@HowIsThisReal, It's exactly how I feel. Half of our relationship is just lies. Do you have happy moments? Was it worth it to stay? Can all the lies ever be forgiven?
At just over a year out, yes we have many happy moments, but I will tell you, my FWH was a great candidate for R and it still has NOT been easy emotionally.
At around 6 months in, my anger and rage came rolling in, and it was NOT pretty.
The names I called him, the vivid descriptions I used to embarrass him, the things I'd say to emasculate him and make him feel as hurt as I was.
I can't say that I'd be able to sit and take it, if the tables were turned, but he just took it all in stride.
That behavior/anger/hurt in me, only started to subside a little over a month ago, so it's been one hell of a ride so far. Even in between those horrible times though, when I was having a good day, we had happy moments.
I can't yet say if it was worth it in the long run, I'm not that far into R.
At THIS time, and only because of how truly remorseful he's been, I do think it was worth it to stay.
So far it's been worth not disrupting my kids' lives, not losing 50% of my time with them, arguing over who gets them on which holidays, being unable to control who he brings around them and what they're exposed to. It's been worth not starting my romantic life over as a single mom with 3 kids and a shit ton of baggage, worth not having to get a FT job to make ends meet, or having to deal with the fallout of this shitstorm without him there to hold me up when I break down.
My FWH now treats me like a queen.
He's been humble & visibly ashamed (I'd never seen him cry prior to d-day), when I slashed him with verbal attacks.
He changes the channel if anything involving sex comes on TV.
He changes the radio station if he thinks the song will trigger me.
He answers all questions, even the stuff about him being with men, and it makes him extremely uncomfortable and you can almost see him emanating shame and embarrassment when we talk about it.
He's talked to his IC about his sexual identity and he's had some deep introspection regarding his actions, he still feels certain that he is not gay or bi.
He is so disgusted with himself and hates to face this issue in the "light of day", but he does talk about it, when I ask.
And he is on top of things like cleaning the house, he gets the kids up for school daily to make it easier on me, he puts gas in my car, he literally moved states away from his family to be with me, near my family... because I couldn't stay in that area, where I could look at people in the grocery store and wonder if he'd fucked them.
Every day he's trying to do things to make my life easier because he hurt me SO much and completely altered the relationship that we had. Not to mention, he feels so guilty that I was diagnosed with PTSD because of him.
This whole year, I have been very raw with my emotions, I've never held anything back for HIS comfort, I am upfront what's bothering me. If I trigger, I tell him. If I'm having mind movies of him f*cking a man or woman, I tell him.
If I suddenly wonder whether he did this or that, out of the blue, I ask him right then and there as long as we aren't around anyone.
I've literally told my FWH that now in our M, NOTHING that I do (barring me cheating, myself) would ever be as bad as what he's done. That any complaint he has, I will be able to counter it with his disgusting infidelity, and if he can't accept a M like that, then he should walk away now before we both waste our time. He didn't walk away.
As far as the lies being forgiven, I'll likely never *forgive* him, I'll just (hopefully) eventually accept that it happened and be able to be ok with that.
[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:05 AM, November 29th (Tuesday)]