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^^^^ wk55hn is 1000% right unless the friend knew your WW was open to such relationships why would she give her number to the OM. Most women would say are you out of your freakin mind!

Does your WW have an as yet unrevealed propensity for affairs the friend was aware of?

Poly time while she still wants to save the marriage.

Suprised87-

This shit hurts and the further you get out from the hurts the details matter much less than they do today.

Your W had an A. She talked about leaving you at one time. Would she have left if giving the opportunity ? Nobody, including her, knows that answer.

It really comes down to why. What kind of deep introspection is she willing to undertake ?

Simplier, what is willing to do to make this up to you ?

I know there is nothing that will, but seeing your WS bust their butt to make things right again and/or fix themselves that makes this choices easier.

I stayed for my kids. I felt it was important to keep them with what they knew and keep my W bringing another man into their lives. Another man who at best would not care about their well being as much as I do/did.

It was an "excuse," that allowed my anger and wounded ego to not call the shots. It also gave my W a chance to get her act together and show me that our M could be something of value again.

Look whether you D today or D 6 months from now it will likely look the same, right ?

You can give it a chance to observe and watch just how committed your W is. Tell you are going to give X amount of time. Any more lies. Any more contact with friends of the opposite sex results in immediate D.

FWIW her "friend" that gave OM her number ? She needs to go. She is not a friend of the M. She encouraged your W to make the worst decision of her life. That is not a real friend.

Try that boundary and see how she reacts.

Take some time and let it sink in. Your W is starting to feel the consequences now. She needs to. Only once she really understands what she has done to her life and that hse did it willingly will she ever begin to get some remorse.

Give her a chance to find her remorse. She regrets the impacts of her decisions to HER. Still selfish. Still thinking she deserved it.

Just don't wait forever.

I know this is small comfort but this does get better one day. It doesn't hurt like it does right now forever.

Give your W a chance to be the W you've always deserved. If she can't or won't then your decision should be very easy.

My wife's friend is fucked up. They aren't friends anymore. They had a falling out. My sister in law slept with her friend's brother, who was married. There are rumours that the friend knew about her brother's affair with my wife's sister all along. It's seriously fucked up. But I decided not to care. If they are no longer friends because of that, then great. My wife sister was always flirty and sleeping around. So I shouldn't be surprised that my wife followed down that path.

I have decided as soon as I get home I'm going to ask my wife for a detailed disclosure. I don't expect the timeline to be the full truth, but it can help so I can fill out the gaps, and or discredit any parts of it. It also helps so she can change her story later on.

Surprised,

When asking for a disclosure info regarding her that the fact will be corroborated by a poly test.

This way you have a better chance to get the truth,. It is not about accuracy but WW being afraid of failing that will make her disclose more.

Other thing, ask about previous indiscretions, maybe not sex but inapropiados relations.

I belive what she has told now makes sense. At least in general lines and about this especificaciones OM.

All about friends that supported or knew before you. They need to be gone as well.

Good luck

Sounds like she was looking for an escape from boredom of marriage and the stress of raising kids. She was tired of being the good wife and mother and wanted to be "bad." Thanks to her friend probably egging her on she never checked herself. Yea, that friend needs to go.

Your wife probably thought she could act promiscuous like a young man with no attachments. Problem is that once an affair starts, women in particular, are emotionally taken in by the chemicals the brain releases when sneaking around with a new partner. You throw in future faking from OM, and she's ready to throw her family overboard for a person she barely knows.

In her earlier fogged up state, there's no doubt that if OM would have been willing to run off with her, she would have bailed. That's what the emotional high does to a WW. They are totally reckless. Think about it, for a wife and mother with a 2 year old at the time, to give a BJ to OM on the 1st time she met him, is acting like a complete wh...

Now that the fog is lifted, she is seeing clear again but the problem is that she can't be unfucked. No matter how sincere she is now, it won't change the fact that she has been sullied. That's the bitter pill you'll have to swallow to keep the family intact.

My wife said that was a bunch of bullshit.

I hope you've learned by now to be skeptical about everything your WW says.

I don't know what I want. ... Maybe I'm just waiting until I have a clear head so I can make a clear decision.

That is a very good idea.

I have spoken ot a lawyer all ready. I know my rights, I know for the most part best case scenerio and worst case scenerio.

Excellent.

I have decided as soon as I get home I'm going to ask my wife for a detailed disclosure. I don't expect the timeline to be the full truth, but it can help so I can fill out the gaps, and or discredit any parts of it. It also helps so she can change her story later on.

Also excellent.

As others have said, you are handling this very well.

The email from Om was because he realized what your WW is and not him realizing what he is. OM is in love with no your wife. He was willing to confront you for her.

OM is a fool who was played by your wife. He was told how terrible you are, how bad the marriage was.

She knew what she was doing. Guess what she is now playing you.

I told my wife I wanted a full disclosure. That if there were any lies she told before, or anything she wasn't telling me now was the time to tell me. I made it clear that the only thing she can do to make our lives worse is to lie. So she wrote out a detailed timeline of things. So I'm going to summarise it here.

*****

The first weekend of June 2016 she was at her friend's house, where the other man was staying for business. Her friend, her friend's boyfriend, the other man, and another girl were all there. They were playing poker. The other man was flirting with her and this other girl.

A week later the other man messaged her, saying that his cousin gave him her number. My wife said she responded just to be nice. They said the messages were innocent at first. That they were texting back and forth.

At the beginning of July, he called her saying that he was coming into the city for business and that they should all meet up to play poker at the friend's house. She said she thought nothing of it. She said once she got there he started flirting with her. That they had a few drinks and he was complimenting her and she just ate it up. She said she felt guilty but not enough to stop. She said she doesn't remember what was said exactly as she had been drinking a lot but ended up giving him a blowjob. She says she is pretty sure that they didn't have sexual intercourse that first time.

She said she didn't see him again until two weeks later. They had been talking and he has been flirting a lot. She said her friend told the other man that I was working a lot of hours at work and neglecting my wife. So he told my wife that he'd make her feel better. She said he saw him three times during this time. That they had sex. She says the first few times she felt bad but kept going back.

She said that in August she thinks they met 4 or 5 times. She said that they did a lot of back and forth flirting and sexting. She said it was around the end of August when she in her words was falling hard for the other man. They were spending all day while I was at work flirting.

September he only came down for two days. She saw him both days. She admitted that she lied about working so she could spend all day with him while I stayed home with our kids.

October she said he was busy most of the time he was here. She met him for a drink, but she doesn't think they had sex that time.

November she said they met three days in a row one week, and four days another week. She said he was starting to express that he wanted to be with her. That he and his girlfriend were on a break and that he was going to officially break up. He asked her if she was going to leave me. She said that when she wanted to start pulling away.

Fast forward to December. She said she told the other man right around Christmas time that she thought they needed to stop because things were getting too serious. She said that she wanted to stay married to me. She said he didn't take her seriously. That he started to get kind of aggressive. He told her that he would tell me and make sure her marriage blew up.

She said she started to distance herself from him as she tried to figure out what she was going to do. She said that she called him to meet up in January to discuss ending their affairs, but she didn't go through with it.

She said they didn't talk much during February. She said she started feeling under the wind and hadn't had her period in a while. Since she was irregular didn't think any better. But she finally made an appointment for March 4th where she found out she was pregnant.

She said she told the other man she was pregnant. She said that he told her he wanted to be with her if this was his baby. She asked if he'd help cover the costs for a DNA test and he said no. That he started to threaten her again. Then she said she didn't expect for me to find out about the affair, and that telling me that she wasn't happy was easier than expecting responsibility.

She said when she took the girls for a visit she had thought about having an abortion. But was sick of lying and wanted to come clean to me. SO she told me she was pregnant. That she wanted her family back and thought if she had any chance of me giving her another chance that she'd be honest.

***

I also asked her if she had ever been unfaithful before or if she had ever had any other inappropriate interactions with other men while we were together. She said that she sometimes flirted while out with friends but had never had an affair before.

She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't know and that I wasn't sure how I felt. I told her that I better not find out she is hiding anything because I'll walk. I asked her one more time if there was anything she was not telling me now is the time. SHe said there wasn't.

My goal is to bring this up tomorrow and give her one more chance to tell me anything before I bring up a polygraph test.

Ok I will skip all the fucked up shit she confessed to.

I would only say that IMO she is not wife material anymore. A few drinks, some kind words, and his dick is in her mouth.

What a delight. What a peach. Who would not want to hold onto a gem like that?

Seriously I could to a term paper on her character flaws and disgusting behaviour but after a day full of cancer patients I do not have the energy.

Now this...

She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't know and that I wasn't sure how I felt. I told her that I better not find out she is hiding anything because I'll walk. I asked her one more time if there was anything she was not telling me now is the time. SHe said there wasn't.

My goal is to bring this up tomorrow and give her one more chance to tell me anything before I bring up a polygraph test.

You already told her if there is anything else you would walk.

She already said there was nothng else.

If you give her another chance to change her story before demanding a poly, then your threat to walk means nothing. Empty threats do the exact opposite of what you want. She will see you as weak and start to take the upper hand. If you are really serious about getting the truth from a lying slut such as her then you must project strength.

Shock and awe. Without her knowing, you schedule the poly. The day of the poly you arrange childcare and drive her to the appointment. Only when you get to the parking lot do you tell her it's a poly. If she takes it and passes then you can decide if she is worth the years of pain it will take to R.

But....if she does not pass, or refuses to take the test, or suddenly gives you a parking lot confession with new details....then you walk. Just like you told her you would.

There are too many good, honest, decent women out there that can love and respect you the way you deserve. If she can't pull her head out of her ass and tell you the full truth by now, go find one of those women.

If you are having a hard time picturing a life without her as your wife, or you fear what that life would look like remember....Your stock in the relationship market is good. You are a good man, with a good job, who left a cheating wife. That projects confidence. And women respond to confidence. Her stock in the relationship market will not be soo good. Divorced mother of young children with a history of cheating.

You are the prize here. Not her.

[This message edited by ramius at 2:25 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I never knew getting a blowjob from a newly-met woman, let alone a married woman, is so easy. Just give her some fake compliments with drinks and she would blow me? Wow !

Surprised

She said she doesn't remember what was said exactly as she had been drinking a lot but ended up giving him a blowjob. She says she is pretty sure that they didn't have sexual intercourse that first time.

Bullcrap she can remember shoving his johnson down her throat but can't remember if she spread her legs for him. Bets please...

She met him for a drink, but she doesn't think they had sex that time.

Again women memories are such that they can remember the exact date & time you had your first argument while dating, when they become WW they seem to develop amnesia while trying to remember when some OM had sex with them. Then they get a case of verbal diarrhea to even confuse the BS & situation further.

But through all her posturing, lying & cheating and now truthfulness, sucking up,love bombs, crying & self pitying she can never undo what she's done.

That special bond between H & W is gone. Much like your WW should be.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 4:52 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

You've already given her more than a fair amount of chances to tell the truth. If you're going to reconcile no matter what then just do it, but stop playing games.

It's time to either poly, file or suck it up

My wife's friend is fucked up. They aren't friends anymore. They had a falling out. My sister in law slept with her friend's brother, who was married. There are rumours that the friend knew about her brother's affair with my wife's sister all along. It's seriously fucked up. But I decided not to care. If they are no longer friends because of that, then great. My wife sister was always flirty and sleeping around. So I shouldn't be surprised that my wife followed down that path.

Not taking a stand against adultery let your wife know you're weak. If you would have blown shit up back then, your wife would have known you're a zero tolerance type of guy.

The fact that her sister was whoring and she had friends that whore, you should have been VERY diligent. Her having GNO while you're home with the girls?

Aren't one of your daughters special needs? I've notice a trend of mothers of children with special needs putting their children's well being so they can whore themselves out. You would think that a mother in such a situation would make extra effort to keep the marriage and family strong. I guess cheapening yourself alleviates the stress.

I don't think you're getting the whole truth. Not at all and not for a second do I buy it.

Something just seems off with this. Dig.

Suprised – don’t use ultimatums if you aren’t willing to carry them through. Very few things less effective than a betrayed spouse that makes a threat and then needs to back down. If you are being truthful in that any future info will be a deal-breaker… well… start packing.

Instead of firm ultimatums I often suggest people use a more open ultimatum. Instead of telling her “I better not find you are hiding anything else because I’ll walk” [because she isn’t telling you all – see below] then tell her something like “Right now I’m willing to consider reconciliation but I have my doubts. I can only decide what I can do based on the truth, based on total and complete knowledge of what I’m dealing with. Right now, I’m open for the truth and can probably accept anything you tell me. But anything you leave out, anything that doesn’t match up or anything that I discover or you tell me later can seriously erode my will to reconcile or my belief in reconciliation. There is no way our marriage can be restored without the total truth. You are better off telling me the total truth NOW no matter how much it might hurt me because discovering it later might completely wreck my will to reconcile”.

OK – So I say she isn’t telling the truth… How do I see that?

She says she is pretty sure that they didn't have sexual intercourse that first time

She met him for a drink, but she doesn't think they had sex that time.

The indecisiveness… This isn ‘t trying to recall if she had tomato-soup or pea-soup for lunch that day. This is something she would REMEMBER.

“Pretty sure” they didn’t have sexual intercourse can only eventually lead to her acknowledging that yes – he did penetrate her but it doesn’t count because she didn’t enjoy it… later to he didn’t come… later he used protection… Eventually to the complete truth: They had sex.

But you knew that. You already know they had sex. After all she is pregnant and it required a DNA test to determine paternity. Frankly learning NOW they had sex 10 more times or did it 1000 times in 500 places won’t make things that much worse. But learning that he kissed her in public, that the met once she “forgot” to tell you about… THAT can wreck any chance of reconciliation.

Right now, Suprised you want and need the truth. To get that truth she needs to feel safe in telling you the truth and/or she must realize the cost of lying is too high. If you tell her that anything you discover from NOW is a deal-breaker, then save everyone a lot of time and start the divorce process. Use my suggested approach and see how willing she is to share the total truth. Use her response to gauge your chances of reconciliation.

The story she gave you is what is called "minimizing." And "trickle truth" to come.

Also, ultimatums and threats are weak. 1, won't she be honest except under threat? 2, you already know she's lying about not knowing if she had sex or not, so if you don't walk, it makes you look like your words don't matter.

He flirted with her, then he called her and flirted some more, then asked her to play poker with her, but she didn't think anything of it? Please. She encouraged his attention and she initiated through flirting.

Work on her taking full accountability, not implying he initiated and she was naive and you worked too much and she couldn't help it, it just happened and then it was too late. That is practically every cheater story on here when they get here. She needs full accountability as an adult to stay married.

so while her buddies continued playing cards she and om went into a room and she blew him then they came out and played some more cards?

didnt any of these 'friends' considrt their flirting wrong or notice they disappeared into his room?

they arent friends of your marriage and all of them need a no contact letter from your ww.

My opinion is that she went through the emails and composed her timeline. She might not have outright lied but she also didn't fill in gaps... You will be getting TT but that's normal and you can expect it (but not be happy about it).

The "I don't remembers, or kinda of sure..." means that there is more to the story. For example she doesn't think they had sex that first date. She gave him a BJ maybe he did something similar to her, or they were nude in bed together...that it was almost sex. I'd follow up on the things she is having trouble remembering because if she is blacking out to the point of not being sure... that's a problem in of it's self. She remembers she just doesn't want to add the details or outright lie.

I see a lot of blaming of the "friend". The Friend gave him my number, the friend told him you were a bad husband, the friend...or stuff like... I texted to be nice... I don't see her taking the blame. Yes the friend is an Ass but WW needs to take responsibility for her actions. Just because Friend gives him her number doesn't mean she needs to text with him, or give him a BJ...

It also sounds like a lot of her protesting what happened took place in her head. I was going to break it off but didn't. "Started distancing myself"...Did she ever actually say no to a date when he was in town?

Who else knew about the Affair?

Has she ever lied to you about being at work before? (unrelated to this affair) How did she justify doing this to you for two days?

In Oct when they met for drinks why didn't they have sex?

Did he ever see the kids?

Did he/she ever give OM/her a gift? Write a card?

Besides OM has she ever kissed another man since being married to you?

TT is normal, its not fair but it's normal. You will get more answers each time you ask her things. You need to stop her from blaming others for the Affair... OM and "friend" are horrible people but there are many other people like OM and "friend" out there she needs to understand that the affair didn't happen because of them.

She needs to take some ownership or this will happen again.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:56 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Idle threats don't scare WS's. So far you've done a lot of threatening and not followed through on anything. Spring the polygraph on her in the parking lot. If she is being truthful that won't bother her a bit. In fact, she'll be happy to take one knowing that it'll prove to you that she's telling the truth. Too many BS's give the WS too much head's up on poly's. Schedule it and go. Let her know when you get there. If she blows up or resists it in any way then you know the deal.