Can I demand he do things for me? Like can I demand that he tells me at all times where he is and proves it or is that abusing my power? Can I demand that he deletes his dating site profiles or is he supposed to do that on his own?
Hell yes you can demand those things. His actions that follow will help you gauge his dedication. He blatantly abused his own power within your M, your reaction to his actions is not an abuse of power, it's self preservation.
My FWH was desperate to do anything to prove to me that he wanted to change and that he wanted to save our M.
He immediately deleted all CL ads on his own, he gave me the password to his secret email (he had deleted all emails though) and he voluntarily installed a family GPS app on his phone and an app called "accountable2you" which tells me literally EVERYTHING he does on his phone. He's never complained about having them on there and he's never attempted to uninstall them.
He looked for and found IC 2 days after we came home from out of state.
I took my kids and left for a week after d-day, my H was shattered.
I texted him when I was 2 hours away telling him to figure out a way to get the car, because my dad was meeting me to drive us the remainder of the trip.
He knew if I ever found out, that the outcome would be "bad", but he didn't realize just HOW bad. He thought we'd fight and move on like the adults in his family always had. He went into absolute panic mode when we left while he was at work the day after d-day.
Of course, almost no WS is going to be perfect or a "model WS" right away. My H fucked up in 2 areas, post d-day...
He went and had one more CL hookup while I was out of town, after a week of me being gone.
He had been bawling all week, unable to eat, etc. He became suicidal the day before I was coming home, I guess the reality hit him that we were coming back and life was about to change.
So when he had another opportunity, he likely wanted to escape the pain of our impeding D. I had told him our M was over, so I guess he figured he could go escape his soon to be reality, without guilt.
The other, was the TT, he was trying to save himself, and hurt me less, so he lied about the length of time it went on. Went from me thinking it was 4 years, to figuring out it was 7, and that nearly crushed me, as that was half our M. That TT set me back a lot.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The extended length of time really hurts me too. I feel like HALF of our M is based on lies.