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Oh man Barry, I'm sorry. This is classic behavior of cheaters. It is very rare that a wayward will confess to all the details.

How are you holding up? How did you find out about this GF? Do you live in a small town?

[This message edited by soulhurt at 8:23 AM, February 10th (Friday)]

I went digging through his facebook and was able to find her because a friend of mines wife actually knows her. I saw a pic of him with his girlfriend uploaded during the early stages of their affair. My friend does know about the affair, he recognized the girl and asked his wife if she could contact me. She apparently was really upset about the affair told no one and skipped town.

Turns out her affair partner did have an SO but she broke up with him when she found out about their affair. She caught my wife at his house a few weeks ago and I'm just being informed now by the betrayed girlfriend. Wife never ever menthoned going to his house...

Did your WW go to his house before or after admitting to sex in different cars and you demanding NC?

Either way she's kept lying to you and there's probably even more that you don't know.I think it's time for you to expose her to family and friends.End all the lies one way or the other.

[This message edited by xrnpc at 8:43 AM, February 10th (Friday)]

Barry.

I can only tell you that I'm sorry. My heart breaks for you because the trickle truths can sometimes be worse than initially finding out about the affair.

How is your wayward reacting to all of this? Let us know.... someone might be able to help decipher her actions. Folks here on SI can be incredibly accurate.

((((Barry))))

Edited to correct.... It's not just the TT's that hurt, but the fact that waywards make ya dig for info and find out the extent of their A from others. In any event... keep posting, friend. It helps

[This message edited by Cricket03 at 9:08 AM, February 10th (Friday)]

Exhibit A of why YOU ALWAYS TELL THE OTHER SPOUSE.

Barry, you don't have any of the truth. Unfortunately it's time to talk to a lawyer and assume that she's not going to change. It's all on her to change now, and even then it might not be enough.

Hang in there.

How did your friend know about the affair if the OM's SO told nobody?

Someone else knew. How?

Barry, you have been married 16 years. If this behavior from your WW hasn't been bubbling up throughout the marriage then I believe this could be a one off screw up by your WW.

Mid-life crisis, or she got addict to the excitement and thrill of new love, it made her feel desirable, ect.

It's very normal that a wayward will not confess to all of it right off the bat. They are very embarrassed and scared and are trying to protect themselves.

I would schedule a sit down with your wife without the kids around and tell her she needs to come clean and answer all your questions and you give her your conditions for R.

I think your situation is very fixable, however I'm not there to read her body language and see how she is around you. Is she apologizing and being affectionate? Or is she cold and withdrawn like she is checked out of the marriage?

[This message edited by soulhurt at 9:05 AM, February 10th (Friday)]

I had to finally remove myself from the situation with NC before I got any since of how I felt. I can now say I don't want to spend the next 2-5 years seeing if this marriage is worth fighting for. I will never trust her again, she isn't someone I am proud to call my wife anymore. I was so tormented like you wanting to save my marriage.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:44 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Well if his GF was so upset about catching them at his house that caused her to leave town, then she must have got quite an eye full. I bet she very well may have walked in on them doing the deed. If they went to his house on lunch break, you don't have much time, reminds me of high school. We had open campus lunch so we could go home to eat, and with the parents at work it was go time.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 9:12 AM, February 10th (Friday)]

We've been talking after the two individual counseling sessions she has had. She has said she wants to make things right with the women and she definitely owes her an apology. I think I have all the pieces I need to know she betrayed me in the worst possible ways. She is not acting cold snd constantly says sorry. It's very hard for me to pull the divorce trigger. She has quit her job and went NC so she must still have something for me right? She now wants to go to counseling together.. also I told my friend about the affair he was the only one I told.

Good detective work on getting the info on OM. Have you confirmed,independently, if he was a superior in the office? It could help you blow up his world.

I would schedule a sit down with your wife without the kids around and tell her she needs to come clean and answer all your questions and you give her your conditions for R.

Yep. I did exactly this and asked my wife more than 100 questions over the course of a grueling and devastating weekend. I recorded our discussion as well so I could review them. I then posted all questions and responses here for easier reference.

The key is beforehand you must explain the need for honesty and transparency. That your wife let go of the normal need for self preservation and finally be completely truthful and open. That there's no hope for R if she can't. And that she's already hurt you more than she could possibly imagine so this foolish ide of not wanting to hurt you further that many WS's spout is not a valid reason for withholding anything. You need the facts.

My strategy was to tell all this to my wife and then let her know that she will be taking a polygraph afterward. And that if I found out later that she lied about anything, even where she went for lunch on a Tuesday, we were done. And I was fully prepared to D over any additional lies. No bluffing. And the end result was that she was, finally, 100% truthful. And passing the poly was a steppingstone towards R.

We see it so many times. It's not just the affair that kills the marriage. It's the lies and TT. Because trust has already been broken and this just further erodes that trust and informs us that this is who our spouse is. This new person who lies so easily. So being forthcoming and transparent, even when it makes her look horrible, is a way for her to show you that while she made horrible and hurtful choices, she is committing herself to you and to your marriage.

Now, if she doesn't do the above and continues the lies and TT...then she will have shown that she's not interested in R, in which case your path forward out of infidelity is to begin terminating the marriage. I hope she chooses the former. But, as they say, hope for the best, expect the worst.

That's a really good sign Barry. You are a great guy and you handled this very well. Do you feel like you are ready for MC with her? A common mistake and one that I made was doing that to quickly after discovery. However it seems your WW could be ready, now the question you need to answer is are you ready for MC?

Also in MC don't use it to shame your WW, try not to make her out to be the only "bad guy". She is 100% responsible for the affair, but you are also 50% responsible for issues in the marriage outside the affair. Don't make MC a bashing your wayward meeting. Tell the truth, let your feelings out about how the affair is hurting you ect.

Good luck, and my gut is telling me you guys are going to make it.

Barry

It‘s EXTREMELY rare – to the point of nearly nonexistent – that we get the complete truth on d-day or the first weeks.

>It’s a combination of several things:

>You wife is afraid of telling the truth.

>Denial.

>Trying to minimize.

>Not knowing what info you need.

>Something non-relevant or minor to her might be major to you.

Us old-timers have told you several times that you need total and absolute truth. We also warned you that you probably didn’t have the truth.

Right now, you are looking down the long, crooked and winding road of reconciliation and glancing towards divorce. You know divorce might be shorter but there are some really tough obstacles there.

Go to the part I shared about R being a gift.

You can (and should) make that gift conditional. Truth being the main condition.

I suggest you make it very clear to your wife that anything you learn NOW will be hurtful and might cause you immense pain BUT it will damage the marriage less than discovering these facts some distance down reconciliation.

If you are up for it then make a deal: The total and absolute truth. List what info you need. Do you need to know when? Where? How? What?... Write down your requirements. Give her some time (a couple of hours – max a day) to prepare but then you either want a written account or that she sits down and tells you the truth. You have to be prepared to sit and listen.

The deal being NO MATTER what she says you won’t pull the plug for at least 20 days.

That gives the marriage time for the pain to slightly diminish. Gives you time to think. Gives you time to see her actions and evaluate how committed she is.

Frankly Barry – your situation isn’t worse from knowing those facts. I could argue that you are a step closer to out of infidelity right now.

Barry – see how the advice from us that have been here is more-or-less the same…

About your WW need to apologize…

NO!

Thing about it: If OM were to phone you or appear at your door with a gift-wrapped bottle of fine Scotch, a nice card and some flowers and apologize… How would YOU feel? Would it do anything positive for you? Would it benefit you in any way? Would you be thinking “gee – He’s a really nice guy. I can see what she fell for”?

The ex GF of the OM probably thinks your wife is a selfish slut. Your wife has to live with that. She doesn’t get a chance to make herself feel better about it because there really isn’t anything your WW can tell the ex GF to make her feel better.

Bigger is right, your WW doesn't need to apologize to his GF for crying out loud. That is ridiculous, do you want that POS come over with some beer to apologize to you for chasing after your wife? If he did that you would probably rip him to pieces on the spot.

He is the one that owes his GF an apology not your wife.

She needs to go NC with the OM and his GF. Also if any of her friends knew and they didn't tell you, then she needs to dump them too.

She has said she wants to make things right with the women and she definitely owes her an apology.

Nope. If she wants to apologize there are Hallmark cards for that in the same aisle with the "You're fired" and "Sorry I killed your dog" cards... Unless she is remorseful (not yet likely) and doing some kind of "Step 8 or 9", meeting face to face is more for her to feel good about her own actions than comforting the screwed over xBS.

She needs to concentrate on the truth, you and the kids and the shaky M and R before going out to make amends to third parties.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:04 PM, February 10th (Friday)]

We've been talking after the two individual counseling sessions she has had. She has said she wants to make things right with the women and she definitely owes her an apology. I think I have all the pieces I need to know she betrayed me in the worst possible ways. She is not acting cold snd constantly says sorry. It's very hard for me to pull the divorce trigger. She has quit her job and went NC so she must still have something for me right? She now wants to go to counseling together.. also I told my friend about the affair he was the only one I told.

What did she say about you finding out she got caught at the OM's house and the fact she never mentioned that to you?

If the betrayed girlfriend wanted an apology, she'd seek it out. She left town for a reason. I agree-your wayward has no business trying to track the girlfriend down. Might I say that it's actually a little selfish for her to even suggest that she apologize. (Like, how horrible would it be for the girlfriend to have to stand there and listen to someone apologizing for having sex with her boyfriend? Just the thought makes me cringe.). Sorry, but I think your wife has an ulterior motive on that.

Anywho.... if she was sorry, she's had plenty of time to apologize after the girlfriend caught them together.

She needs to concentrate on you, the kids and what's going on in your home - not the other man or his (ex) girlfriend.