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That is just it. I remind her constantly what she did. I tell her she wasn't the loyal wife that I thought she was. But what I don't like is resulting to bad wording. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It makes me feel terrible and I already feel like shit with my own insecurities, then to add more bitterness to me. I rather keep my dignity intact.

IMO you have done a great job keeping your dignity intact.

Bad wording is a minor thing in this adventure of you are on. I think if you say something a bit crude or harsh it reminds her how much she fucked things up by what she decided to do.

If you fluffed over things and painted a rosier picture it would not be true. There is still a long road ahead for your family to become whole again.

Her choice to cheat with OM is the cause of you needing to ask the sheriff for advice on protecting your family from her AP...that is the position she put you and your family in. Because she spread her legs...

That is just it. I remind her constantly what she did. I tell her she wasn't the loyal wife that I thought she was. But what I don't like is resulting to bad wording. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It makes me feel terrible and I already feel like shit with my own insecurities, then to add more bitterness to me. I rather keep my dignity intact.

I get that. That's how I like to operate as well. Something effects me, I take a step back, consider the implications and my options, then act reasonably. I never loose my cool.

But thats the thing. No matter how reasonablely I would explain how my fWW's actions effected me and our family, it just wouldn't hit home for her.

Until I blew up. When she saw Mr. Reasonable blow his stack, swear like a drunken sailor and scream "I want a divorce." an inch in from of her face, then it was real for her.

Sometimes the words mean nothing without the emotional loading to make them smash down the WW's walls like a wrecking ball.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 1:17 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

Hope OBS lodged a complain already. Wondering whether you should check it out and advise her if she has not done already. She should tack POS for financial fraud also. Also if he is in town he will be at the toxic friend's house. Again for the sake of the pregnancy try to keep your guard though it it difficult

Try and get as much info as you can from the OBS about where the OM is and what he is doing. You probably have anyway, it's just common sense to try and cover all the bases. However, I would be surprised if he had any intention of coming anywhere near you or your family. There's nothing in it for him, is there?

From the descriptions of his behaviour and his on-again/off-again relationship with the OBS, it sounds like he is just an opportunistic narcissist with a sense of entitlement. When he doesn't get what he wants, or what he feels entitled to, he has a tantrum like a spoiled kid and talks aggressive trash as he did with your wife when she finally decided she wanted to call it quits with him. Those are the actions of a grade A selfish idiot, not a psycho.

I'm sure he had a big fight with the OBS, made a lot of stupid threats (his standard coping mechanism when he doesn't get his own way), and his emptying of the joint account is just a manifestation of more selfish entitlement. If he was pulling in big bucks, maybe he felt he had put much more into the account than the OBS had, and when he decided to split from her, he wanted to make sure she didn't keep a penny of what he saw as his money. Who knows, and who cares? The point is, this is a domestic fight between him and the OBS, and nothing more. Beyond that, it is likely that his HR department is going to want to talk to him about his activities on his travels after the OBS wised them up about it, which is going to be another drain on Prince Charmless's time. He has more than enough on his plate to keep him busy without starting any fresh problems elsewhere.

Regardless of the childish threats he likes to throw at women (he does treat them well, doesn't he?), a selfish jerk like him is motivated to look for opportunities he can exploit for his own pleasure/benefit, not go off on mad quests for vengeance like Robert DeNiro in 'Cape Fear'. Talking trash may make him feel big when he's threatening women, but there's no gain for him in following any of that stuff through in reality.

His selfish little world has experienced an earthquake, and he has responded by making his own situation worse. I don't think any of us will lose any sleep over that!

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:11 PM, April 24th (Monday)]

it wasnt until i lost my temper, and i mean really lost it, that my wife got the full magnitude of what shed done.

I get home form work to check my email and there is six different emails from the other betrayed spouse. She is seriously broken. She just sent me a bunch of messages about how this was the fifth woman he cheated on her with. Then she said that my wife owes her because he took off with all her money. I feel bad for her I really do. I showed my wife what she had a part in doing to this woman. But I told this other betrayed spouse that I'm sorry she had to deal with this, but I had my own issues in my marriage I had to deal with and I wished her the best. That I thanked her for letting me know to look out for the other man but I didn't want any further contact. I did drive by my wife's ex-friends house and didn't find his car. I'm going to stop worrying about him. My wife siad if he showed up when I'm not home she'll call the police.

I get home form work to check my email and there is six different emails from the other betrayed spouse. She is seriously broken. She just sent me a bunch of messages about how this was the fifth woman he cheated on her with.

You have to feel sorry for the woman, but staying with a guy who has cheated with five other women (that she is aware of)? What a pair they make (or made, as he's now left her). I wonder how many other marriages that POS has intruded on.

Then she said that my wife owes her because he took off with all her money.

You took the right stance on this; sympathy, but it's not your monkey, not your show. She has to pursue Prince Charmless via the courts, period.

I hope that for a couple seconds that your WW thinks about how effed up she would be if she left you for the OM. Baby or not, in a couple months after the unicorns died he would be off looking for #7 sidepiece. Kicking her to the curb, pregnant or not.

She should be thanking you, not apologizing to you.

I hope that she appreciates you. I hope things work out

for you, the kids and her...

You've done well in a shitstorm.

That's long term logical thinking but the majority of WWs have short term emotional thinking. Where as you see a complete POS ,a WW will see a misunderstood, hurting soul who just needs the right woman to love him.

It's the female version of a white knight trying to turn a ho into a wife. Yes it nearly always ends in heartbreak but they think it will be different for us.

My wife is finished her training and had her first full day at this new job. I texted her asking how she was doing and liking it. She said it was fine, but is going to get used too. By tomorrow she will likely really miss younger daughter who she spends every afternoon with, and she has been working until 2 for orientation, but now her full days start. At the very least she can work full time until the baby comes.

Surprised,

I have been wondering if I should post this because I don’t want to minimize what your wife did in any way and I truly don’t want this to be minimization or justification. At the end of the day then it’s a KEY ELEMENT in any chance to reconcile from infidelity to realize and accept TOTAL responsibility for the decision to cheat. It’s a DECISSION – no matter what then your wife always had a moment where she KNEW she was crossing some line. Even then – even if we assume she drank excessively or whatever she had the option of ending the affair, walking away, coming clean…

But all in all, and solely based on what YOU post then it does sound like your WW landed in the hands of a master manipulator.

Like how he cast his lines at the original party and probably reeled in the first one that nibbled. Hadn’t it been your wife it would have been the other woman.

Like how his GF claims he has cheated previously.

Like how he (allegedly) used threats to keep the affair ongoing.

Like how he seems to have felt some control over WW with the pregnancy.

Like how he even now he tries to manipulate her and you with threats. I don’t see words from him indicating he misses WW but rather that he’s getting off on knowing he can (possibly) control her still.

Not knowing how your wife normally drinks then I wouldn’t be too surprised if he had slipped something into her drink… BUT it doesn’t change the simple fact she shouldn’t have been in a position to accept a drink from him.

I’m a former cop. One thing I noticed was how relatively uncommon it was that somebody would raise their arm and simply admit – no excuses, no justification – to having done something wrong. Nearly always there was some excuse; “she wanted it rough, it wasn’t really rape”, “he made me spill my drink, therefore I had to knock him senseless”, “I only sell drugs to people that want them” and so on. A lot of the people I arrested I arrested more than once. But never somebody that simply lifted their arm and acknowledged their accountability.

To me it sounds like your wife is acknowledging her accountability.

And that’s why I don’t want what I post to sound like an excuse. She DECIDED to have an affair. She DECIDED to carry on with it. She DECIDED not to end it until it was unavoidable. But I do believe that she was led into it and then held in the affair.

But… What I’m wondering is if she can (and should) realize how manipulative OM really was and if she might be showing behavior that can be common with abused women – seeking their abuser. If that’s the case, then I strongly recommend she seeks IC. She must find a way to be totally accountable but ONLY with the guilt she is accountable for – not some guilt the OM actions place on her.

And that’s why I don’t want what I post to sound like an excuse. She DECIDED to have an affair. She DECIDED to carry on with it. She DECIDED not to end it until it was unavoidable. But I do believe that she was led into it and then held in the affair.

As bigger says, decided. She made thousands of small decisions over the year to get from non-cheating wife to cheating wife. At any time she could've decided no instead of yes.

At any time she could've decided no instead of yes.

Agree with MB16. She just waited until the point of no return when she called the OM to tell him she was pregnant and decided not to go away and have an abortion. I don't buy the theory that any of the 100's of adultery decisions were outside of her control. I consider that theory dangerous to S87's long term recovery and his ability to reconcile himself with his wife's adultery.

Ultimately his call on how he comes to understand and reconcile himself to his wife's behavior.

Why are you taking her word that she will all the cops on her boyfriend? Her track record over the past year is that it's more likely that she'll make love to him.

What she says and what she does are two different things at this point.

Surprised87...wow...i understand how some BH like sharkman are so bitter. No one here knows your WW as you do. My WW made a slew of horrible decisions 23 years ago. I trigger often..suffering PTSD..but she has been very remorseful for 22 years.

It takes time..but sharkman appears to know all things. It is very probable that with counciling and hard work by you both...sharkman likely will be totally incorrect in his brash assement...best wishes..remain vigilent and committed..

I can totally one hundred percent understand and agree with Sharkman. I just said what she said, doesn't mean I'm stupid. I made it and she obliged that her time is being used wisely because I can't trust her and she knows it. This new job starts before mine does, and she gets out an hour before I do. So she has to pick up older daughter from after school care, and the other daughter from daycare, which by the time she gets home, she has maybe 5 to 10 minutes to spare before I get home. And I'd know she wouldn't try anything with the kids home. My older daughter would definitely say something if a strange man is in her house, and if my wife told her to keep it a secret, she is way more likely to say something. If my wife drops them off with a babysitter, same thing. I would know something was fishy. It's just in her nature. And besides, I think my wife is ashamed and so disgusted with herself. I can't watch her every move all day and just have to put a little faith, even when she doesn't really deserve it.

If she wants to cheat, she will find a way.

The best defense is always a good offense. Continue to work on you. Continue to become more independent. Make sure to are never in this spot again.

After you heal. After the baby is born. Resccess from a position of strength.

If she wants to cheat, she will find a way.

Of course you understand this but it is worth saying.

It looks to me as though you are doing really well and approaching R from a position of strength in that you know what you want. Your goal is to heal - and that is what you are looking for as you go through the process of R. Good luck.

I just got back to work from seeing a therapist. It was kind of enlightening to just talk about how I feel, how angry I've been feeling. My wife has an appointment for next week. Since my insurance is a joint family plan. Most of what they cover for therapy is allready being used by daughter. So 12 sessions each will be covered by insurance. With my daughter going once a week at therapy I'm just going to have to make so with going 2 times a month at the most.

It was kind of enlightening to just talk about how I feel, how angry I've been feeling...I'm just going to have to make so with going 2 times a month at the most.

S87, I know it is your wife's adultery that brought you to the need for a therapist, but it is the best gift you can give yourself right now.

Talk therapy gets the stuff out of your head where it just rattles around over and over again. You can put it out on the table, so to speak, and examine it, look at it from angles, with the guidance of a therapist that can listen to your words and help you break things down into smaller chunks.