SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After I put the girls to bed, I'm going to get everything gathered together to said the betrayed girlfriend. I found a PO box of a business she runs. I'm going to send a letter and a flash drive to that address with my email address in case she wants to respond back.

You might want to add something to the packet that asks her to respond just letting you know that she got the information and that you will not contact her after that unless she requests it.

I agree with Redbaron and notanotherchance.

I completely agree with both.

So the most immediate problem's severity has been downgraded. It allows for others to be brought front and center.

The thing about R is that trying to focus on one thing at one time really does help.

It helps to keep one single thing at the forefront at one time. It avoids being overwhelmed and losing hope.

So are there are plans for your W to attend IC ? If you stay M or not she is still going to be in your life and be a mom to your kids. She needs to address her own faults to be any kind of FWW candidate or STBXWW in the future.

Her beginning to figure out how she allowed herself to do this (hint nothing to do with you) is necessary regardless.

I think you understand she is not "normal" in her head. She needs to explore why her actions and values don't line up lately.

It is the only chance of R even being a possibility for her.

IC for you would be good too. You have a lot thoughts bouncing around all day and everyday. It is time to start picking some of them apart.

It is not easy and can be very painful, but it can become a bright spot in an otherwise dark time in your life.

As you go through this keep one thing in your mind. Integrity. You've shown great integrity in how you handled this so far. Your W has lost hers. She might get some back through hard work and consistency over time, but integrity (and by extension trust) are things your W needs to earn now. Nothing is just given on faith anymore. They are easy to lose, but very hard to earn back.

No one would blame you for not believing her if she said the sky was blue. You shouldn't. Further you need to go outside and look up.

Verify everything she tells you.

Her actions show you were she is at. Apart from going NC and working a few more hours, what has she done to make this right ? Not words. Actions. It doesn't sound like much. Effort counts and based on what you have shared I don't see much effort.

That is what you need to start paying close attention to right now. What is she doing and what does that tell you about what she wants and why.

If she is playing nice just to keep her lifestyle and lower her burdens. It will show.

Further your W does not have remorse. It takes most WS time to get there. You have time right now.

D now versus 6 months from now will not change the outcome that much.

This is a huge decision that has many moving parts. Give each weight consistent with what you want out of life.

I did not stay M with my W because I loved her or thought she loved me. I stayed because my kids were important to me. I enjoyed my financial stability. It was enough to stay M that day. Over time the love returned albeit a different flavor of it.

Anger has energy to motivate change, but it should not be the primary thing behind big decisions such as D or R. Emotions dissipate and logic prevails. Emotional decisions can end very badly and we regret them once the emotions driving them are gone.

Please take some time to think things through. Ask your W for what you need. Watch her response. Not in word, but in deeds. Actions can't be faked for very long.

I know it sounds crazy, but I have sympathy for my W today. I can see that she lost so much and has to remember how she ruined everything. She also has to acknowledge that our M survived due my grace and strength. In spite of her actions to destroy it. I am proud of that.

Also please take some time to mourn your M as you knew it. It is important. Just don't get stuck there permanently. We have to let go of things that are outside of our control sometimes so we can focus on what we can control.

The rub is knowing which is which.

I know you sound like you are doing well, but I am sure this hurts and doesn't feel like you are doing well. This is "surviving." Be kind to yourself through this. Remember who you are and don't let this horrible time in your life change you. Keep in mind what you've accomplished through major adversity. Be proud of those things. It really does help.

After I put the girls to bed, I'm going to get everything gathered together to said the betrayed girlfriend. I found a PO box of a business she runs. I'm going to send a letter and a flash drive to that address with my email address in case she wants to respond back.

You might want to add something to the packet that asks her to respond just letting you know that she got the information and that you will not contact her after that unless she requests it.

The other BS needs to know. She too has been in the dark for a year or however long the A has been going on. Do you know for sure this is your WW only A?

Has she done a time line and stuff like that.

This will also be a test for Mrs Surprised. Once that message is delivered and the OM panics, first he will tell his W that you are crazy, then he will most likely contact your wife with a "WTF did you do!" text, message, phone call, etc.

The question is how will she react, will she tell you ASAP he is trying to contact her or will she say "WTF did you do!" to you?

If she breaks NC or takes his side you know there's no hope for the M. If she does the right thing, that is a step in the R direction.

and congrats on the baby. Long after this chapter is done you will have another great kid. A kid who knows her dad is honest and has integrity and strength. Her mom...maybe not so much unless gets her act together, and she very well might

Before you get any further down the reconciliation path I really think you need to look at something your wife said to you:

She said that she was happy that the baby was mine and that she couldn't have asked for a better outcome

Did you ever think you would hear her say something anything like this? Can you believe that she can say this to you & expect you to be pleased?

Just understand that you are becoming desensitized to the cruel insanity of a cheater.

You're totally right. I'm usually pro reconciliation but this is about as worse as I've ever heard.

I agree with Anoka. I disagree with numb and dumb

Surprised87, just because you now know the unborn child is yours and it releases some of the pressure you are under, you, your wife and the marriage still have a mountain to climb to get out of infidelity, you need to step back, take your time to go through again everything that has happened, before you make any decisions, the only thing you have to be positive on is that it's your decision not your wife’s or for the children’s sake, that the course you take is the right one.

Big decisions like this must be thought through thoroughly and not rushed; rash quick decisions can ruin it for everyone’s future.

Regards BJE49

I took all day yesterday to really take in everything that has happened. My wife has been more affectionate, which I'm sure is manipulation. But it felt good too because I was lacking in that department.

Today I'm feeling angry. I am just seething, and I had to leave the house because I was afraid I was going to punch her. I'm not a violent person but the reality, the emotions I had been holding inside were coming out. I decided to go to work for a few hours to get caught up on a few thing.

I had also decided against mail these things to her instead. I sent her several emails with files and files of proof. I just want this over with. I just want to see what the other man does next and how my wife reacts. The sooner I can find out how much she really cares the easier this will be.

I now have soon to be 3 children to worry about. I just need to keep a clear head because right now I feel myself consumed with so much anger.

Surprised, can you answer yourself what motivates you to stay with her and keep this child? What is your reason? I know it's nearly impossible to keep cool, but I strongly advice you to make decisions rationally as opposed to emotionally, for a sake of the best long-term outcome as opposed to instant relief. Stay rational because your emotions are not your allies right now, and the fact that you and your wife still live together is already a bold decision on your end.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 1:04 PM, April 15th (Saturday)]

The child being yours makes you in the same situation most here. Your spouse cheated. Having her with another child makes it a different story as to reconciling or not.

People who are wanting divorce doesn't post here frequently. I can recall maybe 3 or 4 in a few years who truly wanted to divorce. You can read the threads here on the pages and see if you can find more than one who wanted to divorce.

You are acting like a person who wants to reconcile. What you should be is truly noncommittal. It is OK to ask her to do things, but let her do it. Don't become the dad reminding his daughter to do her homework.

Let it all play out. Your wife will show you what's she made of.

The worst possible things a shaky marriage can have is a new baby. This is a recipe for a disaster worthy of a Greek tragedy. I'm not suggesting an abortion, and I get the child support ramifications, but she told you she wanted out. And she had an affair for "only" ten months. What are you trying to save here? I get the fact that she is scared about you leaving her. She should be. But what is the upside for you? A family with a wife that secretly despises you? Forever?

The point is that nothing I see here is that she is any other mode than damage control. So again I ask, other than mope around and get a few extra work hours, what has she done to make you feel that it is worth trying R?

ETA to say I just noticed you have been married since 2015. I get that millennials look a the world differently from us boomer, but for craps sake. She's been in an A for half your actual marriage! What is wrong with this person?

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 6:12 PM, April 15th (Saturday)]

keep her in OK mood without undue distress for the sake of the welfare of the unborn. As others say if you are R,you have to make sure she really care about you and not that she want you to stay around because of her current situation.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:27 PM, April 15th (Saturday)]

And I received a response back from the other spouse.

She said she has been in an on and off again relationship, just as my wife has said. She said she has been on for the past year. She is furious. They live together but he told her he travelled lots for work but she never knew because they had separate finances. She told me thank you for reaching out but didn't want to stay in contact. I said that was fine. So that is that.

My wife starts her new job on Wednesday. She was worried about not finding a job being pregnant but I'm friends with the manager so that was no problem. So it's full time, day time. So at least I don't have to worry about her running around causing trouble. The only thing bad about it is she does leave her old job with little notice. But I have to think about our family.

I always knew the passwords to social media and her me. I had changed mine. I checked recently and she hadn't changed any of her accounts. She hadn't deleted the emails or anything. So at least without asking she isn't hiding anything in plain sight. The new job and having no contact that I can prove. That is the only thing she is really doing.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:41 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

Did you actually speak to the OBS? Or was it through email only?

Unfortunately, the truth is, you don't know if it was OBS,or OM. Sending all of that to an email address is about the worst possible way of telling the OBS. Email addresses can be..And are usually..shared. Unless it's a work email address.

That the OBS is supposedly furious means nothing. That she doesn't want any further contact is very telling. OM fakes some anger,collaborates the story your WW gave you, says no further contact,so you won't reach out to his wife again...And OBS remains in the dark.

You need to contact her again..And ask that she call and verify it was her who received the information. Tell her after that, you will respect her request.

Did your wife know you were going to tell his bw? Have you been clearing your history when you visit this site? Does she have any idea about SI? Does she have access to your email account?

Well good news is it was the other betrayed spouse. Because the other man messaged my wife from another account. The one that had his girlfriend on in. My wife showed me the message and told me she swore that she didn't know that he had that one. Anyway, he messaged her calling her a whore and then started calling me a stalker. That she (my wife) was nothing but a booty call and (said something very very mean, that I won't repeat here, in case it triggers some) The wife didn't respond but looked so full of shame. Probably because her knight in shining armour is nothing but a piece of fucking shit. She asked me what she should do. I told her to just block him. Let him deal with his own shit. Then I asked her if he was worth risking her family for. She said no, and cried.

Surprised, that to me is the most satisfying thing that happened... when the WW finally found out the shining armour was cheap ass aluminum foil and the Knight was nothing but a lying, manipulating, terrified piece of shit and the unicorn(I mean white horse) he was riding was nothing more than a jackass! The only thing that made me feel better also made me feel worse because she fell for the bullshit and chose it over our 22 year marriage. I still struggle with why I stayed when she so easily chose the rainbows and unicorns. Your WW will FOREVER live with those words in her mind and never forget that she betrayed her marriage as a booty call.

t/j:

tmacfire,

You seem like a strong man who is swallowing his self-respect in an effort to make this work. That won't work. How do you feel about yourself taking this approach? Probably not very good. Wanna get your mojo and swagger back? Dump the cheater and salvage your self-respect.

end t/j

he messaged her calling her a whore and then started calling me a stalker. That she (my wife) was nothing but a booty call and (said something very very mean, that I won't repeat here, in case it triggers some) The wife didn't respond but looked so full of shame. Probably because her knight in shining armour is nothing but a piece of fucking shit.

This is why BHs MUST find the other betrayed and EXPOSE. WH nearly always throw the OW under the bus to save themselves from their BW's wrath.

Then I asked her if he was worth risking her family for. She said no, and cried.

WWs are totally destroyed when they realize that the POS they thought was such a fearless, strong, and confident man, turns out to be a coward.

The WW wants the affair to have been special. That she risked destroying her marriage and her children's well being for something deeper but it turns out that her "soulmate" was just blowing smoke to get the hot free sex.

She cheapened herself and went from respected wife and mother to being some POS' side piece. It's a bitter pill to swallow. That's why she cried at that question. She came within a whisker to being impregnated by a guy that used her like a free prostitute. She just got paid in sweet nothings that he whispered instead of cash.

ALWAYS EXPOSE TO THE OTHER BETRAYED.

Ugh! Fuck Sakes!

I swear my life is something I swore only happened in movies seriously.

So other betrayed spouse emailed me from another email. She said she didn't want the other man to know she is still emailing me. She showed me a few text messages between the two of them confirming some of the bullshit he was telling her. She told me that her other spouse told her that my wife was obsessed with him and wanted to have a baby with him. He also told her that my wife kept saying she was planning on leaving me and that he (the other man) made her feel good. He apparently stated that he told my wife that he had no intentions of being more than just friends with benefits. Among a bunch of other things. I showed the email to my wife.

My wife said that was a bunch of bullshit. She said that he made the first move. That her friend who was his cousin gave him his number. That she can prove that he sent the first text. That she has proof of her friend admitting to giving him her number. She also said that he never told her that they were to be friends with benefits. Right there I said so you intended to be with him. She said no. It wasn't like that. She said she liked the attention. That it wasn't until a few months ago that she really wanted to stop the affair. She said she never intended to leave me but the other man was threatening to expose her so she thought in her twisted mind that leaving me or having me leave her would be easier then having to admit that she was a whore (her words not mine). Then when she found out she was pregnant, she panicked. She did admit that she never wanted me to find out. Her plan was to have the other man agree to have a DNA test done, and if it was his, she was going to have an abortion. She also said the other man said he was on a break, and she didn't know that he was living with this girl. The part about him being on business was true. He did stay with the cousin and seen her while he was here.

The best part of this conversation is that my wife said he did it on company time. That he admitted it to her. I am considering finding out where he works and letting the business know what their employees are doing on company time. My wife said she is going to support me on my decision. She is pissed that she was played as a fool. And I'm pissed that my wife is a cheater and that piece of shit knew we were married and still fucked my wife. I'm not even going to get started on the lies and truths that are spilling out.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 12:29 AM, April 17th (Monday)]