SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree and have same question about William. What kind of morals do any IG these people have? And dies your wife fit right in? You are working to provide, every one else would rather, flirt, drink, and fuck? You don't belong in that group.

Did you ever take one of those standardized tests where they ask,"which of those five items don't fit in?" Why are you with that crew? Just because they had a falling out, does that change her morals? Don't you think they all talk about this stuff and based on continuing friends throughout it for a long time make it likely what their mindset is?

You're doing OK, but understand what you are dealing with. I don't know how much or little morals your wife has, but I don't think you do either. I think it is an important question, and your past assumption must be seriously reconsidered. And what does this mean going forward in your marriage.

The flirting, that is downright disrespectful. Can you imagine your wife's parents overhearing or watching you flirt openly with another young woman? And yet your wife seems the flirting was fine, just the blowjobs and sex was wrong. Her whole mindset is that of her sexuality is OK to share with other men as long as she stays within a boundary. And she knew the boundary was crossed now, but the flirting was OK, just she somehow almost by mistake wandered over the red line.

I suggest strongly to talk with her and come to an agreement as to specifically what is acceptable and unacceptable in communications with the opposite sex, such as if another man says "I like the way you walk, I like to see you coming and I like to see when you move when you walk away" what kind of response should be? I suggest the response is not, "Thank you, I work hard in the gym for that" or worse " I wish my husband would notice, he doesn't seem to know I exist."

She said she doesn't remember what was said exactly as she had been drinking a lot but ended up giving him a blowjob. She says she is pretty sure that they didn't have sexual intercourse that first time.

This is not a good statement IMO, "pretty sure she didn't" more likely than not means she did fuck him the first time, but somewhere in the cheater mind "just a blowjob" is is acceptable to the BH for the first date.

Most people remember the first time they had sex with someone whether oral or all the way. I could see her not remembering detail of the other 20 + times they were together but the first time....she knows and is trying to "protect you".

She blames it on the drinks...but in her past is she a blackout drunk?

I am thinking there could be other OM in her past, maybe just one or two, but if this is her first rodeo she really burned down the barn...

Let her know that if she tells all, no matter how painful it will be 100x more painful in a year when you find out she lied. And the marriage will for certain be finished.

October she said he was busy most of the time he was here. She met him for a drink, but she doesn't think they had sex that time.

I'm sorry, but she is still not being honest. She knows whether they had sex or not (and they most likely did, because if they didn't she would have told you that.)

Surprised:

The one thing I find myself wondering after reading the time line is what would have happened if he had agreed to pay for the DNA test and he found out that it was his kid.

Would they have ridden off into the sunset together without so much as a glance back at you.

Are you plan B? Is she only with you because the OM is unwilling to raise your child?

I'm on a lunch break. I forced myself to work as my mind is not on what it needs to be. I woke up sick to my stomach. I only summarised what she wrote on here. She went into way more detail. I had taken the VAR out of her car before she woke up. She was on her phone in the car late last night my bet. She was talking to someone about the timeline I told her to make. She was saying that she doesn't think I believe everything she is telling me but that she is telling the truth. At least she is right there. I don't know if she remembered or not having sex with the guy on the first time. It could be possible she got super drunk, that she passed out. She said she woke up with her clothes still on passed on the floor in the bathroom. So it is plausible. But doesn't really make a difference if she did or not unless she lying about it. I don't know. I think I'm just going to put myself out of misery and take the suggestions everyone has been giving me and set up a polygraph test. If she is telling the truth as she telling me and the mystery friend on the phone then she should have no problem taking it. Thanks, guys... I really need to just end this right here.

I'm sorry, but she is still not being honest. She knows whether they had sex or not (and they most likely did, because if they didn't she would have told you that.)

I have doubts on that too. Like she was so honest all the other times, so if they did have sex why wouldn't she just admit it. In her timeline, she said that he was really distant, that she remember thinking he was going to break off the affair then. They met for a drink. She remembered feeling really sick, and going to her car, and not much after that. I don't know what to make of that.

The one thing I find myself wondering after reading the time line is what would have happened if he had agreed to pay for the DNA test and he found out that it was his kid.

Would they have ridden off into the sunset together without so much as a glance back at you?

Are you plan B? Is she only with you because the OM is unwilling to raise your child?

I doubt know about that. She'd have to move with my two daughter's a thousand of miles away. And both her and I know I wouldn't allow that without a fight. I can't imagine a judge that would uproot two children, one with behavioural needs from the resources, and family they have to allow her to take them there.

Am I plan B? I don't know. It looks and feels like it. But if she is telling the truth about wanting to end the affair and him threatening her, then maybe just maybe there is some chance she realised I'm not a bad guy, and that she is just a broken person.

I asked her what she would have done if he had agreed to pay for it and the kid was his. She said she would have gotten an abortion. I mean I really have no way of knowing for sure.

That is why I'm taking the advice of people here and getting a polygraph test done.

I think that you are approaching this the right way. While you eventually need the whole truth you could spend months trying to piece together everything. You have enough information to poly on, do that and if she was lying just serve her.

If she isn't lying then give yourself a few weeks to see if you can ever reconcile being her (At a minimum) emotional plan b. It will be very, very difficult to do so. Particularly under your reasonably extreme circumstances.

They met for a drink. She remembered feeling really sick, and going to her car, and not much after that. I don't know what to make of that.

Putting the cheating aside, If the woman you know is not traditionally a drink til you pass out out kind of gal, and the memory lapses are not just to minimize and TT you there is chance that he roofied her...

If she can't recall the first time, maybe she was drugged.

This doesn't change the fact that she met him dozens of times after ward...

Does she often drink until she passes out? Not just a little sleepy but passes out..

PS. in most states a court would need a very good reason to allow a parent to move the kids out of state, and I think that the spouse would need to agree to that set up.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:46 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

That makes no sense. Why would someone roofie a woman they are already sleeping with?

Surprised, reading this line:

then maybe just maybe there is some chance she realized I'm not a bad guy

makes me feel bad about your perspectives as a family. You sound like someone who feels abandoned and seeks approval by your poor wife.

If you want to regain your mental happiness and become a good role model for you kids, I wish you can go for a deep soul searching that will help you to stop this approval seeking behavior.

You think she realizes she is a broken person and you are a good guy, but what her behavior tells me is that she is simply afraid of insecurity.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 2:25 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Surprised87,

Maybe no worries you have an idea of what happened regarding the A and after Day. The problem IMHO is that she is still lying about her motives (going first to OM about the pregnancy makes no sense, she could easily make her pregnancy yours in first place most if she was terminating things with OM)

I believe she was /is in love with OM and not in love with you.

She wants to remain married to you to save face? To keep her life style? I am sure is not for the kids as she was willing to D you to save face. I believe she wants to R just out of fear, not because the kids, not because you or your family.

Have you asked her why she wants to R now? Have you asked if she loves you?

Sorry but I belive you are her Plan B, until plan A arrives

I also do not understand why she went to her boyfriend first.

It was either to give him a choice to keep it and/or to look to him for support.

I do not know which one is worse.

A little tough love coming your way buddy.

then maybe just maybe there is some chance she realised I'm not a bad guy

You were NEVER a bad guy. Do not own that. It is not the truth.

That was her rationalization hamster running on its wheel, coming up with a justification. She wanted sex with this guy from the outset. She needed a reason to justify servicing another man. You could have been Tom Brady, Ryan Gosling, Elvis, and Jesus all wrapped up into one guy, and she STILL would have said you were a bad husband. Once a cheater decides they want some strange, they get it. All the bullshit reasons and the "whys" are just window dressing. She is the whore here who got paid with cheap compliments. She is the bad guy, not you.

Surprised,

There are plenty of elements in your wife’s story that do not add up or make sense, but you know that already. “I can’t remember” is a classic politician’s response to avoid an honest “Yes” or “No” answer. If at a later date you find out that she did have sex with the guy that first time, you cannot say she lied about it, because she never said that she didn’t; she said that she couldn’t remember. The same amnesia about having sex occurs several times, which is strange, because the only reason they were meeting up was to have sex. It was not to talk politics, or fly kites.

“But if she is telling the truth about wanting to end the affair and him threatening her, then maybe just maybe there is some chance she realised I'm not a bad guy, and that she is just a broken person.”

She never truly thought you were a ‘bad’ guy. She admitted lying about that to the OM in the phone call to her mystery friend that you caught on VAR. Presenting you in that way may have made her feel better about cheating, and we all know that her telling the OM that she was a poor ‘neglected’ gal in need of some lovin’ gave him the green light to offer his services. It was a useful lie, with a large side-order of self-deceit, that served her purpose at the time, but it is exactly that: A LIE. You, of all people, should not give it any credit whatsoever, particularly in relation to your wife’s decision to cheat. Here’s an analogy: One of your kids gets chicken pox. Do you take the kid to the doctor and get the required medication, or do you set your neighbour’s car on fire instead? One action is an appropriate, logical response that should improve things, and the other is an inappropriate and irrelevant act that has no potential to improve the problem at hand. Similarly, you are a woman who feels you are neglected by a bad guy. Do you communicate your feelings with him and possibly initiate counselling, making an effort to improve things in the relationship, or do you get drunk, blow a guy, and start an affair? One action is an appropriate, logical response that should improve things, and the other is an inappropriate and irrelevant act that has no potential to improve the problem at hand. So even if you were a ‘bad’ guy – which I am sure you were not – your wife’s decision to start a relationship with the OM was not a legitimate or justifiable reaction to it. It made things a lot worse. So please do not buy into any of this ‘bad guy’ stuff being a cause or justification for your wife’s cheating.

Can she realise that she is a ‘broken’ person? That depends on her frames of reference, her willingness to take responsibility for her actions as opposed to her desire to blame other people and other factors, and her level of self-insight. Given her capacity for blaming you (the bad guy), her ex-friend (the instigator), the OM (a blackmailing scoundrel who may have spiked her drink and whose dominating and threatening control prevented her attempts to end the affair), plus, of course, the wicked and corrupting influence of booze itself, it does not look like she has dedicated a lot of time to pondering her own responsibility in this drama. And if she has spent a lot of time with a bunch of cheating drunks who see infidelity as a normal part of their lives, what will her frames of reference be? And who were her role models? Her free-and-easy sister? Her ex-friend? The more you write about that crowd, the more it becomes obvious that Jerry Springer could get a ninety-minute special out of their antics. They are not now, nor have they ever been, a good influence on your wife. If your wife has absorbed their lack of values, it will make it difficult for her to see much fault in what she has done. She may understand that you are upset by her actions - she cannot miss that - but it really doesn’t sound like she sees much wrong in what she has done. If that is who she is, you need to forget what you may want and think objectively about how much potential there really is for her to change and become an honest, loving, ‘safe’ life partner in future.

By all means have her sit the polygraph, but even if it turns up some additional facts or details, you already know more than enough on that score to justify splitting from your wife if infidelity is a deal-breaker for you. You haven’t done that, and I get the feeling that you don’t want to, no matter how hurt, disappointed, and upset you are by what has been done to you. Even so, if you are going to stay, you want to know every last detail, so that any decision you make will not be made in ignorance. Beyond that, making her confess and reveal every last thing about what she did is an important part of your healing process. It was all hidden from you when it was going on, and getting as much truth and clarity as you can now at least demolishes that part of the affair.

We can all express our opinions here, but it is entirely up to you how to play this, because ultimately it will be you who has to live with the consequences of your choices. If you do decide to stay with her, you definitely have to get her away from that Jerry Springer crowd she mixes with. They represent several more ‘accidents’ just waiting to happen. In the past you detached yourself from their mess, and look at what happened. If you are going to continue being with your wife, you are going to have to treat that bunch as what they are: a dangerous threat to your future happiness. Do not stand by and wait for her to fall out with them, you need to be shutting down any ‘friendships’ involving booze and partying without you. You have ample proof of what they lead to, and your wife will have a hard time arguing otherwise!

I am sorry you have been put through this, and I hope that the polygraph helps you to make whatever decision feels right to you. You certainly deserve to have some truth restored to your life, even if you are having to fight to get it. And you deserve much better than you have been given. The big question is, if you stay with her, will you get it?

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:28 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I normally never post here in JFO, but this one compelled me to.

Don't try to piece together, she won't even give you the decency of telling the truth and like I did I was desperately trying to piece it together resulting in year more of absolute misery and destroyed me while she was fucking around some more and I knew about it.

Get the fuck out surprised, I feel your pain really, but end it. It takes time, but you will feel better.

Suprised87, I take it that you haven't ruled out R, given that you want to give her a chance to confirm she is telling you the truth by passing a polygraph test.

Your WW is woman who carouses behind her H's back, gives a BJ to a man she's just met, gets so drunk she can't remember what she's done and doesn't know who gets her pregnant. That doesn't make her a very good prospect for R.

IIWY, I would be very careful about agreeing to R or MC until she has gotten counseling to address her loose boundaries and slutty behavior, and you are confident that she is genuinely remorseful and fully committed to you. I'm guessing at least a year of really good behavior before you can have a reasonably high degree of confidence.

Besides some trickle truths, which is probably to save face, there are a couple of things that truly bothers me.

Chief among them is her going to OM 1st about the pregnancy. She swore in her heart that it was OMs.

2ndly she wanted a relationship with OM because she was buying his future faking. Her line about being blackmailed doesn't make any sense.

The OM putting on a more intense future faking show was probably due to him sensing that she was starting to pull away. He didn't want to lose that hot sex and the ego kibbles of knowing he's banging someones wife.

Why was she pulling away, she finally saw that a relationship with OM wasn't going to happen, so she was going into save my marriage mode.

That makes no sense. Why would someone roofie a woman they are already sleeping with?

My roofie theory only is good for the first meeting where she ended up passed out in the bathroom allegedly clothed.

At the beginning, OM didn't yet know how eager, enthusiastic and easy the WW was...just a thought ,most likey not true.

Surprised, is/was your wife a drinking party girl or just during th A?

There are people I know who if I was told that they passed out in a bathroom I'd say, that sounds about right for person A, and with person B, I would be shocked and not believe it.

I have to agree with Alchemy here...both of you need time in IC before any decisions for the future are made.

Just because you stay for now doesn't mean you cannot decide to D later if you don't want to stay in the M, but you don't have to decide right now.