SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She moved out. Where is she living?

I've seen many stories over the years where two married people will 'plot' their getaways, and most of those stories always entailed the WOMAN leaving first, with the married man supposedly leaving at a later date.

And in most of these stories, it usually happened that lover boy didn't end up leaving his wife and family even though he'd promised he would. So the married woman would end up alone having left her husband, and she'd be crying the blues that her 'happily ever after' had been blown to smithereens. I've seen that story quite a few times.

^^^^^^^^^^

You accomplish this by informing OBS. She has a right to know.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 1:49 AM, May 1st (Monday)]

Everyone, my wife moved out but into her Mom's condo. She said she is doing this until she can get her finances straight, so assuming at some point she will get her own place.

Thank you for all of your replies. I have limited info, so I wasn't sure when I told the OBS if she would believe. I think she is going to flip out and want to find out more, but initially be shocked. I'm not sure how to tell her but to just come out with the truth.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 6:24 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

I think she is going to flip out and want to find out more, but initially be shocked. I'm not sure how to tell her but to just come out with the truth.

"Hello, my name is XXX XXXXXXX. I am sorry to having to deliver this information but my wife has admitted to an affair with your husband. I have written proof and she has moved out of the house, presumably to pursue a full relationship with your husband. My e-mail is xxxx@xxxxx.com which is the easiest way to communicate with me"

Make up a new e-mail to use just for this. Do not assume she does not have your passwords to existing accounts.

wk55hn-

What I meant by fantasy, is what I would describe as fantasy. She didn't use those terms. I'm more practical and logical, so when I look at a relationship, I see the ups and downs. that you're not in la la land forever, once you have kids jobs and a house to care for. My wife is not looking for fantasy, but a love as she explained that is more fulfilling. One where she can't stand to be away from the other person, they make passionate love, not just have sex. She doesn't want to have a best friend, she wants a lover. I think those are things that if we wanted to fix, we can do so in counseling.

I will clarify that she said that she did not love me, said that she felt that we were just friends, co parents. We had everything and everything from the outside looked great, but her feelings weren't there. That she felt like she had to fake like she loved me. And that she finally woke up and decided that she didn't want this anymore. That she didn't want to wait until the kids graduated from High School before leaving me bc she didn't want to start over at 50. She wanted to try and start over soon before she gets too old, and that she didn't want to wonder what it would be like if she had that kind of love that she wants, again, I think its more of a fantasy TV type love. What we had was trust, security, love and friendship. Now I know that we didn't have the same kind of love, and trust is out the door.

Im not sure what I want, b/c I'm going back and forth in my head. Its still new and its painful. I have night sweats and dreams and anxiety during the day. Im going to institute the 180 immediately, and have started over the past 2 days.

My family and friends have been supportive. I have a bigger network of support on my side, and they are all close. Additionally, I don't think she would want to let her close friends or family know she's cheating.

I don't know what her end game is. She has not told me not to divorce. She did not make that request, but her seeing a lawyer and bringing up custody issues on a few occasions make me to believe that she is leaning towards divorce bc she is concerned about get the kids 50/50. She brought that up to the counselor, that she wants the kids 50/50. So I think she is leaning towards filing, but the counselor told us to wait and let the emotions settle down for a few weeks. She did suggest that we each seat legal counsel.

Please contact OBS. As others have said, she deserves to know. But also, she might have more information for you. It is crazy making when someone (the POS WS in our scenario) makes life decisions for us but refuses to let us in in the facts and circumstances.

Take care of yourself. 180 hard. Do not engage. Work out. Garden. Build furniture. Read. Whatever gives you even a little bit of enjoyment or at least relief from this shit.

She refused to spend spring break with her kids. WHO DOES THAT? She refuses to stay in the house, in another room FOR THE KIDS. Again, think about that. She abandoned her kids because she was bored? Bored???? This is life, not a fucking Disney cruise. .

You are being the grown up. You are taking care of the kids. You are dealing with a horrible situation and still managing to be a dad. She ran home to mommy. Your wife sucks. I am really sorry.

ETA: Of course, as I say below, I am clearly not a good judge of, well, anything. So... yeah.

[This message edited by FML13 at 9:11 AM, May 1st (Monday)]

FML, you are right. I felt the same way. Whose Mom would leave them to escape the marriage if there isnt any physical, drugs or other things that would make one leave. It leads me back to the affair, and that it would make it easier for her to see the other fellow. I have yet to contact the other spouse this morning. I have a lunch appt, maybe after. She has been extremely nice to me today, via text. I think she is worried about me taking the full litigation approach to custody and the divorce. I sense that she is scared of that going down, and that she might lose out.

[This message edited by InterimRent at 3:49 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

The bad news is, of course, you are here. The somewhat good news is that there isn't a single unique aspect of your story. It's the same/similar story that gets posted here every single day....even right down to the words coming out of her mouth. So the advice you will receive comes from folks who have seen this story a thousand times over.

Be decisive. Set your boundaries. Take definitive and immediate action to get yourself out of infidelity.

I have yet to contact the other spouse this morning. I have a lunch appt, maybe after.

Say to yourself "I WILL do it after"

InterimRent,

You say you "really want to try and work this out." The sad truth is that, at the moment, what you want doesn't matter because she is in control. Until she wants to try to save the relationship, nothing good is going to happen to it. This illustrates one of the most important principles of human relationships -- the one who values a relationship the least determines its future.

What can you do about this? There are basically four options:

1) Keep doing what you have been doing. Beg her to stay and tell her you'll do anything she wants if she'll stay. Keep hiding the truth from your kids and do everything else you can to protect her from the consequences of her actions, in the hope that this will convince her to stay.

2) Don't press her to return but try to be the best H you can be (be especially attentive and loving, offer to do things for her, try to get her to date you and spend time with you), so that she will eventually see what a mistake she is making and want to return to you. Distract yourself with taking care of the kids when she is gone and with various interests and activities, in order to try and maintain your sanity. If you have proof of an A, expose it to everyone she cares about and to her AP's W, in order to break it up. Keep this up until either she comes back to you or you can't take it any more.

3) Do the 180 until she loses interest in her AP (assuming she's cheating) and decides to return to you. If you have proof of an A, expose it.

4) Regain you dignity and demonstrate your self-respect by telling her that, if she wants to leave, she should leave because you don't want to be around someone who doesn't love and respect you. Give her a very short window of opportunity to return (like a few days, at most) and, if she doesn't, immediately file for D. Start to rebuild your life without her by focusing on your and your children's well-being. Meanwhile have as little to do with her as possible, limiting your conversations to things relating to your children and the D.

I think you're beginning to figure out that Option 1 rarely if ever works because most woman don't want to be married to a man with no self-respect.

Option 2 is what the call Plan A over at Marriage Builders. It sometimes works, according to them, but it takes months and sometimes years, and it usually takes quite a toll on the BH's physical and emotional well-being and self-esteem.

Option 3 is what they call Plan B over at Marriage Builders. The idea is that, if Plan A fails, go to Plan B to preserve your sanity. Of course, in the rare cases in which does work, it means the BH is the real Plan B.

Option 4 is based on the principle that an intelligent, strong and successful man should not waste his time with a woman who does not appreciate him. It also just happens to be the most effective method of winning back a WW's respect and interest. It doesn't always work, but it works a lot more often than either Option 1, 2 or 3. It also has the advantage that, when it doesn't work, it prepares the BH for a new and happy life with the WW.

If your like most BH's, you've become so codependent that you can't imagine living without your WW. The sooner you start acting like someone who can live without her, the sooner you will find out if there is anything to save in your relationship and the sooner you will start to heal.

While you are thinking about all this and deciding what to do, I highly recommend that you read "No More Mister Nice Guy!" by Dr. Robert Glover (you can download it for free here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf). It has helped innumerable guys like you overcome their fear of separation from their WWs, regain their emotional independence and lead happier lives.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Alchemy at 4:26 PM, May 1st (Monday)]

I am in just about the same place you are in. Found out in mid Feb and she moved out after 2 weeks of trying reconcile.

When I confronted my wife. She for an entire day denied they ever had sex. She said the affair started only a month an a half ago. She actually said they went to a hotel for 2 hours and had no sex.

I was stupid enough to buy it for a day. I woke up in the middle of the night and said to myself... No freaken way...

I finally found 1 single email form 8 months ago where they were saying I love you, marry me, blah blah blah...

My wife moved out saying she had to get away from me... More lies... She plans on being with the OM. I called his wife and found out the guy is a serial cheater and just an overall POS.

I'm starting to get to the point where I just accept my wife is evil, doesn't love our kids and this isnt' a fog... this is just her real self coming out.

Don't believe a word she says..

Do the 180.... I should have done it better!

[This message edited by br549 at 4:42 PM, May 1st (Monday)]

The love she is seeking does not exist as far as I can see - only in the beginning of a relationship - very unlikely past 3 years.

Don't get me wrong, I don't walk up to long-term married with kids and ask them, "Are you still madly and passionately in love?" But I have eyes and ears. I can see and hear. And I've never - NEVER - seen a long-term (7-plus) marriage with kids be in a passionate head-over-heels "can't stand being apart" feeling.

Also, I'm sure I can find a thread with the exact words your wife is using. And that love you but not "in love" with you only comes up after she gets juiced up by another infatuator.

The reason also that it looks like an affair, still, is that she doesn't want to try to rekindle the passion, she felt this way supposedly for 3 years but never brought it up, never did much to get the feelings back.

I am old enough to see where relationships go, what the end of life results are. There are plenty men and women like your wife, always seeking the "high" of the infatuation, then leaving to another one when the previous one goes flat. One woman I knew through work told me how she divorced twice looking for "love" before she finally settled down and realizing. She said she was sorry for the chaos she caused with her children and family and husband, because her next marriages morphed into the first. If she had known that, she said she just would have stayed with the first one. But you can't undo the things you do.

I always feel like the cheaters are immature, or lack adult insight. Like a child who wants to eat all of the desert and no dinner, not understanding the consequences that will result from that.

I reconciled with my wife. I had thought she was an adult. For 18 years. And now she seems like an adult for a number of years. But I still wind up looking at her sometimes and wonder how she could have come in and out of la-la land.

br549 - you have to introduce the other wife to this website. Sounds like she should be doing the 180, not to gain that douche back, but to get out of that relationship in a healthy manner.

Alchemy, thank you for your advice and suggestions. It certainly is more clear everytime I read and speak with others. I had a meeting today with one of my close friends who gave me a new perspective on things.

I'll keep you guys posted on how this goes once I speak with the other spouse.

Everyone,

I had some interesting conversations today with two counselors. They both gave me varying opinions on the ordeal, but both recognized that this is most likely an affair. They both provided their own way of looking at the reveal and call to the other spouse.

I want to run it by you guys. I went in pretty gung ho about calling the other spouse today, but after talking to the two professionals, they both said that this might back fire or be the straw that breaks the camels back. Because I don't have extensive detail on the affair, again, I have only seen a text and have call logs, that this may cause the other spouse to really question my motive and evidence. They also said, that if what I was saying is true, that there was some controlling and belittling issues in my marriage, but calling the other spouse may in fact play into my wife's mind that I am at it again. Trying to control the situation, and will further solidify her reason for leaving in the or our marital issues in the first place.

I do not condone the affair or cheating, but I want the best possible outcome for reconciliation on my terms. That would be full disclosure, remorse and hard work on her part to regain my trust. But right now, she is out in lala land, and I'm not sure what to do now.

What do you guys think? With my limited info on the affair, do I contact the other spouse anyway? Will she even believe me.

The other counselor said that she might be so harden, and her issues with me is that I'm logical and not emotional, that this will also maybe play into the fact that I'm not thinking of her. This sounds silly, and I know it sounds like I'm willing to be a doormat, but I am not.

Is there a way to give my wife the ultimatum about breaking off the affair? How will I know that she does if we are separated and she is unwilling to work with me on the marriage or go to counseling.

Also, as it relates to 180. She comes to the house in the morning to help with kids some days, and she also helps with kids at night on a couple of days a week to put them to bed. Is that making it too easy for her. I am not engaging with her, but with the kids, I think she should have the right to stay in their lives. That's bc we told the kids she is just helping out her mom, and will be here to help them with homework, sleep and some mornings. How should I handle the separation and 180 if she is coming and going around our house a lot?

Both counselors have given you terrible advice.

Have they dealt with infidelity before? You need a counselor who has dealt with this issue.

She has already moved out. How can you break the camels back?

They are right about one thing. You are trying to control the situation. That's a good thing. You need some control and you need the ball in your favor.

Tell the obs what you know.

Saving your marriage when a woman has an affair is unlikely. The one chance you have is breaking the bond between your wife and the other man. Call his wife and tell her her husband has taken your wife to be his mistress. Tell her what you know asap. The only thing I would wait on is a private investigation if you can afford it. Rock solid proof may help.

Do they work for a large company with a HR dept?

Call and tell the wife. It is the best thing you can do.

What do you mean you belittle your wife?

Did your sex life dry up in the last year or so?

So you guys lied to your kids and you're participating in that lie? When they find out the truth they'll think they were betrayed by both parents. NEVER cover for a cheater. You compromise your own integrity when you do that.

I want to run it by you guys. I went in pretty gung ho about calling the other spouse today, but after talking to the two professionals, they both said that this might back fire or be the straw that breaks the camels back.

You've been dragging your feet about contacting this poor woman ever since the subject came up, and now you have two quacks who are validating you.

A lot of "therapists" are fools. They give horrible advice based on their OWN opinions. That's hardly a medical or scientific approach. You might as well write to Dear Abby. And since most people are of the "not my business" mindset, you simply got more of that same bullshit "not my business" mindset from these two clowns.

Telling this guy's wife ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Your opinions, your fear, your beliefs DON'T MATTER. It doesn't make the information any less important to HER.

Do the right and compassionate thing and TELL this poor woman.