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It's very hard for me to pull the divorce trigger. She has quit her job and went NC so she must still have something for me right? She now wants to go to counseling together..

Of course she has something for you to do all the dirty and drudgery work in your marriage and around the house while she is having perverted fun

Barry if you stay with her you will have to be a perpetual detective and it will eat you inside out

"I don't deserve to be anyones second pick." You are deserving it by yourself by acting meekily

[This message edited by goalong at 4:48 PM, February 11th (Saturday)]

Barry sorry buddy but she seems like a selfish brat. Trying to manipulate by having tantrums if she doesnt get her way. So do you give in so she stops throwing a fit like a big ol bratty teenager?

Barry,

I'm obviously in favor of exposing, but as Bigger said, not as a punitive measure. For support and for accountability. My brother and his wife were crucial in belong me. My best friend Brad. My wife's sister supported her (yes, the WW needs support). And yes, we needed to tell the older kids something and my wife took responsibility for her actions and confessed her affair to them despite my asking her not too (I forgot about her throwing up - good times). So you tell people who you think will be supportive and helpful. To you and your wife. Will some people gossip and blab? Inevitably. But those people are not friends of the marriage. The ones who support you two as you try to repair what you have, those are the ones who matter.

One other thing, I believe I've said this before, but you need to take control. You need to lay out conditions for reconciliation. She either comes along for the ride or her non-compliance tells you she's not willing to do what it takes. Make one of those conditions exposure. And honestly, why do you need her permission to begin with? If she is truly remorseful, she will be happy to go along with your conditions, no matter how embarrassed she might be. If not, well, that's telling.

I'm not sure what to look for and what to do. She said she wants to reconcile, I don't yet know what I want. The thought of losing our single family unit tears me apart, but I know it would not be my fault. If she is to believed she has told no one about the affair. I am starting to get irritated with her by just looking at her I get upset. I know if we divorce she will get alimony and most likely primary child custody when she's the one who had the affair because I work. I am going to see a therapist or just expose the affair. I can't just spend my breaks at work crying. I wish I could just read minds and see what she's thinking. We have an event tomorrow and family is coming over to our house. How I wish I could just expose her affair in front of everybody and then just hide in the bathroom. I gave her my terms for reconciliation and she said she wants this. This is all happening so fast, she barely even waited to get physical with the OM and god knows how many times they did, possibly every shift. Coming home with a smile on her face while secretly single handedly destroying my family. Believe me when I say my wife if you knew her you would suspect her to be the last person to do that.

I really hope I can get through tomorrow, I feel pain physically and mentally. It's our youngest sons birthday. We have one son and two older girls. I know I can't expose it tomorrow, but I can't deal with this, its going to have to be soon.

Barry- Put on your party face for your son, avoid her and you can make your way thought tomorrow.

You are still running on adrenalin and in panic mode, trying to hold it all together. It's gotta be hell.

Sounds like you would like R and that she is saying the same thing. It's going to take time for her actions to line up with her words.

She is still in A withdrawl and you are trying to process all the the shit that she dumped on you...neither in the best mind set to make huge decisions. Try to take thing down a notch, try (if you can) for put aside for a while what she did in the past and see what she is doing NOW.

Hang in there you might be heading in the same direction. If not you can start towards D in a week or 3.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:45 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Do not talk to her anymore about exposing. She has already warned the OM that you might do it. Just do it on your own and provide no warning.

She didn't seek your approval before blowing up the marriage. And unlike hers, this choice is the moral right thing to do.

Barry,

Do not be a push over. File for D. If you want even to R this will really help. She will come crawling and all her shenanigans will disappear. Your so called wife knows the OM dirt bag is a womanizer and your filing D will shock her in to her sensors. Right now she does not even regret let alone showing remorse. again you will be much better off without her. If you continue in this state even your job will be affected. Think about your all other family you have including kids. If it comes to D develop a case (with a lawyer) based on her reckless actions. That way you can make a case base on your children welfare. Tell your kids. They will want to be with you rather than yout immoral wife. BluesPower is right on the money. You are only 42 You can have a nice 32 year old LoL

[This message edited by goalong at 7:08 AM, February 12th (Sunday)]

BluesPower,

Attacking someone's character under the guise of trying to be helpful is not only unkind and unhelpful, it's against site guidelines.

Please don't do it again, or you will lose your posting privileges.

Thank you.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:46 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Hope your son's birthday party is going okay.

I do want you to think about this statement:

I know if we divorce she will get alimony and most likely primary child custody when she's the one who had the affair because I work.

Do not let this paralyze you. As a matter of fact, the sooner that you accept this as a mere reality(not divorcing---the alimony and custody), the sooner that you will stop letting this possibility dictate your actions. Look, your wife could have five more affairs next week, and then file for divorce right afterwards, with the affairs probably having zero effect on alimony or custody(unless she was proved to be endangering the children). Many members here can attest to this, as they are living with the short end of the stick. But it is still a better situation than living in infidelity.

I'm not saying that the two of you can't/won't be successful; I'm saying NOT to let the fears of divorce stop you from doing what is right for your healing.

T/J

Blues – Back in the cop’s I was told there were two types of LEO: Those that create problems and those that solve problems. The former could go into a bar and leave with 20 people in cuffs. The later could enter the same bar and guide the single obnoxious drunk out and into a taxi – problem solved with at least 19 happier people. The former seldom became good cops…

I suggest a milder tone, and one thing I have learned over the years: Although I might not always agree with the SI Staff then they have ALWAYS been correct!

Ent of T/J

For what it’s worth Barry, then I think you are doing good. The super-power-red-cloak betrayed husbands that react correctly from day 1… they are rare. All things considered… you are doing fine. It’s our job to get you to do better though…

Would you mind sharing your conditions? If you aren’t comfortable with that then you could share with those you trust so far on this site.

Conditions need to be clear. For example: If you demand NC what does that mean? What if she’s on a social post-group with friends from the job and he’s in that group? What if she searches him on the Internet? Is how she should react to attempted contact clear?

She hasn’t told anyone of the affair is not the same as nobody knowing off it. Go back to my last post. There are at least 5 people that we know that know of the affair. It’s common knowledge. It’s known.

Barry…. If the thought of divorce is keeping you from taking action… Then find a way to accept your wife has a lover. Once she realizes you won’t do anything about it… she will go back. Yes – you might have to pay CS (and that’s fine because that money is for your kids) and possibly alimony (probably temporary because once the kids reach a certain age she can work) but your life will be fine. At least better than having to wonder why your wife has that smug smile when she comes home a bit later than expected…

Although it may not seem like it I have been more assertive. I laid out all my conditions for reconciliation including no contact with OM, her phone and email passwords, no whatsapp or any of those third party messenger apps on her phone. She must go to counseling and make an effort, she has to show me she wants this because her actions over the past few months has shown she wants the OM. I let her know anymore lies will result in the end of our marriage. I told her straight up that she's free to go live with her lover if she doesn't agree to any of my rules. She said she wants to make our marriage work and she cares about my feelings more than the OM. Again her actions don't show that, their affair was highly emotional so this is tough. Have also though about getting her messages restored, I don't know if I want to look anymore though.

She has offered to take a poly, although I'm not even sure what questions should be asked. About her being exposed, I know it will shame her but I'm actually thinking about it humilating me. It isn't really something to brag about that your wife is all over another guy. I understand where you guys are coming from though. I want to know the root problem of why she did what she did and why she threw it all away for this divorced, father of four pot smoking asshole.

[This message edited by barry22 at 3:05 PM, February 12th (Sunday)]

Barry please read wallops 1st thread. It even covers the Poly and the process of coming up with questions.

I promise you that it will be really informative and instructive.

It sounds like you're making progress. Her "love " for other man was based on nothing but chemical high a WW gets from being naughty. Her love for you has a solid foundation, in time she'll be disgusted with herself for risking her family to be with a sleazy POS.

Did you confirm independently if he was a mgr? If he was, you could probably blow his shit up.

Buddy, I see you making a huge mistake by not exposing. The exposing is what makes it 'real' to the cheater and OM. That's what 'ends' it for them- when their world is burnt down.

The fact of it is- the only consequence your wife has had is you being angry, and you making demands and threats.

She can still carry on everywhere else (family functions, school functions, work, church, with girlfriends) as if nothing is amiss. The only time she has to look the affair in the face is when she comes home to you. Exposing and having her face herself day-in day-out is what will make her see the enormity of what she did.

Yes, it sucks for you too. But its not your fault, its hers. It took my WW quite a while to face the fact SHE did it 100% herself.

I have to say... I exposed very selectively. I did not expose to my fWH's family, and I didn't need to expose to the AP's spouse because she was so sure she'd bagged her prize she told him herself. (They're divorced now.. which is kind of funny actually because she was so certain her BH would take her back.)

I told some members of my extended family, but not others. It really came down to what I needed and who I needed it from. Which brings me to my point....

It's just too soon for you to know what the final outcome of all this will be. Our kneejerk reaction most of the time is to try to save the marriage. We're in shock on DDay and it takes months (and sometimes years) to fully process the betrayal. We cycle through the Five Stages of Grief... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in no particular order and repeatedly until we finally arrive at some form of acceptance that sticks.

I'm two years out and I still haven't arrived at final acceptance or true forgiveness. And although I am committed to R and we're doing great, I'm still cycling through those stages.

It's good that you have laid out your terms. But be aware that even as you take steps toward R, your mind is subject to change in the fullness of time. Sometimes, adultery really is a deal-breaker and sometimes it's not. If you focus on you and what your needs are, you'll save yourself a lot of angst.

Let go of the outcome. Treat yourself with loving kindness. Be a friend to yourself.

I know you've got children to think of and what's best for them to consider. Remember though that you are modeling what adult relationships and marriage are supposed to look like. They learn how to treat their future mate based on what they see at home. So when you demand to be treated respectfully, they learn to give and to expect respect.

She said she wants to reconcile, I don't yet know what I want.

You're not going to know what you want for a long time to come. It's perfectly normal to feel ambivalent and probably best to put that right up on the table. Your WW shouldn't be making comfortable assumptions as to whether or not you'll continue on in the marriage. She has to earn her way back in based on the integrity of her actions over a long period of time. She may, or may not, have the capacity to do that.

The weight of the world probably feels like it's crushing you right about now. But you're going to be okay. Be true to what YOU need and don't compromise more than you can afford to spare.

^^^^powerful post by CT^^^^

Outside their conversations and details of the sex I'm not clear on why you would need a polygraph test?

You know she had an affair with this dude and she now wants to save her relationship with you.

barry22,

There is no need to rush your decision whether to R or D but, before you do decide, make sure you read the new thread from LifeisCrazy (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=599878).

He brings an insightful perspective to the reconciliation time frame (often described as 2-5 years) that every BS should consider before making up his or her mind.

Poly to find out if she planned to run off with OM. He may also want to know if she performed any acts that she has in the past turned him down on.

These are common concerns and could be deal breakers for Barry. It is important to know what it is you're actually being asked to forgive.