SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your correct, do not let her know about SI at this time.. This is your safe place..

Glad your seeing a Doc today..

CDB

Barry, one of the reason for exposing, is so your wife has to face the depth of her betrayal.

Seeing the hurt in there eyes will hit her in the gut and will cause her feeling of "badly wanting to contact him" to dissipate.

So true. I can tell you that one thing that really turned the corner for my wife where she went from her own pity party and woe is me attitude to really getting it and becoming remorseful was one night, I was apparently sitting in the den or living room crying. I didn't know my wife was watching me. But she was. And she told her sister that the look on my face was the same one I had after my dad passed away at a very young age. And it hit her that she had caused me as much pain as my dad dying. And that realization woke her up.

As Bigger said, exposure serves a purpose. It is not her responsibility to tell. It is yours. Plural. Do it together. But you (single) determine when. Don't wait for her. And either she joins you or you do it on your own. Not as revenge. Not as punishment. But because it serves a purpose.

[This message edited by Walloped at 9:36 AM, February 17th (Friday)]

I'm actually going to a doctor today to see if I can get some sleep aid. I find it very difficult to sleep and when I do I always wake up in the middle of the night.WW seems to sleep just fine. When I was posting in the middle of the night last night she asked me what I was doing and got upset when I wouldn't tell her/ show her my phone. It's not good for her to know about this right? Why is she getting mad at me for not showing her my phone, she's the one who had the affair.

Agreed with the others. You definitely want to keep SI as a safe space for yourself right now.

As to why she got mad about the phone, cheaters are often worried that you're either tattling on them or engaged in a revenge affair. They're a pretty controlling group actually... for people who don't think their mate has any right to make informed choices.

Glad to hear you're seeing the doctor. It really does help. Are you having nightmares? I found that my brain typically wakes me up before I start doing any sort of unconscious processing of the adultery. It's gotten a bit better after I started IC, but still... it's kind of like my brain saying, "hey, you need to be awake for this".

Might have missed it but since you are seeing a doctor have you two talked about STD tests?

You need one. She needs one.

OM might be the coolest guy in the world but right now more-or-less the ONLY thing we know definitely about him is that he’s not morally above sleeping with married women. He could be packing all sorts of yuckies down there…

Barry, saving the marriage, but at what damage to yourself? Your wife of many years is in love with another man, not you, I'm not even sure why she wants you (has she said why she wants the marriage?).

What is this doing to your self respect? Your pride? Your psyche? You mentioned checking on her phone because she has a strong desire to contact him. I did that for about 2 weeks, I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore. Keeping track so my wife of many years won't go fuck the other guy who she really is in love with. There are more important things in life than the marriage. At what cost?

What is the message here, that you have to put up with this? That she has more value than you?

She stopped contacting him as far as you know. I think she has by now, but that's just based on the thousands of other threads I've read here, her continued behavior. If you go deep enough into the wayward forum here, you can read any number of threads on cheaters pining away for months. Frequently it later is discovered they had been in contact with the affair partner. But is just stopping contact enough? It was a start, but I think more is eventually needed.

Anyway, there is a damage to yourself staying in a situation like that. How you feel about yourself, how someday looking back and thinking his you acted.

Think about what is important to you. Stay true to your values.

Barry, google up “love is like cocaine” by helen fisher. I think it does a really great job describing the neurochemicals involved with attraction and the stages of attraction that occurs. It also explains why your WW is addicted to the AP and why she thinks it is “love”. It’s more like limerence, lust, infatuation but she can’t tell that from real love, the kind that started off legitimately, innocently, and is built over 16 years and produced 3 kids. So, when she says she “loves” the AP and is thinking of him it is the addiction to the neurochemicals she is talking about and its source (the affair), not the AP at all. The AP is but a “stand in” fantasy character. It is why we often say if it wasn’t that particular AP it would have been anyone else willing to play the part as the AP. Put it all in the context of that article and you can see what is really influencing her thinking and emotions and why NC is so important at this stage.

Barry, if you want her to be transparent then so should you. Tell her the reason you didn't want to show her your phone is because you are getting help from an online support group that deals with infidelity. I'm sure she would careless that you are on an infidelity support forum.

Anyway, I hear ya about the worst year of your life. That was me last year. Also I wouldn't push the exposure, I would recommend doing the 180 and heal up some, let your head stop spinning. Don't force her to do anything, watch her actions for awhile, search your heart.

Barry, your wife being hyper vigilant about your phone and computer use because she fears that you're telling others about the affair.

If you must use a sleep aide for a few days, then do so, before you collapse. But watch that it doesn't become habit forming.

Working out with weights will exhaust the body helping you to sleep, as well as lift your T levels. The ladder benefit will give you the energy to keep moving forward and lift your confidence that has taken a beating.

I just am trying to figure out if she wants to stay in the marriage for what the right reasons. Although she's done what I asked, how she is behaving so normally in front if everyone makes me think she doesn't regret this affair. I know I need to start making some moves but I don't even know where to start. I just can't stay in this marriage if she's pining for this guy. My pride is just gone and I can't let it slip. I will give her until next week to expose and she said she will so well see...

Please stop procrastinating. Have a family meeting already and expose everything in PG-13 .

You haven't read Wallop's first thread yet? The similarities will blow you away and you can follow what he did. Please take time to read it. It will be worth your time.

Barry,

You say that your pride Is gone, correct? Pride must come from within you. Why don't you generate some by exposing the affair this Sunday, and telling the family in an age appropriate manner? Maybe something along the following:

"As I am sure you can tell, your mother and I have been having some issues lately. First, none of this has to do with you, and whatever may happen between your mother and myself, please know we both love you. With that said, I want to let you know that your mother has brought a boyfriend into our marriage. For me, I believe that a marriage is between two spouses. Not any more people than this. At this point, it is my understanding that your mother has broken off contact with her boyfriend, and has stated to me that she wants to be in this marriage. I am giving her a few weeks (2?) to show me through her actions that she is moving forward in our marriage. For better or worse, this marriage may not work out. Nevertheless, please remember we both love you, and that this has nothing to do with you. If you can, I'd appreciate if you can remain calm with your mother at this time."

It also appears that you are so fearful she might up and leave if you say or do anything, and this is leading to inaction on your part. Right now, this fear appears to have you stuck in analysis-paralysis mode. As Bigger posted, you need to keep moving down the track out of infidelity. You will only have a chance at saving your marriage if you let go of this fear, and step off the cliff. Maybe she will up and walk, but isn't it better that this happen now, and you begin healing, instead of having to experience more months of this mental torture?

I think you need to start by taking some of the advice you've been given. Granted your wife has to do some heavy lifting but you keep trying to put things off (a week later for this, more time for that, etc) while expecting others to do things that you should really be doing yourself (exposure for one).

Stop trying to read your wife's mind and psychoanalyze her. Her actions should be telling you more than enough. If you feel she's not acting remorseful that's probably because she isn't. If she hasn't exposed yet after you told her to do so she's most likely not going to.

You need to stop acting like a passenger in the backseat of a car about to head over the cliff and hop in the driver's seat and grab the wheel. Expose yourself. Don't tell your wife you're doing it. Don't wait for her to do it. Don't give her extra time to do it. Just do it yourself.

Your pride may be gone, but you've done absolutely nothing to get it back and continue to do so. I'm not trying to be harsh but you need a bit of a 2x4. What you are doing, which isn't much, is not working.

Barry, waiting a week is fine. I've done it many times in my life (not with infidelity), looked at a crappy situation and said to myself, "I'll give it another week, and if it hasn't gotten any better, then I'll do something about it."

I'm sure you've done this, too. But, really, what ends up happening? Nothing, right? You put up with a week of crap, and then you go and do something about it. And after the fact you say to yourself, "You know, I should have just done it right away, I shouldn't have waited an extra week and put up with it."

From her point of view - why would she wait? The affair happened, it is in the past, it ain't gonna change now - so the exposure next week would be the same as this week.

But waiting a week shouldn't damage your pride much different than you already have, and you can look around at many threads here, people do it when they are ready to do it.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:31 PM, February 17th (Friday)]

My concern with postponing exposure any further is that the longer you wait the more you'll talk yourself out of it. No exposure is the path to rug sweeping. Notice how you can't sleep but she's sleeping like a baby? Because she's had very little in the form of consequences.

Facing the teens questions and seeing the hurt will make this more real. Telling you right now she's in woe is me mode. She needs help in snapping her out of it.

When you expose, you must include that she's been sneaking around having sex, and that she wanted you to leave the house, and that she wanted to run off with OM. Some may disagree but it has to be real. Teens today know quite a bit already.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 10:40 PM, February 17th (Friday)]

We haven't been intimate since the bomb drop, We are both going to get tested for stds. Hopefully I am okay, she claims to not know the exact date that they first got physical but has said it was around thanksgiving... so obviously I need one. I really hope I don't have anything, that's something I won't be able to forgive. She only started the job in late July/ early august. She is claiming she will let our older kids know but she needs a right way to tell them.

Something I haven't mentioned is that my wife has a case of restless leg syndrome and I would often rub them for her since it helped her. I have stopped doing this for the time being and she has asked, I shouldn't do it right?

[This message edited by barry22 at 11:01 PM, February 17th (Friday)]

I would not.

Don't do anything for her that you do not want to do.

Are you ready to go back to normal?

I think that you can wait a bit on the leg massage.

While it may just be therapeutic it get more intimate than you want to right now.

I dunno, many massages with my SOs have happy endings. LoL

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:17 AM, February 18th (Saturday)]

Barry...

This is probably a 2x4…

Just must ask… Do you read my posts?

It’s OK if you don’t. That’s perfectly your prerogative. But if you don’t then I guess I will simply focus elsewhere.

The reason I ask are some of your thoughts in your last posts…

Like the loss of dignity when listening to her express how she misses OM. I believe I gave you the perfect response to that:

You: “Thank you for your honesty. I feel sad that you should still pine for something that would eventually have killed whatever we had. Although I appreciate your honesty then hearing these things make me wonder if I am correct in thinking I can commit to reconciliation. If you think your happiness and future are with him then go to him and get this over with. If not, then you must keep in mind that I am getting out of infidelity and if you don’t keep up with me then I am OK with doing this alone. It’s not what I want, but it definitely beats constantly being second to the other man”

I asked you why you want to tell the kids…

I asked you why you want HER to be the one to tell them…

No response to either question.

Barry – so to date you are;

-waiting for her to stop focusing her emotions to OM

-waiting for the two of you to get STD tests

-waiting for her to expose to a select few she selects in a way she chooses…

Barry – You aren’t getting out of infidelity… You are NOT moving. Right now, you are at best sitting in the driveway with your car loaded and waiting for the passengers….

Finally Barry – Even if it’s only to tell me to f@ck off then send me some confirmation that you READ what’s posted here because so far… it’s a lot more like you post despair more than progress…

What happens when you don't rub her legs? If I were in the situation I think I'd feel kind of uncomfortable or maybe downright pained doing stuff for her when I feel like she is hurting me still after having stabbed me in the back for a few months. You've already been providing for her, and I get the whole mutual decision for that, but still that's the situation you're in right now, she's at home pining while you're at work working, she's telling you she loves some piece of shit over you, and now she wants you to rub her legs. I don't see anything wrong with helping her except it somehow seems yet another junk on the pile of "she is more valuable than you" - you have to wait for her to decide, and yeah, meanwhile, could you rub her legs to make her feel better?

Has she asked you could she do anything for you, to help you?

Has she told you "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you?"

She is claiming she will let our older kids know but she needs a right way to tell them.

What involves getting the "right way" to tell them? Does it take a week?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, you're always a day away.

Yes bigger I have read your posts. We are getting tested on Monday for STDS. This is what she said about the exposure. Here is a text I just got from her "I've read that when a spouse has an affair they usually keep it away from the kids, I know you're hurting and so am I for hurting you. I'm so sorry for that. But I don't see anything good coming out to exposing our children to this. My main priority right is working on our marriage. I know I deserve to hurt for what I've done, even though I know that's not your intention. I really want to make this easier for you, how about we get the opinion of multiple counselors and go from there?"