might realize.

Good luck and keep moving forward.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 8:30 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Life is crazy, unfortunately the other spouse and I are the breadwinners. Pisses me off that we might be supporting these two scums. Unbelievable that a person can cause so much harm to their family and walk away getting paid. Just shitty laws.

The other spouse wants to reconcile for their kids, so not sure how she will go about it. Right now I don't want to make any decisions. I just want to vent and learn.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 4:24 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

Remember what I posted above?

She is acting as if she is not your wife, treat her that way.

Do it!

Go NC as much as is possible and make sure she cannot spend your income right now...she has her own job.

You said the OM was forced home?

By the employer, or by the wife?

She is now trying to take control of the situation by saying she will no longer communicate with me except about the kids.

That is the advise we generally give to betrayed members. That is also advice that a lawyer will give. I seriously doubt she is a member this site or any other relationship/infidelity support forum. I'll bet she already has talked to an attorney.

If you file and serve her first, what do you think that will do to her claims about you having issues controlling your anger? Generally, WWs try to paint their husbands as angry, abusive, POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING, evil SOB...all the reasons for her to justify to anyone who would listen as to why she is divorcing you and shacking up with captain ass-clown. Yet, if YOU serve her first THEN the narrative is -

"He's abusive, possessive, controlling, all around evil SOB with anger issues, and...that is why he is tossing me to the curb and filed for divorce!"

Does that make any sense at all? Society has the image of an abusive husband who is all that above AND they won't let their woman go free. They would rather kill her.

Yet, here you are potentially serving her ass with a divorce petition. That action would run very contrary to what she claims.

Right now I don't want to make any decisions. I just want to vent and learn.

Fine...but in the interim please retain an attorney. You, as the breadwinner, stand to lose a lot if you don't have some protection in place TODAY. Your WW also has POS OM on her team...likely advising her. Hell, she may already have a lawyer. You can't just stand around waiting for her to drop a piano on your head. Put some "protection" in place now...and get an attorney on your team. You can still do mediation at some point....hiring a lawyer won't change that.

I would be very careful. She sounds pretty callous. Do not trust her. She is probably going to try and take you for all you have. Even if she is not, you can't afford to think otherwise. Her recent behaviors should tell you that. You should assume that her and OM are plotting to live off both betrayed spouses alimony and divorce settlements. They don't deserve a penny, so do your best to protect your assets. You are definitely under attack right now.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:00 PM, May 4th (Thursday)]