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I wouldn’t bother re-testing for the two questions that were inconclusive unless you have money to burn.

I’d consider the two questions answered honestly to be the most important questions…at least to me.

The possible ambiguity of one is a very understandable the reason for the result.

I’ve taken polygraph exams where all of my answers were deemed inconclusive. Yet I knew that my responses were truthful. Retesting at a later time with another examiner showed I was replying truthfully. The reasons for the assessment being inconclusive: inexperienced examiner, health (breathing) problems. Your wife’s pregnancy may very well explain the result.

For over 25 years I was polygraphed at least twice a year. Inconclusive doesn’t mean untruthful, it means inconclusive.

I would tend to agree with those who are saying she probably told the truth about going to him to help pay for the costs.

However, its what else she may have asked him while there that I would be wondering about e.g. she may have said "if this baby is yours would you want to keep it, or would you want to leave to be with me etc"

As for the timeline it may be truthful in terms of time but may have instances omitted from it.

I am not too sure question 2 can be worded any better.

By the way has she given you all the sordid details of what she did with him ? Has she ever done anything with or for him that she didn't with or for you ? (especially if you asked for it and she refused).

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 4:06 AM, April 20th (Thursday)]

Question is can I live with inconclusive for the other two questions. They aren't definate yes or no's. There was some risk for altered results with her being pregnant that he explained. So there could be multiple reasons why she was inconclusive. I did research and often polygraphers won't test on people who are pregnant and/or have heart problems. She did sign a waiver, and she did fine in the Pre-test Process.

If you are fine with this then it is okay to move to the next stage. 90% of the poly is the parking lot confession and seeing how she reacts.

I agree that you have enough to move forward to R. The 2 most important questions were answered truthfully. I wouldn't waste more money on those questions.

The 2nd question showed inconclusive because there was probably some lying through omission. Yes, she went to OM about the news of the pregnancy and to ask about paying for DNA test but she probably also discussed their possible future together.

But like said in earlier post, you already knew she was "in love ". So that shouldn't be the deal breaker at this point. You now know she wants you and the marriage.

She needs you to give her some hope. You now know you're not plan B. Let your growing baby draw you closer together. Choose in your mind and heart to see her as a blessing and not a negative reminder.

I'm pleased for you that you got mostly positive results. If you move to work on R, have you fully defined parameters, boundaries and the processes you will use to ensure (as best as possible) this won't happen again? Possible future polys should be Agreed to if you deem them necessary.

First, good job on how you prepared and handled the polygraph. Decisive. I will also give your WW props for doing the test, and not copping an attitude. Your reply about inviting another man was classic.

Regarding questions 2 and 3. I think for 2, it is conceivable that she is less than honest with herself. If the OM was receptive to her, I believe she would have tossed you. Now after the DNA, she changed her tune. Does that make you plan B? Possibly. But based on Q4 she is committed to the marriage. I think counseling will help.

For 3, the timeline. Is she holding back? Possibly again she is, or she is unsure herself of the answer.

I think with 1 and 4 being deemed truthful, reconciliation is on the table. But still you must be mindful not to blindly trust, but verify too.

Retesting for 2 and 3. If your WW wants to, why not? Also, you can ask additional questions too if you want. I would, and do not let her know until you arrive. What questions? I believe you could follow up if you were plan B.

I am actually hopeful for you both. No parking lot confession, she took the test, that is a positive in the cesspool she created.

Best wishes

So surprised87 how are you feeling today ?

How is your W reacting ?

The big stuff is out there now. You have a pretty good handle on what you have to forgive in order to stay M.

What is the next step for your W ? Read some books ? IC ?

So I picked up the wife and kids. I dropped the kids off with my sister for a few hours. The drive to where the test was going to take place was quiet. We made small talk. I purposely showed up fifteen minutes early. My wife looked confused.

I told her I had booked a polygraph test for her. She was shocked. She got a little defensive, and was a little angry that I didn't tell her. But I just told her you didn't tell me when you decided to invite another man into our marriage. She shut right down. She just said she wanted to get it over with.

We talked for a few minutes when I said, if there is anything you want to admit to now is that time. Because if she failed it, then that would take any possible chance of reconcilation off the board. She told me that she told me everything. But made repeated that she still wasn't sure if the first meeting resulted in full intercourse because she was too drunk to remember.

Given their inaccuracy, the main value of a polygraph test in infidelity situations is to scare the WS into confessing things that he or she would otherwise have hidden or denied.

I think the OP can take comfort from the fact that his WW agreed, albeit somewhat testily, to take a test after having it sprung on her. If she were lying about anything important, she would most likely have resisted more strongly or possibly even refused to go through with it.

Of course, now he has an even harder decision to make, whether to forgive her for what she's done and try to R with her. IMO, he should take his time making this decision, while watching to see how committed his WW really is to helping him heal and dealing with her own issues.

Surprised,

1. Have you had any sexual contact (kissing, inapproriate touching, oral, anal, vaginal, etc) of any kind with anyone that (my name) doesn't know about?

2. Did you ever discuss anything in regards to your pregnancy with (other man's name) besides funding for a DNA test?

3. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

4. Do you wish to remain married because you are committed to your marriage?

Question 1 she answered no, and she was being truthful.

Question 2 she answered no, and the results was inconclusive

Question 3 she answered yes, and the results was inconclusive.

Question 4 she answered yes and she was being truthful.

I am glad to hear that the answers were so positive, and it’s reassuring that there was no ‘car park confession’. That does tally up with the phone conversation you caught on VAR where your wife said that she had told you everything, even though you thought she hadn’t.

I’m no expert in polygraphs, but the inconclusive result to question 2 might have occurred because although there must have been more said in relation to the pregnancy, the major factor that your wife focused on was the DNA test. It’s a question that hinges on the importance of what was discussed in your wife’s remembrance. The DNA test may have been her focus, and she may have had little time or interest for anything else that was said, but the fact that anything else was said (even if it was ignored), could cause a ‘wobble’ in answering a straight yes or no question about only one thing having been discussed.

People have questioned why your wife went to the OM first for a DNA test, but if she was worried that he might have been the father, with all the implications for your marriage that went with that, she would want to try and get clarity on the father’s identity before saying anything to you. Not a great situation, but I don’t think her doing that is necessarily an indication that she wanted to run off and start a new life with the guy; I think it was done more to try and figure out the ‘damage’ before she said anything to you. Also, if she had wanted to leave you and be with him, she could simply have asked for a divorce and gone, couldn’t she? It might have been horrible thing to do, but if she really thought he was God’s gift to women, and you were a busted flush, why wouldn’t she have called it quits and set up home with the OM? Answer: because that’s not what she wanted at heart. Maybe she did have some issues with your marriage, and maybe she did embark on an affair that she really should never have got involved with, but the two things are not necessarily linked. People in great marriages still embark on affairs, and people in crummy marriages don’t.

Then there’s the OM and his refusal to fund the DNA test. I’m guessing that he was trying to use the pregnancy as leverage to break up your marriage, which would explain why he didn’t want to fund a DNA test that might prove he was not the father. You have said that your wife is pretty and bold, and the OM was probably more smitten with her than she was with him, particularly if he started getting abusive when he wasn’t getting his way. Whether or not he ever drugged your wife, as in the discussed roofie incident, will never be known now, but the guy is clearly not a prince. It may not have been a wise or commendable hook-up on the part of your wife, but the OM certainly went out of his way to make detaching as difficult as he could, which again points to him being more interested in your wife than she was in him once the ‘shine’ came off the affair.

The inconclusive result to question three may hinge on the issue of your wife having been drunk on several occasions, and not being able to recall 100% of what had happened. In an earlier post, I said that “I can’t remember” is a classic politician’s answer that avoids a straight ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, but also avoids an accusation of lying. As a principle, that’s true, but to be fair to your wife, if she was drunk as a skunk during some of the meetings with the OM, she could quite genuinely not remember what happened, without any deliberate minimising or trickle-truthing. So there could be an element of self-doubt that produced the inconclusive result, where your wife thinks the timeline is complete, but cannot say with 100% certainty that it is. With the timeline, if you accept that she might not recall 100% of everything due to being drunk, an honest answer of “I think so”, or “This is it, to the best of my recollection”, is an honest answer, but not a cast-iron, definitive ‘Yes’.

Given that your wife is concerned and wants to take the test again, maybe it would be good to talk through the issues around questions two and three, rather than spending money to re-do the test. I can understand your concerns about not getting definitive answers to those questions, but the reasons for that may not be deep or dark, they may simply be:

(1) Other stuff may have been talked about, but the only actual action your wife discussed in relation to the pregnancy was a DNA test, and;

(2) Your wife simply cannot give a 100% definitive guarantee on the timeline because while she thinks it is complete, she is not 100% sure of that (without any lying or trickle-truthing being involved).

Just my thoughts, adding to the debate, and trying to be fair to your wife. There are elements of this where she probably genuinely can’t give an answer that she is totally confident of due to drink, but you did get ‘good’ results to two of the ‘big’ questions.

Your wife's willingness to do another test is another positive sign, isn't it?

Beside poor boundaries, the affair has to with western culture - drinking and dating as a kind of hobby. To some men and women marriage can look like another dating. In your WW it is bad she got drunk to the extent she does not remember anything and then once it happened the pos may have convinced her what the big deal in stopping afterwards. Or she liked something about the POS after the first hook up while being drunk. From her description of the affair I am wondering whether the pos put something in her drink (at least two incidences in the timeline arise suspicion). Also the timeline indicate very little interaction after December.So how come she says she was not sure about who the father is.

In any case like I said before now there is little to gain by looking at the past and wondering. Actually it make you less stable. Now you know enough to make a decision on the future of your marriage. In the meantime you can be civil to her and also spend more hours in your job as a productive way of keeping you occupied.

It sounds like things went fairly well with the poly. And your wife cooperated which is also good.

You should work with your wife on her social boundaries so you can feel safe. For example no more flirting is a good start and no more drinking at least without you after pregnancy.

She has proven she can cross the line with other men and that is something could frankly happen again. So she needs to recognize this and minimize risks. I believe in "once a cheater, always a person capable of cheating" again. So the cheater has to work hard on boundaries, morals, self examination, transparency, etc to maKe sure they never succumb again and that you know they won't. You need to decide for yourself what you need from her goibg forward.

Also it helps in successful R for both parties to develop a similar view of the AP. So talking about what kind of person would try to break up a young family, his email saying she way a booty call etc. Your WW needs to make you understand when and if she sees him for the scum he is and the scummy part that she played etc.

If I were you I would not try to do revenge tactics on the AP like reporting him to his job... The AP is toxic and best for you and your family and R is to leave him in the dust in your rear view mirror. There is also a longterm satisfaction one gets if theyve taken the high road on this very difficult journey.

You've done really well and your WW has made some right decisions and actions that are a good sign.

I'm not going to retest. I have frankly spent so much out of our savings on DNA tests and Polygraph tests that I don't want to spend any more money on that aspect.

I'm already projecting the extra costs of upping my daughter's therapy sessions in order to deal with the added stress. Counseling for the rest of the family is going to be costly, and I'm going to contact insurance on Monday to see what will be covered.

My wife and I both couldn't sleep much last night and woke up around 4:30 in the morning and talked until I had to go to work. My wife isn't a big drinker and I can only think of maybe 3 times, and all were before we had kids that she'd get so drunk she wouldn't remember what happened the night before. I had asked her if she thought she may have been drugged the night she gave that piece of shit a blow job. She said it was possible.

Then I brought up the incident of her in the bar back in October. She said she went into the bar and had a drink. She recalled having a tiresome day. I think back and recall the day in question. We had to pick up our older daughter from school over some physical altercation. It was a stressful day. Anyway, she said that she told the other man that she wasn't in a good mood. That after two drinks, she left to go home. She felt sick in the car, and remember feeling really sick and groggy. She chalked it off lack of sleep and stress. I asked her if she left her drink unattended at any time. She said she think she went to the bathroom. So it is possible he could have given her something in hopes to loosening her up.

Also the timeline indicate very little interaction after December.So how come she says she was not sure about who the father is.

In her timeline, she wrote that she had sex with him a few times during January, around the time she got pregnant. In her words, she had already cheated on me and he was becoming aggressive because she wanted to stop the affair and he was threatening to expose her.

At the end of our morning discussion, she asked me how I was feeling. I told her the truth that I'm pissed off. I'm upset that she brought us into this mess. She was about to say something but stopped herself. When I asked her what she was going to say she froze and teared up, saying she didn't think she had the right to ask. Then I just told her to spit it out. She said that she was fully committed to trying to fix her wrong doings and save our marriage because she loved me. But she was wondering if I truly felt the same.

I pondered the question and asked her what she meant exactly. Then she asked am I only wanting to possibly give the marriage another chance because of the kids, or because of financial reasons.

I gave her an honest answer, just because I believe we can't even begin the possibility of reconciling or fixing our marriage unless we both have our true intentions on the table. I admitted that I was afraid that she was going to try and take my daughter's from me. I also said that I want to attempt to make things work because I loved her and also because I didn't want to separate our family. But I couldn't guarantee that this wasn't going to be a deal breaker. She said she understood and that she was sorry for ever putting me into a position to make me feel that way.

By this time I had to get up for work, and we are going to discuss this more later.

he has proven she can cross the line with other men and that is something could frankly happen again. So she needs to recognize this and minimize risks. I believe in "once a cheater, always a person capable of cheating" again. So the cheater has to work hard on boundaries, morals, self examination, transparency, etc to maKe sure they never succumb again and that you know they won't. You need to decide for yourself what you need from her goibg forward.

She has made strides on this on her own without me asking. She hasn't changed her passwords, hasn't tried to delete any of the emails, messages, or even her phone log since I found out. She has been texting throughout the day letting me know she is thinking of me. I add in the fact she, for the most part, passed a polygraph test, are all good signs going forward.

I just hope in the upcoming weeks, we can make a plan on going forward. I am going to own my own faults, and she is going to have to work on her own personal issues. I won't take responsibility for her affair. If she can do that, really work I do believe our marriage can be saved.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 3:53 PM, April 20th (Thursday)]

Surprised87,

From what you just said, it sounds like you are in the right place mentally -- hopeful that you can keep your family together but realizing that it depends mainly on what she does from here on out.

God bless you. I hope it works out the way you want.

[This message edited by Alchemy at 4:26 PM, April 20th (Thursday)]

I'm so happy things are going well. I've read 100s of threads on this and other sites. It may not feel like it, but you're doing well.

I just want to say that there is nothing weak about letting her know you love her and want the marriage to work, yes for the kids but also because you love her.

She's carrying your baby and wants to draw closer to you. I know you're hurting but you can lower your guard a little and let her in. You're plan A. Allow her to show you without you putting up walls.

At the end of our morning discussion, she asked me how I was feeling. I told her the truth that I'm pissed off. I'm upset that she brought us into this mess. She was about to say something but stopped herself. When I asked her what she was going to say she froze and teared up, saying she didn't think she had the right to ask. Then I just told her to spit it out. She said that she was fully committed to trying to fix her wrong doings and save our marriage because she loved me. But she was wondering if I truly felt the same.

I pondered the question and asked her what she meant exactly. Then she asked am I only wanting to possibly give the marriage another chance because of the kids, or because of financial reasons.

I gave her an honest answer, just because I believe we can't even begin the possibility of reconciling or fixing our marriage unless we both have our true intentions on the table. I admitted that I was afraid that she was going to try and take my daughter's from me. I also said that I want to attempt to make things work because I loved her and also because I didn't want to separate our family. But I couldn't guarantee that this wasn't going to be a deal breaker. She said she understood and that she was sorry for ever putting me into a position to make me feel that way.

Being able to be that open and honest about how you are both feeling in your discussions is vital if real progress is to be made. Emotions may be raw, feelings may only be half-expressed, but both of you have to say what is really on your minds. It is great that you are both doing that. It can be incredibly difficult to do that in the aftermath of infidelity, because anger, guilt, rage, shame, etc, can make people 'careful' about what they say to each other. And that prevents them being able to move forwards.

And hats off to you for telling your wife that you loved her, despite all the pain the affair has caused. Many times, people won't admit to still loving a cheating spouse, but I agree with JSmart that it is a good and positive thing to do. Perhaps those times your wife asked you how you felt were really an attempt to find out if you still loved her after what she had done. You do, and it's great that you told her that. I was too angry to do that, I felt like I didn't want to do anything 'nice' for someone who had cheated on me, but as I look back I realise how stupid that was. It's better to be open for both people, because not saying stuff for a reason blocks the communication that can fix things.

I have to say that I admire the way you have dealt with this. It's been a hell of a thing to have dropped on you, but you're steering a steady course through it.

Surprised I know you are not feeling any better. Those in depth and honest conversations were some of the most healing moments I had during my R.

The problem is they make you feel worse at the time, but you end of coming back faster. Over time you do feel better.

If you D now or D later. Neither changes the outcome much. R takes time. WS can and do change all the time. We see it here on SI everyday.

Pay attention, but refocus some energy away from your W. This is traumatic as anything and you need to recover regardless.

Just in case you don't know there is forum in the I can relate forum that is just for BH. A lot of guys there understand exactly what you are going through.

Friday PMs usually revolve around beer so not everything there is deep and heavy conversation. It is good to have a distraction now and then.

Keep talking to your W and keep posting. Right now your W is desperate. Which sounds OK at first, but is just another form of crazy. You need some stability if nothing else for your kids and kids on the way.

What I did was tell my W that I would "try" for 3 months. During that time I would not pursue a D provided certain boundaries were met. Again subject to rebuke at any time I could not take any longer.

By doing this you are not saying this is not a deal breaker, but there is enough there you are willing to give it a chance. Maybe for the kids, etc. Right now that has to be enough. A D is the logical outcome of cheating on your spouse. Your W needs to understand this can't be fixed overnight. You are there and right now that has to be enough.

I think your W attending IC would be a non-starter.

She needs to decide what allowed her to make these choices and she needs to heal/address/be aware of what that is so it doesn't happen again. Show you that she can change.

You both need some time to heal yourselves before you are in a place where the M can be healed. This takes time. Months, not days are how you measure progress.

Based on what you shared I see glimmers of remorse in your W's words. Not near enough to R on, but it is a start. Baby steps.

You don't know it yet, but you've already started your journey out of this mess. Keep going. Keep hope that things will be better.

Why did she approach you in November and tell her that she wasn't happy and she wasn't sure about marriage?

I doubt her because of conflicting statements like the one above vs. the very positive story of how she loved you and he was drugging and threatening her. Too many conflicting statements, that was just one.

Mental gymnastics always are required to reconcile, but with the threatening and drugging story, I think you are trying for the Olympics Mental Gymnastics Team on the uneven infidelity bars.

Here is how it looks like from this part of cyberspace: Your wife lived to flirt and did so as often as she could. She had friends who liked to live a party lifestyle, meet with guys, flirt, etc. She liked this guy and told her friend about it, and gave the "OK" for him to contact her. She had sex with him as much as she could. She told you she was unhappy with you and the marriage while she continued to be with him as much as possible. She got pregnant. He was willing but he is not acceptable to her. She planned to pawn off the child on yours no matter what, but then realized he would spill the beans, so she told you the most slowing and cruelly way possible that she is pregnant and she thinks the child is not yours. She has been and is in emergency phase, trying to placate you.

What I would worry about, if I were you, would be when the child is born, six months to a year later, she will forget about the trauma a little bit and go back to her old ways.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:40 PM, April 21st (Friday)]

Why did she approach you in November and tell her that she wasn't happy and she wasn't sure about marriage?

I asked her about this. She told me she was filled with guilt over what she was doing. She was trying to justify what she was doing so she projected her bad feelings on me. She doesn't know where her head was but during that time she was thinking about ending it, and in December she finally made it clear she wanted to end it. I mean when I see all her feelings written down in one place, it all make sense but yet doesn't.

I do believe there are some minor issues she is missing, but I have enough evidence to believe that she tried to end it, he threatened her and got aggressive. I'm going to move forward and watch her actions because she did take a polygraph test that I sprung on her, she didn't give me any parking lot confession, and was truthful on two of the questions, and inconclusive on two of them. I mean I'll never know for sure everything that went on. Maybe she is placating me, or maybe she really wants to save our marriage.

I'm choosing to take the chance. Believe me, I'll watch her actions, keep checking her emails and phone, the VAR, and have the lawyer on speed dial.

You have a big heart and a strong resolve and you are obviously committed to your family !! I sincerely hope that R works, 🤞

Believe me, I'll watch her actions, keep checking her emails and phone, the VAR, and have the lawyer on speed dial.

This sounds like a miserable way to live, being your wife's warden, but if you want to stay with her I guess you have no choice. I truly hope it works out for you.