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Newest Member: Altoid405

I Can Relate :
Spouses with Same Gender APs

Topic is Sleeping.

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:42 PM on Monday, February 3rd, 2020

My experience is that there's very little separating us from BSes (Betrayed Spouses) in straight A(ffair)s (Abbreviation: 'As'). I went through essentially the same feelings; I hit obstacles that other BSes hit; my W(ife) is in the minority in her post-d-day actions, but the minority includes WSes (Wayward Spouses) in straight As, etc.

Besides, there are only a few of us dealing with same-sex As, so there isn't a lot of activity on this thread. If you want info, you pretty much have to browse in the General, Reconciliation, and maybe Just Found Out forums anyway (though it took me years to be able to handle the raw pain in JFO.)

I initially feared that posting in R and G would get me a lot of disdainful or downright contemptuous responses. Never happened, although I've gotten a few (literally 2 or 3) responses about not knowing the pain of a hetero-A. Some people hate my posts, but that's because of what I say, not because of the gender of my W's ap (affair partner).

So I strongly recommend you dip your toes into G or R or even JFO (although JFO will probably get you a lot of 'how can you accept the disrespect' responses.


A recommendation: first, focus on what you want. If an A is a deal killer for you, going straight to D saves a lot of energy and prevents a lot of anguish.

If you want R, I strongly recommend not committing to R until you've observed your W for several months to make sure she's a good candidate for R. If you're unsure, I suggest 'working on the M' for a few months to find out the same. If she's a good candidate, R is possible, if you want it. If she's not, R is impossible.


-pls comment as much as you can about female affairs, especially emotional aspect.

I think an A is an A in terms of the BS's recovery. No matter what, discovery of the A dumps immense amounts of anger, grief, fear, and shame on the BS, and the BS needs to process those emotions out of his/her/their body. As vary from one another in many ways, but the impact on the BS (betrayed spouse) seems to be pretty standard - excruciating to the BS.

-What drives a heterosexual woman to be attracted sexually and emotionally to another female?

Beats me. I suspect very few of us are 100% straight.

- WS claims the OW was feeding her emotionally, WS wanted to give back to the OW what she needed, part of which was sex. Pls comment, why was sex necessary?

I understand why sex for my W. You have to find this out from your W.

- my wife swears she is not a lesbian despite having slept 4X w this other POS. I don’t understand???

Well, if she likes sex with you, she's probably bi- and not gay. If she is disgusted by straight sex, she may be a lesbian.

-Same sex affair appears to have special issues, especially woman on woman. I.E. reasons seem to be completely different than men. Additionally, woman on woman affairs seem to be rare.

Probably not so rare in the gay community. A number of gay women are SI members. They're not easy to find though, because IMO infidelity is infidelity, and a BS is a BS irrespective of the genders of the WSes and aps.

The only special issue that I've discerned is the WW's sexuality. If she's bi-, R is possible if certain conditions are met. I don't see how a straight man and a gay woman can have a normal M, though an unconventional M is theoretically possible. IMO, and in my experience, a WS can R if she does the necessary work and if both partners want to R.


Post as much as you want. Ask questions. Check out what you're seeing and experiencing. Vent. There's no limit on posting, as long as you stay within guidelines.

Also, keep SI to yourself for now. If your W doesn't know about it, it can be a safe place for you. If she does know about SI and isn't committed to R, she could use your words against you.

Remember: your W cheated because of her own internal issues, not because of issues with you or your M. You are not to blam for this.

More important, you can recover from this, whether you D or R. I know you may be inundated with pain, but you can work through it and lead a good life, even though you've been betrayed.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26533   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8505098
Topic is Sleeping.
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