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I agree with Jsmart

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 PM, February 13th (Monday)]

As far as the polygraph, I asked what they did and she said "everything" so yup no reason to ask that question. Well she said she never planned on leaving me for the OM, but I can't believe that. She did ask for a separation on January 17th but did take it back a few days later so yeah. No he was not her manager, she said it was a mutual attraction that just progressed into an affair and fantasy and she's so sorry.

I was told they did not have sex ever it was just making out.

I asked what they did and she said "everything"

When did she admit to sex? You have held back from exposure based on good faith on her part. I see she is continuing lying. Unless I have missed something here.

Well she said she never planned on leaving me for the OM, but I can't believe that. She did ask for a separation on January 17th

Yeah, not only how could you believe that, but how could she even say that with a straight face?

Yikes, they did everything? God that's got to hurt.

But it's seems that pulling out all the stops for the OM is normal operating procedure for the majority of WWs.

As for finding out if she planned to leave you, there is no doubt that at the time she asked for the separation, she was seriously considering it but something probably happened between them or she had a moment of clarity where she realize that what she had with OM was not something she could build a life with causing her to back pedal.

Woman on average are much more emotional being and much more willing to go with their "feelings" at the moment. In an affair their heads are so chemically imbalance, which explains their erratic behavior. It is so common for WWs when calling their OM to break it off, to make vows of never forgetting them.

As they detach they will hate themselves for what they've done. Hopefully down the road, your wife will be one who will truly regret what she's done to you and the family and show you through ACTIONS that she's remorseful.

Barry, stop hesitating on the exposure. Have a family meeting with the older kids, and explain what is going on. Give her 1 chance to do it herself, if she balks, you go forward.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 6:52 PM, February 13th (Monday)]

Exposure is generally used as a tool to break up an affair. Unless she starts it back up I don't see the point.

However, you also need support so it may be necessary to tell someone what is going on. Exposure to your kids may also be necessary as to why the family has undergone a serious attack and you are no doubt showing this.

You need counseling and ptsd treatment.

Exposure is generally used as a tool to break up an affair. Unless she starts it back up I don't see the point.

She might start it again because there weren't any consequences the first time.She may even divorce barry a few years later and act like the affair is old news and totally not the reason.

[This message edited by xrnpc at 12:34 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

I most likely will need PTSD treatment. I have not had a nightmare in a few days so that's good. I have told her we will have a family meeting this week and she is going to tell our kids what she did. She has said she wants more time for us to work on our issues before we involve anyone else. Oh the irony in that statement, I did let hear it for that comment. She has admitted she is still thinking about the OM, I told her to just go leave and be with him because I'm not dealing with this anymore. She has said just because she thinks about him doesn't mean she wants to be with him, she wants to be with me. Well my wife has agreed to tell our kids but she wants to do it in a right way maybe in a therapy session or something similar.

Hi Barry.

I am sorry for your troubles. My idiot, cake-eating cheater took his affair underground and broke no contact 2 years ago, and we are in reconciliation now. I just wanted to share a few things with you from my experience.

Affairs are like drugs. Literally, the chemicals released in their brains are addicting. It is pretty typical for them to break no-contact. Sometimes they even want to end the A before they are discovered but find after a few days of NC, they start jonesing and they can't maintain NC.

They are not jonesing for love or for the AP. They are itching for how the AP made them feel, the high.

When they are high, they say all kinds of shit to make sure the drug isn't withdrawn. They might say I love you, I want to run away with you, I am leaving my spouse, anything to keep the kibbles flowing.

Like a drug, they need more and more to get the high, which is how they go from flirting to texting to talking to fucking.

Your wife doesn't miss OM. Why would she, he's a spineless, immoral, cheating liar! She misses her kibbles. The only cure is NC. She is at risk for breaking NC. She needs to be busy working on herself and focus her intention on becoming the person she is meant to be.

If she breaks NC, you need to have a plan. My WH knew that if he contacted AP or started a new A, we were DONE. When he contacted AP and I found out about it, I told him we were divorcing and kicked him out. If I had not done this (and it hurt like surgery), he would have known he could do anything he wanted to me. Have a plan AND STICK TO IT.

if you are worried about her catching up with OM while you are at work, put a GPS in her car so you can track her activities. If she has too much time during the day, she can get another hobby-type job, maybe in a female-dominated environment, and that will help her move forward.

"Well my wife has agreed to tell our kids but she wants to do it in a right way maybe in a therapy session or something similar."

In other words, she wants to control and minimize the exposure.

I know she is at risk at breaking NC. I can't monitor her all day so that's the hard part. I stupidly asked if she loved him, she said yes.

Where we are right now, she has kept NC with her co worker as far as I can tell. She is in individual counseling. Has said she wants to make it work.

What I have to forgive if we go down the R path: Her asking me for a separation so she can be with the OM. Her lying to me about not sleeping with OM. The fact that she bought the OM gifts. The fact that she had no remorse about what she was doing and how this would effect our family. She said she "wanted to run away with him". Much more I have to be willing to forgive and it seems so hard. I don't have their past texts and don't want to see them.

It's very hard. A loving wife and stay at home mom before this falls for a douche. Being with the OM was physically and emotionally more important than me and her family. I am trying to make sense of why she did what she did but I can't.

Hold up.

Who said you have to forgive those things if you decide to attempt reconciliation??

Forgiveness is not a requirement for reconciliation.

Forgiveness,true forgiveness, will come, after a long period of time, because of her honest,remorseful, and consistent actions.

Or it won't. And that's ok.

Way too many betrayed spouses concentrate way too much on forgiveness.

The truth is...Forgiveness doesn't matter. It won't take away your anger,or pain. It won't make what she did ok.

Many people here have successfully reconciled...without forgiving their WS.

Take forgiveness off the table.

Stop trying to figure out why she did this. That's for her to figure out.

Hint...it has zero to do with you..or your marriage.

I know your goal is to save your marriage, but having to live with a wife with whom you vowed faithfulness forever, knowing she loves another man, I find that intolerably cruel. I could not stay.

She already did everything with him. Physically and emotionally, heart and soul. Why would she want to stay with you? Reputattion? Morals she used to adhere to?

If you are going to expose the affair, you should run the shots and she should get zero input. You got zero input about the affair.

She wanted to run away with him? Oh my. You are dealing with a woman who is not an adult.

I guess you're going to play out these shitty cards you've been dealt, but even if it goes as well as it can, I think it's a losing hand in the end. The affair itself doesn't kill the marriage, it's all the cruel shit afterwards. The lies. The manipulations. Like trying to tell you who and how you are allowed to tell the story of your life, your trauma, she stabbed you in the back but she wants to control who you are allowed to tell about it, and how to describe it.

How about this? You get to tell your story, and she gets to tell hers.

What does she do with herself to keep occupied these days?

She has become very selfish, if she wasn't originally like that from the beginning.

Barry,

What Confused and wk55hn said. You expose for you, on your terms, to whom, and how. from the tone of your words, it does not appear that you are happy with how she wants to control the exposure. Remember, the exposure is to help you, and as an ancillary benefit, to burst her bubble. We understand that your ind is awash at the moment, but you need to choose what is best for you, and make the choice to move out of infidelity. I'm sure you're scared that if you don't comply, st least to some degree with your WW's wishes, that it'll push her aWay. If it does, then you are still moving out of infidelity. You need to risk losing your marriage to have any chsnce at saving it.

This may make me a softy, or a wimp, but I'll,play devil's advocate here.

One, would it have been better if she had lied and said she didn't love OM? Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. She was honest. Finally. Hard to say, harder to hear. It's also normal for an EA. Of course she loved him and still does on some level. Check out the Wayward Forum. There are plenty of people who have their shit together but loved their OM/OW. Now, that may be a deal breaker for Barry. That's his call. But don't jump all over her for being truthful. Barry should want the truth, even if it's painful to hear.

Second, telling the kids in a therapy session is a very good idea. It is not necessarily controlling. Because once they know, I'd strongly recommend IC for each of them. My girls went for therapy for a few months after we told them. It's really important for them to process and work through their feelings in a healthy way. She's a mom. I'd expect nothing less then her wanting to soften the impact to them. They need to know, but not have it slammed over their heads with all the gory details.

Third, I agree with Confused. I have still not forgiven my wife. Don't know if I ever will. I look,at that as a separate thing than R.

Fourth, Barry - you'll never figure this out. It won't make sense. There may be reasons or explanations, but nothing will truly make this okay in your eyes. If you guys reconcile, you need to understand that. But it is still so early. It takes time. Time for her head to get her head south of ass and wake up. Time for her feelings to dissipate. Because while she says she loves OM, let's get real. After five months max? Love? Please. It's fantasy land. Illusory. Compelling, yes. And she lost her mind and rational self over it, but love? Come on. This shit takes time. Time for you to heal and for her as well. Just know that.

Now, you are well within your rights to not be okay with any of this and call it quits. But if you're going to stay, then at least have a realistic view of what you're dealing with.

Last point. Watch her actions. Not just what she says. Over time. See what she does. She can say she wants to be in the marriage, but if she lies, or minimizes, or breaks NC, then believe her actions. You mentioned she bought him gifts. So did my wife. $900 pair of cuff links. Did he buy her anything? Does she have them still? She needs to get rid of all mementos, gifts and reminders. Copy texts onto your PC or phone and elite them from hers if they're still there. Same with emails. You do not want her reminiscing over pics or anything else. That's what I mean about actions. Makes sense?

Hang in there.

Barry you should read Silverstar's post. Your wife is like a junkie. She wants keep feeling that high she got from being an adulteress. In reality it's not this POS that she wants, it's the chemical release that his attention gave her. In time she will deeply regret not only her actions but her words.

You have to search inside of yourself to find out if your able to forgive these things. Her saying that she love OM, will be with you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The mind movies of the acts she performed with OM will haunt you for a long time. Just kissing her or having sex will trigger you. Something as simple as her resting her head on your chest after sex and looking lovingly at you will trigger you.

So if you want to R, you have to know that it's a long painful road. Believe it or not, it will probably be faster for you to divorce, go through withdrawal, slowly start dating, then finally finding a new love than for you to get to the point where you're both feeling in "love."

As for your wife leaving you if you "upset" her by exposing or letting her feel your pain and wrath, put your mind at ease. She now knows that POS is not only a step down from you, but more importantly is the path to single mom's Ville. Which is probably why she back tracked on the separation request.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 10:00 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]

I know she is at risk at breaking NC. I can't monitor her all day so that's the hard part. I stupidly asked if she loved him, she said yes.

FULL STOP!!!!! Why are we still having a conversation here? Your wife just told you she is in love with another man, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!! So of course NC isn't going to work. This woman needs to be served with divorce papers.

And for the Walloped comment... No I don't think your a softy. But your WW's honesty was completely different. Take a second to think of how differently it would have been if Mrs. Walloped had told you she was in love with her OM. Would you really have given her points for honesty?

Your quickest route to recovery is to divorce her. Start the 180, emotionally detach from her, and move on to a more positive place with your life.

So your wife gets to sit back and think fondly of all the times she "did everything" with the OM, and of course you just have to sit there while she sorts herself out and chooses the time and place she gets to tell everyone how she f*cked you over.

Listen mate, you are not in control and that is where you will lose.

She got to have an affair, got to have a boyfriend, you found out, she still gets to sit in bed and dream about the magical time she had with him and you're supposed to be ok with it..maybe later down the line she'll tell everyone what happened, fall back in love with you and finally buy that silver grey unicorn she so desperately wanted for your birthday..

Expose. She quits her job. Stop negotiations. You either have a wife with no boyfriend working on the marriage or you have a wife with a boyfriend.