SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Protect yourself

Sorry hit submit...

She was devistated that she took him and her friend at face value...We were married for 4 years..she to this day has no explination for here behavior..she was 43 and fighting PMS above normal...raging out bursts..she had high position in a bank..PMS behavior put her position in jeopardy. We had a successful reconcilation with the help of the Catholic program Retrovialle..i don't think one has to be Catholic to attend.

In 2014 i discovered old letters and cards from her to him..he returned them in a rage when she ended the A back in 1994...i was furious after reading and why she kept them. She says she has not seen them since 1994..they were placed in a box..to be discarded..she disposed of gifts hed gave her..i saw those go to the 'flee-market' in 1994.

Bottom line is i have been in IC and on SSRI's and having a tremendous relapse...Reconciliation and forgivness is a 'life-time' odious journey..

Good luck...it appears you have a much higher mountain...i was 48 at the time...now i am guestioning my decision to reconcile...but at 71..i have had to start the process all over..she says she forgot about the box of letters...IF SHE HAD ONLY DISPOSED OF THOSE 23 YESRS AGO...

I also live in a state where I'm lucky to even get 50-50 custody following a separation/divorce. I had looked up and talked to a few people about custody because that is a big thing for me. If we divorce I'll turn into an every other weekend dad most likely ...

Have you spoken to a qualified attorney about this? In many states, 50/50 custody is the norm. Also, 50/50 child custody can often be negotiated.

Don't rely on what you "people" tell you. Speak to an attorney.

Did she use protection with the other man? Given your description, I doubt it. Does she use birth control?

Things couldn't get any worse.

My wife is 11 weeks pregnant, and she doesn't know if I'm the father or the other man. She said she thinks its mine but can't be 100% sure. She said she was going to have an abortion, but backed out. She said that the possibility of the baby being mine stopped her. She said she looked into non-invasive prenatal but the other man refused to provide DNA for the test. According to her, the other man was threatening to expose her. So she decided to tell me the truth before I found out by someone else.

I told her the first thing we needed to do is get a DNA test done on this baby. First thing Monday morning I'm seeking a lawyer to learn my rights. If this baby is not mine, then I need to know what my rights are. I don't want to be responsible for a child I have no legal right too. My wife said if the baby isn't mine she is going to have an abortion. All I said was if she had any respect or love for me or our children, she'd go no contact with him until we get the results. She called him in my presence and told him that I knew the truth and that she was having an abortion. He called her a bunch of names as the phone call was on speaker phone, and then she told him not to call him again.

I told my wife I was going for a drive where I just cried. This whole thing sucks. I can't imagine my wife being pregnant with another man's baby. I thought it was hard enough dealing with her cheating on me, but in less than a week I find out that she might be carrying another man's baby. I think I'm just in shock and by tomorrow I'll likely be fuming mad.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 10:39 PM, March 31st (Friday)]

Je/^& help you.

I'm so sorry.

I pray you have not one more hurt or betrayal to deal with. Not one more.

I send you all the strength that I have to give. Take care of you and know your friends here on si are thinking of you this night.

Surprised87,

Sorry to hear about the latest revelation .. Hang in there and take care of yourself.. This is a lot to deal with and just know we're here for you...

CDB

Surprised87,

Sorry to hear about the latest revelation .. Hang in there and take care of yourself.. This is a lot to deal with and just know we're here for you...

CDB

I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll wake up and realize it was one big April fools joke. I keep telling myself I promise to laugh. I hate this so much.

So sorry. That's what I was afraid the talk would be. I don't have any advice. Hopefully it is NOT OM's.

Hi Surprised87, I'm so sorry you are here and dealing with this totally craptastic situation.

It is a good sign that she told him it was over in front of you and that she would have an abortion. Maybe the pregnancy is yours, maybe it isn't. Maybe she will change her mind.

Without assuming anything about your religious or moral stance, I will tell you I once had an abortion when I was young, and so I speak with a small amount of experience when I say it simplifies decision making and recovering from the trauma of what you've discovered about your wife's infidelity if you do not have to factor in a third child of questionable progeny into the equation of whether you want to repair your marriage.

If you are not morally opposed to abortion then I suggest it will make your future easier if she chooses this option, even without knowing the genetic results. There will be a cloud over a live birth that relates to the circumstances of conception that will be difficult to overcome.

Now, I would encourage you to read up about boundaries. Your wife has a whole lot of problems right now and they are all her fault. You may be accustomed to helping her with her problems as a good husband does. But right now, at this moment, it's not your job to fix this. It's not your job to help her figure out what she wants to do. It is not your job to repair the damage she has done to your marriage.

What is your job? Give her an opportunity to look at the door, and envision it being between you forever. You on one side and her on the other, and once your kids are grown then it will close hard and she will never see you again. Tell her that her future may very well be out there and she should brace herself to face that future without you to support her, and she won't be having her kids with her every day. She will be bringing them to the door and you'll be welcoming them home and she will have to leave them with you and then go to wherever she's going alone. You'll be fighting for custody and making sure you get as much of it as you can possibly get so the kids can grow up with a responsible adult guiding them. You're going to be the model parent and she's going to feel like a piece of shit.

If she can envision a future without you she can go get it. Let her know it's a viable option and you are consulting an attorney to see whether you will force that option to be her ONLY choice. Let her know that the option to stay with you is hanging by the thinnest thread and you have the power to cut it and may in fact make that decision.

This is the wake up call she needs. She has threatened the stability of the home her children live in. She has seriously damaged her marriage. She has chosen BADLY and should be facing consequences for that choice.

You've received a lot of other good advice above so I won't repeat it, but steel yourself, brace yourself. Be tough and strong for your kids and just hold your grief in check a little right now. You can cry and rage but do try to not let your kids see such raw emotion right now.

Get yourself a lawyer and a therapist. They will each play an important role in your life in the coming weeks. You will need to make good decisions based on good advice.

Hugs to you ((((Surprised87)))) this shit is hard, but you will recover and get yourself out of infidelity and regain happiness in your life. Trust us all on that. You will be OK. So will your kids.

Expose, expose, expose, expose.

If you're screwed in your state no matter what, there's no reason not to.

S87 - wish you strength, brother. Please lawyer up asap. Now is the time to protect yourself...

No matter what you do you need to be in with a lawyer on Monday.

Your second step is to quickly resolve your stance on abortion.

You need to tell her parents asap.

You also need to tell someone close to you for support.

Can you telll your boss so he/she knows why you work is suffering. Maybe you can take some time off.

What was the other man mad about? Did he want her to keep the baby if it was his?

Have your wife's number changed.

what fricking soulmate to have around. You need to accept that your wife has been a curse on you. I do not think this came out of no where. The symptoms sexual or other traits may have been all around and you either missed them or ignored them. You need to think of your future and she will most probably a liability. Just think, talking to the POSOM (of course in the presence of her good caring friend)_ and go in this extreme sexcapade in no time, now seems not even taking any precautions. Regarding the pregnancy were you planning this during her betrayal? If not most probably it is posom's.

I do not know what to do if the baby is yours. But if it is not stay out of it. Let her face it while you are making plans to get out of this mess. It is amazing human garbage like this POSOM go scot free. And the b'tard had the gall to call names? Is there any way to get at him legally/socially?

[This message edited by goalong at 6:24 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

Sheezus christ. I'm sorry.

Given how early all of this is, and the magnitude of your situation, I believe you need to narrow your focus to a few key things.

1) Do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to remain calm and patient. Do not shoot from the hip, do not rage and yell, do nothing of the sort. You need to have basic control of yourself right now while some time passes and you get more information.

2) Do what you can to keep yourself energized. Calories, water, sleep, and no alcohol. See your doctor for help if necessary. Failing on either of these four things turns you to shit and you can deal the way you need to.

3) Think about what your kids need. Your wife is in no position to be the responsible parent. Your kids are innocent and they need you. This makes #2 all the more important.

4) Post as often as you can and get advice on everything.

Good luck.

I didn't sleep much last night but I'm going to try to update everyone.

I haven't really hit the "mad" stage yet. I'm just sad. I watch my younger daughter play, and how happy she is. She keeps bringing stuff up to me, smiling, and I just feel so much sorrow. Now the doubt of is she mine is creeping up in my head. I have decided I'm going to get DNA testing done on both her and her sister. I'm 95% sure they are both mine. My oldest is a perfect match for the wife and I and our youngest is a split image of my sister. But one can never me one hundred percent sure.

As for abortion. I'd love for my wife to have an abortion. If she asked me what I thought about the whole thing I'd be okay with her having an abortion. But I won't suggest it. I'm one hundred percent pro-choice. I respect women's reproductive rights. I wouldn't want my daughters' to be forced or feel obligated to be told what they needed to do with their body. Their mother did me wrong, tore me up and put me into a near impossible situation, but I can't back down from my opinion or my strong sense on the topic. It'd be doing a great disservice. Some may not understand but it is what it is.

My wife did sleep on the couch most of the night. Like me, she was up all night. She kept telling me she was sorry over and over again. I didn't lash at her or did I comfort in anyway. I'm really numb. First thing Monday morning, I'm seeking a lawyer to learn my rights (my wife doesn't know I'm doing this) but we are setting up DNA testing as soon as possible. After work on Monday, I'm going to swing by a drop in health center to get tested for STDS. If I find out this baby isn't mine and god forbid I catched anything, I'm gone. Getting myself untangled from her and this madness.

As for not taking precautions. I wasn't wearing condoms when we had sex. My wife was on the birth control pill which she admitted she forgot a lot of the days. She claimed the other guy used protection half the time, sometimes didn't finish. Probably a bunch of lies. But given the circumstances, my wife and I definately had sex more, so that gives me a little hope this baby is mine.

My wife is a basket case and did some really rotton things. But at least until I get everything settled, DNA testing done and lawyers advice I'm not worried about them being around their mother. She is very attentive, overall involved mother so I give her that much. As for the long term. I'm going to take one step at a time. Not make any rash decisions until I'm legally, emotionally, and financially in a position to do anything.

Edit to Add:

My guess why the other man is so angry is because he lost control of the situation. I tend to believe my wife about him threatening to expose her. Whether he wanted a child with my wife or not I think she realizes how unstable he is. My wife claims he doesn't know where we live. That most of the occurrences happened when I was at work, oldest was at work and youngest was at daycare. Until this DNA testing comes back. So on Monday, my sister and brother in law who I told what happened, is coming to stay with my wife in case this man comes by. Mostly just to make sure my kids are safe. He is less likely to cause trouble if they're people there. I have to work and can't miss another day since I called in sick on Thursday and Friday, and taking the afternoon off on Monday off.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 9:28 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

My WW and I found out she was pregnant 4 days after D-day so I know what pure hell you are going through.

The good news is that at 11 weeks, you will be able to get a result very quickly, within a week or so.

In my case I had to wait 7 weeks because the baby had just been conceived and the testing is usually not conclusive until week 8 or so. That was easily the most difficult time of my life.

The bad news is that the testing is not cheap. But I would urge you to spend the money with a reputable lab. I did extensive research on this and decided to go with Ravgen (ravgen.com). They are by most accounts, the industry leader. It was $2,450 and worth every penny. They only need a blood sample from your wife and cheek swab from you.

I'd also advise you to share what you are going through with your boss if you have a decent relationship. In retrospect I could have easily taken a couple of weeks off at a minimum and I wish I would have done that. I was like a zombie at work and it was pretty obvious.

Hang in there and keep updating us. There is a ton of support here.