SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my wife had been cheating on me. Bare with me as I may be all over the place while I piece together my broken marriage.

My wife is 28 and I'm 30. We started dating late September 2003. She was 14, and I was 16. I had met her through a friend of mine at a party. We hit it off pretty well. We dated until the end of January (two days after report cards), her father made us break up because her grades in school were slipping. We still talked but didn't hang out outside of school. At the end of the school year Juneish 2004 we got back together but hid our relationship for six months. Her father found out, but this time was cool with us dating.

In August 2005 I was offered a scholarship to school six hours away. We tried to have a long distance relationship but ultimately I broke up with her just before Christmas. In January of the following year she started dating someone else, and the following month I started dating someone else. I dated this girl for almost a year before we broke up. My wife broke up with her boyfriend shortly after.

In March/April (can't be sure of the month) 2007 my wife and I started talking again. I flew home in time for her graduation; we got back together that night. The following month she moved to the city I was living, in with some roommates. Around Christmas time she found out she was accepted into a community college. To save money, we moved in together January 1st, 2008. We had been living together ever since.

In January 2010, our first daughter was born.

In December 2013, our second daughter was born.

On July 4th, 2014 we got engaged. We bought our house a few weeks later. On January 31, 2015, we got married. Since then our relationship as went down hill. On February 12, 2016, her grandfather passed away. She grew very cold and distant. She always went to bed early, never wanted to anything. Developed depression. This went on for a few months. Around June 2016, it appeared she came out of her shell. She started to hang out with friends, started frequenting the gym and our sex life came back to normal. I thought things were great.

Then all of sudden at the end of November something changed. She told me that she wasn't happy, that she wasn't sure she wanted to be married anymore.Of course, I blamed myself. I tried to help out around the house more, I tried to help with the children more. After a few weeks of this, she became more distant. I suggested marriage counseling. She agreed. We did two months of it and things began to look up. It seemed my wife was back to herself.

It lasted two weeks. We got into a huge fight. She decided to go on a weekend trip (last weekend of last month)with a friend. I decided to take my girls up to see some family. My parents watched them while I went to hang out with an old friend.

I told my friend about my marriage problems. He asked me if it was possible my wife was having affair. He told me what I was describing was exactly how his ex-girlfriend acted before he caught her cheating. I didn't want to believe it. I brushed him off at first. But I pondered it the next week.

On March 9th, my wife and I were laying in bed. She went to have a shower. I checked her phone and surprisingly she didn't have a password. I came across thousands and thousands of text messages between her and another man I only got through some of them.

The next few days I went vigilante trying to find out all I could. I found texts, and emails. She has been in an emotional affair with this guy going back to a June 2016. From what I learned the other man lived over a thousand miles away. I know for sure they had met a few times. The same day she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me, I found out the other man said he wanted to be with her and asked her if she'd break up with me.

I held this information inside not sure what I was going to do. Five days ago she came home from work and started a fight with me. She told me I was not a good husband, on and on and on. I finally blurted out, I'm pretty sure fucking another man doesn't make her a good wife. I told her I knew everything. She broke down and cried, and admitted everything I knew and more. She told me he was her best friends cousin. She met him briefly when she was hanging out with her friend. They talked a bit. Her friend gave my wife number to him, and she said they began to text back and forth. At first, she said she didn't intend for anything to happen. But she liked talking to him. She said she has met up with him in person at least 20 times, the first time she gave him oral, and the other times they had full sex intercourse. I called her a whore and every name under the sun. She went to stay with a friend for a few days and then took our girls to visit her parents. She came home today because our oldest can't miss any more school.

We talked for a bit. She told me she wasn't happy, didn't know if she loved me that way anymore and just needs time. I told her if she didn't love me then why not just break up. She told me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I told her she isn't sleeping with me. So here I am. I'm heartbroken. I love this woman. I don't want to lose my family but how do you stay with someone who isn't sure they even want you.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:30 AM, March 31st (Friday)]

Honestly you don't stay with someone that isn't sure they want to stay with you. What you do is move on from infidelity. She comes along if she wants. You can't make her do it and you can't nice her back into it. First things first. Try to take care of yourself and your children. Be good to yourself, don't drink too much, try to sleep, eat, etc. and continue to be a good Dad through this as much as you can.

Now for your wife. I wouldn't let her spend too much time making up her mind. There are a lot of stories here that you can read and you'll see a lot of patterns that repeat themselves. One of them is that when the wayward spouse says they are unsure and need time they are doing a couple of things. Giving you a chance to play the pick-me dance where you cater to their whims and ego and also giving the affair partner a chance to clean up whatever they need to clean up and get their new life started. Your wife is probably right now planning the move, where she is going to live, looking at schools, etc.

You put a stop to that by letting her know that you are moving on with or without her. You aren't deciding yet to reconcile but you are deciding to be out of infidelity. If she wants to come along she goes complete no contact (NC) with the other man (OM) and she allows you to monitor all of her communications so you know this is true. You go see a lawyer right now regardless of what you decide as knowledge is power and you need to regain some power. You also find out who this guy is exactly and if he has a wife/girlfriend. If he does you let them know what is going on. This is to help you as well as just being a good guy. (And the satisfaction of screwing up his life a little is not bad either)

Also this friend that gave her the number and probably encouraged it has to go as well. She cannot be a part of your life going forward and if you stay married not a part of your wife's either. Lots to take in I know and emotions will be a bitch. Try to control your anger. Read the Healing Library and other posts. See the links to the 180 and try to implement some of that.

Good luck. There will be a lot of support for you here. Keep coming back and don't tell your wife about this site. You need a place of privacy and safety.

Welcome to the community Surprised. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. There are a lot of people here that can relate, myself included.

First, I want you know that you did nothing to deserve this. This is not your fault. Her actions are her responsibilities, don't let her make you ever feel otherwise. Know that your wife currently has clouded judgement. Some around here call it the "Fog." When she says she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, that is a clear indication of it. We call that fence-sitting around these parts, and it is right out of the cheater's playbook.

While I hate that you have to be here, you've found a great resource early on in this horrible event. You will find that cheaters act in very predictable ways, both during the affair and after they are exposed. Listen to the advice your receive here, it comes from a LOT of experience. I'm only 7 months in myself, but the veterans will be along shortly to point you in the right direction.

In the meantime, start reading in the Healing Library. You'll find it in the gold navigation box on the left. Do the following immediately:

- Get tested for STDs.

- Start eating healthy, getting sleep, and working out.

- Treat yourself right. You need to focus on you now.

- You don't need to make any major decisions about trying to stay with her, or leave her, immediately. These things take TIME.

- Demand immediate NC (no contact) agreement with your wife as an absolute condition for you to not move forward with a divorce immediately. You are not choosing to reconcile right now, you are choosing to exit infidelity.

- Get his name, if the AP (affair partner) is in a relationship, and who else knows about this aside form your wife's "friend."

Also, keep in mind a few themes show up here a lot. The initial truth you find out is typically just the tip of the iceberg. When they are "caught," versus confessions, they almost always hold details back. They will rugsweep, blame shift, and fence sit. She is focused on damage control and protecting herself right now. She is not even a candidate for reconciliation until she comes out of that mode and shows you that she understands the enormity of her actions and the potential consequences to her husband, and children. Then there is the big one in my mind; sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. That isn't playing a game either. I mean you really need to be ready to move on with your life and do what is right for you and your children. Reconciliation is a gift that must be earned, or it is worthless.

Lastly, and this is something you won't hear a lot around here, your wife is a human being. Try not to fly off the handle at her, you are going to be extremely emotional. Try to remain rational at all times. Save your emotional discharge for when you are alone (I have learned how to repair drywall very well). She is in a fog of emotion, selfishness, fear, and pain. She caused it, not you. It is important you are aware of how she is feeling though. Later, if she comes out of the fog, she will be hit by shame, guilt, and even more fear. Remorse and contrition will sometimes come after this, and they are necessary for R. If she makes it that far, be ready for non-linear progress. Sometimes it is 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, one step sideways, and a dosey doh.

Hang in there friend. You've been heard.

[This message edited by IdesofAugust at 11:40 AM, March 31st (Friday)]

Make it easy for her and tell her to go live with the OM but she can't take the kids.

Right now, you're likely in shock.

She's on the fence and you need to knock her off of it.

1. Get tested for STDs

2. Get a lawyer and draw up divorce papers. Have her served.

3. Read and implement the 180. It is hard, but critical for your success.

4. Get in and see a therapist. This stuff messes you up.

Best of luck. You've been heard and other smarter people will come along and give you even better ideas.

Thanks. I've been trying to keep it together but is hard.  I also live in a state where I'm lucky to even get 50-50 custody following a separation/divorce. I had looked up and talked to a few people about custody because that is a big thing for me.  If we divorce I'll turn into an every other weekend dad most likely, and that breaks my heart. She has been the primary caregiver and me the breadwinner since our youngest was born. She does work 3 evenings a week. This whole thing is one big fuck you. It sucks. 

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:52 AM, March 31st (Friday)]

Surprised87

I very am sorry that you are here.

The first thing is that you are possibly still in shock, DDay 5 days ago is so recent. You must take some actions to preserve your own health. Remember that you must hydrate and eat. Exercise is also helpful. Please no alcohol.

If you find that you cannot eat, try smoothies or the protein shakes that bodybuilders use. You need your strength to look after the children.

The second thing is that you have zero responsibility for WW stepping outside the M. Whatever excuses or justifications WW has, they are bullshit. Nothing you said, did, or did not do caused WW to stray.

WW admits to PIV sex 20 times, and a BJ at the first meeting. Wow that is very bad.

I urge you not to make an immediate R or D decision. You will be on the emotional rollercoaster and your feelings will fluctuate wildly. The children will tie you to WW for years in any case. If you are in the USA, it is likely that WW will be unable to take the children out of state without some sort of court hearing.

You must start a journal immediately documenting how you contribute to child care.

Especially document any instances where WW puts the A and AP above caring for the children.

If you feel that you are too confused and stressed to make rational decisions the 180 strategy available in the healing library will help you. I hope that you give serious consideration as to trying the 180, it really will help you to gain much needed clarity of thought. The 180 is the first article in the article section and also Q11 in the BS FAQ. The 180 is counterintuitive and difficult to maintain, but it is very effective: it will project a calm confident independent image to WW. There is much more useful information in the healing library, please read as much as you can. You do not need to make any big decisions immediately, and in fact you should probably wait a while before taking major decisions. Note the full 180 does not help attempts to R, in R some aspects need to be changed.

I am afraid that for the moment you cannot believe much that WW tells you. WW has already demonstrated that she is not the caring spouse that you thought she was.

You should make every effort to find as many details of WH’s behaviour as possible. Knowledge really is power. You need a full backup of WW's phone ASAP. Very soon WW will delete all that information.

Forgiving too quickly or without sufficient detail is rugsweeping, and often leads to problems latter. Unaddressed issues fester like an infection deep inside the body: whilst on the surface the wound seems to have scabbed over and healed.

Make a considered decision to try R, if that is your preference.

You need a full panel STD test. Remember some STDs such as HPV have a typical incubation period of 2 years, and can be much longer. As HPV without active lesions

can only be tested for in women, WW needs full panel STD tests for years to come.

You should also consult a lawyer to understand the legal situation. This is self protection.

A written timeline of the A from WW is highly desirable. Ask for this.

WW should hand over passwords to all electronic media.

I strongly feel that you need to investigate further. You need access to WH's phones and email accounts. Technical help can be given on SI if needed.

If OM has a BW or BGF, you most out the A to her ASAP. Find details on OM as a matter of urgency.

This is strongest step you can take to ensure the A is dead and save your M. Do not tell WW you are informing the OBS, just do it. WW will react poorly to the outing, but tough that is all on her. Consider outing the A to WW's family.

Do not tell WW that you are on SI, and do not reveal any information sources to WH.

Please take the advice that works for you from posters here and disregard that which is irrelevant. Only you can decide what is applicable to your situation.

Remember that more relevant details you post, the better the advice you will receive.

Surprised87

The above opinions were an attempt to help in your difficult situation. Other posters may have better opinions.

Stay Strong

We talked for a bit. She told me she wasn't happy, didn't know if she loved me that way anymore and just needs time. I told her if she didn't love me then why not just break up. She told me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I told her she isn't sleeping with me. So here I am. I'm heartbroken. I love this woman. I don't want to lose my family but how do you stay with someone who isn't sure they even want you.

She has told you what you need to know, all this "I'm confused" just means she isn't sure how to break the news to you that she wants out. If she isn't 110% into R then you have no marriage.

Don't leave it up to her to make a decision, she broke it not you so your only real choice is to file for a divorce ASAP and only THEN watch and see if she attempts to R. Over time you are going to see that no matter how much you love her it's going to get hard for you live with yourself for staying with her after she disrespected you so much.

You are still in shock of course but don't kid yourself into thinking just waiting on her to make up her mind will work in your benefit. Don't worry about filing for a D, only about half of the people that file actually go through with it (I still have a filing from 2009 and I've been in R ever since). YOU need to take control and right now that means tell her you want a divorce and give the impression you are done with her. Believe me, she'll change her tune once she sees you are able to walk away as a consequence of her actions. Cheaters do only the bare minimum when it comes to keeping an M together so being the nice guy want work.

[This message edited by Dobby at 3:06 PM, March 31st (Friday)]

Call a divorce lawyer. The initial consultation is free and he/she will be able to answer your questions and give you some general legal advice. Tell the lawyer that you don't want to live under the same roof as your wife and ask him what your options are as far as moving out. He should be able to advise you as to how to legally be separated from her. Then, walk away & file for divorce. The chances that you will ever "get over" this are very small. The best, quickest way to heal after being cheated on is to eliminate all contact with the cheater. You will still have to have some contact with her regarding your daughters but keep it short and to the point. The less you see or hear of her the better.

I know this is hard to hear because all men want to try to salvage the life they had and will do damn near anything to do just that. But later on you will hate yourself for being such a pussy and you will hate her for her betrayal.

Is her boyfriend married or similiarly attached?

Why on Earth did your wife's friend give her the guy's number? To what extent was this friend aware of the affair?

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 5:31 PM, March 31st (Friday)]

My wife is no longer friends with this girl. They had a huge falling out. They posted crude things about each other online. My sister in law (wife sister) slept with her friend's brother who was married. Some really fucked up story that I want no part of.

I'm going to contact a lawyer first thing on Monday morning. But from people I know who have been through the same thing I'm going through, it doesn't look optimistic so I'm not expecting for things to go my way. If anything my wife would be given exclusive use of the house, be given temporary primary custody, and I'd have to pay her child support. Being a man in my state is shitty as fuck.

Unforuntely we'd be in a lot of contact. My oldest daughter has some medical issues. Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. We have her in private counselling, occupational therapy, and a psychologists. I go to all these appointments and I wouldn't expect either one of us to miss these things.

As for the other man; I did some digging and doesn't appear he is in any relationship of any kind. I can't be one hundred percent sure but I'm as close to confident as I can be. I do believe he some desperate loser praying on vulnerable women. My wife isn't innocent, and I'm not making excuses for her but she was in a depressed state when they started "talking".

We talked for a bit. She told me she wasn't happy, didn't know if she loved me that way anymore and just needs time. I told her if she didn't love me then why not just break up. She told me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I told her she isn't sleeping with me. So here I am. I'm heartbroken. I love this woman. I don't want to lose my family but how do you stay with someone who isn't sure they even want you.

It is the Fog and cake eating- arising from actions due to low morals and selfishness. she wants the comfort and the safety of the family meaning you and the POSOM for her sexual needs and fantasy. The POSOM, an expert in this may be feeding her what she wants to hear and she may be giving the b'tard a blue print by saying what is wrong in her life.

Take strong actions even if you want to R. Such as exposing, checking whether she shows real guilt etc etc. Your stern actions like filing D will wake her up from the fog. what happened in D is the last thing you want to think about considering living with a lose minded woman. It says you want to take actions towards ending your marriage to save it. Also while at the lawyer you can talk about custody issues- whether you can get sole custody or 50/50 at least. In case someone has to leave house it should be the one who broke marriage vows

hope you have mental strength in this difficult time. best to keep talking with someone close and dear to you

[This message edited by goalong at 6:20 PM, March 31st (Friday)]

"She was in a depressed state of mind?" Stop thinking like that. In a sense, your wife is admitting that she had probs in her marriage and the answer lay in another man's pants.

You can look forward to a marriage of affairs with a generic response of "I was lonely. I was depressed"

I had been ignoring my wife all day today. But she finally cornered me in our bedroom and told me we needed to talk. That we should find a baby sitter for the kids. Then she just started crying and had me promise not to freak out. So I'm trying last minute to have someone come and watch our kids. I don't even know if I want to know what she has to say but she sounds pretty scared, or something. I don't know what to expect.

Also sorry you are here...similar story for me in 1994...but only two sexual sessions...3 month getting to know each other first. OM was brother of co-worker/friend.

She moved to her mothers for about 4 weeks..he had been married 4 times, 1yr in jail for auto theft..KKK member...delinquent at two banks for over $45k...evected from apt because of suspected cocaine distribution. Good to have friends with state's prosecutor...access to many records.

She called me a liar when i gave here 3 page report with former wives phone numbers..arrest and case record numbers that were public. The sister her co-worker/friend witheld all this from her. She wanted divorce to marry this guy..she and i are reasonably well off.

As for the other man; I did some digging and doesn't appear he is in any relationship of any kind. I can't be one hundred percent sure but I'm as close to confident as I can be. I do believe he some desperate loser praying on vulnerable women. My wife isn't innocent, and I'm not making excuses for her but she was in a depressed state when they started "talking".

I think a lot of us can relate to aspects of this. I personally would have loved if OM were attached so I could expose him, but he wasn't and there was no working relationship with my WW so he really faced no consequences. Yes, he owed me nothing, the responsibility is on my wife -- but that doesn't mean he isn't also a piece of shit. I can only hope he gets his comeuppance of his own miserable accord in the end as I'm above engaging him personally.

My WW was also approached during a depressed state. A lot were, apparently. I don't completely discount that as I am not a perfect husband, but I was a good one. Our wives' slip into an affair is a combination of loose boundaries ("we're only texting/talking, that's not cheating, no point telling my husband") and the slippery slope proceeds naturally as they begin to relate more personally and develop a clandestine bond with someone else. There's entitlement to be found in spades here. "I'm not as happy as I possibly could be, but I DESERVE to be". That's how the rationalization begins. They start manufacturing conflict at home to justify to themselves what a cruel bastard you are. Maybe tell you they aren't in love with you anymore, or even have the brass to accuse YOU of being emotionally unavailable to them while actively pursuing someone else. BTDT. It's all very unfair. They are putting you in a secret competition with the other man that you don't know about where you have to bring home a paycheck to support you family, do all the quotidian child-rearing and homekeeping tasks, AND be an all-star lover; all the OM had to do was text her sweet nothings (in exchange for sex) and show up once in a while to receive his end of the deal; this is encourages your wife to "put out", makes her feel better temporarily without actually improving whatever caused her to enter a depressed state, and she gets to bitch about her problems to OM which I'm sure have no bias and paint her as a saint.

Imagine a bizarre "wife swap" arrangement or version of reality where OM is in charge of paying your bills, disciplining your kids, cleaning up the messes in your house, putting the toilet seat down, cooking meals, getting your kids ready for school, visiting your wife's family and going to social functions with her friends, etc., and YOUR only job is to text her once a day, tell her she looks sexy, you love her, you get to go over there when OM isn't aware or she can sneak over to your place for a quickie, then go your separate ways and resume normal life. Who do you think would do better in this regard. Sounds pretty easy on your end, right? You think OM has the mettle to do all that shit and not piss off or disappoint your wife once in a while? See what I'm getting at here? It's all bullshit. Maybe your wife doesn't see that right now, but that's the comparison she's making. You and OM were in a weight lifting competition where your were struggling (but managing!) to lift a 200lb barbell, while the OM had black helium balloons tied to his bar and all she could see was how strong he was. Load of shit!

Surprized87,

Been following your thread.

Whatever your wife says when you talk try to stay calm and quiet. Just listen and allow her to vomit the truth but don't believe everything.

Use your two ears and not too much of your mouth.

Your silence will either make her feel she has to tell you more or in the least you will hold the upper hand with your silence.

Damn. I'm sorry you are here.

And yes, what 4kids said. Listen to your wife. Read her body language. Make no promises. Don't let her steamroll you or try to make you kowtow into accepting one iota of reaponsibility for this. This is on her.

BINGO! Mouth Kept Shut.. Great post and you nailed life as the OM..

CDB

Var maybe? Or record secretly on your phone?