SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The questions you came up with sound well thought out.

This is red flag:

These are very clear, but I'd probably say during our relationship as we had only been married 2 years and together since 2003 with a few short term breaks.

Why did you not marry her before your oldest daughter was born? Why did you have short breaks? and how long were they? Breaks are usually due to one party wanting to try out a potential partner.

You wifeing her up only 2 years ago is something that could have contributed to her feeling unloved. She went through 2 pregnancies and raised 2 infants without the confidence, pride, and social position that comes with being a wife.

I am going to have to call it quits. It is complicated her being pregnant and all. I'll likely seek the one lawyer I liked for advice on what to do regarding a pregnant wife. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I don't want to have to tell my 7 and 3 year old daughter that her parents are breaking up.

My two cents. Your WW is going to fail the poly if you spring this on her tomorrow.

I know others are going to go off on this post because the shock and awe approach is so decisive, strong, and powerful... but if you are not willing to divorce after a failed test it doesn't really work and it messes you up even more. Let's say she fails the "have you had a relationship with another man since we have been together" question. She says no and explains later that she made out with heavy petting with a guy after you first started dating. Or that a guy cornered her at a party when she was drunk and she's not really sure how far she went. Is that the truth? She's no longer hooked up so you don't know, and she lies. But it could be... and are you willing to make that the tipping point for divorce with your pg wife and children?

I'm not saying the poly is a bad idea, it's a good one but if your goal is to make sure you have all the information on her affair(s) and make a decision you can live with regarding divorce I'd do it this way.

I'd go with the 3 week away test. I'd tell her that she is going to take a poly and that it is going to go over some of the things she has written on her timeline. That this is her last chance to come clean about everything on her timeline and in your relationship. Heck throw out some questions that "could" be on the test.

I might ask if you've kissed anyone besides me since we have been married. Or if you are telling the truth about him blackmailing you....or if he has ever been near our house or seen picture of the kids, or given you a gift or... Give her whatever questions you want... they will just be added to the truth about the timeline question that you do plan to ask. She needs to really understand that a lie by omission is still a lie. From what I've been told her knowing she is going to take the test will not throw off the results. If you do it this way you may get her to tell the truth prior to the test and maybe even pass the test.

I don't know where your head is. If you REALLY believe that you will be able to call it quits over a failed question or a pass question with what may or may not be a truthful explanation after the fact then you should keep the poly as is.

My interpretation is that you just want this over with quickly. For your sake as well as the kids.... that's not going to happen regardless of when she takes the test.

Why did you not marry her before your oldest daughter was born? Why did you have short breaks? and how long were they? Breaks are usually due to one party wanting to try out a potential partner.

You wifeing her up only 2 years ago is something that could have contributed to her feeling unloved. She went through 2 pregnancies and raised 2 infants without the confidence, pride, and social position that comes with being a wife.

I explained our history briefly in the first post.

I met her when I was 16 and she was 14. We broke up the first time because she was doing badly in school. We got back together shortly later and dated in secret for a bit. Then we broke up again after I moved away for school because the long distance thing wasn't working. We both got into a relationship with different people. I broke up with my girlfriend of that time because I didn't see a future with her. My wife messaged me shortly after break up with her boyfriend. We started talking again. It was after that I went to my wife's highschool graduation. We agreed to try again. We both still very much loved each other and wanted to be with each other. After a month of the long distance thing, she moved to the city I was living and moved in with some roommates. Then she got accepted into a community college, and we moved in together shortly after.

So we had been "together officially with no breaks etc." since June 2007 and lived together since January 2008.

My oldest dear daughter wasn't planned. I had just finished up school, and we weren't making a lot of money. We talked about getting married sometime but she said she wanted to wait until we weren't in debt.

We didn't really talk about it until around the time we conceived our youngest daughter. We were okay financially. We were saving up for our own house. Then we talked about having another child. She wanted a nice wedding, and we both agreed we couldn't afford both without dipping too deeply into our savings so we decided to have our daughter.

I got a promotion shortly before my daughter was born, so it was then I decided I could afford to save up for a ring, and we could get engaged.

Sending you strength, brother. No matter the outcome it is a small part of the truth confirmed. Once everything is out you can begin to deal with it.

Your instincts serve you very well so far. Don't change that.

I stayed M for my kids. It was what I needed to get me through and it bought my W time. She failed horribly at first in just about every category. In time she started to get it right. I stayed M because I have moved past this. Learned a lot about myself and who I want to be. Trial by fire does not do this shit justice. You come out of the other side stronger. The things that bothered you before will have the volume turned way down.

Look I am not telling which way to go in this. That is all on your shoulders.

I will be the first one to agree to D a WW that doesn't "get it." It seems like your W is slowly getting there. It takes time to change a lifetime of being screwed up.

It comes down to how long your are willing to give her to get there.

Again, Strength to you.

Surprised, thanks for clarifying. I just realized that you two are very young. Even though she wanted a big wedding and felt you weren't ready financially, I'm sure she would have enthusiastically said yes to a simple marriage if you would've shown her you wanted her to not only be the mother of your child but your wife. I brought it up because I've heard that be a bone of contention in prior threads I've read on TAM.

Being so young, you could easily divorce, co-parent and find a worth woman but I sensing that you want to keep your family intact and would not be satisfied being a part time dad. If that is the case, if she passes the most important question, (have you had other affairs/ONS?) then you can start to work together on reconciling the marriage.

Yes, you will have to work too. She has to do the heavy lifting but you must meet her half way. Now that she's pregnant with your youngest princess, you should start being there for her emotionally. Not because you're rug sweeping but because she's carrying your baby and you're honorable man.

All this is predicated on her passing that question.

If I could go back I would have done things differently. But all I can do is go forward.

Surprised87, I think your doing fine. In the middle of this stuff your not going to do everything "right" whatever that is. The best you can do is follow your heart and your gut and let the chips fall where they may.

Your there, in the middle of this. Do what seems right to you. I think it looks like you are doing just that.

Hang in there, eventually you'll get to a place where you are ok with the direction you want to go, and you will do just fine.

Hang in there, you got this.

Did you go through with the Poly today ?

It is after I'm done work. So another 2 hours and some.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 3:35 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

best of luck dude.

Remember that you are doing this to get the truth. That's all. It's as emotional as possible but approach it as antispetically as possible.

Pass or fail do not let emotions take over. Drive home and let what happened process.

Be aware once she finds out where she is going that you will likely get a parking lot confession of sorts. It might not be a bad idea to have a recorder going on your phone at this time so that you do not miss anything. Just don't let her know you're recording (and don't tell her afterwards, it may be legally ambiguous)

Ask your wife what she found attractive to other man. Usually it's because the other man blew smoke up her butt. Sometimes it's because of arrogance (perceived

as confidence) and humor. I even had one cheating wife say they cheated because the guy had a big penis. I guess he sent her a pic.

My wife's other man was ugly and poor. He had one eye that looked in a different direction and he had been unemployed for 2 years when it started and partly she liked his personality and she liked giving him a little "charity" - he was much more grateful than me. She didn't properly delete any messages and I was able to read them all and I saw no great "personality" unless you consider "horny" as having a great "personality.". I even asked my wife if "personality" was some kind of code word for another name that begins wit "p."

The poor guy. On top of being ugly and poor, he wasn't too bright. He had just gotten a job when I found out and it turned out he sent an insane amount of raunchy stuff to my wife via work email. So when I told them about it, he lost his job. And his wife wasn't very happy. I got a private investigator and it turns out he had two kids from a prior marriage and had restraining orders against. Neither his girlfriend (my wife) or his wife knew about that.

So I, too, didn't really see what my wife saw in that guy. Early on I did occasionally ask my wife what she saw in him and she kind of glazed over. She denied that he had a huge f'ing piece between his legs, but she always denied. I guess "love" can be a mystery sometimes.

So don't get too hung up on his attributes. Maybe he had a really big "personality" too. You can ask your wife and see if she can come up with anything coherent.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:54 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

There is no such thing as a lie detector. A polygraph is a tool used to scare people into telling the truth. The mystique & fear of the machine can get a person to confess but the test itself is mostly bull$hit.

The reason they can appear to be somewhat accurate has more to do with the circumstances that necessitate the test. When a spouse is so convinced of infidelity that they are willing to spend the money for the test, the chances that they are right are very high so when the fail the machine gets the credit. It's like paternity testing; the percentage of men who are NOT the father of their child is very low - like 3%. But when a man suspects his wife cheated and has paternity tested that percentage grows to like 25%. In other words, his gut feeling was right.

Plan on using the polygraph as a tool that will help you find the truth - not the final judgement.

Let me ask you: don't you already know enough to make the judgement regarding divorce? She betrayed you in the worst possible way and you will have mind-movies of them in bed forever. You will never forget and thus never really forgive. If you choose to live this way - that's fine. Lots of men do. But if you want something more than a marriage to a woman who you will never trust and never love in the same way again than you must divorce. The choice really does boil down this clearly.

I think you know you are never going to accept her cheating and will never forgive. But you are afraid of losing your family and the life you had. You want that all back again. In that frame of mind you are willing to trade some suffering to get things back to normal. There are deep flaws in that line of thinking. First, the suffering doesn't shrink over time...it grows. Second, you do NOT have to live with your wife in order to be a great father. Millions of men do it and so can you. Waking up alone is not a horrible thing. You do not need her to make your life good.

You want a push out the door and are counting on the results of the polygraph to either give you that push or cement your decision to stay and try. The fact is that no matter what the result, you have to make this decision yourself.

It seems that they always affair down. Many WWs are married to docile, "nice guys" who respect their wives and want to threat them as equals. Along comes OM with a cocky attitude. A false bravado that is based on no accomplishment or abilities but women eat that shit up.

I remember "DoneGone's thread. His WW was totally into her OM, who talked about having a big dick and even bad mouth her husband. She put up some verbal resistance to that but her actions said that she was eating it up. The BH exposed the OM to his wife, that caused him to confront DoneGone to only end up getting his ass kicked. The cops ended up arresting the douche. DoneGone even dated the other betrayed woman.

Amazing thread but it follows what I've read here, TAM, and LS. They nearly always affair down. In a few months if Surprised87 successfully reconciles, his WW will deeply regret what she's done.

So I picked up the wife and kids. I dropped the kids off with my sister for a few hours. The drive to where the test was going to take place was quiet. We made small talk. I purposely showed up fifteen minutes early. My wife looked confused.

I told her I had booked a polygraph test for her. She was shocked. She got a little defensive, and was a little angry that I didn't tell her. But I just told her you didn't tell me when you decided to invite another man into our marriage. She shut right down. She just said she wanted to get it over with.

We talked for a few minutes when I said, if there is anything you want to admit to now is that time. Because if she failed it, then that would take any possible chance of reconcilation off the board. She told me that she told me everything. But made repeated that she still wasn't sure if the first meeting resulted in full intercourse because she was too drunk to remember.

So we went into the test. We talked to the polygrapher for a few minutes. He talked to me in private. I discussed on what I wanted to know. He took the list of questions I wanted and tweeked them. He even explained each question in full with my wife so there was no misunderstanding. The questions asked were.

1. Have you had any sexual contact (kissing, inapproriate touching, oral, anal, vaginal, etc) of any kind with anyone that (my name) doesn't know about?

2. Did you ever discuss anything in regards to your pregnancy with (other man's name) besides funding for a DNA test?

3. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

4. Do you wish to remain married because you are commited to your marriage?

Question 1 she answered no, and she was being truthful.

Question 2 she answered no, and the results was inconclusive

Question 3 she answered yes, and the results was inconclusive.

Question 4 she answered yes and she was being truthful.

I'm not sure what to make up of these results. The wife doesn't understand why they would come up as inconclusive. The polygrapher said that he couldn't say either way if she was truthful or not on those two questions.

What is everyone elses take on this? I do feel a bit better then she wants to be committed to me.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 9:12 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

She is lying about #2.

She went to him first. There is no way that it was only about the DNA test. It defies logic.

She is lying about #2.

She went to him first. There is no way that it was only about the DNA test. It defies logic.

I did question the wording and explanation of that question on the way home. It was understood that did she bring it up and told him about the pregnancy with the purpose of getting a DNA test. It didn't include anything he said. So that is both mine and the polygrapher fault for not being more clear. Either way it was inconclusive, so not sure what to think of that.

She was truthful about not having sex with anyone else that I don't know about. And she was truthful about wanting to reconcile with me for the right reasons.

Question is can I live with inconclusive for the other two questions. They aren't definate yes or no's. There was some risk for altered results with her being pregnant that he explained. So there could be multiple reasons why she was inconclusive. I did research and often polygraphers won't test on people who are pregnant and/or have heart problems. She did sign a waiver, and she did fine in the Pre-test Process.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 9:35 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

Why not make a decision to R. Define what you need from her to stay on the R track. Make it clear and absolute. It looks to me you would like to work it out if that is possible so define the rules of engagement for R. Have the will and commitment to keep firm on your needs for the R. If she is not able to step up to the plate and reconcile under your requirements, you need to be able to draw a line in the sand and keep it.

If she accepts your offer and happily with remorse and commitment follows your R requirements, then all will be good. If not, then you can be at peaces with leaving then.

I wouldn't be too concerned about he inconclusive responses. Polygraphs are not that accurate and it is more likely that the polygraph will tell you someone is lying when they are telling the truth. Look it up. there are probably 100 web sites that explain why a polygraph is fairly accurate but not conclusive.

Think about it logically. a Polygraph uses breathing, and heart rate. If you are in a situation where you are under stress, in a strange place, knowing a major change in your life may come from the responses to the questions. How likely are you to get nervous, scared, etc? Then your heart rate can vary, breathing speed up, and it has nothing to do with the question you are being asked.

It is much more likely that your WW answered honestly to get an inconclusive that it would be that she was lying. If she were lying it would have caught her dead on. The guy you are paying is certifying his responses, he cannot certify an inconclusive and he cannot tell you it was probably an honest answer if he doesn't know 100%.

It is more likely that your wife was being honest than that she was lying. At least from what I have read about polygraphs. Google polygraph accuracy.

I hope this helps. Take care.

On the most important question, did she have other men during your relationship, she answered she didn't and was shown to be truthful. With her sister and those friends, I honestly thought she was going to fail on that question.

The inconclusive on talking to OM only about the DNA she failed because she was lying. She really thought the baby was his and went to him because at that time, she felt she was more his girl than yours. In an affair, the waywards have this us against the world attitude.

But you already knew she was in a fogged up "in love state" with that POS. The fog started to dissipate when he responded in a way that exposed that he saw her only as a side piece. All the future faking was seen for what it was. Her facing pregnancy with this guys baby, she saw she was on the fast track to single mom status.

Thank God it was not his kid. We on this board have read hundreds of threads. We can spot the BHs that want to R. Since that is the case, you can proceed knowing that she hasn't slept with anyone else, even though her family and friends could have pushed her in that direction many times. You also know that she truly does want to make the marriage work.

R is possible, if you both work at it. Your baby girl in her womb could be help draw you closer together than you've been in years.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 12:09 AM, April 20th (Thursday)]

The wife wants to take another test for the two questions that were inconclusive. She says that she understood the examiner's explanation and answered truthfully. That she only brought up the pregnancy to him because she wanted him to help pay for the costs. It was him who said he wanted to be with her if the baby was his. So it could have just been poor wording. Either way, the baby isn't his so he can just disappear. As for the timeline question being inconclusive. I think I know enough to feel like I have most of the story, with a possible few details aside. I figured if she left anything significant out it would have been automatic fail.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:37 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]