SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She told me she wasn't happy, didn't know if she loved me that way anymore and just needs time.

She told me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants.

Heard that before, dude. Probably those exact same words too. My take, she is already gone. I didn't want to believe or accept it, no one does at first. I went into full marriage survival mode, tried anything I could think of to 'fix' it. It was an embarrassing waste of time. It wasn't mine to fix and it isn't yours to fix. And I don't see your Wife wanting to fix anything really. She has told you and proved to you with her actions that she doesn't want to be married.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to go ahead see a lawyer and file for divorce. If you act weak and grovel with some pick me dance, she won't respect you and you are sure to lose her. Give her divorce papers and let her know you aren't going to play nice with a cheating wife. I have a feeling it isn't going to change anything because it seems like she has had her mind made up for a while now.

The purpose of this site is to get people out of infidelity whether its reconciliation or divorce. Right now your wife is definately not a candidate for reconciliation. You can't control her only you. Detach and focus on you and the kids and certainly schedule a free consult with a lawyer. Even if you don't file right away you should atleast know your rights as a father.

EDIT TO ADD: I've scrolled through some of the pages, I hadn't realized this was a 6 day old post. The doubts about you being the father is heartbreaking dude. Don't get to caught up in the VAR. You will go nuts trying to become a Private PI. Its so soul sucking. The point of putting a VAR under a car seat is to find out if she is cheating. You already know she is cheating. If she broke it off with the OM, then good, but nothing has really changed unless she is remorseful, owning her shit, and 100% committed to you. And then you have to figure out if you can really accept her back after all this. Keep moving forward with divorce and you can reevaluate only when you see a changed woman.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 1:43 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Where do things stand with the DNA test?

If the child is yours, are you prepared to R?

The in-vitro DNA test was done yesterday and I'll know if I'm the father in 5 to 7 business days. On Monday I had administered at home DNA test on my two older kids, just to remove doubt and I got the results today. They are both 100% mine so at least there is some comfort there. As for what I want regarding my marriage. I honestly don't know what the hell I want. If the baby isn't mine, then I'm going to go ahead with filing as I had talked to a few lawyers and know what to expect. If I am the father, then I'm going to take some time to really think about it. Right now I'm going between sadness, anger, numbness and a little bit of hope. I'm surviving and just keeping things civil until we have some answers.

Great. You have a plan and are moving out of infidelity. How is her job hunt going?

She has picked up an extra shift a week, bringing her up to 30 hours a week. I told her again that she needs to find a day time job and that I can get her one no problem. But she says she'll find her own job.

You really have a double issue...even if the good news is the baby is yours, you still have the year long affair and 20 + meet ups with OM.

There sure isn't an easy solution for you:

1- baby not yours end of M

2- baby is yours, do you R?

3- baby is yours and you D because of the A (I think that is what I would do) While not ideal lots of great kids come out of D families.

4- baby is not yours, she leaves to have a family with OM

Hang in there and run through all the scenarios in your mind before DNADay hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:17 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

You really have a double issue...even if the good news is the baby is yours, you still have the year long affair and 20 + meet ups with OM.

There sure isn't an easy solution for you:

1- baby not yours end of M

2- baby is yours, do you R?

3- baby is yours and you D because of the A (I think that is what I would do) While not ideal lots of great kids come out of D families.

4- baby is not yours, she leaves to have a family with OM

This is has been on my mind ever since I found out about the pregnancy. It really doesn't put me or my daughters in a win-win situation. If it is 1) then that makes it easy for me, but complicates things for my daughter 2) In theory I'd love to keep my family together but I'm not sure, at least right now if that could be possible. 3) This is a strong possibility

Number 4 is what I'm fearing the most. I had brought up that fear with the lawyer. He was honest with me and saying that I couldn't keep the other man away from my daughters. I can possibly postpone it until the baby were to be born but it is a shitty realization that that piece of crap would be a part of my children's life.

That is indeed scary. I'm sorry you have that uncertainty hanging over your head for at least another week.

Man I'm feel sorry for you. No one deserve that! It's funny how your whole life can change in a second.

Listen to the people here, sadly most of them gone through what you are going now.

I had my Dday almost 3y ago, and perhaps another one last year but she doesn't admit. I can't give you any advice but I can tell you one thing. Should you decide to stay together these thoughts will eat you alive. Trust is gone, it's like a glass, once broken you can't fix it anymore. From now on, everytime she is not in home you'll ask yourself the same question all over and over again. The moment she puts nice clothes and goes out, let out clubbing with friends.

Love doesn't cheat, let alone 20 times, no protection ?! This wasn't a mistake on the Xmas party after they got drunk. You make a mistake once, not 20 times. I'm sorry to say but she doesn't love you, she is attached to you regardless of what she says.

I've got a daughter as well and not seeing her makes me sick. I can't hold my tears when she asks me to stay in her new house and play with her.

I know you can't eat or sleep (I lost 5kg) but please for the sake of yourself and the kids stay safe and healthy.

Don't let memories control your life and control your emotions or they will control you.

Listen, life goes on, we live only once. Kids will grow and take their way in life. Think whether you will want to be with this person in 15y time. You are still young!!!

[This message edited by saruman at 6:09 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

My heart goes out to you man, some how some day you will look back and be able to say that you made it through the storm

So she was in a LTA but both are so fucking stupid to not use protection. Now she (and you) are possibly tied to the OM for 18 years. And if you divorce and the OM decides he's not father material he is on the hook for C$ for 18 years.

The choices range from just plain shitty to shittiest beyond belief

How is your wife dealing with this, does she realize that her and the OM could be co-parents for 18 years if the kid is his or do you think that she wanted that as a way to exit your marriage...there are a lot of rabbit holes around here.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:46 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

I don't know your thoughts on the politics or the morality of it, but if I were in your shoes I'd strongly consider abortion as a condition of even attempting R. Even if the baby is yours I feel like it would be a constant reminder of this painful time in your life and the circumstances surrounding its conception. Then again, maybe not. For better or worse this ordeal will teach you just how strong you are.

This is has been on my mind ever since I found out about the pregnancy. It really doesn't put me or my daughters in a win-win situation. If it is 1) then that makes it easy for me, but complicates things for my daughter 2) In theory I'd love to keep my family together but I'm not sure, at least right now if that could be possible. 3) This is a strong possibility

Number 4 is what I'm fearing the most. I had brought up that fear with the lawyer. He was honest with me and saying that I couldn't keep the other man away from my daughters. I can possibly postpone it until the baby were to be born but it is a shitty realization that that piece of crap would be a part of my children's life.

Why does #1 complicate things for your daughters? You job is to grow them into adults who know what love is and know how to raise a family.

Staying with her complicates #1

1- baby not yours end of M

Seriously. Whether or its you baby or the OM's baby or god forbid she miscarriages does not take away the fact that your WW had a 20+ month F*5k fest with the OM using no protection & aware of the fact she could become pregnant.

What she did was disgusting & she crapped over your marriage vows and on you as her partner. I myself would have filed for D like the moment I found out.

I personally believe she is sitting on the fence waiting to see the DNA result & if the baby is not yours I think she will be back with the OM.

If the baby is yours then you have a tougher decision as it looks like she would prefer to keep the family intact for appearances sake, however as she was emotionally & physically connected with her FB for almost two years I would not hesitate to suggest that they will hook up again.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:56 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

I think she thinks she can get away with adding only 30 hours. You need to stick to 40 hours for custody reasons. Keep pushing it. Have you given her a deadline?

4- baby is not yours, she leaves to have a family with OM

As an FYI she should not be able to take the kids and move with him even if she had more custody. He would have to leave everything, job, home... and move closer to you.

My theory on what happened with WW and OM is this. I don't think you WW liked the way OM reacted when she told him she was pg. He might be married or actively in another more serious relationship, he might have realized he would have to move and help father three children (one with medical issues), he might not have realized she was sleeping with both of you.... Whatever his FIRST reaction was, it wasn't what your WW wanted or expected and it knocked her out of the fog. She probably told him that if the baby was his she was going to get an abortion and that's when he refused the DNA tests and said that he would call her husband. Something big went down when she first told him about the pg...She wanted a knight in shining armor and she got a scared OM. Later, he started pleading to run off together but it was too late, she had told you.

I don't believe she will be in contact with him until she finds out who the father is...she is still mad at him.

Regardless of who the father is I wouldn't trust her after you find out the sex of the baby. This was a long term sexual affair that she only told you about because she got pg and the OM threatened to tell you.

I agree with Notanotherchance completely

This affair was completely nasty and disgusting.

I get the legalities but get the best attorney and fight like Sparticus.

besides, you've only been married for 26-27 months and this affair has consumed 10 ? or 20 ? months of it ?

Are you sure she didn't get married for security purposes rather than actually loving you ?

Her fence sitting right now (not that it should be her choice) shows her true colors.

While I disagree with your pro-choice comments earlier in the thread, it is your life and your right to follow things through based on your values. However, the fact that you are even in this position shows how broken she is, or manipulative.

something to think about as well is that your wide is a garden-variety-run-of-the-mill cheater.

it probably wasnt your wife thinking FU. its almost ALL people in an A dont use protection. LITERALLY. dr, nurse, health care educators, highly educated, successful people, smart people, street wise people - we got a big membership and condoms amongst cheaters is rare. very rare.

my www - 2 ons. condoms on sex but not for oral she gave. her lta - never.

i took it as a big FU to me. they even had sex in my bed while my daughter was asleep in the nex room. he even ate a my house same night, as "a friend" with my daughter while i was out of town dealing with an emergency over my son who lived with his mom (shes an ex gf from long before and i now have 85% custody while being a foreigner in germany and male with a german son - a victory for fathers rights here). but i digress. point is that she did the trifecta. in my house, near my baby girl, and in my bed.

better believe it FELT like a big FU. alot of times people do gr pregnant in affairs. we have a thread for it in i can relate. it felt "personal".

i guess sometimes it is a big FU. but not most of the time. usually it is simpler.

the point is that they dont think its necessary to worry about protection because diseases are reality and because an affair is all fantasy with no grip into reality.

its a hard truth but most of us find our ws so self absorbed during their A that they rarely thought much about their bs as anything other than an obstacle to the a.

the greatest probability is that your ws isnt much different than any other and her not using protection was not a giant fu but actually took your feelings and safety and never even considered it.

maybe. my ww told her lta condoms and he said ok but 5 mins later they were piv. imagine that. it took me awhile to understand and accept it wasnt personal. she just didnt care.

thats the next level in the sandwich.

but its rare a ws goes out to try to get pregnant. very rare. happens though. but im sorta shocked it doesnt happen more because read a thread, any thread, and its incredibly rare to hear of protection. very rare.

To clarify why divorce will complicate things for my daughters. My oldest daughter as I said in a earlier post has some medical needs. She is a very anxious child. Routine and consistency is key for her. If she doesn't have her snack, or have her bed time routine before bed it will set her off. She is all ready acting out and have more outbreaks because she senses something is up. She is all ready seeing a child psychologist and a private therapist so they are aware of that there is some tension in the house and will work with her. But I just fear what a separation/divorce will do for her. A change in schedule could be terrible and very hard on her emotionally.

I also do agree she is probably fence sitting. But what she doesn't know that is I found out today that the other man has a live in girlfriend. He has another Facebook and from what I can see my wife isn't a friend. I don't think my wife knows about it because I looked on the girlfriend's page and she posting a lot of in "love" memes. After I find out the DNA test I'm going to message her with all evidence I have. Especially if the other man is the father.

For now, just keep all the info you have away from your WW. After you get the DNA, it would be the time to tell the OM GF...Either way, it's right to let the OMs GF know he is banging without protection, she needs to get tested too.

After you tell the OM GF it would be a good time to let your WW know that she ain;t that special snowflake in the OMs mind. Just an easy sidepiece.

In addition to all that, keep calm in the home front for your kids.

You can come here to talk or vent.

I would get an OOP on OM since he wanted to confront you.

I would also file as she may be a flight risk.