SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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It's not really difficult but it is a question of self worth, can you imagine a beautiful woman who got hit on everyday more times than she can imagine starts dating an average joe, they fall in love, later down the line he cheats on her, she would leave him in a second because she knows 9/10 she'll land on her feet and find another bloke.

I think we molly coodle people a bit too much. IC to find out why they cheated, IC to talk about why they want to sleep with other people, instead of just listening and treating them like adults and taking their actions as truth.

The man's wife wants another man.

She's not screwed up, or crazy. She's not vulnerable or psychotic. She wants what her heart wants. Limbo is yours when you embrace it but then you get this kind of result, holding onto to someone who's already walking away in the other direction.

I never said leave, I said take a day off, get breathing space away from the house and strategies. Big difference

Strategize when away from house

Barry

First, Western is correct. You need time off.

You are in a marathon, not a sprint. It’s going to take months and years. It’s OK and even necessary to pace yourself. Take time off – your problems will wait. They’re not going anywhere.

Take your kids to the zoo or a park. Go to the car-dealership and behave as if you just might be purchasing that car you always wanted. Go to the pro shop and have the rep explain why that $$$ driver will lower your handicap. Go and get to test-cast that new SAGE fly-rod. Go to a firing range and shoot a gun. Whatever. Take time off.

Second: Don’t ask her about her IC. It’s INDUVIDUAL counseling. Whatever she tells you is at best diluted through what she remembers and how she retells it. Allow HER to use HER IC for HER.

Third: She’s not going to come running home one day with an explanation on why she cheated. Its not because she had coffee in the morning before her cereal or because her teacher made her recite a poem in front of class in third grade. Her voyage of discovery and personal reconciliation is going to take time and all you can do is evaluate through her actions and behaviors if shes making progress.

It sort of goes this way: You do your personal recovery. She does her personal recovery. You both do marital and relationship recovery.

This by mouthkeptshut bears repeating:

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Correct her when she minimizes and blame shifts, even slightly. Don't even give her an inch. She needs to realize the gravity of what she did, even if you decide to forgive and move on. You can let her know that you are losing sleep, lack an appetite, and are roused by nightmares because of what she did without being petty. But you would be completely justified in being petty, too. I just personally feel that a calm and sincere statement of pain drives the point home better than theatrics.

Barry, this is all new, you are still in crisis mode. There is no rush to make a decision about the future of your marriage. Sorry this happened, for what it's worth you have been handling it very well. You took control very quickly and stopped her betrayal, you killed the crisis. Now comes the fallout, no need to go quickly now, take your time to search your heart.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 1:13 PM, February 16th (Thursday)]

I do need some time off. I'm going to have some time this weekend to gather my thoughts about all of this. She told me that she so badly wants to contact him.... but she knows that she wants me and our marriage. I told her if she contacts OM it's over. She thinks the IC counseling has been helping but it's hard getting him out of her mind. That hurts....

She told me that she so badly wants to contact him.... but she knows that she wants me and our marriage.

I know it's not what you want to hear but in her favor she told you. She did not contact him (we hope).

Telling you puts you on notice, she could've kept it to herself and built up contacting him as something she must do. but by letting you know it may relieve some of the angst she is having. By telling you, now you need to be hyper vigilant, maybe she's asking for that.

Some say, an affair is an addiction. She is in withdrawal, and is talking like a addict who really wants another drink or pill, or hit. but also wants to stay clean. try as best you can to support her.

keep on being strong.

Barry have you exposed the affair yet?

You stated that your wife said she badly wanted to contact her AP but she wants you and the marriage and you said it would be over if she contacted him. Translated that means her heart and love is with/for the AP but she is going to tolerate you and the marriage because you and the marriage is the security she wouldn't have with the AP. You provide the family with security and stability and she wants to hang on to that. I have to admit that husbands who stay with wives that are in love with another man are better men than I am. I once believed that my wife no longer loved me and I had already planned my exit and was putting it in motion when I found out I was wrong. I have always said I wouldn't live with a woman that didn't love me. I hope you can get back to the life you once had even if it is with someone else. I truly wish you well.

I should be somewhat ok that she's being honest I guess. I don't though, I feel like crap all the time. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't know if what she's telling me is signifying that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and rather be with OM. I am sitting here late at night because it's so difficult for me to sleep. So six months ago she was happy. Hard to believe she meets someone "falls in love" and decides she wants out of the marriage. And I don't know if she tells me these things to be honest or to give me signs showing she doesn't want to be with me anymore. This is the worst year of my life. And no, she is holding off on the exposure. First she was going to tell the family this week, now it's next week...

[This message edited by barry22 at 2:12 AM, February 17th (Friday)]

Are you really okay with her pushing off the exposure until next week? What do you need? Again, what do you need to move forward out of infidelity, time wise?

You can't figure out what she is thinking because if she is like my XW she didn't know from day to day. I thought she had some grand master plan in her head but in reality it was like pinball game up there, changed her mind all the time.

She will keep kicking disclosure down the street, there is no reason for it other than she just doesn;t want to tell anyone.

Since she won't do it it is time for you to take that choice from her, decide when to reveal. Set a date. This Sunday is a good as any.

Or just get the family together and drop the bomb without warning. To explain what is going on with you two.

Stop protecting her by hiding her secret, if it is going to happen, you may as well get it over with.

I understand your very bad year. My mother died and I was divorced within 8 months, at least my dog lived for 2 more years.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:38 AM, February 17th (Friday)]

I guess you are right. I should tell everyone Sunday even if it's not my responsibility to tell, it should be hers. Maybe she will finally get a sense of what she's done.

She wants to wait because she wants to control the exposure. Trust me, it will be very finely tuned towards all of the bad things that you have done. It sucks that you need to do this but you need to do this. There isn't another option really.

Barry, one of the reason for exposing, is so your wife has to face the depth of her betrayal.

Seeing the hurt in there eyes will hit her in the gut and will cause her feeling of "badly wanting to contact him" to dissipate. Seeing your kids rally around you, will cause her remaining feelings of wanting to run off with OM to disappear.

The wanting to put off exposure comes from a place of not being sure that she wants to R. She's made some important steps in a positive direction but these can all be reversed. Exposure on the other hand, can't be reversed. So if she changes her mind, she will not be able to spin that it was you that caused her to leave.

Barry

I think that all in all you are doing great.

But…

I want to suggest a slight adjustment in attitude and approach. It’s subtle but IMHO it can be key in getting results.

Right now, it’s sort of you waiting for her to do things. Sort of like when she tells you she’s tempted to contact OM then you telling her that if she does then the marriage is over. You waiting for her to tell others and she finding reasons not to.

OK – What I’m going to suggest is basically the same but with a slight change in methodology or thought. When she’s telling you she’s missing OM and tempted to contact him she’s being honest. That’s great and it has its positives. Then you come along and tell her that if she does contact OM the marriage is off…

IMHO what you DON’T want is that your wife feels pressured into remaining married. IMHO it’s imperative to recovery that your wife removes all or any notion of the affair being romantic, mystical or ANYTHING positive. In her wayward-thinking-brain then you saying marriage being over if she contacts OM is a threat.

She is not allowed to think “I sacrificed my true love because I couldn’t break up my children’s lives and the Black Knight (namely you) prevented me and my dream prince from riding unicorns into the sunset”.

She has to think “Oh f@ck! Barry is moving on and if I don’t hurry up and catch him then I will be left behind with OM (and I just realized his farts don’t smell of roses)!”

So… Don’t threaten her that IF she does something YOU will take action against her. Don’t threaten at all… Rather state facts, state likely outcomes:

She: “Honey. I pine away for OM and I am so tempted to call him but I won’t because that would end my marriage”

You: “Thank you for your honesty. I feel sad that you should still pine for something that would eventually have killed whatever we had. Although I appreciate your honesty then hearing these things make me wonder if I am correct in thinking I can commit to reconciliation. If you think your happiness and future are with him then go to him and get this over with. If not, then you must keep in mind that I am getting out of infidelity and if you don’t keep up with me then I am OK with doing this alone. It’s not what I want, but it definitely beats constantly being second to the other man”

Barry – We always tell BS to listen to words, but take note of actions. Right now, your wife’s words say she’s pining for OM, but her ACTIONS indicate she’s still into reconciliation. That’s positive. That indicates you can negotiate from a position of power. Don’t be afraid of putting some fear in her. Your GIFT of offering reconciliation is equally based on YOUR commitment as hers. If you don’t think progress is being made you can consider reclaiming that gift.

About the exposure:

What’s your reason and goal for exposing to the children?

What is the outcome you want from that?

To me exposure must always serve a purpose. I worry that your insistence that SHE tell the kids is more based on revenge or to cause pain than any good, positive reason. I strongly advocate exposure, but explain to me WHY the kids and WHY she?

If the kids need to know then IMHO you should tell them.

What are you doing for yourself? Have you seen your doctor? Have you seen a lawyer to see what your options concerning custody, alimony etc. are?

Have you been working out? I find weight lifting gives a sort of relaxing high and self confidence boost.

The time after DDay is one of the most awful and Just plain weird times one can go through. I know the few weeks after was like going through life in a cloud of bewilderment. Even though you think you're keeping it together others notice. I thought I was handling things well but was shocked to get called on the carpet by my boss. I should have told him to kiss my ass too but was too much of a nice person then. No

more mister nice guy, they finish last.

Exposure is for breaking up an affair. It makes the cheater shoulder the mess they made. In this case the affair is "over". However, those close to you need to know in order to know what has happened to you and how to help you. Get on with it.

I'm actually going to a doctor today to see if I can get some sleep aid. I find it very difficult to sleep and when I do I always wake up in the middle of the night.WW seems to sleep just fine. When I was posting in the middle of the night last night she asked me what I was doing and got upset when I wouldn't tell her/ show her my phone. It's not good for her to know about this right? Why is she getting mad at me for not showing her my phone, she's the one who had the affair.

Lol all cheaters have a double standard. I'm sure you have noticed. This is your safe place, tell her you need space to reflect on life........before and after.