SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Agreed, ulterior motive. She's hoping to find what's going on with other man. Is he ok? Is he hurting, too? Does he miss her?

^^^ she wants to know if is he back with the xGF.

And if having an affair is like an addiction, she like a junkie looking for that next hit. It's on her mind and will be for a while....

you guys are probably right about the reason why she wants to apologize. OM cheated on his girlfriend before my wife even. She apologized for not telling me and just told me she wanted to get away from it all. I wish I could do the same... It's so hard for me to put on a happy face in front of our kids and I will have to do so this weekend.

[This message edited by barry22 at 2:02 PM, February 10th (Friday)]

You shouldn't have to put on a happy face when your dying inside. Your older kids should be made aware of the crisis the family is under.

Exposing to the family will help her realize what she nearly did. At the same time her seeing your kids latch on to you and loving on you will also splash more cold water on any latent fantasy she may cling to of having POS replace you.

Your WW said this is between you and her. That is WRONG. This was about the whole family. When you cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your kids.

She should want to ask the family for forgiveness. Her confessing a PG-13 version to the kids can be a step in recommitting to the marriage and family. Having to face the kids will help in the defogging.

As it is, they know something is up. Your wife confessing, asking for forgiveness, and pledging to work on the marriage will reassure you and them.

Some of the successful Rs on this site were possible because the family as a whole fought to keep it intact.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 8:55 PM, February 10th (Friday)]

It's so hard for me to put on a happy face in front of our kids and I will have to do so this weekend.

That's probably one of the hardest things to do. I couldn't always do it, but I made sure my kids knew I loved them. The rest just works out in the end.

Excellent Jsmart

She is 100% against me exposing.... all she has said is maybe at a later time but definitely not now. I don't think she should get to decide. My world feels shattered, venting here has helped me but I think I may need to say a therapist. I just wonder how she feels and if she actually has any remorse. It's getting bad to the point where my work performance is suffering. My wife is still not over the OM but wants to go counseling. Is it even a good idea?

There is an old saying sometimes attributed to Benjamin Franklin: Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. Basically, it means that the only way a secret can be safe is if only one man knows of it. Once two know there is the added risk of more knowing. I have also heard the phrase “three know and the world knows”.

Let’s list those that know of your WW affair, starting with those we are 100% certain know of it:

You – WW – OM – Your friend – OM ex GF

Let’s list those that probably know of the affair:

WW best friend – Your friend’s wife (after all – how did he explain the need to contact the XGF) – friends of XGF – people that work with OM and WW (do you really think the glances, joint lunches and so on weren’t’ noticed? Her abrupt resignation… The tongues are wagging at the job!)

So at least 5 know and probably 3-30 more.

And yet you hold off exposure and your wife insists nobody gets to know…

They KNOW…

Out of respect your true friends are holding back, allowing you to deal with this. They do this because they don’t know better.

If you can go read Walloped story. He had the sense of exposing to his close family and friends. He and his wife stood exposed to all but – because he exposed asking for help – all he got was HELP. That’s what you need right now – people around you willing to support and guide you two in healing your marriage.

Barry – you don’t negotiate exposure. You don’t tell your wife you are going to do it. You simply chose those that can help and then tell them. If you think the person being told can have a positive effect, then it’s fine.

By positive effect I could be referring to then adding extra eyes on your WW, on offering moral guidance, of offering a haven where you two aren’t’ judged, of offering to take care of the kids while you need time, of offering to ease your pain and share your burden.

Not wanting to expose is the path that leads to rug sweeping and non-accountability. She wants no consequences but you're supposed to suffer in silence?

As shitty as it sounds, it's going to take time for her to withdraw from OM. They've been having sex for months and the dopamine hit she was getting each time really creates attachment for women. That is why she needs to some IC to help her get to the bottom of her brokenness.

MC at this stage is not to helpful in the beginning unless you have a counselor that has experience with infidelity. Too many times it turns into what did the BH do to cause the WW to hop on OM.

I advise you to take advantage of this excellent site and post more often with more detail so the members can provide advice that is more focused.

I went through R over 17 years ago. I made many mistakes along the way. I wish I had this site to guide me back then.

Also going to 2nd Bigger suggestion that you read through Walloped 1st thread on his page.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 11:48 AM, February 11th (Saturday)]

Barry, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you were 100% against her banging another dude while married to you. Did she respect your wishes?

I agree with those saying she does not get to decide if you expose. It is a consequence of her actions.

Shocking....(sarcasm)

She is 100% against me exposing.... all she has said is maybe at a later time but definitely not now.

Of course she does not want it to be exposed. That would be too real. It would reveal what she is. A lying cheater. It would throw an ice cold bucket of water on her lingering affection for the OM. It would shatter her sense of control over what is happening. In short there is no upside for her in being exposed.

Now there is a ton of upside for you. It puts you in control. It shows you are not willing to put up with her dictating terms for R. It is a necessary and needed consequence that she must endure. And if she cannot take it, well she should of thought about that before screwing another guy.

Now what is the risk for you? Well she could throw a tantrum and leave for the OM. Or she could just give up and opt for a D. Yes, those are potential risks. But if she does that, then she was never in it to begin with. It's a quick go-no-go gauge. This is not a slow growing cancer situation in which there are various options to choose from. This is a fractured bone. It needs to be set. There is no other option. No magic herb or salve is going to fix this marriage. And bone setting is painful.

I don't think she should get to decide.

Damn right she doesn't.

I just wonder how she feels and if she actually has any remorse

.

She does not have remorse. Sorry but it is true. She may display some behavior that hints at remorse. But no, its not there. Walloped's wife insisted on telling the kids she screwed up. Even though he did not want her to. Hell she even threw up when she did it. She took responsibility and was not going to let him take any blame for her horrible behavior. That is Remorse. That is owning your own choices.

It's getting bad to the point where my work performance is suffering

I can guarantee you that once you start taking control of your destiny you will feel much better. Exposure is the first step in that process.

She is 100% against me exposing.... all she has said is maybe at a later time but definitely not now. I don't think she should get to decide. My world feels shattered, venting here has helped me but I think I may need to say a therapist. I just wonder how she feels and if she actually has any remorse. It's getting bad to the point where my work performance is suffering. My wife is still not over the OM but wants to go counseling. Is it even a good idea?

From your post's about your wife's behavior so far, NO, she's not remorseful. She still has feelings for the other man and she wants to control you, so you don't expose them. She does need therapy, but you need to make sure her IC (Individual Counselor) has experience with infidelity. She needs to work on her weak boundaries.

You need to expose the affair to both your families, for support, and close friends. She cheated and disrespected your marriage and family. Don't reward her for that by helping her hide it. Stay strong brother.

You are trying to "nice" her into remorse. Won't work. You're just going to get hurt.... more than you already are. Isn't there a saying "nice guys finish last". It tends to ring true with infidelity and reconciliation.

I know you are not liking what you are reading here. It's harsh, kinda "in your face" advice you're getting. But it's all done to help you. Please remember that.

Hi Barry

Is your wife an alpha female? I'm getting the impression from your posts that she is the leader of the family. She gets her way, she makes all the decisions, she calls the shots. If that is the case you will be having continued problems in the marriage including future infidelity by her.

If that is the case then you both need IC and MC to build a truly honest equal partnership.

Sort of like you catching the cat burglar climbing out the window with everything you value and saying "Hey don;t tell anyone about this, ok?"

Don't enable her by coving up for her.

So IC for both of us seems like the best option. She's currently in it right now. My wife I wouldn't say always wants stuff her way, she always wants to be organized and have a game plan. She sometimes has temper tantrums over small things, but throughout our marriage the power has always been equal. But yeah she does like to have stuff her way, but she has never been selfish about it. I also think the affair should be exposed maybe not now but soon. I'm sitting here looking for answers why she did this. My wife was very logical and rational before this, and I have to let it sink through that she threw it all away for the other man. She's still here and I don't know how to feel about that, I don't deserve to be anyones second pick.

NEVER LEAVE HOME. IF IT COME TO THAT ASK HER TO LEAVE MARITAL HOME. I THINK THE IDIOT WOMAN IS IN FOG Tell her IT is affecting your life and work

[This message edited by goalong at 3:54 PM, February 11th (Saturday)]

I'm going to once again recommend that you get your wife the following books: "How to Help Your spouse heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass for your wife to read.

You on the other hand need the "Married Man Sex Life" Guide by Athol Kay. That one is ONLY for you to read.

Also go to Wallops page. He has 2 links. The top one is his first thread. You'll see what he started with and how with the guidance of some of the brightest members here, he was able to restore a marriage.

Like your wife, his wife was "in LOVE" with OM and had a very sexual PA even though she had a loving husband and a close knit family. Reading his thread will guide you and give you hope that things can turn around.

Yes, your wife is in the fog and may even secretly hope that she can lay low for a while and reconnect down the road, hence the wanting to keep this under wraps.

But there are some positives as well. She's willing to go to counseling, has stated that she'll remain NC, and more importantly has quit her job. All is not lost.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 3:56 PM, February 11th (Saturday)]

Barry,

You are obviously hurting and need help. Unfortunately, this board cannot provide you with all the help that you need. Like any person, and as Bigger implied, you need other physical, non-virtual, persons to be there for you in this time of need. If you need this help, then you need to flatly tell her you must do this, and that this is what you personally need to move out of infidelity at this time. She may argue that going to counseling should be enough; and while it may be for her, it appears it isn't enough for you. If this is the case, you need to communicate this fact to her. And only as a possible secondary benefit, her fantasy world may come crashing down around her.

Are you willing to reconcile? This is in my opinion very wild and she has no ethics or grace. better to kick her out there are plenty of loving gracious women