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I've checked with my insurance. (they are open Saturdays which is really unheard of) I'm so glad I paid extra for a better package. I can have part of the testing paid for. As for taking time off. I can't afford it; I shouldn't have taken off Thursday and Friday off. I save my paid sick time for my high need daughter's health need. I make 80% of the money and if I take unpaid leave we'd be a huge bind.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 9:54 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

what is your reason for DNA testing? Patch things up and have the kid if it is yours? It is so strange that few seconds before all this came out your wife was fighting with you alleging you are a bad husband. What is the explanation for this behavior most seen with cheating women and not cheating men.

Let know your wife you are squeezed in all directions because of her actions

[This message edited by goalong at 10:29 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

Surprised87

Well this really sucks. I am so sorry.

You are doing great under the circumstances, and have lined up several excellent steps.

First make sure you eat and hydrate. You need strength to care for the children.

The one thing you need to do before the lawyers appointment is get a full backup of WW's phone.

There is is a mountain of evidence there. If nothing else it is leverage that can be used to gain a better deal in child custody negotiations.

You should also backup all WW's email accounts.

WW is very likely to start deleting evidence, if she has not already done so.

In vitro DNA tests are now very low risk.

In your place I would get that test.

I also agree with the DNA tests on the other children.

You have been catapulted into a high stress situation. If it is too much then go onto anxiety meds for a while.

Also the 180 really helps you detach and consider your options rationally.

At 11 weeks pregnant, WW has known about her pregnancy for a while. That is 2 missed periods, and as a mother she knows how pregnancy feels.

In your place I would want to know just who WW told first about the pregnancy. If POSOM was told first I would be furious.

Did WW really act exactly as normal during the last few weeks?

It is very important that that you remain relatively civil in interactions with WW. The last thing you need is DV allegations. I would recommend recording your conversations about the situation with WW.

Document your involvement in childcare, that can help in custody negotiations.

Do not move out of the house, at least until you have seen a lawyer: moving out can be seen as abandonment. Frankly if anyone moves out it should be WW.

I strongly suggest that WW provides a written timeline of the A.

The wife you loved is gone. Perhaps she was never who you thought she was. Cheaters lie often, you have to suspect every word she says.

If D is your choice, be prepared for it to get very nasty. False DV or abuse allegations are far more common than you might think: protect yourself. There are posters here who ended up in handcuffs after false allegations.

There is a special section in the 'I Can Relate Subsection' for children of an A. You might find information relevant to your situation there.

Stay Strong.

The main reason I want DNA testing, is to protect myself and my children. If this is my child she is carrying, I rather know sooner of later. I'm not sure what I want regarding my wife. The sooner I know, the better I can plan for the future. I did ask my wife when she found out. She told me if I believe her that she found out three weeks ago. She has had irregular periods since the day I met her. She told me she went to the doctor for unexplained nausea. She thought it was just stress related, but the doctor did blood work, and an ultrasound and confirmed pregnancy. She also said she told her mother she was pregnant, but not about the affair. According to her, she told the other man shortly before he told her he wanted her to leave me. She claimed to play along because he was getting obsessive and she was scared. I really doubt all she is saying but she said she didn't mean it when she said I was a bad husband.

As for her having me arrested on false allegations. I don't think she would. I mean she could but I don't see how that benefit her except maybe getting custody which I believe are already in her odds as it is. If I get arrested, I'll lose my job no questions asked. I got some of the best insurance; we would no longer be able to afford the private therapy sessions for our oldest daughter, the great occupational therapist, and other things we have. I was lucky to have landed this job and she knows that our children will suffer. But I have read that is recommended I get a VAR, just for my protection. I will order one online as soon as possible.

As for gathering evidence. I have downloaded her texts before I confronted her. I have them saved on my laptop. That is how I got most of the information to get a clear picture. There were some phone calls in between, and a few emails. Mostly proves an emotional affair and some mentioning of a physical affair. Nothing mentioning a pregnancy. She admitted way more than I found on my own.

you have to compartmentalize your feelings. This way you can perform better at the job. Which is must and your main source of gratification/happiness at the moment.

You can be satisfied that you have taken control over the situation and even you are ready to end the marriage (not obsessed)What has happened cannot be undone. Look forward to the best outcome for you

You might want to tell your WW to increase her hours at work. Full time? The fact that she had all this extra time while the kids were at school to screw around means she doesn't need to work part-time. Also, it might help if you get divorced if she has more hours and makes more money and isn't as available for custody.

My guess why the other man is so angry is because he lost control of the situation. I tend to believe my wife about him threatening to expose her. .... My wife claims he doesn't know where we live...So on Monday, my sister and brother in law who I told what happened, is coming to stay with my wife in case this man comes by. Mostly just to make sure my kids are safe. He is less likely to cause trouble if they're people there.

It is good that you have some family support who can stop by the house. Chances are he knows a lot about you , your family and where you live. He and your wife have been flirting and sexting and banging without protection for almost a year.

He knows WW real name, and why wouldn't he, they were in love, so he knows a lot. All you need is a name and a location and some time. FB, google, spokeo all are filled with info.

But I'd think a lot of OM would head for the hills

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:56 PM, April 1st (Saturday)]

If you're going to abort you should get crackin'. She's almost 3 months pregnant. That baby has its own heartbeat and in another week or two will have alpha brain waves and will dream. I assume at that point neither of you will want to kill it.

Wow. Big help.

Having an abortion isn't up to me. I can't force or will I guilt my wife until having one. And in my state, I have up until 24 weeks for it to be done. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. But it is still not my choice.

I have been keeping my distance from my wife. Kind of emotionally distancing myself. She is trying to act all nice. I keep telling her I really don't know what to say to her. She asked what she can do and I at another poster's suggestion said she should get a full time because she had too much time on her hands. She said okay.

I am just keeping it together until Monday when I can actually do something to help myself.

Surprised87

But I have read that is recommended I get a VAR, just for my protection. I will order one online as soon as possible.

Vars are likely on the shelf at places such as Walmart or Best Buy.

Sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 are reasonable models.

Use 44KB data mode not a lower data rate, and lithium batteries. Very much a good idea for talks with WW, so you do not have to remember exactly what she says: you have a reference.

Perhaps get 2, one for the old favourite VAR in WW's car method.

Sunday shopping trip?

Stay Strong.

If I were you, I wouldnt even consider staying in the marriage. I would also let her know that it doesn't matter if the kid is mine or not... there is no future for us. That why she. An do what's best for her regarding abortion or not.

What would have happened if the OM gave her DNA to test? Where wound she be if OM was happy about the kid and doubled down on wanting to be with her? She had this whole thing in the works to find out if it was his before she even told you. You are her back up plan. Shes fighting so hard now because your her only option left She was trying so hard to get you to leave her to make it easy on her.. telling you she doesn't love you, insulting you. Remember even after she was caught she still expressed that she didn't love you. So she talked to the OM, he said no thanks, threatened her... and now here we are. If he was a good man, she would be riding off into the sunset with him as we speak without telling you shit. Just remember she's only here because your replacement back out.

Aaaaand Her best friend thought it was ok to give her cousin your wife's number... probably because your wife has done this before.... multiple times

[This message edited by brandnewwhammy at 12:40 AM, April 2nd (Sunday)]

Surprized87, as well as having saved everything onto your laptop, back it up onto at least a couple of USB sticks as well, why? Because they are small and easy to hide or carry about with you, leave one with a trusted family member or friend, and keep one yourself,your wife will I'm sure eventually look for anything incriminating against her things on her, phone/s, computer’s, emails, etc. and delete it all, she will also look on your things for anything you have against her and anything she finds she will certainly destroy it too, so your laptop is not the safest place to keep what you already have, so you need to be ultra-protective of it, that's why I suggest using at least two USB's, then should she find your evidence on your laptop and or your USB (keep the USB on your key ring to make it easy for her to find it), hopefully she will then think she has all her bases covered.

You don't know what your wife will do now, she has already proved that she has changed by cheating on you, she is no longer the woman you married, she is a different person now, a one you don't know at all, she or you will never be able to turn the clock back to what once was the better part of your marriage and those memory’s.

Sorry to have to say this but you will have to accept that’s the way things are now, either if you want to try R (this has to be on your terms and on 99% of her efforts to R) or you to divorce her, things are certainly going to be a lot different from now on, and neither is going to be easy.

Regards BJE49

Having read your thread Surprised87 I just wanted to say I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and torment you must be going through.

I have no advice to offer you in your situation. I wouldn't know where to start tbh!

It's of no help at all but all I can do is offer you a huge virtual man hug and wish you strength through this truly hellish ordeal!

You are young and you will come out the other side of this eventually...wherever that turns out to be.

Very best wishes.

((Surprised87))

Hey surprised, I just wanted to chime in, while I'm new to the whole infidelity with a spouse, I'm sadly very well versed in paternity tests. I had an ex gf cheat on me get pregnant and we did a prenatel DNA test the blood test type and that baby was not mine. My wife cheated on me close to the conception of our first son but I didn't find out til a year and a half after he was born. We tested him and he is mine. I'm now considering testing my 2nd boy who was born just a couple weeks ago.

I wanted to warn you that the prenatel DNA test was the the most difficult to complete as it sometimes takes multiple tests to get a sufficient amount of baby DNA from mommas blood. For me it took 3 attempts. My heart goes out to you I've been in your shoes too many times. It's smart of you to take your time before acting.

[This message edited by Benbetter at 8:19 AM, April 2nd (Sunday)]

I want to say that you are doing surprisingly well with what you've been dealt. It's smart to distance yourself until after the test. I would also make it clear that if the child is your doesn't mean reconcile is assured. I would also make it known that if she has an abortion it also isn't assured that you will reconcile. While you are trying to stay out of the abortion decision with her she could very well blame you for "making" her have the abortion in order to save the marriage if she is under the assumption that if the child is not yours the marriage is over.

You also might want her to write out a timeline of the affair and include information on when she told OM about the baby. Also, see if the dates she had sex with him and you add up to anyone's baby.

I find her order of events troubling... broke-up with you, told him about the baby, broke-up with him, told you about the baby....Why tell him first if she is sure it's your baby?

So did she tell him for "right of first refusal" to see what he wanted to do? It's good to bide your time about this as she told the OM before you assuming or wanting it to be his...

Is is a horrible situation, even if his baby is aborted what are the chances of you staying married, she crossed so many lines running away from the marriage what would be the reason to stay with her family. Other than it is convenient, all the same issues are there as before but with an extra added dose of a possible OMB

Take the tests, of course y'all need STD test but in addition to the baby the huge elephant of her long adultery is still in the room.

Sorry man...hang in there.

I had to go to six different stores but I managed to find 2 Sony ICDPX312. Next to find a way to get one in my wife's car without her finding out. It feels shitty having to do this but it is either me or her. And it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

I'm going to stop at get some of those at home DNA tests this evening sometime. This kills me to have to test my own children to see if they are mine. I didn't have enough to stop earlier.

Edit to Add:

She wasn't hundred percent sure I was the father. Last night I went through the emails and text messages I downloaded. She saw him twice the month this baby had to been conceived. Based ont he ultrasound. She slept with him 5 days before the day they think she conceived and again 6 days after they think she conceived. I had sex with her 3 to 4 days a week. But I also only have a picture of an ultrasound which I did do a reverse google search for in case it wasn't real. It was. It has her weeks and dates of how far along she was then. Until I get confirmation from a doctor. I only have this to go on.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:33 AM, April 2nd (Sunday)]

Tell her you need to just do a couple normal things to clear your head and take your car to the car wash, then offer to take hers. put it on there.

I have read to use extra heavy duty velcro a stick it under car seat. If she always drives alone, maybe under the passenger seat because of less bouncing or movement, less chance of it falling off.

PS Good thinking on the reverse google search.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:12 PM, April 2nd (Sunday)]

surprised

I had to go to six different stores but I managed to find 2 Sony ICDPX312. Next to find a way to get one in my wife's car without her finding out. It feels shitty having to do this but it is either me or her. And it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

Sorry, I should have included this in my last post. Heavy duty velcro is used to secure the VAR under the drivers seat, possibly the best spot. For in the car, plug some cheap earbuds into the audio jack and cut off the ear-peaces so no beeps will be audible. Cover the lights with some gaffer tape.

Also most phones now can be used a bit like a VAR. Please ensure that you know how to use your phone in this way.

An audio analysis program may be needed to filter background noise from the car. I use a free program called Audacity.

Now you are becoming a combination of James Bond and Sherlock Holmes. I bet you did not see that one coming.

In your lawyer consults make sure you ask about what usually happens when D turns nasty. Shit you would not believe happens often.

When interacting with WW, eyes and ears wide open and mouth mostly shut. Listen and learn.

You need to see the difference between regret and remorse. Remorse is mostly about hurting you and her children. Regret is still all about her.

The difference is very important to the R or D decision.

You are doing very well in your situation, amasingly well controlled.

Stay Strong.